The Jude Laws of Attraction

Wimbledon

Game, Set, Snatch

If this movie were called US Open and revolved around a washed-up American tennis player taking his last shot at winning it all, it would probably be the wurstest movie since the last 7 Julia Roberts pictures. But it isn’t folks. It’s about a British bloke and its from the (nia) peoples who brought you such fluffy crap as Four Weddings and a Bunghole, Notting Off, and Bridget Jones’s Diarrhea. Those f-in Brits have some sort of voodoo on us, the American audience, cause you can’t help but being charmed to death by them. Was Love Hactually actually a good movie? No, but they stuffed every frame with a zillion irresistible Brits that by the time the credits were rollin, we were all ready to denounce our citizenship and hop on the first flight to Heathrow. Anywho, Wimbledon aint no a Schindler’s List, but it’ll charm you more den a Charms Blow Pop. The plot is more predictable than 72-hour-non-showered vagina smelling like tunafish. And the biggest conflict in the entire movie is whether Sam Neill is going to crack a smile or not. And boy o boy does my man Paul Bettany has the breastest life ever. On screen he gets to dilly dally with ultra-hottness Kirsten Dunst (and if you think she’s nasty, please, cut off yer penis and keep it away from this dot.whorg) and off screen he gets to make babies with uber-hotness Jennifer Connolly. They only way his life could reach more of an apex is if Monica Bellucci was his concubine. But I ask yous, has there ever been a good tennis movie? Or even a movie about tennis period! Exclamation point. The only one that comes to my mind is Hitchcock’s Strangers On A Train, and tennis isn’t even the focal point of the story. Criss Cross!! So I guess by default this makes Wimbledon the most frantastically mostest eggsalad movie about tennis, EVER! And tits a purrrfect flick for those of you with a g-friend or a b-friend. Did I mention that Kirsten Dunst was born to wear a tennis skirt?

Sky Captain & The World of Tomorrow

Looks Aren’t Everytang

I can honestly say that I have never seen a anything like Sky Captain. It is one drop dead gorgeous (so is this t-shirt) piece of filmmaking. Too bad that’s the only thing positive I can say cept that I’d bend over backwards for Jude Law. This should have been a fun romp like The Mummy, but it was more like a smelly rump roast. It also doesn’t help that everythyme I see Gwenyie Palho now, I just wanna puke my tits off since she’s the mother of Chris Boring’s child. Or that Angelina Jolie’s lips scare me more than dem lips in that ’80s Twizzlers commercial.

Man On Fire

Let This Mothersticker Burn, YO!

Two facts of life: Denzel Washington can nevers have a bad acting day and Dakota Fanning is the mostest precocious, darlingist, loveliest, finestist, child actor that there ever was. I swear, every time I see here on celluloid, I just want to start bawling my f-in eyes out. It all started with her sirprizingly un-Oscar-nominated work in I Am Sam. I even shed a few tears when I saw her out act Brittany Murphy in Craptown Grrrls whilst on a plane to Jamaica, which has got to be in the running for most un-umcredible Brittany Murphy cruds Mt EVERerst (and that list is quite long)! I didn’t get too wet between my eyes (you thought I was going to say thighs, didn’t ya?), but I almost lost it when Denzel’s ruff around the edges bodyguard character starting falling under her spell. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! Anyways, soon after that tender moment occurred, lil South Dakota gets kidnapped and Denzy goes all ape-shit on her captors. This movie rizzzzocks. It’s like The Bodyguard meats Kill Bill (vol 2, mind you!) meats the gritty look of Amores Perros. And Marc Anthony is in it and just cause he looks like Skeletor, doesn’t mean the dude can’t act! Hooray to Tony Scott who finally has made a decent movie! Top Goon? Beverly Hills Flop II? Enemy of My Intelligence? I guess it wasn’t to hard to top any of those.

Freaks

The Kinda Movie That’s Cool To Put On At A Party With No Volume On

Where else are you going to find a movie that contains a man with no arms or legs rolling up a cigarette and smoking it or a German midget talking about swiss cheese or a clown named Phroso or a family that looks like Stern’s lackey Beetle Juice or a woman being turned into a chicken?!#$R%$h!!!

Prizzi’s Honor

A Dishonor and Not A Pleasure To Watch

How on earth was this flick nominated for 8 Oscars? And how on Neptune did Anjelica Huston’s supporting performance take home a statuette? She was in the movie for all of 9 seconds! It was like watching a boring episode of The Sopranos (take yer pick from the last 2 seasons). Don’t even bother with this one unless yer dying to hear Jack Nick roll with a spicy Italian accent or see a performance by that guy.

The Girl Next Door

Time To Move Out Of The Neighborhood

Shame on you Luke Greenfield. May you be struck by lightning and covered with Durkees and hamster pellet poo. Somehow you directed a movie where sexbot Elisha Cuthbert plays a porn star and she doesn’t get nekkid for one spanking second!! Not only that, but you made her fall in love with one of the most horriblistic actors this side of Michael Pitt: Emile Hirsch. Nothing is this ‘movie’ is remotely realistic. Well, I’m sure Timothy Olyphant is an asshole AND has awful hair. Who’s Cuthbert’s agent? Tell him to contact me a(warren)sapp about that lesbian Charlie’s Angels I’m producing, co-starring Her Royal Thighness and I Beat Off To You K Knightley.