Qwik (Alvis) W(h)itted

Stardust
From Dust Til Yawn
Trailer & Mo

Rob Reiner won’t be havin any restless evenings knowing that Stardust is not only NOT in the same league as his beyond brills Princess Bride, but not even in the same Species, Genus, Family, Order, Class, Phylum and/or Kingdom! Stardust is somewhere between Zardoz and MS-DOS. I don’t really know what that means, but what I do know is that the man who produced Snatch & Lock Stock and basically put X-3 into Brett Ratner’s fumblin hands decided to follow-up his yummy Layer Cake [TWS.org review] with this over baked Danny Ferry tale. Stardust mos certainly tries hard at entertainin, but it’s way too whimsy and not enuff cool. Hell, this pic of Mr Vaughn on set is the coolest thang that had anything to do with this kiddie pic. All the actors do a fine job, hispecially DeNiro as a gay pirate, but they’re having all the fun on screen and leaving little for the audience. And there’s two things that really peeved me. Numba one was the cheesy special effects. Young Sherlock Holmes had better CGI than Dust did, and that came out in 1985 for out loud cryin! And numba two, what on earth (and the heavens for that splatter) is goings on with Claire Danes’ blond eyebrows?

Hammer Time: hopefully Vaughn’s next project Thor will be more cool than whimsy. And who would make the perfect Thor? How bout Vincent D’Onofrio who played him in Adventures In Babysitting

Netflix Capacitor: want a Stardust that you’ll actually remember in years to come? Hit up the Woodman’s klassic Stardust Memories [trailer]

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

No Reservations
Send My Compliments To The Chef
Trailer & Mo

Lettuce waste no time here folks. This shoulda been a giant terd on a stick. Smarmy Aaron Eckhart uses all the right ingredients to get uptight Catherine Zeta Jones Douglas the III (the greatest Sorority Ever) to open up her kitchen and her heart, all while she tries to play mum to her recently orphaned niece, Olive Hoover. But ya know what? It wasn’t a terd, and not even close! To put it in laid-man’s terms, there are far worse movies to be dragged to by a woman. One of them is Stardust, but in that parDICKular case, I was the dragger, not the draggeeeeeeeee

Wurstest Date Movie Mt EVERest: my boy Gulf of Sonkin had his first and last date when he took a lady to go see Sleepers. Same thing woulda probably happened had it been Sleepwalkers, although that flick didn’t contain any Kevin Bacon raperific fun!

Be Wear: if I could buy one sorta offense Native American shirt, tis would be the one

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…