Thighs Wide Shut

Massive Atack!

2010-02-09T00:01:00.006-05:00

The British Invasion's latest import, The Inbetweeners, has gotten us all bitten and instantly smitten (and how could it not, as it hails from the same channel that birthed flavs Skins & Misfits), and after peepin episode 4 of season 1, we want to put our paws all over this kitten

Emily Atack!

the (b)re(a)st hear [sadly SFW]

+ for no reason: Jedward featuring Vanilla Ice 'Under Pressure (Ice Ice Baby)'

Precious: Based On The New Orleans Saints Super Bowl Push by Drew Brees & Co.

2010-02-08T09:55:00.002-05:00

Drew Brees' DJ son Baylen

Alan Smithee & Besson

2010-02-05T13:35:00.005-05:00

From Paris with Love
Chumps-É-lazy
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Oh French film industry, what hath become of you? You used to fill our art house screens with precious lil ditties about life and love, straight from the deft Cahiers du cinéma critics turned filmmakers, and their proteges that followed in their footsteps, but now it seems like them notebooks are being written by a bunch of barbarians and neanderthals that keep on invading our multiplexes year after year! Oh the nerve! Oh the gall of Gaul! We blame (yet still love) Luc Besson for all this nutty shoot-em-up nonsense. His still vibrant (Le Femme) Nikita kicked off the madness, Léon: (The Professional) was the heartfelt caketopper (and unforgettable introduction to Natalie Portman), and from there the genre tumbled downhill, with Besson throwing around story 'ideas' to every Tom, Dick, and Harry who wanted to replicate his brief critical and commercial success. Now it's nothing but excess, and there's no excuse for that, or eggcuses for 19 Transporters, Taxis, Banlieue 13ses and a bunch of other turkeys

Besson's latest 'idea' has been handed off to director Pierre Morel, the dude who he teamed up with for last year's semi-broke the moldy-mold Taken, but lightening doesn't strike twice with their From Paris With Love. The crummy by the boo(k)s dialog (no thank you Adi Hasak) certainly doesn't help to elevate the loosey goosey plotting, and neither does hiring John Travolta as the head-shaved, goatee-ed prick of a CIA agent Charlie Wax (think Colin Farrell's Bullseye from Daredevil, but not nearly as comically horrific). We suppose he was given that name only so they could drop a 'wax on, wax off' joke, which they wrongfully do, and as you can imagine, it falls flatter than the fella who gets steamrolled in Austin Powers. Later that line gets redeemed, with the pseudo-creative reuse of a signature Travolta line that features the French name of a certain McDonalds hamburger. We chuckled aloud, and almos were ashamed for doing so. Even mo shameful, despite all the poo-pooed-edness of this generic flick, including a crummy American accent spoken by the tiny Jonathan Rhys Meyers, we didn't hate it. We'll always have Paris, even if this Paris has not much to it

FantKasia : we totally wanna kasia smutniak JRM's screen honey Kasia NSFW Smutniak!!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinking Badges

Still Bill
Withers Blooms
Official Website & Trailer & Mo

You know who Bill Withers be? On name alone, probably not, but yer ears do, as he's the man behind such beyond classics as 'Lean On Me', 'Aint No Sunshine' and 'Just The Two of Us', juss to name a few mellow grooves he's gifted us with. Oh yeah, that guy, right? So what is his story and whatever became of him? The sunny and soulful doc Still Bill, by Damani Baker and Alex Vlack, fills in the gaps, from his humble West Virgina upbringing as a shy stuttering kid, to his landing on the music scene and the unwanted superstardom that came along with it, to his eventual complete withdraw from the limelight so he devote more time to his loved one. As a viewer, and fan of his music, we keep asking, why and how could he leave us behind? By the end, he's starting to ask himself the very same questions. Here's hoping that the answer leads him back on the road again

Screen But Not Heard: there are numerous screenings of the film all over the map, and if you don't see one in yer area, you can host yer own!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Paris doesn't triomphe today at a theater near jews, while Still Bill continues only in NY, or at a screening soon to be near jews (see above). also, we LOVED Fish Tank, and you can too, in the comfort of yer own home, spanks to IFC on-demand!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed...

A thru Z Dorable II

2010-02-05T00:50:00.000-05:00

youngins that look like
Campbell Soup Kids = rules!

Tobias Zarius photography

A thru Z Dorable I

Thighs Wide Movies 2009

2010-02-03T15:51:00.010-05:00

we saw 150ish flicks in the '09
(down from 190ish last year)
and you probably didn't
but we still luvs youes!

The Barely Legal Eighteensies

1) Hurt Locker - HURTs so good. LOCKERs even gooderer!!!!

2) Skin - this little seen/known true story got under our SKIN and you should let it do the same to yours!

3) Das Weisse Band (The White Ribbon) - the kids aint alright, and neither are their parents and neither are you if you pass on this!!

4) Il Divo - the devil is in the details and the devil is in the detailed Il Divo. whip it mmm mmm gooooood!

5) Tetro - Sofia Coppola who?

6) Avatar - who didn't want to munch on Pandora's box? or punch Joel Moore in the face?

7) A Serious Man - 'the finesestest Jewish-oriented (non-Holocaust) film since The Ten Commandments. Eat yer farts out Woody Allen and Neil Simon!'

