The Don’t Read In One Sitting Movie Reviews Part Turk 182

Sorry for the long deli-lay folks, but writing these things are a pain in my hairy arse. Then why do I bother? So you all stop seeing Fat Albert and start seeing some real friggidy movies for a change. Plus, I’m more fried than Kentucky chicken that in 3 months time I’ll have forgotten I even saw any of them in the 1st place. In haddition, how can I come up with a Top 10 List of 2004 Flicks without reviewing them first? Speaking of, all I have left to see from the strong crop of ’04ers is House of Flying Dizzles. Once viddyied, the list will be unveiled. Got it? Anywho, on to the revues… sorry if they stink like my grundle!

The Sea Inside

Sea Worthy For Land Lubbers

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The sign of a great movie in my book lies in its ability to make Senor Thigh Master cry my lil heteroflexible eyes out. And judging by the tears running down my cheek and the whimpering like a lil bizatch I emoted, I’d say that this is one great, gr8, cheese grater of a film. And since it’s so grrrrrrrrreat (Tony The Tiger speak) me can’t even fathom why it’s only playing in ONE WHOLE FRIGADERO THEATER IN NEW FIZZING YORK!!! Anywho, of course it’s gonna be a grand slam when the story revolves around the true story of a paraplegic Spaniard, Ramon Sampedro, who had fought for over twenty years for the right to end his life via youth in Africa euthanasia. It also doesn’t hurt when it’s directed by wunder-kind Alejandro Amenábar of The Others and Abre Los Ojos Javier Bardem stars as the aforementioned Sampedro and with the added on weight, bald head, and lack of movement, you can no longer picture the hot tamale that he is in real life. Although Samperdo couldn’t wait to end his dreary eggsitance, he inspired those around him to live. It was such a classic line when he so brilliantly explains why he smiles to a puzzled friend, ‘When you can’t escape and you depend on others so much, you learn to cry by smiling.’ And the audience can’t help but smile and cry. This is one of the most heartwarming pieces of 2004’s cinema roster, and in my book that just enough to probably name it the one to rule them all.

Recommended for those who like: Spanish geography/topography, Mike Utley, and imagining what hotness Javier Bardem would look like when he’s 67.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Whale Rider.

Hotel Rwanda

This Isn’t Your Father’s Ramada

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In a year of career performances by other actors, Don Cheadle doesn’t even bother giving us one in Hotel Rwanda. Why? Well, every time he shows up for work he’s gonna give us 100% of his umazing abilities, even when he co-stars in such tripe on a stick as Rush Hour 2 and anything by Steven Nerdebergh. The role of real life hotel manager Paul Rusesabagina was rumored to be Denzel’s or Will Smith’s to lose, but luckily for us, it went to Donnie C. Denzel’s too huge to fill the shoes and Will Smith in my book is a laffable actor… hispecially in a drama. Regardless of how off the meat rack Cheadle’s performance is, this flick is MUSS CEE cause of the umcredible story about Rusesabagina’s struggle to protect his family, and indirectly many of his fellow countrymen from the Hutu’s genocide of the Tutsis. Not only that, but it opens our virgin American’s eyes to the fact that while we all hate these atrocities, our government and the world at large are always apprehensive about helping out. Yeah, you actually learn by watching this movie. And you’ll also cry. Did someone say breastest movie of the year? We’ll SEA about that!

Recommended for those who like: human rights, clothed African women, and Nick Nolte drinking, but not getting this drunk.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix The Gods Must Be Crazy.

Million Dollar Baby

If A Picture Is Worth A Thousands Words, Than This Picture Is Worth A Million of Em

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The mos perplexing part of reviewing this film is not giving away too much of the plot. Don’t worry, I won’t. As you may have heard, this aint no straight forward boxing movie ala Rocky IV or The Great White Hype, but more about the human haspects of hactually being a boxer… READ: this shizz is more brains than brawn. I mean, lock Clint Eazy-Eastwood, Morgan Freebird, and Hillary Skank in a room with only a piece of gum and twenty minutes later they’ll MacGyver that sh#t into an Oscar contender. What an actor’s showcase this truly is. All three of them shine like Mischa B’s perfect skin. I hate boxing and even I was down for the count. Gawd, how awful are these puns and clichés that I use?

Recommended for those who like: Clint, Morgan, and Mrs Chad Lowe.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix The Next Karate Kid.

The Woodsman

Kevin Bacon Molests Kids? Again?

