Thighs Wide Shut

Snap, Crackle, Popscene

2009-06-30T11:00:00.003-04:00

it's been 4 long and hard (that's what we said) years since we 24 Hour Party Peopled, so tis about time to push this baby to 25 hours. ironically enuff, our pond-crossing jaunt to the country we gotz our independence from will force us to celebrate our Independence Day there (eat it Brits!), but it'll all be totally effin woolsworth it, cause we'll be living out a dream that we've creamed of for ages and rages: seeing (a reunited) Blur play in their own backyard

and if thyme allows, we hopes to accomplish another dream

visit sum of dem Clockwork Orange sites (aka #1 movie mt EVERest), although if we do, our photographic results won't be as real horrorshow as this guy's

Lacoste's Too Much

2009-06-29T15:03:00.002-04:00

we want to perez ourselves up against Rosie Jones [NSFW]

Rockstars and Their Parents

I Have a Bad Case of Diarrhea

Top 10 TILFs (Toys I'd Like To . . .)

Mashed in Plastic's videos [SkinsBlogTweets]

the only thing that could make Jennifer Ellison's boobs bigger

World's Coolest Tennis Court

they match any color

famous people w/cats

Reservoir Turtles

toda uma animação

And So The Story Begins...

2009-06-26T15:06:00.002-04:00

The Hurt Locker
Shiz Is The Bomb, Yo!
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

And so the story begins... a few years ago, in a vacant Baghdad street, three US Army Explosive Ordnance Disposal specialists (Anthony Mackie, Brian Geraghty and Guy Pearce) and their faulty robot assistant are attempting to diffuse a bomb waiting to go boom, while local residents, who may or may not be the bomb placers, look on in the distance. Don't want to ruin anything, but lettuce juss say that one of the soldiers aint gonna be around for the long haul, and it's the one with the highest star wattage (a quick exit happens to another star later in the movie, which is such a great trick on the audience, ala Janet Leigh's unexpected early demise in Psycho). Right off the bat the intensity level is cranked up to 11, and besides a few scenes of R&R, the intensity never dips below 10 (you'll need a cigarette post-screening to calm yerself down, even if you don't smoke)

So after Guy Pearce is blown to smithereens in the opening scene (oh crap, we did ruin it for ya), a new unruly cowboy bomb squad leader is brought in, and played in a beyond star-making turn by Jeremy Renner (you may have seen him be an asshole before in North Country or Take, or in the stuff listed in 'Mad Man' below). His subordinates, Mackey and Geraghty (both eggsalad in their own right), don't take too kindly to his unconventional gung ho ways, especially since it could also get them all blown to smithereens (but not while listening to The Smithereens' 'A Girl Like You'). To them, it's a tough job that someone's gotta do, but for Renner, it's something much more- an addiction that he continuously needs to feed. Hurts so good!!

Director Kathryn Bigelow (Point Break) and writer Mark Boal (penner of the underseen In the Valley of Elah)'s Hurt Locker is without question the definitive Iraq War-related movie of our time. Surely took long enuff, after all the flubs and duds that came before it (Stop-Loss, Rendition, Redacted, anything else Re-poopulous). Hell, we'll even go out on an artificial limb and say that it's the bestest war movie we've seen since Full Metal Jacket (sorry Ryan, yer Shaving Privates production was technically awesome, but it was all a lil too cutesy for our tastes). So if you have the choice this weekend, do yerself a flavor and choose Hurt Locker over that other explosions in the desert clusterfudge

Mad Man: Renner has appeared in several commercials over the years, including ones for Coors Light, 7-11 and Duracell. he also pops up in Pink's video for 'Trouble'

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Surveillance
Several Things Wicked This Way Comes
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

And so the story begins... darkness, murder, blood splattered everywhere, and a ravaged girl appears out of nowhere looking for help. No, this isn't Ronette Polaski's grand entrance that set the disturbing tone for David Lynch's Twin Peaks, but the opening move of the serial killers that run rampant in his daughter Jennifer Chambers Lynch's wickedly delicious (maybe not so) long awaited follow-up to her notorious Boxing Helena. Surveillance is a Rashômonesque whodunit, with several disheveled characters recounting their version of the same grizzly story of what eggzactly happened on a desolate stretch of road earlier in the day (including solid supporting work from lil Ryan Simpkins, Pell James, Mac Miller and Cheri Oteri... yes, the long lost Cheri Oteri). Listening to their tales are FBI agents Julia Ormond and Bill Pullman (that's more of an odd combination than John Cocktoston's Scotch-Romanian name or his parents, but hey, it works!). These J Edgar Hoovers aren't cut from the same clean cut cloth that daddy's Agent Cooper was, and her sheriff (Michael Ironside) and deputies (mustachioed Kent Harper, also the co-writer, and a superb French Stewart... yeah, remember him?) aren't eggzactly any town's finest, unless you count shooting civilians' tires out so they have an eggcuse to harass them

As is the case with Hurt Locker, Surveillance is a relentless, heart-pounding affair that won't loosen its grip go until you let it (even if we hactually guessed the resolution early on). It's possibly a bit more intense than Locker, not necessarily better, and strangely enuff, more thrilling and twisted than her father's recent output. Maybe he should take a page out of her book, instead of the other way around. Remember, it was Jen who wrote The Secret Diary of Laura Palmer, not daddy!