8) Fantastic Mr Fox - Wes is more! Fooba Wooba John!

9) District 9 - fittingly #9 on our list, but Neill Blomkamp & Sharlto Copley's names tie for #1!!!

10) Somers Town - may the Shane Meadows grazing never end!!

11) Goodbye Solo - hello humanity!

12) Capitalism: A Love Story - Fatman returns!

13) The Road - paths of unglory!

14) Up - nobody makes a perfect first 1/3rd of a movie, and a whatevs for the other 2/3rds quite like Pixar did does!

15) Watchmen - don't believe the pre-release hype, but do believe the post-release fact that it matched the graphic novel pourfectly!

16) The Messenger - Cheers meets Six Feet Under... not really!

17) Not Quite Hollywood: The Wild, Untold Story of Ozploitation! - the women glowed, the men plundered!

18) Broken Embraces - Almodóvar = film caviar!

Honor Blackmanable Mentions

The Blind Side, Brothers, Brüno, The Cove, Donkey Punch, Drag Me To Hell, GI Joe: Rise of Cobra, Guest of Cindy Sherman, In The Loop, Inglourious Basterds, Lymelife, Sugar, Surveillance, Two Lovers, Tyson & Where The Wild Things Are

6thishendith Anal
Thighs Wide
Movie Awards

The Death to Smoochy
Worstest Pictures
of the Year

Antichrist
Pandorum
~~The Boat That Rocked~~
Pirate Radio
& Push

The Gus van Sant
Most(ly) Pretentious
Most Overhyped
Guy Flies In Plane
Guy Lands On Ground
Guy Does Nuttin Really
Cept Meets Pilot That Look
Like Sam Elliot
Movie
For No Reason

Up In The Air

The Bare Un-Necessities/
Coulda Been A Contender

Nine
Invictus
Bronson
The Informers
Whatever Works
New York, I Love You
The Invention of Lying
&
4 Fast, 4 Furious

Trailers Worth Tractoring

The Informers, A Serious Man, Tetro, Where The Wild Things Are
A Single Man, 500 Days of Summer, 2012, District 9
& Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans
and the wurst: Spinning Into Butter

Post Her
Post We
Post Haste!

& the wurstest ones

The Inland Empire
Shot On Digital Video
Film That Struck Out
Cause It Looked Like
Udder F$%king Sh@t!!

Public Enemies

Accent That Needed To Be
Axed & Sent Directly To Jail/Hell

Paul Schneider's Scottish 'accent' in Bright Star
runner up down: Matt Damon in Invictus

The Samuel L Jackson
Never Met A Script
He Didn't Like
Guy of The Year

That Guy
aka Michael Berryman
who appeared in 10ish movies
even though the Mac kid had ELEVEN credited roles in the '009

The Nice Try Lao Che Guevaraer

Food, Inc.
for not even remotely changing our minds
about eating yummy yet crappy yet yummy
ghetto meats made in America!

Flamingest Use of
An Angora Sweater
Since Ed Wood

Nicholas Hoult in A Single Man

Jizz Shots
Heard Round The World
That Weren't Caused By Amber

Malin Akerman and her super-curvy NSFW a$$
in Watchmen

Bestest Flix
We Netted

Always Bet On These Lil
Shirley Temple Black
(& White) Children

Chibundu Orukwowu & Chigozie Orukwowu
Edie Martin
Max Records
Bailee Madison
Ryan Simpkins
Ella Ramangwane
Isabelle Fuhrman

Least Bangable Scary Lady
Since The Ancient Booer

the ole hag from Drag Me To Hell

Songs That Execute Butter
Than Norman Mailer's Bong

'Freedom Fighters' in the Star Trek trailer
'Somebody To Love' in A Serious Man [d]
'Heroes & Villains' in Fantastic Fox [d]
'Heartbeats (Rex the Dog Remix)' in Donkey Punch [d]
'All Is Love' in Where The Wild Things Are [d]
anything by Anvil
&
'Ass 2 Ass' with you [empee3] in Skins
(even dough Skins isn't a movie
but we forgot to include that tune
in our TV or Music of 2009 wrap ups)

Unintentional Porn
To Be Wild Titles

April Showers
The Box
Crank 2
~~Donkey Punch~~
Eleven Minutes
Everlasting Moments
Five Minutes of Heaven
Gentlemen Broncos
Gigantic
~~The Girlfriend Experience~~
The Horse Boy
~~Humpday~~
I Can Do Bad
It Might Get Loud
The Lovely Bones
Not Easily Broken
The Princess and The Frog
Push
The September Issue
Spread
Sunshine Cleaning
Tickling Leo
Where The Wild Things Are
Whip It
Yoo Hoo Mrs. Goldberg

Fenella Woolgar
Bestest Names Award

Uzimann
Jon Eyez
Jadagrace
Victoria Stankiewicz
& Poo Poo Productions

9 Things Not Covered
In Nine, 9 or District 9

500 Zooey Deschanels
the first GI Joe tango in Paris
the Uzi spraying at the fake Gugg in The International
the plain jane-ness of Olivia Wilde's writer/director parents
Frank Langella's 3/4ths face making more cents
than the rest of what went on in The Box
the road of The Road
Almodóvar's meet & Magritte
Matt Damon in Eddie Murphy white face
& we'll have whatever Nic Cage was having in Bad Lt

