Thighs Wide Shut

Five For Flighting

2008-05-09T15:40:00.003-04:00

The Babysitters
Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Banging Dad
Trailers & Mo

The central idea behind The Babysitters, where high school girls earn extra cash by sleeping with the lonely midlife crisised fathers of the kids they're sitting, has 'hottest porno ever' written all over it. Alas and molasses, this is no wet dream come true, but a nightmarish, and sometimes a bit amateurish, drama that deals with the truths and consequences of such dangerous liaisons between the jailbaiters and sleazy old men (anytime you see John Leguizamo in a film, you juss know bad stuff is going to happen). It's tough to tell who had a more uncomfortable time watching this film, us, who needed to take 3,231,455,209 showers afterwardszz to rid ourselves of the dirty feeling it soaked into our skin, or Sam Waterston, whose adorable daughter Katherine leads this quasi-prostitution racket and bares the word found in between 'pros' and 'ution'. The film is tough to recommend, and probably is a leading candidate for wurst date movie of 2008, but it's still worth a look. Although, as our screening guest Jewanicur perfectly suggested, this woulda worked a lot better had it been a series on HBO. We see Mary Elizabeth Winstead as the teenage madame, and yours drooly as her first customer

Titillating Title: Katherine can next been seen, with her equally adorable sister Elisabeth, in some Tom Arnold vehicle called Good Dick

John Grisham's Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers

The Fall
Autumn Leaves Blow
Trailers & Mo

The Fall is the most beautiful film you never need to see. It's like The Princess Bride with all the grandeur and imagination, but without any of the fun or fluidity. Our Columbo/Kevin Arnold duo here is an injured movie stuntman (Lee Pace, the dreamy piemaker from Pushing Daisies), who passes his dreary bedridden days by cheering up a peculiar little Romanian girl (Catinca Untaru), also staying at the same hospital, with tall tales of high adventure around the globe (supposedly the film was shot in 20+ different countries, over four years). We have to give director Tarsem (who made one of the besesteststest music video mt EVERest: REM's 'Losing My Religion') sum credit. He's a true visionary who hands in an udderly breathtaking piece of work, but the whole thing is too darn overbloated and ultimately purty darn boring, which was the same diarrhea that muddled his debut, The Cell. If he can ever find a way to tell a story as well as he can paint a cinematic canvas, he'd easily be considered one of the top directors in the bidness. Until that time, he should hire himself out to others to help make their visions a surrealealtiy

Pushing Hotties: our heroine Justine Waddell looks a lot like the chick on Pushing Daisies, Anna Friel [here NSFWlicious]. she also resembles deceased sexpot Natalie Wood, whom she played in a telepic directed by Pete Bogdanovich

John Grisham's Jizzum (aka Verdict): Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

The Tracey Fragments
& Noise
Boxed Out & Drowned In Sound
Tracey Trailers & Mo & Noise Trailer

Looking for a double feature that will assault both your eyes and ears, and not in a good way? Then look no further cause The Tracey Fragments and Noise have arrived to annoy the crap outta any audience watching either one of em. Tracey is a student film on Sparks about a teenage misfit (the role musta been a big stretch for Ellen Page, eh?) looking for her lost brother right before a big blizzard is about to hit Winnipeg or something. She's solid as per usual, but the rest of the actors need a couple more months at theater camp. The film has a gimmick running throughout: more split screens than Mike Figgis' Timecode and every season of 24 combined! After about 8 seconds, the split screens will start to give you a splitting headache, but watching all the goings on in the boxes does sorta-semi-kinda-quasi-hold your attention. Luckily the flick is only 77 minutes, so it's bearable, but if it was 78 minutes, it would have been unbearable

Noise has a better plot to boot, but after about 15 minutes, the film has already exhausted its premise of Tim Robbins as the wurstest superhero of the summer, the Rectifier, who takes upon himself to rid New York City of car alarms with his own brand of street justice. The rest of the flick is filled with Robbins trying to enjoy the peace and quiet, and then suddenly, wouldn't you juss know it, a car alarm goes off, and in turn sets him off. It goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on, and then William Hurt shows up and hams it up even more than he did in A History of Violence (we wouldn't be sirprized if they gave him an Oscar nom for this awful performance like they did for Violence). You'll eventually start to sympathize with Robbins's character cause you'll want him to turn off the sound from this movie

Fenella Woolgar/Benedict Cumberbatch Bestest Name Future HOFamer: Tracey's emo beefcake Slim Twig

