Cash Us Clay

Thumbsucker
Not to be confused with The Chumscrubber or Nien Nunber
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Justin Cobb (doe-eyed newcomer Lou Pucci) has a lot o’ problems. He can’t seem to focus on his studies, he’s awkward with the ladies, his dad is Private Pyle, his mom (the always outstanding Tilda Swinton) has the same haircut as him, and wurst of all, he’s a teenage thumbsucker! OH THE HORROR!!! At the behest of his dentist (Keanu Reeves, doing his best… Keanu Reeves), he undergoes hypnosis in an attempt at ending his thumb attachment. When that backfires, he tries a different approach, by way of Ritalin, as recommended by his trusted speech teacher (Vince Vaughn, doing his best… un-Vince Vaughn, read: actually acting). Finally things begin to come into focus for our confused protagonist. He’s more comfortable in his own skin, excelling at school, and most importantly, i guess, allowing his thumb to be saliva-free. But as the Verve once sang, the drugs don’t work, they just make things worse. Sure, some of his issues may have subsided, but the others remain and new ones have sprouted up. He becomes cocky, resentful, turns to pot, and it surely doesn’t help that a slight rift between his dad and his mom, who, in a subplot, starts working at a rehab facility, tending to a TV heartthrob (Benjamin Bratt), is growing by the day. Moodily directed by the gifted music video/commercial man (Air’s ‘Sexy Boy’ + that fab ELO tuned Volkswagen commercial) Mike Mills (no, not of R.E.M. fame), the viewer never falls hook line and sinker with the film, although this viewer really wanted to. All the ingredients are mos certainly in place for a delicious meal (hispecially the top notch acting), but once everything’s mixed together and served, it juss doesn’t seem so all together edible. Sound familiar? Well, that’s pretty much how I felt about the other Tilda Swinton flick this year, Broken Flowers [review]. Lettuce hope that the same won’t be true when she’s the thing between the lion and the wardrobe in this winter’s Chronicles of Narnia.

Recommended for those who like: boy’s bathrooms, Elliot Smith AND the Polyphonic Spree, and grrrls who sorta resemble Mena ‘Surfin’ Suvari

Possible Porno Name: all too easy… Cumsucker, or how bout Chodesucker

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Prozac Nation

Corpse Bride
Bride & (My) Prejudice
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Once again, I have to state my len bias before we move on. I loathe cartoons, but I loooooooooooooathe clay shit stuff more than ANYTHING (well, maybe 2nd next to microwaved tunafish). Yep, I’d rather watch 90 minutes of vomit than Wallace & Gromit. I still don’t understand what the big deal with A Nightmare Before Christmas was? Watching it gave me minor seizures and wurser headaches than being a Kansas City Royals fan. OK, now we’re all set, seat-belts fastened, and ready to play with some Play-dohn’t. ALAS my Thighlanders, dem movie makers hath sirprized me once again, as they did last month with the underscored/underloved Cry_Wolf [review]. Corpse Bride is snot only passable, but thoroughly enjoyable for anyone aged 4 to 444!! It’s short (key pt #1), the stars providing the voices blend into the action, not take away from it (I’m looking in your direction Shrek Dreck), and what really struck me was that it was effin dark as hell, not just in theme, but in color scheme as well. All in all, it reminded me a lot of one of my all thyme T Burton favs, Legend of Sleepy Hollow. The only bad thang about the whole thang were dem dreaded kiddie songs. I guess after Wonka, Burtie was on a bit of a musical kick, or they really were short on material and needed to fill a 1/3rd of it with a bunch of whatevedness. Regardless, those who fear clay, it’s safe to come out and Play-doh.

Recommended for those who like: skeletons with mustaches, Fox’s Bones, and things that go bump in the night and not in your pants

Possible Porno Name: Whores Bride

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix the aforementioned Sleepy Hollow… such underrated bestness