Welcome To The House, Dolls

Naturi Naughton

Notorious

Jaime Winstone

+ the other 2 fit women of Donkey Punch

Tracey Heggins

Medicine For Melancholy

Holly Valance

Taken

Jocelin Donahue

He's Just Not That Into You + The House of The Devil

Julianna Guill
Danielle Panabaker
& Willa Ford

Friday the 13th

李小璐
aka Li Xiao Lu
aka Jacqueline Li
aka Lu Lu

Push

Brooke Nevin

Sherman's Way

Margarita Levieva

Adventureland

Ellary Porterfield

Sugar

Nora Arnezeder

Paris 36 (Faubourg 36)

Gal Gadot

4 Fast 4 Furious

Collette Wolfe

Observe and Report

Nicole Beharie

American Violet

Zoe Saldana

Star Trek & Avatar

Rachel Nichols

Star Trek & GI Joe: Rise of Cobra

Jessica Mas

Rudo y Cursi

Amber Heard

The Informers

Cameron Goodman

The Informers

Kimberley Nixon

Easy Virtue

Carmen Ejogo

Away We Go

Dominique McElligott

Moon

Isabel Lucas

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Minka Kelly

(500) Days of Summer

Katheryn Winnick

Cold Souls

Léa Seydoux

Inglourious Basterds

Jennifer Merrill

Taking Woodstock

Krista Allen

The Final Destinastion (3-D)

Paula Patton

Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire

Beatrice Rosen

2012

Lily Collins

The Blind Side

Keri Lynn Pratt

A Single Man

Jenna Gavigan

A Single Man

Leonie Benesch

A Single Man

Alden Ehrenreich

Tetro

Sasha Grey

The Gross Experience

&

Alexandre & Philippe Haussmann

2012

Movies To Look
For In The '010

Ben-Hymn
Motel For Frogs
First House On The Right
Landland, starring Jesse Eisenberg
We Hate You I Love You Beth Cooper
The Year of Living Johnny Dangerously
Unnecessary Musical Released In December
Untitled Generic Christmas Movie
The Men Who Stare At Goatees
9 Fast, 9 Furious
lookin for a second opinion?
papa Thigh Master weighs in!

Daddy's Long Legs
& His 13teenies

1. Hurt Locker
2. Avatar
3. Good Hair
4. An Education
5. Okuribito (Departures)
6. Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire
7. Etz Limon (The Lemon Tree)
8. L'heure d'été (Summer Hours)
9. Captain Abu Raed
10. Goodbye Solo
11. Adam
12. Away We Go
13. Everybody's Fine
don't forget to peep out our
'08, '07, '06, '05, '04, '03, and '02 awards!!

until next thyme the balcony is clothed...

Oscar Hammerstein II Soul

2010-02-02T10:07:00.003-05:00

every year we instantly pick the Academy Award winners
and every day we pick axe

Best Picture

Avatar
The Blind Side
District 9
An Education
The Hurt Locker
Inglourious Basterds
Precious: Yada Yada Yada
A Serious Man
Up
Up In The Air

WINNER: half of these don't even really deserve the honor of being nominated, making 10 total a total waste, but lettuce hope (and we think) moving magic (The Hurt Locker) will slightly edge out movie magic (Avatar) in a sirprize for the ages!

Actor

Jeff Bridges, Crazy Heart
George Clooney, Up in the Air
Colin Firth, A Single Man
Morgan Freeman, Invictus
Jeremy Renner, The Hurt Locker

WINNER: Renner is mos deserving, but he always plays a dick and although everyone in Hollywood loves dick, they also love Jeff Bridges to everywhere, instead of bridges to nowhere. plus it may give Beau Bridges more chances at working, and what's so wrong wit that?

Actress

Sandra Bullock, The Blind Side
Helen Mirren, The Last Station
Carey Mulligan, An Education
Gabourey Sidibe, Precious: Gabba Gabba Banta Podu
Meryl Streep, Julie & Julia

WINNER: strong picks across the board, and yes, that includes sassy-ass-mcgeed Bullock and her work in the B-side, but don't think that anyone will be able to stop the clean Streep from mcnabbing her first statuette since 1983!!

Supporting Actor

Matt Damon, Invictus
Woody Harrelson, The Messenger
Christopher Plummer, The Last Station
Stanley Tucci, The Lovely Bones
Christoph Waltz, Inglourious Basterds

WINNER: Tucci and his comb-over are the stuff of nightly nightmares and Oscar dreams, yet this will be a first for and probably a last Waltz

Supporting Actress

Penélope Cruz, Nine
Vera Farmiga, Up in the Air
Maggie Gyllenhaal, Crazy Heart
Anna Kendrick, Up in the Air
Mo'Nique, Precious: Mecious Lecious Crecious

WINNER: Mo'Nique, cause we deserve more one name winners, ala Cher

Director

Kathryn Bigelow, The Hurt Locker
James Cameron, Avatar
Lee Daniels, Precious
Jason Reitman, Up in the Air
Quentin Tarantino, Inglourious Basterds

WINNER: once again, a battle of Pandora vs Iraq, but the DGA winner is usually the winner here, so be sure to bet more than a deuce on Bigelow

Foreign Film

Ajami (Israel)
El secreto de sus ojos (Argentina)
The Milk of Sorrow (Peru)
Un Prophète (France)
Das Weisse Band/The White Ribbon (Germany)

WINNER: a nice day for a White... Ribbon!!!