Private Lynching: David Lynch has two other children from two different relationships, sons Riley and Austin Jack, who appeared in Inland 'Unwatchable' Empire and as Mrs Tremond's magic grandson in Twin Peaks

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Chéri
Languishious Liaisons
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

And so the story begins (based on the books by Colette)... with our narrator briefly telling us about some of Europe's mos notorious courtesans during the Belle Époque era, before turning our attentions solely on the long-winded tale of Lea de Lonval (Michelle Pfeiffer) and her beloved younger titled lover (Rupert Friend). At first, it's mostly amusing to watch their relationship blossom from a fling into a full-on multiple year affair, but after they're torn apart by an arranged marriage (to the adorable Felicity Jones) that was set-up by Lea's old rival and Chéri's annoying mother (a VERY annoying Kathy Bates), it turns into an eternal waiting fest, as Lea sits around and pouts and pines and pines and pouts, repeat, repeat, replete. Urgh! You know the two are gonna reunite at some point, for butter or wurst, and by the time we get there, 18 hours later, we wish the two had never met and that the narrator had picked one of the other more scandalous whores to chronicle. Don't know if anyone was clamoring for a Dangerous Liaisons reunion between its director (Stephen Frears), writer (Christopher Hampton) and star (Pfeiffer), but we got one anyway, which doesn't mean you have to watch it, especially when you can get so much more + Asia Agento NSFW heaven in The Last Mistress

You Got The Silver: Anita Pallen berg has a minor role in the film (and was also recently seen in Harmony Korine's brilliant Mister Lonely as The Queen), and is best known for having a major role in the lives of the Rolling Stones. She first started off shacking up with Brian Jones, and then left him for Keef, eventually giving birth to three of his kids. Rumor has that she also rizzle razzled with Mick. no word on if she touched Charlie Watts' sticks or not

Verdictgo: Very Little Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Chéri opens today across the country in limited release, while Hurt Locker and Surveillance (also available on-demand!) hurt it up in NY & LA only

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed...

May You Finally Rest In Peace (w/o kids)

2009-06-25T22:24:00.001-04:00

Peace The
Fork Out 2
Michael Joseph
'Captain EO'
Jackson

1958 - 2009

Praise Juice

2009-06-25T16:43:00.001-04:00

Fatboy Slim
Terminal 5
June 25th

apparently everyone didn't get the memo that Fatboy Slim is still plenty alive and hella fargin awesome, cause there was plenty of leg room on the prancefloor last nite, where we all shook our booties and were in f&cking heaven. his 2 hour set was rawking and rawkus, melding his hot olde anthems (if you need us to name them, then you obviously haven't come a long way baby) with cheesier fair like DJ Kool's 'Let Me Clear My Throat' and House of Pain's 'Jump Around', and making it all sound as fresh as Mrs Fields cookies at the mall. to hell with 1999, cause we were partying like it was 1998!!!

fotos by OviWani

One Fine Peace of A$$

2009-06-25T13:36:00.001-04:00

Peace The
Fork Out 2
Farrah Leni
'Slippery When Wet'
Fawcett

1947 - 2009
FF Playboy July 1997 [NSFW]
FF Celeb Movie Archive [NSFW]
Kelly Ripa FF poster homage

Game, Set, Snatch

2009-06-24T17:38:00.005-04:00

Thighs Wi de fav Daniela Hantuchová is still the hottiest tennis player goings to never win anything major cept being the cause of the most JOs in a span of 24 hours at the Kingdom of Thighland. Sio Bibble set the JOing pace at 12 times per hour. way to go Sio! anywho, we wish her the breast of luck at Wimbledon. and when she's done having a splendor in the grass, we'd love to have a splendor on her grass

DH in SI

perv-iously on Game, Set, Snatch...

Why, Robot?

2009-06-24T00:01:00.008-04:00

Transformers:
Revenge of the Fallen
Fallen From Grace (Whomever She Is)
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Transformers I was a joyful thrill ride that we never wanted to end. Sure, Michael Bay's expen$ive toy chest was dopey, the robot action sequences were cluttered and clunky, and the humans were inhumane, and yet we looked past all the poop, embraced it heavily for what it was, and couldn't wait to sink our teeth into round 2. And after taking in the bigger, longer, way too longer, way way way way way too longer round 2, our thirst has completely evaporated. We've now had our fill of the Autobots and the Decepticons, so no more, please. Really? Yeah, really. Maybe someone should greenlight a GoBots flick and take this roboticism in a whole different direction (we still need to see Asylum's mastercheeses). Roger Ebert's review purty much nails a lotta our thoughts to a cross, but the new movie is a lil bit more fun than he makes it out to not be. Guess he couldn't throw an extra star in juss for the quality Megan Fox ogling. We certainly did

