AVPuke Yer Guts Out

AVP: Alien vs Predator

Save Yer $10, I’ll Slit Yer Eyes Out For Free!!

Alien vs Predator. More like Boring-Lame-O Humans Spelunking, While Occasionally Some Aliens Fight Some Predators And Stuff. When us people go to see a movie with initials in it (A.I., V.I. Warshawski, D.A.R.Y.L.) we expect to be entertained, and not have our intelligences raped, gawddangsit!!! Who wants to watch people search for artifacts for 45 minutes, when these characters should have been killed in the first 10 minutes and allow the real “stars” of the movie to rip the lungs off of each other for the next 80 minutes? Sure, a lot of humans do eventually get Sgt slaughtered, but things get so recockulus that a surviving woman befriends a Predator and they team up to take down some Aliens. I was just waiting for the Odd Couple theme song to chime in. YIIIIIIIKES this was truly whoreriffic. I wasn’t eggspecting Kramer vs Kramer here folks, but at least something resembling a movie!! Writer/Director Paul W.S. Anderson needs to stop playing Halo and take at least one screenwriting class. Or maybe he should have just opened a pad of Mad Libs and where it says name, enter “Alien” or “Predator”, and for the verbs, drop a “slash” or “mutilate” and then we’dabeen cooking!! This now makes two P.W. Andersons on my movie jihad list. One’s way over-pretentious (raining frogs?) and the other is a shlockmiester who wouldn’t know a good script from bad, even if Charlie Kaufman diarrheaed Being John Malkovich on his forehead. But with all wet dumps, there has to be light at the end of the wipe. And the only positive thing I could think of is that Lance Henriksen received a paycheck. You can’t say the same thing of Ilan Mitchell-Smith, who played dear ole Wyatt in Weird Science. Do you think he keeps in touch with his screen brother, Chet/Bill Paxton?

Anywho, here’s some versus movies me’d like to see be made:

Paul Mitchell vs Vidal Sassoon

Nekkid Lindsay Lohan vs Kirsten Dunst In Pudding

Verse vs Chorus

Pearl Jam’s Ten vs Pearl Jam’s Vs.

Aliens vs Eileen Wuornos

The People vs White Flint Mall

Fred Savage vs Judge Reinhold in Vice Versus

Barry Lyndon

Like Going To The Met For Three Hours, Without The Lines

I made a promise to myself and bygosh, I fulfilled it. Ya see, Stanley Kubrick is the greatest filmmaker of all time (OK, maybe second next to Joel Suckmaker) in my humble opinion. I’ve seen all of his brillyant works over and over and sometimes over that over, but I had never seen his period drama Barry Lyndon, which netted 4 Oscars at the ’76 Academy Awards. My sacred oath was to see it in a theater and thanks to one of the finest museums in New York Sit-Tay, America Museum of the Moving Image, the dream become a reality. I’m not much of a 18th Century English costume drama kind of Thigh Master, but if one person could pull it off and make me go ga-ga for it, it would be the Kubrickster. The man could tackle any genre he attempted: sci-fi, comedy, horror, war, thriller, and even the caper. And after inhaling the 3 hours of beauty that was displayed onscreen, period drama could also be added to that list. I was never bored, as something was always happening and oddly engaging, but I could easily see how some would fall under a coma of malaise. Kubrick was so meticulous in nailing down all of the little details of the era that you don’t feel like yer watching a movie about the late 1700s, but actually living in that time and going to the cinema to watch a movie about modern times. Yes, film hadn’t even been invented back then, but you get the idea. Ryan O’Neal may not have been the ideal choice as the title character, but its the settings, lighting, make-up, costumes, and music (the mise en scène, if you will) that do all the work here. Kubes choose to shoot entirely on location (real castles and the like) and utilize natural lighting. When you see a room illuminated by candlelight, that’s all the lighting used in that scene. For you green film students out there, in order to capture such delicate lighting you need a very special lens and SK was blessed to use a camera lens developed for NASA. This is probably the greatist period drama ever filmed and a muss c classic fo shore… unless yer too saturated with movies that contain sub-machine guns, cells phones, or Ben Affleck.

Dans ma peau aka In My Skin

aka The Worstestest ‘Skin’ Flick Me Have Ever Seen

A woman accidentally scrapes her legs and as time wears on, she becomes overly obsessed with scraping herself even more. If you enjoy watching a woman cut the sheet out of her arm with a steak knife under a table and doing other unwatchable stuff with her skin, then please turn in yer Thighs Wide membership card and move to Russia you sadistic f#%!