Adapted Screenplay

Up in the Air
Precious: Ness Ness Ness
An Education
District 9
In the Loop

WINNER: Up In The Air has to win something, although it shouldn't, so we're gonna pick In The Loop cause it rhymes with poop, which it's far from/flung

Original Screenplay

Inglourious Basterds
The Hurt Locker
A Serious Man
Up
The Messenger

WINNER: Harvey Weinstein will sell his weight in gold to get Basterds it's own gold

Animated Feature Film

Coraline
Fantastic Mr. Fox
The Princess and the Frog
The Secret of Kells
Up

WINNER: what the kells is The Secret of Kells? Fox is foxier than Up, but this is always a popularity contest (unless a Miyazaki film is involved), so take one fargin guess who wins

Art Direction

Avatar
The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus
Nine
Sherlock Holmes
The Youg Victoria

WINNER: get Avatared!

Cinematography

Avatar
Harry Potter Gets Pubes
The Hurt Locker
Inglourious Basterds
The White Ribbon

WINNER: Ribbon, for her pleasure

Costume

Bright Star
Coco Before Chanel
The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus
Nine
The Young Victoria

WINNER: period pieces rule this harder than a ruler measuring our cocks, so it cums down to Star and Vicky, wit Star shining brighter cause its period is an exclamation point!

Documentary Feature

Burma VJ
The Cove
Food, Inc.
Which Way Home

WINNER: mo like Food, Stinks! Please dear lord, let The Cove win, cause dolphin meat is a bigger problem than how delicious McDonalds is

Documentary (short subject)

China's Unnatural Disaster: The Tears of Sichuan Province
The Last Campaign of Governor Booth Gardner
The Last Truck: Closing of a GM Plant
Music by Prudence
Rabbit à la Berlin

WINNER: everyone loves a good disaster, and while our hearts go out to those commies, nuttin hits home like the Closing of a GM Plant! did Michael Moore direct that?

Film Editing

Avatar
District 9
The Hurt Locker
Inglourious Basterds

WINNER: this Avatar vs Locker vs Basterds in a ton of races is tuff tomatoes, so tie goes to none of the above, District 9!

Makeup

Il Divo
Star Trek
The Young Victoria

WINNER: don't recall that much makeup in Vicky or anything beyond pointy ears and foreheads in Trek, and since Il Divo got ill ex-communicated for not getting a Foreign Language nom, it's makeup award will be a makeup call

Original Score

Avatar
Fantastic Mr Fox
The Hurt Locker
Sherlock Holmes
Up

WINNER: ooooo, they so James Hornery for Avatar

Original Song

"Almost There", Randy Newman, The Princess and the Frog
"Down in New Orleans", Randy Newman, The Princess and the Frog
"Loin de Paname", Reinhardt Wagner and Frank Thomas, Paris 36
"Take It All", Maury Yeston, Nine
"Weary Kind", Ryan Bingham and T Bone Burnett, Crazy Heart

WINNER: the lovely T Bone in steak sizzles!

Animated Short Film

French Roast
Granny O'Grimm's Sleeping Beauty
The Lady and the Reaper (La Dama y la Muerte)
Logorama
A Matter of Loaf and Death

WINNER: Logorama > Mola Ram

Live Action Short Film

The Door
Instead of Abracadabra
Kavi
Miracle Fish
The New Tenants

WINNER: Door about Chernobyl, Kavi about slave labor. take yer pick. as of now, we'll pick Kavi, cause it sounds almos like Navi, the mos terrible bowler we know!

Sound Mixing

Avatar
The Hurt Locker
Inglourious Basterds
Star Trek
Up

WINNER: Davy Jones' Locker

Sound Editing

Avatar
The Hurt Locker
Inglourious Basterds
Star Trek
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

WINNER: Avodart

Visual Effects

Avatar
District 9
Star Trek

WINNER: amazin what 9 did on such a small budget, but tits the big budgets that always win here, so Avodart againnn

Thighs' Annual Oscar Pool details 5thcoming, as well as our shlong overdue 2009 movie awards, so stay pooned!!!

Here were our early picks in the '05 & the '06 & the '07 & the '08 & the '09

Granpappy's Slaphappy JO Matz

2010-02-01T14:35:00.004-05:00

nekkid famous chicks of today? aint a thang
nekkid famous chicks of yesteryear? scandalous AND delicious!

spank you Joan Blondell
you Gold Digger of 1933 you
for being all shaven NSFW

we'd pet her in the park!!

old classic SFW movies like Diggers can be and should be seen at the Loew's in Jersey City