At first, we rolled with the punches, and the punches were punchy, kinda like the Hawaiian Punch guy Punchy. Our old friend Sam (Shia LeBeef, whom we've grown to love, even as Mutt) is headed off to college, saying adieu to Ms Fox, the HJ queen and his radio DJ pal Bumblebee. His parents (Kevin Dunn and Julie White, aka the fun bunch) have mixed emotions, and by the time they leave him be to party down on campus, our emotions begin to get mixed as well. Ya see, the mos enjoyable parts of this Transformer installment revolve around the humans and not the Transformers, and when yer movie's about Transformers and they fail to deliver, let alone titillate (the two new jive talking bots are almos mo racist and a bigger disgrace than the Asian dudes from the new Star Warses), there's something wrong with yer movie. Mad credit to the humans though (minus the military, who needs to be placed in their own movie version of Guantanamo Bay), cause without them (hey, where'd Anthony Anderson's character go?) this would be juss a bucket of bolts. They should spin-off the Witwicky clan into their own franchise, and make them take vacations like the Griswolds, where miss and mr adventures ensues! (Also, let it be know that we love saying the name 'Witwicky' allowed, but we no love saying the name 'Mikaela'... apologies to all the Mikaelas out there)

OK, so a plot should be the least of anyone's concern, but in all honesty, we haven't a clue as to what the frak went on (more like went on AND on AND on). There's like a bad robot in space and in order to resurrect some other ancient evil robot that's been on Earth longer than Joan Rivers they need like a key or something, and Optimus Prime is like part of the key equation, but he gets hurt and is basically down for the count for about a 1/3rd of the time, and so he needs to be resurrected too. Then the action suddenly shifts to the Middle East (including a stop at Petra, where Mutt Williams' dad and granpappy chose Diet Coke wisely), and juss when we thinks the movie's coming to some kinda resolution, it turns into an endless hour long scene at the Pyramids of Giza with our human pals, as Mr Ebert perfectly sums up the repetitiveness, 'running in slo-mo away from explosions'. Explosions are nice, but the forking robots causing them is once again a mish-mash of confusing metal clashing that's not easy on the eyes, even if you were blind. Who are the good guys and who are the bad guys? You can't tell em apart, and by that point in time, who cares, cause guess who's gonna win in the end? Hactually nobody, cept the wallets of those involved in making #2 a polished... #2

More Than Meets The Eye For Talent: if there's one things Michael Bay's a genius at it's puttin on the ritz/teets when it comes to the lizadies in his movies. welcome Aussie Isabel Lucas as the latest to join the Fappin Bay ranks

Family Shy: Bay wanted Leonard Nimoy to provide his voice (again) as a Transformer, but chickened out and decided not to ask him. Nimoy is married to Bay's cousin Susan, and no, she's not as foxy as Megan, or even Michael J for that splatter

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Transmorphers 2 opens today at a theater near jews, muslims, goys, and even the amish

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed...

Peace of Junk Mail

2009-06-23T13:02:00.002-04:00

Peace The
Fork Out 2
Edward Leo Peter
'Heeeeeeee's Goney'
McMahon, Jr

1923 - 2009
minus

salad bar-barian
a Venturer
world's oldest man... who is no longer the world's oldest man
Watergate ham-burglar
dusty pinch-hitting hero of 1954 World Series
brother of band
a Tuskegee Airman
Norse poet
Chris hater
Quick coach
Jacobs fielder
Lady Ali
DDS non-fear monger
exit the Han
he brought it back home for Dylan
oldest cop
Freud's grandson
& vibrating bed magic finger man

You Can Get With Thisor You Can Get With Rachel Dratch

2009-06-23T01:10:00.002-04:00

the adorable girl in the Triumph Visits Bonnaroo piece

is the new girl with a pearl ~~earring~~ necklace

eggcept the new girl [d]

girl you'll be a woman soon

woman you'll be a grill soon

don't be a dragon lady!

lady with the spinning head

spinning lady with the grill will be a woman sooner or later love is gonna getcha eating now & laters, which not so secretly is the bestest candy from later, not now, brown cow, brown bunny, bunny lebowski fest, uncle fester, the molester, chester copperpot, testicles copperballs, NESticle, nestle, my sweet westley, west bevery high fidelity, felicity, felicity and caroline in and out of sex and the city, sunshine city, say it 5 times fast, sunshine city, sunshine city, sunshine city, sunshine city, sunshine city. did you say shitty? sorry to go off on a tangent, as we normally like to go off on a cosine, or is that the job of Governor Jon Corzine?

if anyone knows the girl above and her boutsawhere, please send her in a non self-addressed-stamped-envelope to us at the following address

His Royal Thighness
c/o Small Wonder Fan Club
PO Munch Box 69
Thighland, Thighland 90211

Mona Lisa Riles

2009-06-22T17:17:00.002-04:00

doode, how come none of yous told us about
~~Leighton Meester's sex tape~~

Mona Lisa's NSFWness?

or that Grant Wood's farmer wife gives everyone wood?

