Ukraine In The Membrane

Everything Is Illuminated
Let This Light Shine In
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Elijah Wood has made some very samwise role choices in his post-LOTR career. For they all have been as far from the Shire has hobbitly possible. And coincidentally, he has been doing so by disguising himself behind a pair of glasses. In Spotless Mind he sported a classic pair of droopy eyeglasses, in Sin City they were killer reverse sunglasses, and in Liev Schreiber’s wondrous directorial debut, Everything Is Illuminated, he dons Coke bottle lenses that make em look like a mini-Clark Kent. The last pair of glasses are his most recockulous of the three, but they belong to the one of his most juiciest roles yet, real-life author Jonathan Safran Foer, who goes on a not so real-life pilgrimage to the Ukraine in search of his grandfather’s village and the woman who saved his life from a Nazi death. With no real clues to go on cept a photo and a piece of jewelry in his pocket, he enlists the help of a self-diagnosed blind driver (Boris Leskin), his ‘seeing eye bitch’ Sammy Davis Jr Jr, and his Michael Jackson lovin eurotrash kinda English translatin’ grandson (Eugene Hutz, in the 2nd best breakout performance of the year, behind Amy Adams in Junebug) to track down this long forgotten village and mysterious woman. What starts off as a bumbling road trip, sprinkled with numerous hilarious lost in translation moments, slowly weaves itself into a heartfelt and bittersweet conclusion of discovery, identification, and enlightenment. So where else are you going to find comedy and drama so flawlessly balanced in one movie this year? Nowhere, and that’s why this one’s special, and not juss for this year, but for years to come. Juss don’t eggspect to see Eugene Hutz with his patented ‘stache.

Recommended for those who like: Chas, Ari, and Uzi‘s Adidas tracksuits, those Stella Artois Eastern European countryside ‘Adopt a Short’ intros you see before any movie playing at a Landmark Theater, and Ziploc ® Bags

Possible Porno Name: Everything Is In Your Laminated Vagina

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Flightplan
Ready For Boarding, Not BORING
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What do you get if you take Jodie Foster’s protective mother character from Panic Room and put her on the same flight from Red Eye? FLIGHTPLAN!!! A movie with no stoopid hidden political agendas, no gratuitous nudity, (spankfully) no Samuel L Jackson, juss pure spine-tingling 93 minutes of Jodie Foster, ON A PLANE!!!!! And she’s just not any passenger on this plane, but JODIE FOSTER with another name as the passenger on this plane!!! And for some reason her daughter disappeared into thin air like UPN’s The Mullets, so she snatchurally goes nutty and runs up and down the plane worrying everyone and the mother and their mother’s cousin’s uncle ernie!! She starts accusing Arab men of being Arab and then yells at Sean Bean cause he’s the cpt of the ship + she was so pissed that he got all greedy and tried to take the ring from Frodo. Good thing Air Marshall and sexgod to the ladies, Peter Sarsgaard, and not Stellan SkarsgÃ¥rd, was on board, cause Jodie may have done some very un-Jodie things, like burn her bra and panties or star in Nell 2 with Nelly! I won’t reveal much more, but PLAN on seeing this FLIGHT. It’s fun and JODIE’s in it, and boy does she look great!!!! Juss please don’t let John Hinckley read this!

Recommended for those who like: post 9/11 flight regulations, Arabs who wear Bill Cosby sweaters, and that fat crack smoking bizatch from Traffic/fat IMing swimfan from Swimfan

Possible Porno Name: Flightplanal

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