Guns N' Moses

The International
House of Edible Plaincakes
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Ever wonder what a James Bond movie woulda been like had Clive Owen inherited 007’s License to print money over Daniel Craig? The International, with it’s duller than dullhouse cookies title, doesn’t necessarily fulfill that ‘what if‘ scenario, hispecially since it isn’t an over-bloated actioner, with fast cars and easy women and easy cars and fast women (sadly that means there aints no Naomi Watts NSFW fun to be found, or really a reason for her to be in this movie other than to sport them sexy buckteeth of hers… speaking of those teef, we kinda want to see a movie where all she does is eat carrots for 5 hours), but it’s about a good looking good bloke in a good suit caught up in a ploppy plot filled with evil European dudes working for evil European corporations making evil European transactions that will make them evil European richer… which sounds eggszactly like the inept and crapluster Quantum of Solace. That’s hactually a compliment for The International cause no one’s expecting anything from a movie that may actually be the same movie as Owen’s Duplicity (which also stars this guy), and everyone was expecting the world from Quantum, but apparently the world is not enuff (although we expect more from the director of Run Lola Run)!! Can you even name a single memorable scene from Quantum, without naming a scene from Quantum Leap? The answer is ‘you can’t’. ‘You cunt’ is also an acceptable answer, but only if you have a British accent. Wells, The International has one memorable scene, a giant shoot out in the Guggenheim (bestest building mt everest? perchaps, although they hammazingly created an exact replica of it instead of filming at the real deal), and it’s so rawkin and raucous and filled with endless Uzi gun spray (is there any better kind of gun spray?) that it not only makes up for the none-sense that comes before and after it, but makes it more worth a peepers than any of Quantum‘s jeepers. Shame on you Bond film peoples! And why the fred funk have you never cast scary German (East Prussian to be exact) guy Armin Mueller-Stahl as a Bond villain? He’s so scary and German that he makes the other scary German guy look as cuddly as a Blago Cabbage Patch Kid

Office Face: remember Neil from the British Office? he’s actually a solid actor named Patrick Baladi and he keeps popping up in movies (this one and also in Last Chance Harvey) and we love him so much that we may have to buy a Sergio Georgini knock-off of his Armani leather jacket

Verdictgo: for the Gugg Uzi spray fest alone, Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Gomorrah
(Gomorra)
Houses of Sodom
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Don’t know if you’ve been over-enveloped by the hype surrounding this film, but don’t believe every grandstanding statement you’ve heard or read or hread. Gomorrah is not the 19th coming of City of God (or Goodfellas). It’s not even the Italian City of God, but perhaps it’s the Italian Village of a Lesser God. Huh? Wuh? Wuhuh? You probably have no idea what we’re talking about or what Gomorrah is or why the word Sodom is missing or how much sodium a body needs or why Gomorrah in Italian doesn’t have an ‘h’ at the end or how it’s related to the Camorra in Naples, which has nothing to do with nipples. NIPPLES! Gomorrah is a movie based on a book of the same name about the Camorra (there’s that word again!), which is a mafiaso type mafia type mafia who organize crime and make money and kill people and make more money and kill more people. The movie follows 6 characters (a money middleman, a neighborhood kid who joins a gang, a guy who works in toxic waste, an expert tailor, and two wanksters who wish they were Tony Montana) and how their lives are shaped by the Camorra’s comings and goings and doings and shootings. Each storyline will keep your eyes glued to the screen throughout, yet as the movie winds down, you expect these pieces to line-up neatly together into one nice lil package, but then it doesn’t. The individual fragments remain juss that, and this piecemeal approach leaves us hungry for more than juss desserts. Nonethebreast, it’s always a pleasure to be let into a corner of the world that’s rarely seen, even if it’s not a nice place to visit or a worse place to get robbed

Tre Sei Mafia: give peepage to Excellent Cadavers (In Un Altro Paese), a hot doc on taking down the Sicilian mafia. if you speak Italian, you can wa
tch the entire thing here

Verdictgo: these fragments are waaaaaaaay better than The Tracey Fragments, so wees has to says Jeepers Worth A Peepers

International opens thighs wide, while Gomorrah hits up limited theaters today. more reviews to be posted today, so stay pooned!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…