Mama Mia Sara

2009-06-22T10:35:00.001-04:00

1nce again from the stream of the wonderful stephhhd

merry belated 42nd birthday Mia Sara

Mia Sara's merry birthday sui t [NSFW]

Mia was once merry married to Sean Connery's son Jason, and now she dizzle dazzles with Jim Henson's son Brian

Jews Your Own Adventure

2009-06-19T12:35:00.002-04:00

Whatever Works
Seriously, Curb Your Enthusiasm
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Woody Allen's European vacation, including the savory Match Point, the sultry Vicky Christina Barcelona, the fun poop Scoop, and the best of the lot, the underloved Cassandra's Dream, was such a rousing success that it made the Griswold's jaunt to the same continent look like a staycation. We hoped the Woodman's sojourn would never end, but all good things come in their pants, we mean an end, and it was only a splatter of time before he returned to his native New York and park his paranoia. The question is, would his next NY-centric film continue on this new creative march, or juss be more of the same lameness that pre-littered his passport stamps, like Melinda and Melinda, Small Time Crooks and anything else that was similar to Anything Else. And the answer is... same lameness

The pairing of Larry David and Allen, for his 40th gig as a writer/director, seemed like a stroke of genius, so how then did the finished product turn out to be such a whiff? Slain and pimple, Whatever Works doesn't really work. It's mildly amusing, but devoid of any real laffs, even if you wait the entire movie in vain for em. The script was supposedly an old one (is that why it feels so dated?) he had written with Zero Mostel in mind, but Mostel died before he could get it in motion, and it's probably for the best, as it leaves the wonderful Front as the two's only cinematic collaboration. David, who's not really an actor, does a fine enuff job as misanthrope Boris Yellnikoff, but the role, basically a more perturbed version of Allen's usual nervous nelly screen persona, doesn't seem to fit into the world that the rest of the movie's characters live in. Them other characters are sunny and delightful, and the actors playing them try their best with what they're given. There's Evan Rachel Wood, basically doing an Amy Adams impression as Boris' southern Lolita belle Melodie St. Ann Celestine, Patricia Clarkson, as Wood's conservative mother turned sexually awakened artist, Ed Begley Jr, as her uptight dad who has his own sexual awakening, and The Tudors' dreamboat Henry Cavill, who tries to steal Melodie away from Boris. Christopher Evan Welch also gets to show his face after playing the part of VCB's narrator. Yet w/o Boris in the picture, the film wouldn't even be mildly amusing, it would be z-musing, as in snoozzzzzzzzzzzzzzze fest '87

So, what happened here? Did Woody loose his resurgent mojo on the flight back to JFK? It's kinda hard to question a man who puts something new out each and every year, even if it doesn't exactly feel new. Spankfuly, for his next joint Woody's going back to the old country, and dragging Kidman, Watts, Brolin, Hopkins and Pinto along with him. We haven't given up completely on his ability to churn out quality NY stories, so for now we'll juss say, cheerio, but be back soon!

Goying With Our Emotions: NY Mag has a nice little article about the dying brand of Jewish humor that Woody and Larry bring to the table, but outside of Heebs, we doubt many people really care. the only thing goys really need to know about Jewish humor (that will never die) is some good ole Yiddish words and terms, so they too can kvetch like the chosen peoples, or at least understand what they've kvetching about. here's 40 words to get ya started, and here's two of the greatestest posters of balls thymes

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Anvil! The Story of Anvil
Til Megadeth Do Us Part
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

There are so many documentaries out there about those who have made it, but what about those who are less fortunate, who haven't quite made it and are forever stuck in obscurity still trying to get to the top? Gawd bless the dreamers, for they give us hope that anything's possible, even when it isn't. That's the story of Canadian trash metal band Anvil, and although Sacha Gervasi(writer of The Terminal and an upcoming Herve Villechaize biopic)'s doc is the story of Anvil (sez so in the title), it's more about the story of Anvil today than the complete history of Anvil. Guess there's more humor and sadness looking at their current state of affairs than dwelling on their past, when fame was in their grasp, but were never able to grab hold of it. The line-up has changed over the years, but the core (Jew) duo of lead singer/guitarist Steve 'Lips' Kudlow and drummer Robb Reiner juss don't know the definition of quitting, even if that's what they probably should have done ages ago. Now that the film has found a nice sized audience, setting the twitterverse a blaze with gushing mentions, and the band has been asked to open for AC/DC on a couple of dates next month, quitting no longer is a viable option. Yet when the attention dies down, will they go right back to shmosville? Anvil is mos def worth a peepers, but if yer looking for bigger dreams and perhaps even more heartbreak, czech out The Devil & Daniel Johnston, Chasing Ghosts and In The Realms of The Unreal (and if yer really hard up, here's a nice list of docs to keep ya busy)

Burn In URL: be sure to czech out Anvil's website, which looks like it was hobbled together by Mennonites from 1807 (we mean that as a complement), which includes hot merchandise and medium rare photos

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Whatever Works is not working today in NY/LA only, while Anvil is hammering it home in select cities across the country

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed...

