This Is Sparta Lame

300
What The Dilios?
Trailers & mo

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I loves me some mindless entertainment, but 300 is sain and plimply mindless. If yer as big a fan of HBO’s Rome, as yer beloved Thigh Mizzle is, then you will probably agree that this flick is not even as good as its wurstest episode… and for the record, there hasn’t been one single bad edish of the Lucius Vorenus-Titus Pullo funfest. Many have admitted that there’s no soul, heart or real emotion goings on in this big screen adaptation of this ‘beloved’ Frank Miller graphic novel, but it hasn’t seem to bother them (I guess they were also fans of Tarsem’s The Cell). Well, it bothers the hechinger’s outta me cause all the green/blue screen special effects aren’t the least bit impressive. So if a flick has no core and no shiny outside then it is truly nothing. Not for a lack of trying, but 300 is a total failure when you compare it to the other Frank Miller trip down cinema lane: Sin City [TWS.org review]. So why did Sin City rock and 300 suck my cock? Besides the obvious like the casts and directors 300 tries too hard to be serious that it’s laffabull… shit. It seems more like a dumb comic book movie than a graphic novel film. I was so annoyed by the cocky Spartans that I was secretly rooting for the Persians to webster slaughter them by the end of the first battle. Hell, there was more drama from the Spartans of Michigan State when they took my Terps to the wire at MSG in November than there was in this neverending slo-motion sword and sandal shit pic. But don’t take my word for it. I bet Captain Oveur‘s a big fan.

to sum up, or for those who skipped the first paragraph, 300 is a two hour poor man’s version of this redonkeylessly overproduced Marines commerish from yesteryear…

Possible Porno Name: Three Humpettes

Apt MPupil3: Sparta’s ‘The Most Vicious Crime‘ [d]

Gettin Graphic: Apparently director Zak Snyder can’t stop adapting, as the long gestating film version of Alan Moore’s classic graphic novel The Watchman is next on his docket

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): I find no merit in the movie, but it’s not a complete zero, but since one-star flicks leo getz the same label as zeros… Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous•

and all apologies go out to Britain’s Amistadish Amazing Grace and Anthony Minghella’s modern day melodrama Breaking & Entering. We saw both of these 8+ mos before they were released in theaters and never got around to reviewing them. There’s a reason why it took so long for them to get to theaters and so I figure that that was reason enuff to not review them. While I’d say each are worth a peep, I’d also have to say that both are underwhelming

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…