Inglorious Jewhater

2010-01-29T11:43:00.007-05:00

Edge of Darkness
Mel Hath Much Fury
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Welcome back Mel Gibson! And we really do mean that, since yer on-screen exploits are far more entertaining and applaudable than yer off-screen ones (seriously Mel, what's up with being so open and outward with hating the hand that feeds you?). Has it really been 8 years since you were the lead in a movie? In Martin Campbell's big screen take on his own 1985 TV mini series, he certainly shows no sign of rust. Guess he doesn't share in his old partner Roger Murtaugh's words of wisdom: I'm too old for this shit! It's unfortunate then that the movie itself could use a WD-40 spray down. It's a Death Wish political thriller, that we wish had more thrills, better politics and tons mo carnage than it ended up wit. That didn't stop the audience we were surrounded by from being udderly pleased as punch at seeing Mr G back in action, as they cheered hard when he got mad as Mel! Ya know what, we kinda did too, but den again, wees quickly grew tired of the forgone conclusion that his character would hunt down all those responsible (including a smarmy as usual Danny Huston) for the death of his daughter (the cute-a-cool Bojana Novakovic... see below) before the credits roll. Guess what happens? Give you a hint, he goes a bit over the edge of darkness!!! Lettuce hope that his next project has a lil bit mo edge to it

Bo'Nique: we stillz gots a on hard for Mellie Mel's screen daughter Bojana Novakovic, and spanks to the film's pre-mear, we have mo pics of Bojana to drool over!!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinking Badges

Darkness be flickering today at a theater near jews and jewhaters

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed...

Swedish Blueballs

2010-01-28T11:18:00.000-05:00

the impossibly beautiful Chace Crawford is supposedly tapping Malin Åkerman's equally adorable sistah Jennifer

so, is it true? well, we found this on Jen's Swedish language tinged blog, which roughly translates (and doesn't really clear anything up) to:

Rumor Has It ..

I love it when readers write funny comments or questions. But this must surely be the sickest, ever: 'Okay so I am practicing and checking out E-news. It will publish news on Chace Crawford and says he is dating someone, okay okay I thought. Then I tell them he is dating malin go man or yes Aker's sister Jennifer and produce a comforters for you and your sister when you are on, which I think is a Golden Globe Award gala. Now it's only an hour left to E-news broadcast with you, I think, or it was the Daley 10 will not remember. but my question is this Really?!'

really? huh?

or is she being tappered john MDed by Mickey Rourke??

or them d-bags from Entourage?

can we be the ones supposedly be tapping that? or perhaps juss good ole Malin? can we at least switch seats with gettin his jollies on St Nick?

and who's tapping-z Malin & Jen's other sister Mikaela Åkerman?

and are there any other hottie Åkermans running about that we want a craÅckerman at?

Oblogatory India Reynolds Is Nekkid Posting

2010-01-27T00:31:00.004-05:00

India Reynolds in March's Loaded [NSFW]

+ Lucy Pinder 'uncensored'? [NSFW]

+ Carey Mulligan's da was delivered by Paul McCartney's mum?

+ Prescott twins to never work together again?

+ Hitchcock's unseen/unfinished Holocaust documentary

+ Grace Coddington, pre-Emperor Palpatine era

+ Cameron L Jackson?

To Chav & Chav Not

2010-01-26T11:01:00.007-05:00

Fish Tank
Hope Sinks
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

It's not often that a movie comes along that wows the pants off of us, and Andrea Arnold's second feature, Fish Tank, not only did juss that, but has continued to do so, even mo so, days after our initial, and what will probably be multiple viewings of this brilliant brilliant film (guess we gotta see her first flick, Red Road, STAT). Arnold's hand-held, freewheeling look at a raw nerved teen stuck in nowheresville England, looking for any kind of connection, is a pure revelation, and most of its success can be credited to the novice actress at the center of it all, Katie Jarvis

A star has instantly been born, kinda like with Carey Mulligan in the similarly themed An Education, cept Mulls is a trained actor and been rising thru the ranks for years. As for the untrained Jarvis, she was famously discovered by Tank's casting agent when she overheard yelling at her boyfriend on a train platform. The rest is not herstory, as it will be interesting to see where this diamond in the rough goes from here. Even if she doesn't reach any higher than this (we're hoping that that's not the case), this would still be considered quite the one-hit wonder

Jarvis mind-blowingly plays the temper-a-mental Mia, a 15 year old struggling to fit in at home and in the gruff world outside of it. Her whorish mother (Kierston Wareing) and annoying sister (Rebecca Griffiths) are no help, but when a man (Michael Fassbender, a fass rising star in his own right) enters the picture and her mum's vag, everything changes, and not necessarily for the better. He seems to be the only one to get a positive rise out of Mia, and the more he sticks around, the mo their own relationship deepens, pushing things toward a messy-ickyville territory, and then things go in a whole different direction and then it all ends with Mia graduating with her own 'an education'. You knows we love Mulligan, but gotta say that Jarvis is more deserving of being the prized pupil and head of the class, even if that class is a lower one, one that's like school on Saturday, no class at all

Tank Girl: JARVIS! JARVIS!!!! we hearts you like mad, even if yer teeths be crooked, and yous may not be as cutie pie mcgeed as Mulligan (here's a pic of the two together!), but who cares cause Sean Connery totes wanted to touch yer fingers and he's lord, and Marcus Brody once got lost in his own museum and then ZARDOZ!!

fo further reading, further read this int with KJ

Verdictgo: Breast In Show!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tank is currently bubbling up in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed...