Wine & Spirits In The Material World

2009-06-19T01:03:00.002-04:00

apparently we've been sitting on a ton o' links for years that we've never warrick dunn shiz wit, so bit by byte, from time to thyme, we'll upchuck some of this updawg shaz collecting dust, and unemployment czechs and poles and hungarians

The Famous SD Chicken photo gallery

The 1954 Milan Indians, aka the real Hoosiers

Eddie Deezen

Miss South Carolina 1987, Nancy Humphries O'Dell

the 1986 Saturday morning cartoon lineups

Kids Incers, Martika and Ryan Lambert sing 'We Built This City' in Mork from Ork unis

Ryan Lambert photos, 1985-88

Elephone, Ryan Lambert's current band

yes, we have a on hard for Ryan Lambert, remem ber?

some 2nd rate Kids Incers jam up the pumps with their version of 'Pump Up The Jam' and are kinda smooth with 'Smooth Criminal' and gay up the gayest SFW 'In Too Deep' mt gayest

Shasta!

Faygo!

dead sodas!

&

Not From The Makers of Transmorphers

2009-06-18T16:51:00.002-04:00

we're late to the party on this one, but how could we resist...

What's Up? the moist blatant movie rip-off since... everything found in the Asylum's catalog, that's what's up, yo! yet it's not Asylum that's behind this downer, but a company called Pixczar or is it Fixar, or maybe Plixar or perhaps Xipar or Raxip?

they're also ripping off the first two words of
L7's klassic kicker 'Pretend That We're Dead'

Too Many Cooks In The Kitsch In

2009-06-18T13:14:00.001-04:00

apparently we missed the first boat on Norman Cook/Fatboy Slim's latest jim, The Brighton Port Authority (The BPA fo short)'s I Think We're Gonna Need A Bigger Boat, which is kinda a shame, considering how huge we used to be into his shiz and stizz, so we've decided to take the second boat. the album sounds a tad like his previous werks, but this one, taking more of a cue from Mark Ronson's funtastic Version album, goes to 11 on the guest vocalists, ranging from Iggy Pop to Jamie T to Martha Wainwright, to one jam about a toe that features both David Byrne & Dizzee Rascal, and has a racy video to boot (or would 'boat' be a better werd to use?). the results may not be as skanking as that that has come before, but it's still a rocker, fella. Fatty & Iggy will be on Letterman on the 22nd, Fallon the next night, and then Norman ditches Iggy and the new persona to kick it over at Terminal 5. we'll be there, probably sweating as much as he does

The House That Ruthlessness Built

2009-06-18T10:27:00.000-04:00

Yankee Stadium II (version 1.0 died in 1973) was a dumphole, juss like Riverfront Stadium or Veterans Stadium or like any other stadium born into the 70s, but Yankee Stadium, with it's own unique ghetto charms, was our dumphole, even to those of us non-native New Yawkers who hate the Yankees more than we hate microwaved tunafish (although not as much as we hate Duke). Out first visit to Yankee Stadium III was bittersweet, as well as sweetbitter. Twas kinda sad to see #II all darkened and boarded up, preparing itself for an eventual demolition, but the sight of a still busy Ball Park Lanes across the street, our pregame spot of choice, mainly for their franztastic snack bar fries, still made us all warm and tingly inside, and that's never a bad thing

Anywho, Yankee Stadium III, we have to admit, is marvelous. It feels like Yankee Stadium II, but less 70s, less ghetto, less dumpholey. It's clean (for now), comfortable, open, and there are TVs everywhere, and when yer buying and noshing from the bevy of eating options (although we didn't try any of them, cause we object to spending a month's salary on frickles), you can hactually watch the game, instead of staring at a wall. Hooray for modernity! There's even a museum that's purty cool, even though there's no Dr Jones, cause he belongs in a museum. There are only 2 things that suck about #III: 1, the Yankees play there, and 2, the Utz ad in the right outfield isn't as large as it used to be, or should be

and oh yeah, the Nats beat the Yankees!!!

Waxie Maxie's

2009-06-17T13:09:00.001-04:00

the art of Erik Johansson + interview

Conan and the house of shoddy wax figures + redux

sounds like Mutt Williams & The Topiary Garden of Wisdumb (aka Indy 5) is a go. booooooooooooo

Lady Liberty reopens her crown to the public starting July 4th. you can now reserve tickets in advance for the pleasure of getting all up in her [NYology]

wacko lady who claims the Zodiac was her stepdad, also claims she's the illegitimate daughter of JFK. rumor has it that she was also Bigfoot's lover, Howard Hughes' manicurist, and the cause of the Chernobyl meltdown

Which A-List Stars Have Never Made a Sequel?

