Van Hel of Thee I Don’t Sing
24. Apr, 2004 
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Two nights, two sneak previews for the TWS staff. Thursday night: Napoleon Dynamite. F-in mint. See that shiz come June peoples. Friday night: Van Helsing, more like Van Helsucks. Even more run-of-the-mill than HellBoo. How do you say “crap on a stick” in Transylvanian? Once again, this movie was like watching all of the below images rolled into one movie… but awful (with help from Ross K Doji):
Konami’s finest
+
Saying “I don’t know” on
You Can’t Do That On Television
+
Faramir as a bumbling friar
+
The stained glass windows that came
to life in Young Sherlock Holmes
+
The whore-rific special effects
of Clash of the Titans
+
Ghost in sky sequence
+
The acting: Hamming it Up
+
Moulin Rouge‘s evil mustached man
+
A slimy-ass Alien pod
+
Peter Boyle as Frankenberry
+
The masked orgy
+
The obligatory scene where the hero gets
gadgets from the Q-like character
+
The worst movie ever:
League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
Do not see this movie.
It’s a waste of eyesight and sitting.
Although her accent was afwulreffic,
I’ll still let her be my wife
I wanna set sail with Kate Beckinsale