Ragin' Saint Nic Cajuns

2010-01-25T11:03:00.003-05:00

wees (s)aint no bandwagoner (well, cept for that crazy run of Ickey Woods, his shuffle and the Bengals to Super Bowl XXIII), since we bleed & pee burgundy & gold, but have to say we'll be pulling hard (that's what she said?) for the N'awlins Saints come Super Bowl Sunday. why might you ask? well, we're a card carrying Who Dat! member since 1991! plus who really wants to root for the Colts, besides white people from Indiana?

long live Morty Anderson, Bobby Hebert, Craig 'Ironhead' Heyward. the greatest set of 4 linebackers ever, Rickey Jackson, Sam Mills, Vaughn Johnson and Pat Swilling!!!, and of course ranty runty coach Jim 'Diddly Poo' Mora!!!!!

A Darwin/Lose or Draw Situation

2010-01-22T14:57:00.007-05:00

Creation
Missed Conception
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Can't figure out what's more baffling, the fact that there really hasn't been a film made to this point on how Charles Darwin came to pen his game changing book On The Origin of Species or that when one finally came to the surface it would deal a lot mo with his family's health and soul issues than a bunch of turtles on the Galapagos Isles (i.e. what we assume mos peoples would rather see). The regal Beagle ship and said adventure do make a few brief bon voyages in Jon Amiel's cinematic adaptation of Darwin's great-great-grandson's bio on him, but as the title of said bookie-book suggests, there was more to Darwin's life and work than observing and reporting in nature, as he apparently did a lot of observing and reporting in an environment closer to home... namely in his home!

Paul Bettany plays Darwin, and while he pours his usual intelligent demeanor and passion into the un-intelligently designed (get it?) role, apparently someone didn't put enuff passion into making Darwin's receding hair look quite right on Bettany's noggin. That's hactually juss one of numerous misfires that keeps Creation from breathing life into this creation tale about the creation of a book about creation!!! One big ole obstacle in Darwin's life, and in turn in the movie, is his deeply devout wife (played rather unconvincingly here by Bettany's own wife Jennifer Connelly). She cannot eggcept the path his work is taking him down, herspecially in regards to their faith and that's the Catch-23 CD is stuck in. Quite the conundrum, yet we didn't personally care about these personal conflicting conflicts that conflicted Darwin. Add to all that an endless haunting by his deceased daughter (a toothy Martha West... btw, don't you hate it when reviewers use the word 'toothy' to describe an acting performance when all it really means is that the actor's teeth stick out more than mos other peoples do????) + Darwin's own battles with swine and wine flu and you've got one creepy and ad nauseum nauseous family drama that would excel elsewhere if it were not a story about Charles Darwin and his book to end all other books of Eli!!! We want more turtles!!! Nature, not nurture!!!

You Filthy Old Soomka: Darwin totally loved himself some tits & ass. the word 'ass' appears 6 times in his On The Origin of Species, while 'breast' gets love times 5

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinking Badges

Creation slightly devolves in limited release starting today, where jeepers worth a peepers Soundtrack For A Revolution sings along

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed...

Brande, Snifft Her

2010-01-22T00:05:00.002-05:00

we say boo to Brande Roderick minus virginity plus giant belly

we say BR's boobs plus grapes equals mass times turbation

NSFW

we say Nytol plus you equals Zzzzzzzzs

we say Tron Legacy plus Daft Punk equals A plusplusplus!!!!

Serge Protector

2010-01-21T12:05:00.002-05:00

Charlotte Gainsbourg
The Bell House
January 20th

Was this really Serge Gainsbourg's daughter's second concert performance EVER???? It certainly showed at times, with her trademark shyness in play, but she'd also gain confidence along the way and let her lovely quiet voice float high above the juxtaposed hard rhythms her temporary back-up band banged out. Most of what was heard came from her Beck aided 3rd album, IRM, and while Beck wasn't on hand, and would have probably been a distraction had he been, you could feel his presence in the air. Charlotte's tiny loud music may not be destined to rawk stadiums around the world, and so this smaller venue was a wise choice, as it perfectly suited her stylings, although we kinda wish we were seated the entire time. We wish for a lot of things, such as wishing we could remove the image ingrained on our brain of CG cutting her vagina to kibbles and bits in LVT's Antichrist. Gross!!!!!!!!!!!! And as a minused boo-nus, here she is in Antichrist NSFW fingerbanging herself like there was no tomorrow. So not hawt!!!

Pachyderms of Endearment

2010-01-20T16:21:00.001-05:00

Coney Island's Elephantine Colossus

opened in 1885 as a 122 feet high, 7 floored, 31 roomed hotel, before it quickly lost all of its wonder & luster and become a boarding house and later, a brothel. it burned to the ground in 1896. she was and still is survived by her older southern Jersey sister Lucy