David Bowie & son used to watch a pirated copy of Star Wars on U-matic tapes over and over

the real Battle of the Bulge, from the wonderful newish site Iconic Photos

London's best burgers look like America's wurst

Timerider: The Adventure of Lyle Swann is like Remo Williams meets Daft Punk meets Excitebike meets Back To The Future III meets Lynn Swann meets crap on a stick

'Ardman Vests [pakula shaker]

the right to arm bears [poster's avatar is NSFW, everything else is SFW and bears]

&

stephhhd's photostream via con FFFFOUND!
(which is currently our mos flavorite site nick goings)

The Issue Music

2009-06-16T16:58:00.002-04:00

current pictures of the Washington Coliseum, site of the Beatles' very first American concert

vids of 8 outta the 28 total songs Blur played in their first comeback gig this past Saturday night. these men are far from charmless

justin case you somehow missed this: Creed Bratton from The Office was once Creed Bratton, guitarist for the very popular 60s rockers, The Grass Roots. peep him out in these TV appearances for their klassic hits 'Let's Live For Today' & 'Midnight Confessions' (he's on the left side of the screen in both clips)

an Eartha Kitt starter kitt, including her delicious and not as creepy cover of Donovan's 'Hurdy Gurdy Man' [d] meow!

Classic Records as Penguin Books!

munch on all these versions of Weed's retired theme song 'Little Boxes'

Top 10 Animated Music Videos of All-Time

& 1992ness 2 never forget: Smart E's 'Sesame's Treet'

Carney Art

2009-06-16T00:25:00.001-04:00

Charles Cochran
'Singin' In the Rain'

Kiersten Essenpreis
'After the Fire'

Brandon Bird
'I Am the Night'

Ben Walker
'It's Got Raisins in It'

Lesley Reppeteaux
'Maude's Monologue'

Jeff Ramirez
'VVerzweiflung, Geschmerzt, Kampf, Entsetzt,'

via con Crazy 4 Cult 2 Artwork

& while we're at it, eeuauaughhhuauaahh.ytmnd.com

Philo T Farnsworth Every Second

2009-06-15T12:50:00.001-04:00

FCC You Later
Analog TV Transmission

1928 - 2009
lettuce take a qwik and incomplete revisionist look back at the moist tube-ular moments in analog jammin (not including when the Six Million Dollar Man battled Sasquatch... who was played by André the Giant!)

July 2nd, 1928

station W3XK in Wheaton, MD
emits the US's first broadcast:
a 10 second porn

October 22nd, 1939

John Madden becomes the first color analyst
of a black & white football game
as the Brooklyn 'Football' Dodgers beat
the Philadelphia Eagles 23-14
but the end of the game is cut off
by the TV movie Heidi

July 1st, 1941

'America runs on Bulova time'
becomes the 1st (legal) TV ad to air
but if America had a choice
it woulda chosen the Jhoon Rhee one

November 5th, 1955

Caroline In The City falls for Calvin Klein
who's mad pissed cause
another Honeymooners rerun is on
[big ups to the massive BTTF timeline
all dough that ep actually aired on 12/31]

August 28th, 1963

MLK has a wet dream, or something

November 24th, 1963

The Lee Harvey Oswald Experience debuts
they kill it, but their tour abruptly ends

February 9th, 1964

The Beatles refuse Ed Sullivan's request
to change the title of their hit
'I Want To Hold Your Hand'
to 'I Want You To Hold My Cock'

July 20th, 1969

Man lands on the moon
and Walter Cronkite becomes a lunartic
the film 2001 still doesn't make any sense

sometime in 1969

Elvis' installs 3 TVs into his
Taking Care of Business room at Graceland
so he could simultaneously watch
~~C-SPAN, BET and C-SPAN 2~~
NBC, ABC and CBS
that's even mo genius than
a PB, Banana & Bacon sangwich!

January 3rd, 1972

WGBH logo rox its own electric boogaloo
and turns out to be the bestest of balls thyme

April 2nd, 1974

Robert Opel breaks Cal Ripken's streaking record
at the 46th Academy Awards and prompts
David Niven to make the best use
of the word 'cummings' since ee

April 8th, 1974

two white guys chase
a black guy who juss finished chasing a white guy

September 17, 1978

"Bitching About Stuff with Andy Rooney"
becomes a regular segment of 60 Minutes
(we hope CBS freezes him for future generations)

November 17, 1978

George Lucas rapes peoples' eyes and ears
with his The Star Wars Holiday Special
it turned out to be more of an abortion
than Maude's abortion

November 18th, 1978

drinking Kool-Aid is no longer considered kool or aidful

December 28th, 1984

wrestler David Schultz pummels John Stossel
cause his mustache is so sexy
and he wants a ride
(who doesn't?)

July 1st, 1985

Dire Strait's creepy animated music video
for 'Money For Nothing' first airs
everyone wants their MTV
and now, no one wants their MTV

January 28th, 1986

America's heart explodes
tasteless jokes ensue
we laff at these tasteless jokes
and then say, 'that's not funny'
was 'too soon?' invented on this day?