C'mon Bring The Noise: we wonder what's more irritating, Noise or Timmy Robbins' band Gob Roberts

John Grisham's Jizzum (aka Verdict): Tracey gets a Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges, while Noise gets our first Slit Your EARS Off Repoopulous

OSS 117: Cairo, Nest of Spies
(OSS 117: Le Caire - nid d'espions)
The Man With The Not So Golden Pun
Trailers & Mo

OSS 117 is a French spy comedy devoid of any humor. Maybe something got lost in the translation, cause to our ears (and eyes, since we were busy reading subtitles) there were no jokes or gags present, and therefore, there's nothing much to laugh it. It doesn't take itself serious enough to be considered a drama either, so picture is a bit of an enigma. At least the Goldfingeresque mise en scène is spot on our Bondian super agent Jean Dujardin is so darn endearing and having a good time onscreen that you'll at least crack a smile. Hopefully they'll work on the funny a bit more when the sequel drops next year (at least in France)

We Want To Bond With These Fatale Femmes: meet the eye candy that be Aure Atika and Bérénice Bejo, both NSFWers. here's a nic pic of BB

John Grisham's Jizzum (aka Verdict): Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

all five films open in limited release today

Rental Round-Up Dawg:

We missed The Great Debaters on its theatrical run, but it played juss fine in a home viewing environment. It runs a little too long, and is overly sentimental, but you can't help but get swept up by this true story of a historically Black college that broke the racial barrier with their minds and mouths. Be sure to czech out the bonus feature where director Denzel interviews the actual living members of the Wiley College team

As for I'm Not There [TWS review], it's probably the most overlooked and underloved film of 2008 (well, besides Before The Devil Knows Your Dead [TWS review]). Unlike our buddy Tarsem (and heck, a lotta damn directors), Todd Haynes knows how to blend style and substance seamlessly. The guy's got a huge hard on for movies and music and he'll turn you on too with this picture about the personas and myths of Bob Dylan. Watching the movie, you won't learn a thing about Dylan, but if you pop on the muss muss listen to commentary by Haynes, you'll discover how much of a genius he and this film truly are. It was recorded post-Ledger's death, and when Heath's first scene comes on, it's hard for even him to watch

until next thyme the balcony is clothed...

Cocoonskin Cap

2008-05-08T10:57:00.001-04:00

5 Cats that Look Like Wilford Brimley [DFB]

the greatestestist love song of balls thyme: 'Smell Yo Dick' [YouTube w/saucy lyrics]

Jon Schultz' semi-creative way of getting Good Thief cutie pie Nutsa Kukhianidze to contact him: NutsaKukhianidze.com

get burned by Gemma's rays [NSFW]
this guy certainly has

Nadine Hurley's silent drape runners finally a reality

one shirt is tasty, the other, tasteless

Jarvis Cocker & Beth Ditto - 'Temptation (Live)' [YouTube]

Playboy Ads From Around the World

Diet Coke With Bacon

Dog to Unicorn Transformation Kit [b3ta]

this guy's looking for someone to JO in his model train room, although haters of imitation crab meat need not apply

&

Dale loves posing with Hooters gals
& setting back Scottish culture by 10,000 years

Flight Night of A Thousand Laffs

2008-05-07T11:51:00.006-04:00

Flight of the Conchords
Town Hall
May 6th

[pics from Tower Theater show, not Town Hall]

What's a joke that never gets old? One that's told in the form of a song and rocked out by Bret McKenzie and Jemaine Clement (who does sorta look like a more talented Andy Samberg), the duo better know as the greatestist four letter abbreviation to hail from New Zealand since LOTR: FOTC. The real joke is on you if you still haven't gotsen yer feet wet with either their hit HBO show or their fraztastic new self-titled album. There really isn't anything mo superflyfresh than these two currently rocking the planet (well, besides Bree Olson NSFWed in a maid costume). The two have just begun their brief and beyond sold-out tour of the US, and we caught their first of two shows at Town Hall last night. Todd Barry warmed up the crowd with his self-loathing/loving brand of comedy, and much to everyone's displeasure, no bongo solo for 'Doggy Bounce'

Even if B&J mumbled for 90 minutes, the crowd would still eat it up, especially the ladies. Cause the ladies love funny guys and musicians, and FOTC are both. They probably have an easier time getting laid than an Amsterdam prostitute. Luckily, they decided to play their songs and instead of mumbling, adding their dry Kiwi witty banter in betwixt. Even though we knew every line of every song, it still was beerlarious to hear them live. The giant smiling grin on our faces never ceased from song one to the last one. Even when the audience began shouting out song requests (which has got to be the most annoying thing about concertgoers of our generation), the two played it as cool as a coolcumber. A call for 'Freebird' was obliged by Jermaine as he peformed a bit of it two different times. Later, someone asked for 'Hungry Like A Wolf' and J-Dawg went right into 'Freebird' again. It got a laugh each time, and why would it not?

