Gob Let It Bleed

Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire
He’s Growns Up and He’s Growns Up and He’s Growns Up
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In an age oversaturated with purposeless Star Wars flicks and endless super hero dribble, there aint nuttin more dependable in the hero department than a Harry Potter flick. And how could one ever complain about a film that pleases a broader range of ages than a Yes & Know quiz and game book? It’s purty much umpossible to take one of JK Yummings books and turn it into crap on a stick… although Chris Columbus came close to turning us all into Rip van Winkles (not to be confused with Rob van Winkle) with the first two joints. Luckily for us all, threesome king Alfonso Cuarón was brought in for ‘the greatest third movie ever‘, which left the bar raised purty darn high for Goblet director Mike Newell, who brought us such forgettable pu-pu splatters as Mona Lisa Smile and Pushing Tin. But Newbie admirably carries the torch with the forth installment. This Potter goes deeper, darker, and somewhat even sexier. Everything seems to have matured, much like the lil actors themselves… and by ‘lil actors’, I aint talkin bout Warwick Davis.

I read the first three books, but didn’t even bother tackling this 734 paged behemoth. I figured what kid’s book could be worth that much investment of time? I mean Ellison’s brills Invisible Man is a bit over 600 pages, and I struggled to the finish line with that in the 11th grade. But I’m kinda kicking myself in the grundle for not reading Goblet, cause I’m sure many a lil plotlines were cut out so it wasn’t a 5+ hour movie, like the silent Napoléon. But what wasn’t omitted was pretty effin meaty: badder baddies, diggty dragons, tentacled mermaids, tentacled trees, and the seeds of young love (I too would raise my wand high for Cho Chang over Fleur Delacour, but I still hold out hope for Ginny). All of which are sorta eye candy filler for the real juice we’ve all been waitin for: a throwdown showdown with the resurrected Lord Voldemort, which should easily remind anyone of Luke’s landmark encounter with Darth in Cloud City, although boviously not as momentous, cause that was friggin the bee season’s knee season. And anything worthy of that comparison, is mos def a MUSS C. Final big ups go out to Michael Gambon, who makes a butter Albus Dumbledore than the dear and deceased Richard Harris, the Weasley twins, who actually provide more comic relief than their bro Ron, and the use of tentacles, without being all dirty Japanese and stizz.

Recommended for those who like: Jack Torrance’s chill spot, 8th grade dances, and legions of Bulgarian wizards-in-training who look like Eric Balfour

Possible Porno Name: Hairy Penis and The Throblet of Desire

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Addams Family Values

Further Fun: ‘This Is The Night’ by the Wyrd Sisters, but not these Wyrd Sisters [d-lode]