June 5th, 1989

Tank Man gets in the wrong line
for the Beijing premiere of Tank Girl
at the Tiananmen Square Megaplex 18

January 18th, 1990

Marion Barry allows a bitch to set him up for the last time
becomes the butt of many jokes cracked
[sorry, couldn't find the video]

April 8th, 1990

Twin Peaks pilot scares the crap outta everyone
even more so than the WGBH logo
TV has never been this good, and never will be again

October 3th, 1992

Sinbad O'Connor rips ass & attempts to distract the audience
by ripping a photo of The Pope

June 15th, 1995

OJ replaces Dan Marino as
the spokesperson for Isotoner Gloves

September 11th, 2001

awfulnesss s
+
100 Most Memorable TV Moments, according to TV Guide/Land
Television History - The First 75 Years
a U. S. Television Chronology, 1875-1970
Popular Mechanics articles about TV from 1928 & 1929
timeline of the introduction of television in countries
Photos: A Fond Farewell to Analog Television
rabbit ears aren't history
10 technological facts of TV
long live Remote Control!
& who watches the Watchman?

hat tip to markkrugman for the inspiration, sorta

Ground Beef Control To Colonel Tom Parker

2009-06-12T16:26:00.006-04:00

Moon
A Space Multiplicity Oddity
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Moon is 2001 with a lot more talking, and besides a few video transmissions from Earth, the only voices we hear are Kevin Spacey's, as a monotone robot (big stretch for him), and Sam Rockwell's, and... Sam Rockwell's (a steak sandwich, and a steak sandwich?). You hear Rockwell's twice cause there ends up being two of Sam's character in Duncan Jones' feature debut (we won't explain why there are two cause where's the fun in that?). So lettuce hope yer a big fan of Rockwell, and if you are, yer in for a treat cause as always, he rocks well, but this time twice as rocking... well! Jones is the son of David Bowie, the man who made space travel sound so lonely with his song about Major Tom, and like father, he's made his own desolate space oddity, visually, and visually stunning at that. The sets, costumes, machinery, et al, owe a lot of debt to the original odyssey of 2001, + all of its 70s imitators, and it's this throwback aesthetic that makes Moon stand out from today's other space flicks. The poster even launches higher than most others, so eat it Space Cowboys and Apatow, who will probably make a space 'comedy' starring Ken Jeong about the first disgruntled Asian-American in space. Anywho, Moon's a trip, and spooky and mesmerizing, and kinda a make-up call for the fun, but bumpy ride that was the cinematic version of Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy

Tell Me Wife I Love Her Very Much She Knows: Rockwell's Earth wife is played by cutie pie mcgee and apparently mcelligott Dominique McElligott

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Food, Inc.
There Will Be Beef
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Upton Sinclair's The Jungle was a revelation. Food, Inc is not (neither was the movie version of talking head Eric Schlosser's Fast Food Nation). What, you didn't know that the meat produced in this country is disgusting, from the way they ( 'they' being a handful of companies that 'control' the 'industry') feed the animals, to the way they treat them, to the way they slaughter them, to the way they process the meat, to the way they hire poor immigrant laborers to improperly handle it, to the way they have their hands all up in the pockets of the government (name one industry that doesn't), to the way it finally gets packaged and sent to our grocery stores and restaurants and ultimately into our mouths? It has to get there somehow, doesn't it? Sure it's gross, and of course there are better ways to deliver quality and safe meats, as the movie points out, but to be brutally honest, we don't care. If it aint baroque, don't fix it. We mean, we don't care if 34893294 zillion chickens had to be tortured in order to make fried chicken taste so forkin good. Seriously. Sure, we're in the wrong here, but like with Super Size Me, all the doc did was reinforce our love of the meat that we're already being force-fed. To hell with Apatow, cause we'll eat it ourselves!

2 Die For: this probably needs to be updated a bit (Amy Ruth's > Ms Mamie's Spoonbread), but long live our Places To Eat B4 U Die list, which is loaded with greasy spoon spots that use gross meat. so be it!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Moon opens today in NY/LA only, while Food does the same + eats it in SF as well

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed...

