Star Bores?

Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
More By The Numbers Than CBS’s Num3rs
View TrailerS

Unlike what Boyz II Men said, it’s not so hard to say goodbye, to yesterday… with ‘yesterday’ being 3:13 AM this morning when I left the theater covered in popcorn dust, an acute case of swamp ass, and udder disgust for 6 years of wasted anticipation gone right down the toilet. But before I delve into the deetz lettuce get a few things gay & straight here. First off, the movie was NOT AWFUL, and sirprizngly, neither is Hayden Christensen. It was fun & entertaining and you will probably really enjoy it. Actually you will only enjoy it, or think you did, for two reasons: 1) the first two episodes were SO FORKIN UNRELIEVABLY UNEGGCEPTABLE that even if the third one was Leonard Part 6 mixed with Ghost Dad and had only one lightsaber duel, it would have been seen as a vast improvement. 2) yer watching a movie where you already know the outcome of the plot and the fate of all the characters involved. It’s sorta like reading the book before seeing the movie version of it and can’t help but feeling disappointed cause it’s not how you imagined it. And the only peeps you remotely care about are the ones that you already fell in love with circa ’77-’83. The crowd cheered when they saw the familiar faces (like the pointless Chewbacca cameo), but I don’t recall such fanfare when Jimmy Smits appeared. Oh, I’m sorry, I guess I forgot how memorable, umcredible, and near and dear to my heart these characters are: Watto ‘The Turkish rug dealer’, Jar Jar Stanx, Boss ‘Swamp’ Nass, Sio Bibble ‘Babble’, Poggle the ‘More is’ Lesser, Captain Typho‘id’, Wat ‘Jeffrey’ Tambor, Nute ‘I am Asian, but I’m not’ Gunray, Dex ‘How Big Yer Pocket Books Are’ Jettster, and the wurstest creation ever to come out of George’s skull, that penis-Mena-Suvariesque-6-head Jedi, Ki-Adi-Mundi-Zeta-Jones. Luckily mos of the aforementioned wastes of gigabytes on a computer did not grace us with their presence in Ep III.

The following paragraph does not contain spoilers. It does not contain spoilers cause you ALREADY KNOW EGGZACTLY WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN. And if you couldn’t figure out how things were going to transpire based solely off of the teaser trailer, like I did, then you must have the brain activity of Rosie O’Donnell’s farts. OMG, CAN U BEE LEAVE ANAKIN TURNS INTO DARTH VADER!!! WAIT, PADAME ISN’T HAVING ONE BABY, BUT TWO!!!! WHAT, JIMMY SMITS FLEES THE GALAXY, CHANGES HIS NAME TO VICTOR SIFUENTES & JOINS A LOS ANGELES LAW FIRM?!?!?!?! And so on and so fork. This movie has been billed as the one the fans have been waiting for, with all the darkness, Jedi killing, and what snot, but I don’t buy into that shit at all. Episode I should have started things off with a bang and not what seemed like taking your nephew to Chuck E. Cheese’s, where he has all the fun in the ball bin, but yer too big so you’re forced to watch that creepy animatronic band rock out.

You know what, I don’t think you all can truss my opinion on this flick. I’ve juss been so darn jaded-pinketed-smithed by the whole new set of Episodes that it was nearly impossible for me to be impressed and turned from the dark side of my opinions. I wanted to be wowed, not woed. I still stand by my stance and safety dance that Lucas should have never made these. If you want to expand the Star Wars universe, you move forward, not backward. I mean, when I have a Thigh Master Jr running around my castle, is he to watch these movies in Episode order? I can juss picture the mos handsomest kid in the world saying to me, ‘Hey daddy, you’re the greatest father that ever did live on planet Earth, but after Episode III, why does everything move a lot slower and look so darn dull and boring?’ How do you explain that to the golden child? I still think the new movies are way too flashy and busy. And the CG looks like crap. General Grievous? He’s like Jar Jar, but has 7 arms. WHORE-ABLE!!! You still can’t replace real with fake real. It juss doesn’t work, purty much like Eps I thru III. But why are u listening to me, yer gonnna see it regardzzzz-less. So have fun and may the force be with Jews.

Recommended for those who like: Natalie Portman moaning, Pompeii, and R2-D2 doing things that R2-D2 couldn’t possibly do like fly.

Possible Porno Name: Star Whores III: Revenge of The Stiff Peniseses

Unsatisfied with this? I feel your pain. Take a lubricated bath in Uncle Owen’s garage, relax, and try to erase 1999 on from your memory banks.