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Can you hear the sizzle? That’s Kevin BACON handing in one of his career’s breastest performances to date as a recently released from prison pedophile. And the pork strip man hardly even says a word in the whole shabang! The movie’s central theme is will he or won’t he revert back to his old ways of being yer Wicked Uncle Ernie. Bacon’s trying to change his ways and means, but he still has that inkling in his fingers and pants. And as with every ex-con returns to society story, all of his friends and family have abandoned him and he’s having trouble fitting in. Enter Bacon’s bride, Kyra Sedgwick, who sees something in him and proceeds to bang him. Soon she learns of his ex-sexploits and yet she still sticks around cause she knows that he’s worth the bang. But is the movie worth seeing? Well, lettuce juss say you’ll get a bang for you buck.

Recommended for those who like: Kyra Sedgwick noxious lips, Kyra Sedgwick’s knockout nips, or the brief resurrection of David Alan Grier’s career.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix the other child-molester-feel-good hit of the past 5 years L.I.E..

The Merchant of Venice

Jew Won’t Bee Leave How Good Pacino Is

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Editor’s note: I have never read this play and knew nothing about it cept there was some Jewish character named Shylock in it. Editor’s review: yo, if Shakespeare had been mo slammin and controversial like he is here, more high school students would have dug his plizzy-plays. And the finest superlative I can dub to this movie is that said high school students should count their lucky stars that this screen adaptation was made so they don’t have to bother reading the play and can juss rent it instead. Did I mention that normally uber-duber-annoying actors like Pacino, Jeremy Irons (where have u been my lovely), and Joe Fiennes all rock the gondola in this? Yes, Pacino actually acts like a human in the movie and not a jerk-a$$ who screams for no reason (see Heat). The same can’t be said of that annoying guy in Love Actually who bags American chicks including Her Royal Thighness The II. But we should all keep our eyes on the thighs of up and cumin’ actress, Lynn Collins, who played Portia. I’d love to drive that big boned car!

Recommended for those who like: women with mustaches, Gareth from The Office, and pansy-arsed Shakespeare stuff in general.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix the Mike Figgis’ incomprehensible Hotel.

Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events

Let Me Count Olaf The Ways That I Love Thee

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Although some people would tell you that it’s juss plain bagel wrong, I think it’s just fine pointing out that a young girl has got talent and a bright future. This young girl in question is not J-L Spears or Emma Watson, but soon to be rising starlet, Emily Browning, who plays Violet Baudelaire, one of three orphans who have nothing but Unfortunate Events forced upon them after their rents czech out on them. Grant it, she’s no Dakota Fanning, so we shant dwell on this subject any longer. Unlike Harry Pothead, I had no idea that Lemony Snicket was such a smashing success. I guess dem kids love anything that isn’t Ramona Quimby these days. orson Wells, I’m glad I took a chance and forced my mumsy to see this with me. The story is whatevs, but the book’s characters and settings are brought to life with such bravado and luminosity, that you even forget that there is a story. There is? I said FORGET ABOUT IT! Oh the art direction!! So recockulously beautifulcallyfragalicous! Major props de leon to production designer Rick Heinrichs, who also helped to create the worlds of Tim Burton’s films AND The Big Lebowski. Give the guy the Oscar!! What was better, I, Robot‘s world? And Jim Carrey, Billy Connolly, and Meryl Streep seem to be having so much fun on the screen that you’ll wish you could hang out with them, rather than their real personses. Carrey hispecially is right at home here. He was BORN to play Count Olaf or really anyone who’s a complete nutter butter. This is one flick that everyone from ages 6 to 66 can enjoy.

Recommended for those who like: lemony snizzles or snickety lizzles, snausages, and snozzberries, but who ever heard of a snozzberry??

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix the story that never ends, The Neverending Story.

The Assassination of Richard Nixon

Or A Shorter Title May Read The Ass of Dick

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This movie is carried plain and nimple by Sean Penn’s expert ability to play losers. And what a loser he is in this semi-true story about a loser who loses his job, wife, and pretty much any dignity that still eggsisted, who one day decided to fly a plane directly into the Nixon resided White House jus to be a somebody. Not only does Penn rock the loser stigma to a tee, but he rocks the best shadesville mustache this side of The King of Comedy‘s Rupert Pupkin. So much so that I hereby declare them Bitched @ Swirth! Anytime Penn is going to appear in a movie, he should be nominated for an Oscar. And what’s so pathetic is that he won his golden statue for a dialed-in performance for last year’s highly overrated (what should have been a) TV movie of the week, Mystic Pizza River. The dude always goes the extra yard whenever he needs to pour on the emotion, but it’s more effective here than when he thinks Andy Dufresne knocked off his daughter.

Recommended for those who like: dogs being shot, BWI Airport, and Hasidic tire dealers.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix the whorelairious Dick.

Meet The Fockers

W.W.B.D.?

