We’re Not In Can’s A$$ Anymore

Garden Party
Amateur Hour… and a Half
Trailers & Mo

Thank Jeebus that Ricky Nelson‘s deceased, cause we don’t think he’d wanna live in a world where a film named after one of his hit songs sucks so darn much (we’re also curious if he’d wanna live in a world where his sons’ Matt & Gunnar have prettier hair than most women). Sometimes a movie can get by with C-list material if the cast is up to the challenge, but when the cast is straight off the F-list (the only recognizable faces are Marissa Cooper’s sister, the Eyes Wide Shut whore, and that dude with the brows bushier than Bert of Ernie fame) you’ll end up with something that’s not even passable as a straight-to-DVD product. Garden Party‘s snoozingly follows the lives of an artist, a wandering musician, a jail bait teen, a not so secretly gay guy who secretly wants to dance, a real estate mogul who sweetens her deals with pot, and a dude who takes pictures of naked chicks for the internets. And what do they all have in common? Well, besides a lot of wooden acting, they all are a bunch of lost souls traipsing around the city of lost souls, Los Angeles (WOW, what a novel idea!). Most of the characters will eventually cross paths, but you won’t care, cause all these roads lead to nowhere. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Native Grima Wormtongue: Brad Dourif + Joni Dourif = daughter Fiona. yikes!

Verdictgo: Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Eight Miles High!
(Das Wilde Leben)
Exile On Lame Street
Trailers & Mo

How could a biopic about a ’60s German sex symbol, who had flings with revolutionaries, some crazy adventurer with a mustache, Hendrix, Mick and Keef (above, Alexander Scheer, who gives Johnny Depp a run for his money as bestest Richards impersonator) be so uninteresting? Did we mention that there are at least 8 scenes of NSFWedness and yet it’s still a bore fest and 101/102ths? Beyond sum beautiful scenery and decent future JO material for home spewing, there’s little to recommend about the life and grinds of Uschi Obermaier put on display in this film. Then again, whatta ya expect when the people Obermaier were banging are more worthy of exploration than she is. There’s no discernible tale to tell here, juss a bunch of floating from one bed to the next that always resulted with the last man deep in a pile of jealousy. Perhaps a documentary woulda been a better route to go, and put some meaning into all this meaningless sex

Almost Famous: peep real snaps of Uschi, inlcuding ones with Mick AND Keef!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

The Edge of Heaven
(Auf der anderen Seite)
ALMOST Heaven
Trailers & Mo

Two characters die in The Edge of Heaven, and believe it or snot, we’re not ruining a thing for you. Hell, the movie itself plays the spoiler when it splits the events into three acts via title cards, with the first two declaring the deaths right at the beginning. And even though we know the predetermined fate of these victims, it still comes as a great shock when the deeds eventually occur. Everything surrounding the events, leading up to and after, are all bits of inspired filmmaking, which comes across in a mos lovely gentle and quiet kinda way. Heaven examines the disconnection and reconnection between fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, and where you live and where you come from (this film shuttles back and forth between Germany and Turkey). We read somewhere that this Heaven was kinda like a mini-Babel and we’d have to agree with that fact, cept you’ll walk outta the theater with a little more faith in humanity instead of dread

Gotta Have Faith: Faith Akin is one of a dozen or so directors to lend his talents to the NY version of Paris, je t’aime. We have a stinkin suspicion that his short will probably be a bit better than Zach Braff’s

Verdictgo: it’s a fine fine movie, but a lil too long for its own good so Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Garden and Miles open today in limited release, where Heaven has been for awhile. And for some reason, the gripping Roman Polanski doc that was on HBO is now playing in select theaters as well

Rental Round-Up Dawg:

It goes without spraying that if you’ve haven’t seen season one of Mad Men you should stop what yer doing and right that wrong immediately, hispecially before season 2 kicks off on July 27th. And this isn’t a ‘Netflix-it’ kinda series, but one to own, hispecially (pt ii) since it comes in a nifty jumbo Zippo cigarette lighter case! And for those of us who’ve already seen season 1, the new set it a grand way to get our Joan moan jones over and over, or at least until our palms turn hairy

Stop-Loss and Vantage Point were mostly hosed by critics and ignored at the box office, and dat’s a crying shame, considering they both woulda been a lot of fun to see on the big screen. Stop Loss was one of the more watchable Iraqi War flicks we’ve seen of late, mainly cause the action happens at home, and it was also a good warm-up to peep Channing Tatum in uniform, a summer before he brings GI Joe’s Duke to life. Vantage Point is very hammy and repetitive, but it also has kick glass action and William Hurt in probably his least annoying role of the past few years

Maybe yer looking to warm yer heart a bit, well try Papillon or The Year My Parents Went on Vacation on for thighs. Papillon‘s the unbelievable true tale of a French prisoner (Steve McQueen) endlessly trying to escape (with the help of Dustin Hoffman, rawking the bestest set of screen specs mt EVERest). This would be a good one to watch with the fellas. A lil more on the ‘softer’ side, Vacation is about a Brazilian boy whose parents leave him with his grandpa for a year as they hide out from the gov-mint. Turns out gramps is dead and the community ends up looking after the kid. It’s a nice lil foreign flick that has the added bonus of Brazilian World Cup madness thrown into the mix

And last, but certainly not yeast is Joe Strummer: The Future Is Unwritten [TWS review]. Are you a fan of the Clash? It’s a rhetorical question cause you knows they rule the school and if you disagree, go eat a dick or go on and continue to listen to Maroon 5 or whatevsdotorg. Anywho, director Julian Temple tackled the Sex Pistols on his last doc and gives the Clashman the same royal treatment here in the rip roaring musssssssss see. The DVD has 90+ more minutes of interviews from fans and loved ones. is a nice

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…