Irish Roverboard

2010-01-20T10:18:00.002-05:00

The Swell Season
Radio City Music Hall
January 19th

The Swell Season were Glen Hansard and Markéta Irglová, you know, them star crossed busking lovers from Once. Yep, that's 'were', not 'are' cause they aint no longers a duo only (also, they're no longer an item). Hansard is also a part of band called The Frames and while he was off gettin famous with the quiet Czech girl, the rest of his ye olde band were sitting back in Ireland gettin filled with ire, and so Glennie incorporated the group into the Swell Season so they can join in on the riches and stop bitchings, or whatevs, but it doesn't really matter who's apart of the SS (damn Nazis!) cause this is Hansard's show alone, and everyone else be merely puppets in his play of unexpected stardom. And while he and she (and them) are humble pie about the magnitude of going from zeroes to heroes, Glen also basks in his own glory, maybe juss a wee bit too much (his storytelling also carries on a weeeee bit too much). Not to say that he can't, cause the dude is sortanlee gifted and talented (their/his follow-up Strict Joy is a... strict joy!! and sounded even more so live), but constantly asking your audience to sing along to yer songs when they probably wouldn't in the first place is quite telling of how Glen views his own place in the world of music. He pours his heart and soul into every note, and while none of those notes are false, not all of them ring true. True or false? Huh? Dunno, but for the moist part, all was swell that ends swell, and we're still holding out for Twice

setlist + mo pics over at BV

AT&T-Bone Burnett

2010-01-19T10:19:00.001-05:00

groovy Dolly Madison pie packages featuring the Peanuts gang

[So Much Pileup]

the new old adventures of Jim Mora cussin rants!

Tippi Hedren gets a Birds tatt at age 80, and is still more bangable than her daughter Melanie Griffith at any age

thighs wide approval: Supergrass cover band side project The Hot Rats! (kinda pissed at ourselves for missing their shows last week)

weight a sectcunt, Kat Prescott has a boyfriend and it isn't us?

America's Most Wanted's most wanted [Pat K]

Pirmin (our mos flavorite Swiss ski gawd of all thyme) Zurbriggen: the hotels!!

covers

Pies Wide Shut?

old tool from the ye olde school: Dukane's Micromatic II filmstrip projector!!!!

AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com

Chapter Lips

2010-01-15T10:49:00.003-05:00

The Book of Eli
Better Deso-Late Than Never?
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

The sky has fallen, and so has civilization. A man takes to the road, heading anywhere but here, in search of kind man mankind, while also being one of the sole preservers of it. Stop us if you've heard this one before. Hactually don't, cause you have, moist recently with the munch better Viggo Mortensen traveled Road, but that didn't stop The Hughes Bros from heading down the same beaten path with their Book of Eli, a flick more concerned with knife-wielding gunplay, than exploring humanity in inhumane circumstances. The smarter ones of this genre usually try to go there, but that doesn't mean for a second that the Hughes' Sergio Leone tinged Children of Men knock-off (the rowboat scene made us cringe with déjà vu) aint entertaining & purty to look it, cause tis is, it's juss not as deep as it's necessarily trying to dig. Can you dig?

The man on the westward walk be Denzel Washington (nice to see him at work with the Bros), and nothing will stand in his way, not even an overly hammy Gary Oldman, channeling his Léon: The Professional jerkassedness persona or a slightly out of place Mila Kunis, to wherever he's going and why he's headed there. The motives (and result) we aint allowed to divulge, but you can probably guess that it has something to do with a book (and not juss any book!), Eli, and the the. When Eli reveals its reveal, it turns out to be about as shocking as Heidi Montag's daily plastic surgery itinerary. A repeated viewing with the prior knowledge of said reveal won't likely produce any dividends (like it did with The Village, which went from Village idiocy to a Village Pantry, overstocked with deliciousness), and that's a true testament of how half-baked this Book of revelations reads

A Ray of Hope: we're huge fans of the huge Ray Stevenson (he plays one of Oldman's right-hand men), and yous probably are too if you ever saw HBO's brilliant, but canceled Rome. well there's good news out there that apparently even we somehow missed... a Rome MOVIE is in the werks!!!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Eli opens today at a theater near jews, where the not so gr8, but not as awful as everyone's making it out to be Lovely Bones finally rolls out

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed...

Still Tons of Fun @ 91

2010-01-14T15:27:00.002-05:00

please
ANDREW
never
AITKEN
die
ROONEY

'There's an awful lot of nonsense in this world. I'm not shy about expressing a dislike when I feel it. If that's grumpy, then I am. I think too many people try too hard to be likable.' -Rooney

previously on Andy's day-b:
Crusty, Musty, Yet Never Rusty @ Playhouse 90
Bangin Amanda Bynes @ Age 89s
Still Gr8 @ 88
Spank Heaven For Age 87
Still A Prick @ 86

Image Is Neverything

2010-01-14T09:01:00.012-05:00

Komputery z dawnych lat

from the many webs that Mark Weaver weaves

Rudy T after Kermit bust up, from the muss worship si vault

join the fast break club of Cliff Chiang

lots of fun always found at http://ffffound.com/

Thighs Wide Music 2009

2010-01-13T15:10:00.006-05:00

Thighs Wides Shuts'
Tops Twelves Albums
Wees Heards
This Years*

Röyksopp - Junior | Karen O And The Kids - Where The Wild Things Are Soundtrack | Unofficial Eastbound & Down Soundtrack | Flight of The Conchords - I Told You I Was Freaky | Fantastic Mr Fox Soundtrack | Lily Allen - It's Not Me, It's You | U2 - No Line On The Horizon | Air - Love 2 | Muse - The Resistance | The Swell Season - Strict Joy | Moby - Wait For Me | Jean-Benoit Dunckel - Cyprien Soundtrack

