I’ll Take The Mother of My Children For $200 Alex

• Have you been following Jeopardy!’s THUMBcredible Tournament of Champions? Probably not cause yer a big fat loser who can only compete with the lame brains that appear on Wheel of Fortune. Anywhozitz, the bizatches they normally have competing on the show are the fattiest of the fat hippo-tot-a-butches. Lizadies that look like yer English teacher in high school who had dem giant John Stossel ‘staches. (I know this is all a bit shallow, but like Stossel would say ‘Gimmie a break’ cause I’ve been watchin this show for EVA) But alas, I think I’ve finally found my Jeopardy! Aphrodite. And Aphro’s real name is Pam Mueller. What’s crizz-azy about this is that my lusting for the Muel goes back to when she cleaned house on 2000’s College Tournament. I thought I’d never see her again and she quickly escaped my mind, til she showed up again on my TiVo a few weeks back in this Ultimate Tourney. Well, the horny-ness-ness is back on full force and I think this love is fo realzz!! Don’t worry folks, she aint Her Royal Thighness material, but mos def a strong Trung candidate to mother my childrenz. She’s not only a super genius, but she’s ultra adorable, well poised, and currently resides in the DC area. All major pluses in my book. And I bet it’s safe to say she loves corn and going to the movies. So peeps, be sure to root on my dearest Pammy as she tackles a bunch of super dorks in the Elite 18. I mean, who’d u rather see collages of, Ken Jennings, or Perfect Pam? [Note: I know those pics SUCK, but there aint many a Pam Mueller pics tearin up dem internets]

• XtraGoogle, the mp3 search engine we’ve all been waitin for! [via Double Whopper w/Vikes]

• Waitin for the big guys to write about Coachella? Well, have fun waitin, cause shiz takes foreverski to write about. Bee leave u a me, I almost had to quit my day job last ano juss to wrap up last year’s festives! In the meantime, I suggest you peep out Central Village‘s musings and Arcade Fire masturbation piece. Also I got a real kick out of World Wide Wang’s review. Here’s a snippet that made me laff more than a whip-it:

We again left early for some experimental band called Bloc Party. I’m not sure what exactly to call them, but they seemed to be a new wave of British punk-pop that will be the big thing in a few years. Mr. Starfizzy with his infinite knowledge of British rock, explained to me that they are the new catchy thing.

• Is there anything better than a wet Yessica Alba?

• Colbert = ColBEST!

• Damon Albarn To Record Album With Val Kilmer?

• Orlando Bloom is like the Puff Daddy of England. I hear he’s gonna start a pointless t-shirt co called ‘Voteth Or I’ll Star In Another Movie That Takes Place Before the 19th Century’! Related: Subservient Blair

• No one can turn nothing into something like the great Srunken Deppfather! FYI: his content is usually NSFW. His ads are mos farfelly NOT SAFE FOR EYEBALLS!

• So at my 10 year reunion, should I just walk around sportin’ sunglasses and corn? Rocket Pride Rocket Power!

• Finally there’s a reason for me to join the army. [via The Barrister]

• How much tzatziki sauce do you thinks the Gyro Captain consumes in a day?

• I don’t think it’s fair that Saturn has 46 moons and we have only 1. Sure, we have hot ass babes, but where does that really get us?

• Wanna see J-Lo lock horns with J-Fo fo free? [via Melly Mel]

• If u ever want a girl to bone u, buy her this. [via Verbose Semicoma]

• My Favorite Word. Mine? Grundlicious!

• Seriously, what is wrong with her eyes?!? That look is so 69 B.C.!!