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If you didn’t like the first one, DO NOT see this one. But if you did, then yer gonna get more of the same sludge we all loved. I didn’t laugh more than three times, but I certainly cracked miles of smiles cause it was truly enjoyable seeing more of the Focker clan. I had my doubts about Dustin in this one, but my Hoffs stole the show. He’ll make u wish he was yer dad. And with the box office buxomness it did, I’ll be more than slap happy to waste another 10 clams for a third installment. But where do they go from there? Fock if I know.

Recommended for those who like: feeling uncomfortable, feeling Minnesota, and Teri Polo with clothes on.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix one of the most uncomfortable movies ever, Neighbors.

The Aviator

Keeps Reaching For The Stars, But Often Its Legs Are Stuck In The Ground

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This movie was good, but it could have been so much much much butt munch a crunch a much roger dinty more than some flick stuck on auto-pilot. I think both of my long dead Grandmothers’ could’ve directed this… even from the grave (no disrespect ladies)! And here are my two main problems: 1) Leo DiCaprio is a good actor (how long can we use Gilbert Grape as an eggscuse peoples!!), but he did not for one second make me believe that he was Howard H Hughes. OK, maybe fore 3 seconds when he sported a stache, but er, well, uh, NO. Sorry Leo, but I think both of my long dead Grandfathers’ could’ve pulled it off better than you! And numero 2) Who friggin cares solely about Hughes’ dedication to aviation? I could watch the History Hitler Channel to find out that infotainment thank you NOTSz. I mean, I read a whole book on HHH whilst me was in Jamaica and I couldn’t put it down cause I kept wanting to read about ALL (not 5 like the movie shows) the broads he wined and boned!! Not only that, but what about the end of his life? That’s all us Americans care about, the bad and mysterious crap. I mean, who didn’t desire to see Leo with a long beard and 6 needles stuck in his arm? We got a better picture of that when Mr Burns went germaphobia happy. And that’s a forking shame. Oliver Stone made two mistakes, one being Alexander, the second was not directing this. Now there’s a man who’d do HHH justice, by showing us what we want… true or not. But all in all, it was still a good movie. Beckincell was smokin, Blanchettee was Oscarlicious, but hey, we all juss want more. And if you don’t want more, well, YOU SMELL LIKE MY GRUNDLE YOU POOPHEAD YOU!!

Recommended for those who like: extinct airlines, evil Alan Alda, and GoodFellas‘ Jimmy Two Times’ speech pattern.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Chaplin.

Phantom of The Opera

Confirms That Joel Suchmacher Is The World’s Wurstest Director (sans The Lost Boys)

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Why make a movie out of musical if you’re not going to improve upon it? Case closed here! Well, I would like to mention that Emily Rossum is not hot at all, but looks eggzactly like a creepya$$ doll. I juss keep waiting for her to say, ‘Momma… Momma’ over and over. And DisSpencer seems to sorta agree, likening her to Minnie Mouse + Mary-Elizabeth Mastrantonio + Angelina Jolie – any sexual experience. Basically, none of those things are positive, like the movie Phantom of The Opera… which me mum loved and which prompted me to call her ‘crazy’ for doing so. DAMN YOU Suchmacher!!! However, kudos for casting fUcKer Jennifer Ellison. I could lick her feet all day long.

Recommended for those who like: awfulicious stage to screen adaptations, awfulistic Joel Suchmacher flicks, and all things awful, like this film.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix a real movie musical. Take yer pick, Oliver! or Moulin Rouge.

Beyond The Sea

Not To Be Confused With The Sea Inside, Which Is Actually Good

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Could possumly be the WURST biopic AND movie directed by an actor EVER! Yes, this movie made me roll my eyes more than the eyes in that soup in Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom!! Firstoff, the movie is all over the place and zig zags thru nothing to almost something back to nothing times 6. Secondlyoff, YOU LEARN NOTHING ABOUT BOBBY DARIN. Well, you find out that he sang some songs you’ve heard of and that he married Sanda Dee, but other than that, NOTHING. Oh wait, he also owned a watch and his sister was really his mother and he didn’t win an Oscar, and lived in a trailer once singing hippy crap and then died one day. Ooops, did I say too much? Good, DON’T BOTHER WITH THIS CRAP!! Why SPACEY?!?!?! This biocrapic has too much sugar in it. Juss when nothing is going on, everyone has to jump up and down with their flaming jazz hands and sing and dance like a bunch of Danny Ferryies. CRAP. PUKE. YUCK. Tell us what you really think Thigh Master? THIS THING SUCKS WORSE THAN A HOOVER VACCUUM SUCKING OUT ALL THE DINGLEBERRIES OUT OF EVERYONE’S ASS IN THE KNOWN WORLD! Did I mention that Kate Booooozworth could be the wurstest actress? The new Superman will suffer cause of her!

Recommended for those who like: water torture (Chinese or regular), Bob Hoskins, and everything in between.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix ANY OTHER BIOPIC EVER.