*out of a total of 12.31 albums that we listened to in the '009. yep, wees still far removed from today's music, but we're old and don't have time for Lady Pupugaga and new things and stuff and don't have a clue as to who 99.99% of the bands being Brooklyn Veganed about be, but no sweat off our backs cause this was a banner year for us in concerting (see below), as we took in 2 out of the top 3 shows we hath ever seen, and some of the others may go down in herstory as top 20ers, which is really saying something, but we're not really saying anything, and if you know anything about music, yer probably not getting yer music knowledge here, but whatevs.net

Tunses For Toonces

super short edition
All Is Love - Karen O & The Kids [d]
The Chanukah Song - Neil Diamond [d]
The Fear - Lily Allen [d]
Fooba Wooba John - Burl Ives [d]
The Girl And The Robot - Röyksopp [d]
He's Behind You, He's Got Swine Flu - The Streets [d]
Magnificent - U2 [d]
Total Love Warrior Song - Jean-Benoit Dunckel [d]
Too Many Dicks (On The Dance Floor) - Flight of The Conchords [d]
Uprising - Muse [d]

Concerts That Were
Tastier Than A
Certs Mint

Flight of the Conchords + Kristen Schaal @ Radio City Music Hall
Travis @ Webster Hall
Franz Ferdinand @ Roseland Ballroom
Leonard Cohen @ Radio City Music Hall
Phish @ Jones Beach
Fleetwood Mac @ MSG
Fatboy Slim @ Terminal 5
Blur @ Hyde Park!!!!!
Paul McCartney @ Shea II
Paul McCartney @ FedEx Field
Moby @ 9:30 Club and Irving Plaza
U2 @ Giants Stadium
Davy Jones @ BB Kings
Brian Wilson @ Bergen PAC
The 25th Rock & Roll Hall of Fame Anniversary Concerts - Night 1 @ MSG
The 25th Rock & Roll Hall of Fame Anniversary Concerts - Night 2 @ MSG
An Evening with Fran Healy and Andy Dunlop from Travis @ Joe's Pub
Röyksopp @ Webster Hall
Matisyahu @ Sixth & I Synagogue
Phish @ MSG
Fiery Furnaces @ Bowery Ballroom

the past is the passed

'08
'07
'06
'05
'04
'03

in closing there waz one album, which was born in 1966 and wasn't studio completed until 2004, that (shlong-overduedly) ruled our ears for all of 2009 and will until the dayz wees thighs dies: Brian Wilson - SMiLE. own it, rip it, d-lode it, love it

Yes We Balkans

2010-01-12T12:20:00.005-05:00

question: what's the only thing mo smokin delicious than Bojangles' biscuit sangwiches?

answer: Bojana Novakovic, who plays Mel Jewhater Gibson's slain daughter in Taken 2: Electric Kool-Aid Acid Fleshback

Bojana is a Serbian-Australian actress, which is quite fitting since we want to ring her Belgrade and to aussie mega shampoo her boobies, which shouldn't be an issue since she's all about the NSFW. aaaaawww yeah

btw, our comments section is toast for the time being, so if you know anything about web shiz, please contact us cause we need your help and can pay in hamburgers. to make up for no comments, listen to the sweet theme from Crazy Heart or peep this C-3POhhhhh snapedness [via JoBlo]

Juan Trippeing Daisy

2010-01-11T09:27:00.000-05:00

Pan Am’s Helvetica dreamtime

+ TWA posters

+ Woody Allen and his son Scumbag X

+ sneezing puppies

If You're Not Into The Whole Brevity Thing

2010-01-08T10:25:00.004-05:00

Crazy Heart
Country Time Lemon Fade
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Jeff Bridges IS Bad Blake, a famous, but fallen country music star who looks like Kris Kristofferson, acts like Jeffery Lebowski and sorta sings like a Fabulous Baker Boy. His heart is crazy!!! Guess it is or else why would Thomas Cobb name his book so? Reduced to playing in bumblef&ck bowling alleys, Blake still takes whatever his manager (James Keane) can get him, to supplant his whiskey and ciggy regimen. What a life... that's going nowhere (wait, is this Tender Mercies, which also stars Robert Duvall???)! Add his bitter bettyness for the grand success of his protégé Tommy Sweet (a sweet Colin Farrell, returning to his Sonny Crockett hair roots) and what you got is a recipe for a downward spiral spiraling even mo downward and eastbound and downward!!!! BUT THEN a young single mother walks into his life (Franken Gyllenhaal) and gives him purpose, which is good for his character, but ultimately lames-y for our story. Blake is a good man, but of course his wicked ways will somehow catch up with him and screws everythings up. That basically happens, but he wises up for the better, roll the credits, and maybe hand him an Oscar that his career deserves, but not necessarily for his Heart work, which is absolutely fine, juss not any better than him as El Duderino. Then again, we'd be happy if he did win for this instead of Clooney who plays Clooney, but a Clooney who flys a lot!! WOW, how mindblowing Clooney!!!

Fest In Show: watch Bridges play a cover of the unofficial Lebowski theme song 'The Man In Me' by Dylan

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Heart is currently playing in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed...