Five Alive

Ray

OutFoxxing The Competition

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Write this down folks, cause at Le Academia Awards next year, Jamie Foxx will walk up to the podium and accept the Best Male Actor Oscar for his performance as Ray Charles in the masterful biopic Ray. He isn’t an actor in this film, he’s a Transformer like Optimus Prime. Cept he doesn’t transform into a diesel truck, but love actually into Ray Charles. This performance has to be seen to be-leafed. And what a perfect tribute to the man himself who just passed away this past June at the age of 73. And I can’t bee leave for one second that any other movie that gets released between now and Oscar time will contain a single performance this unrelievable, and I don’t think Foxx will ever hand in a performance this recockulas for the rest of his long career, and the only other memorable performance that remotely sticks out in my mind from 2004 is Jon Heder’s performance as Napoleon Dynamite, and this run-on sentence will end now… or will it?

I also gotta give oodles of props de leon to the casting department for enlisting the acting pork chops of BOTH Curtis ‘Booger’ Armstrong & Warwick ‘Wicket/Willow’ Davis in effective dramatic bit roles. Oh, Booger, what in the Right Said Fred happened to you? For you were the most under used and wasted talent that Hollywood ever produced. The writing was all over the wall of yer geniusness when you traded barbs as Herbert Viola with Agnes DiPesto on TV’s Moonlighting. Cue Al Jarreau music. One last question Booger, why are you a member of the gang of Elusive Bicyclists?

Star 80

Bob Fosse Lives For Wet T-Shirt Contests

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Yep, you read that right, Broadway golden boy Bob Fosse directed a movie that contained a wet t-shirt contest. But the biopic Star 80 isn’t about many a soaked boobies, but only the boobies and bushland of 1980’s PMOY, Dorothy Stratten, who was killed at the hand of her loser husband/pseudo-pimp, cooked to well done perfection by Eric Roberts.

And can you imagine anyone better to play an absolute sleazeball than Julia’s brother? It also doesn’t hurt that he sports a porno mustache. Other reasons to czech this out: you get to see many a minutes of Mariel Hemingway’s boobies, Cliff Robertson’s take on Hef, and a young Keenen Ivory Wayans playing a comic doing a “White man does this, black man does this…” kinda schtick.

Before Sunrise

A Vienna Sausage Fest

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I was avoiding this flick like the plague for years. Probably cause Ethan Hawke’s mid-nineties faux-tee really bothered me back then. But I owe it to Ethan to watch it. I mean, I worked on his directorial debut (good luck trying to find the name Thigh Master on that crew list). And me armor Julie Delpy (pro-noun-ced, Jew-lee Dell pea). I often wonder why our good friends over at NonUsHotties.8k.com have never added her to their prestigious list. So after finally giving in, I’m smacking myself for waiting too long to see this sucker. What a gem this Linklater joint is. It was so cute and precious, that I slept with the DVD in my arms that night. I am an eager beaver cleaver to be seeing the Sunset sequel, as the ending of Sunrise was so open ended. And plus Delpy’s voice makes me want to pour lemon and sugar all over her and eat her like a crepe.

Lifeforce

Where Else You Gonna See Patrick Stewart’s First Screen Kiss?

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It’s basically Alien meets 2001 meets Poltergeist meets Dawn of the Dead meets The Omega Man meets crap on a stick. Did I mention than an alien chick that looks human is nekkid throughout a majority of the flick and all she wants to do is seduce men? Intrigued? Thought so.

Klute

What Kind Of a Name Is Poon?

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Can somebody please explain how Jane Fonda won the Best Actress Oscar in ’71 for playing a prostitute? I guess all the voters were bowled over by the way her boobs looked in a turtleneck sweater. So you lady actressess out there, if you want to win the gold statuette, you need to start flaunting yer boobs. Like Julia Suckberts in Erin Boobbonovitch or like Helen Hayes in 1931’s The Sin of Madelon Claudet (huh?).

If you can tabulate the amount of times I use the word ‘performance’ or ‘boobies’, and are the 1st to email me, I’ll send you something!