Mac Tonight

2009-06-12T11:28:00.003-04:00

Fleetwood Mac
Madison Square Garden
June 11th

Guitarist Lindsey Buckingham is 59, singer Stevie Nicks and drummer Mick Fleetwood (3rd coolest grampy behind Leonard C & Neil D) are both 61, and bassist John McVie is 63, but they certainly don't look their age (must get the number of their personal trainers, and whomever takes care of their skin), or act their age. Our parents are slightly older, but there wouldn't be a chance in helga that they could rawk out as much or as hard as Fleetwood Mac still does, let alone stay up past 10pm. Wees was kinda reluctant to see them in the first place, see-sawing for years before finally biting the bullet and buying tickets, and after basking in their eternal glow last night, the only question is why did we wait so long to add them to our 'see them before they or we die' list (McCartney's up next)? That questions stings a little harder now knowing that vital member Christine McVie retired juss a few years back... although they still gave big love to her tunes, but sadly, not to our personal flavorite Mac track 'Hold Me'. No matter, as the remaining members brought their A+ game, as 'Tusk' kicked it more than a Tusken Raider and 'Go Your Own Way' had us clapping more than all the people in the world with gonorrhea. We hactually woke up this morning and were still clapping. Our non-stop thinking had nothing to do with tomorrow, and was all about last night. Btw, the Clintons totally ruined that song. Btw, Carrie Fisher totally looks like Stevie Nicks, but unfortch she hasn't aged as gracefully. And btw, Mick Fleetwood totally ruled the school in The Running Man

btw 4, Mac Tonight totally waz the bestest 80s McDonalds mascot

Found In Translation

2009-06-11T00:01:00.003-04:00

Tetro
American Zoetrope Beauty
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

A ship docks in Buenos Aires and a young man decked out in a crisp white uniform disembarks and walks amongst the dark shadows of the city's streets. He doesn't speak the language. Holds no currency. He is a foreign man. ~~He is surrounded by the sound~~. Don't call him Al, call him Bennie (fresh, yet classic faced Alden Ehrenreich... more on him below), and whatever you do, don't call Bennie's long lost and now found brother anything but Tetro (a marvelously grumpy Vincent Gallo). Tetro isn't so happy to see his brother and he's in no real huge hurry to describe eggzactly why, other than the obvious fact that he wants nothing to do with his family, and in particular, their manipulative, impossible to please composer patriarch (Klaus Maria Brandauer, this time without an arcade filled with Centipede). While gloom and doom are the way of Tetro's walk, there's sunshine emitting from everyone else, from his girlfriend (the radiant Y tu mama Maribel Verdú) and his bohemian pals (including Motorcycle Diaries' energetic Rodrigo De la Serna and Almodóvar muse Carmen Maura... her part was originally suppose to be played by Almodóvar's male muse, Javier Bardem), and the impressionable Bennie soaks it all up, maturing with every ray. This is juss the base of the cake, and the rest of the story is theatrical icing that's too sweet and luscious to divulge, or to pass up on

Did we mention that this is Francis Ford Coppola's first original screenplay since 1974's The Conversation, his second ever black & white feature (with splashes of color, and also about sibling rivalry) after Rumble Fish, and is easily beeslyily his finest work since ~~The Rainmaker Jack Captain EO~~ (double dare we say) Apocalypse Now? That's wright folks, Coppola is EFFIN and TREFFEFFELIN back yo [note: we didn't see his richard prior, Youth Without Youth], and finally pulling the spotlight away from his over-lauded daughter. Sum of you will disagree (the critics are already mixed) and find Tetro to be boring, pretentious, superfluous, or all three (even we felt a bit of each at times), but you cannot deny the effort and passion that he poured onto this gorgeous canvas, to make a more personal piece of work that's an absolute treasure. It's perhaps the greatestest student film ever made, which happens to be made by a true student of film. George Lucas has talked a good game about making flicks juss like this, but at this point in time he's probably incapable of doing so (he may be 'independent', but he's far from being an independent filmmaker). Coppola no longer has to prove anything to anyone (that's the kinda carte blanche that The Godfathers give ya, even with all the crap he's churned out beyond the mid-80s), yet like the subtitle of Lucas' Episode IV, Tetro is putting on display a new hope. The force is strong with this one, and we certainly hope that Coppola's empire keeps striking back

Mazel Toast: this hottie space is usually guy free, but why would we want to be free of this guy? Alden Ehrenreich looks like DiCaprio and Tom Brady's lovechild, talks like Matt Damon, acts like he's cooler than Chris Cooley, and is 100% awesome. if you need an eggcuse to see Tetro, he's it. Alden's discovery as an actor is the stuff of Hollywood urban legend (ala Lana Turner). supposedly he appeared in a home movie that played at a Bat Mitzvah that happened to be attended by none other than Steven Spielberg, who was so taken by the heartthrob's performance that he got em a screen test with the DreamWorks casting peeps. the rest, as they sorta say, is history... in the making

bi the gay, is this really his voice on Mazel Tov Cocktail? sadly it's NOT the starmaking Bat Mitzvah vid, which we would die and thigh to see

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Tetro opens today in NY/LA only, and elsewhere, elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed...

Imogene Coca Puffs

2009-06-10T14:58:00.002-04:00

Crayola, old school to new school

Zack Morris reveals all about Zack Morris on Fallon [9-Vult]

Todd Barry's Receipt Museum [Cover Art Messiah]

Robots in disguise [OviWani]

Bog's collection of unscratched lotto tickets impresses no one

THAT'S A OUT FLAT LIE, so no discussion necessary

this may be a trap [Shumster]

& we wish they all could be California Beach Feet

or maybe not!