Clone Alone 2:Not Lost In Translation

The Island
Think THX-1138, But With a Lot Less 38
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When is a Michael Bay movie unlike a Michael Bay movie? When it actually has a plot that is more captivating than all the 2 fast 2 furiousness action appearing on screen. And with The Island, Bay breaks from his normal by the numbers approach (and by numbers, I mean explosions per second) and gives us not only his best work to date, but one of the most bestest flicks of the year! Yes, you read that correctly. Tis be quite a shame then that this movie tanked so hard cause it actually presents more ideas than the other box office effects heavy affairs, like that of the mindless War of the Worlds and the too hyper-digital CGI shiz of Episode III. By now I’m sure you all know how the story ben unfolds five (two clones escape their pseudo-utopian society when they learn they were created for the off chance that their hosts will need a spare organ), but as Ebert said, we’d be better off if we were kept in the dark. Not that that ruins the movie, but it woulda created a helluva lot more intrigue for the moviegoer if that fine infos was withheld. I knew that going in and it still didn’t stop The Island from making an impact on me. Don’t spank me wrong, since this is a Michael Bay film, I went in as a doubting tom from frame one on. I kept waiting and waiting for it to turn completely chop suckey, but that moment never ever came to fruition. Big ideas will always beat out big guns in my book. It’s juss so pathetic that Bay finally releases something of substance, and something he should certainly be proud of, only to have the public to turn it’s back on it. Great, cause of people like you, there’s still hope for Bad Boys III. Ef you all to hell. Kiss kiss, bang bang.

Recommended for those who like: the future of Amtrak, ‘Give us, us free’, and any 70’s Sci-Fi film that doesn’t include the word ‘Star’ in it.

Possible Porno Name: The Island… of Porno Midgets Who Love To Give Head

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix the movie that The Island is supposedly a clone of, Parts: The Clonus Horror, or the MST3K version!

Four Brothers
Marky Mark and the Crunky Bunch
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Four Brothers plays out more like a Michael Bay movie than The Island does. It’s juss one big ole clunk of action jackson, with nothing in between but fast walkin and even faster talkin (and nobody walks harder than Marky). Kinda like 2 Fast 2 Furious, which coincidentally was also directed by John Singleton, who has apparently has given up on the promise he showed in Boyz n the Hood. Considering what I’ve said before, you’d think that this would be an absolute stinker, but for some reason it works… as a jj reddickiously implausible shoot em up revenge flick that takes place during the winter. One’s brain will easily turn off (in a C-3PO [NSFW] sorta way) while peeping this, and make sure that it does so you can bypass all the fluff: dialog that’s stiffer than me while intersleuthing for Charlotte Church pics, the absence of real oliver twist or turns, although they try to throw some curveballs at us, and characters that are more one-dimensional than the cast of any Kevin Smith movie. I can’t really give you a reason as to why you should stay away from this pointless exercise in violence, so I’ll give you one reason to go: Where else are you gonna see such hot up and cummers like Andre 3000, Tyrese, and the always flawless and braless Chiwetel Ejiofor act like a bunch of chumps? Dunno, Michael Bay’s next movie?

Recommended for those who like: guns, more guns, and Anson Carter.

Possible Porno Name: On All Fours Brothers

Unsatisfied with this? Turn on yer brain and Netflix Falling Down

Red Eye
Seen The Trailer? Then You’ve Seen The Movie
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Did you read the subtitle above? If you’ve seen the trailer, then you’ve seen the entire movie. If you didn’t, let me reenact it for you. Damn, my plane is delayed! But OOOOh, I met this nice and hot guy in the airport that really looks like that not so nice and not so hot guy Scarecrow in Batman Tries Again. Maybe I can be his boyfriend one day! Oh splendid, my flight is finally ready to depart! I can’t wait to go home and see my goateed daddy! That’s odd, that nice and hot guy has the seat next to me. Is it fate? Uh, maybe not since he’s threatening to kill my father if I don’t do something that will somehow involve a rocket launcher and the top of a hotel or office building. Hmmm, what to do? I’m terrified to death, and I’m such a lil hottie, and now I’m stuck on a plane with a madman who is so MAD, and still kinda hot!!!! What will I ever do to get the attention of someone on this plane and save the day as well as my life??!!! END TRAILER reenactment. OK, so there’s a bit more to it than that, like who is the rocket intended for and what will happen to her daddy, but I’m sure you can fill in your own missing reeses pieces without having to see this. I really should stop watching trailers cause it’s sorta taking the fun out of my moviegoing eggspeareantz. Or maybe the studios should only release teasers that include 2 seconds of actual movie and 2 minutes of juss words on a screen. Or maybe you should go and see this regardless cause it IS a well-crafted well-acted welly-welly-welly-welly-well good time at the old cinematorium. Did I mention that the Lindsay Lohan 2.0 is in it?

Recommended for those who like: movies under 86 minutes, Brian Cox watching TV, and mean girls who think that ‘fetch’ is not going to happen.

Possible Porno Name: Red Eye, Pink Labia

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Airplane II: The Sequel. I mean, someone has to. Plus it’s also under 86 minutes!

The Aristocrats
The Unfunniest Joke Turned Into The Most Tedious Doc
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I’ve got a grand idea, lets take some of comedy’s biggest and brightest, and force em all to tell one of the lamiestest unknown inside jokes in their own way OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND ZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz… wake me up when Orlando Bloom starts telling the joke. I hate when people tell jokes. I hispecially hate it when I hear the same joke twice. So you can imagine how much hate was in my body and how much I wanted to drink my own microwaved tuna vomit after about 3 tellings of this joke. I get it. It’s a really dirty dirty dirty joke and some people’s versions are even dirtier than others. Funny HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! You said your son was porking his grandmother and licking up your dog’s poo???!! HOW CRAAZZYZYZYZYY IS THAT!!! Maybe I’m juss too desensitized or my humor has been wiped away since I found out that I wasn’t gay, but I’m done folks. No more movies that contain ‘jokes’ for me.

Recommended for those who like: the Frat Pack, people sitting, and DV camerawork that be so shitty that it makes your Bar Mitzvah video look like Koyaanisqatsi.

Possible Porno Name: The Fistinyourassacrats

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Read Blanche Knott instead