Here's a complete list of the songs from the concert (sadly no 'Bowie' or our flav, 'Prince of Parties'), in alphabetical order, since our memory is fuzzy as a Georgia peach:

'A Kiss Is Not A Contract'
'Albi the Racist Dragon'
'Angels' (listen)
'Bret You Got It Goin On'
'Bus Driver's Song' (listen)
'Business Time'
'Hiphopopotamus vs. Rhymenocerous'
'If You're Into It'
'I'm Not Crying'
'Inner City Pressure'
'Jenny'
'Ladies of the World'
'Mutha'uckas'
'Robots'
'The Most Beautiful Girl (In The Room)'
'Think About It'

+ 2 new songs

an instant classic one about old girlfriends (watch)
& one called 'Freakiocity' that needs a little work (watch)

if they're coming to your town
pony up and buy some scalped tickets
or scalp the head of someone with tickets if need be
if not, we're sure the thighnamic duo will tour again
so don't fret or take off your Brett Farve jersey

Thighbeca Film Festival '008

2008-05-06T16:05:00.004-04:00

Welcome to our fourth year of Thighbeca Film Festival coverage (recaps from 2007, 20 06 and 2005, sorta). Ideally, we'd see a lot more than we did, but if that happened, we'd probably would be blind. Same could be said about masturbating too much, but that's an over-activity worth going blind for

Breast In Fest

Man On Wire [trailer not available]

Philippe Petit's name may not ring a bell, but his high wire antics probably will. In 1974 he did the impossible: (illegally) walk between the World Trade Center's twin towers. How he planned and executed it is the focus of this deeply fascinating doc. It's hard to mention the towers anymore without thinking of 9/11, so it was an absolute pleasure to watch this doc that reminded us when they symbolized a thing of beauty and not horror

release date: August 15th in limited release

Mister Lonely [trailer]

You already know we loves it [TWS review], so the only question is, when are you going to see it? If Diego Luna's career ever goes down el baño, he totally could earn some extra cash rocking those MJ moves

release date: already playing in limited release

Old Man Bebo [trailer]

Bebo Valdés was one of the kings of Cuban music (and apparently fathering children). That is until Castro and the revolution came in and, because of his neutral stance, pushed him from his homeland. Living in European oblivion, and being reduced to playing pianos at hotels and private parties, Bebo seemed destined to be a footnote in the annals of music. That is until his career was revived in the 90s, thankfully by those who never forgot him. The doc itself is pretty basic, but Bebo's story is so darn engaging that it elevates the whole thing to muss see (if it's ever released)

release date: unknown

Somers Town [trailer not available so peep this slideshow]

When we last left crossed paths with director Shane Meadows, he had juss rocked our socks and coccyx off with his jarring This Is England [TWS GLOWING review], and introduced us to the bright young talent that is Thomas 'Tommo' Turgoose. Well, the two have reunited on his quiet (read: not much plot), yet effective, follow-up that follows Tommo as a runaway looking for a new life on the streets of London. He finds friendship in another lonely soul, a Polish kid (Piotr Jagiello, another great discovery by Meadows), and the two get into their fair share or mis and mradventure. Think of it is a not so cheesy Son of Rambow

release date: unknown

Jeepers Worth A Releasers

A President to Remember: In the Company of John F. Kennedy [trailer not available]

Robert Drew and his assocaites have long been pioneers in the field of political documentaries. They got their start as flies on the wall following JFK on the 1960 presidential campaign trail with the film Primary, and went on to follow his every move when he occupied the White House with 4 more docs on the most charismatic president to date. Well RD and assocs have taken the best bits of those works and created this new one that captures all the major events he faced (although no mistresses here, juss the hotness that was Jackie), with Alec Baldwin's smooth voice leading the way. This may be better suited for PBS than a theater, but regardless of where you see it, the mission of remembering JFK will certainly be accomplished

release date: unknown

The Universe of Keith Haring [trailer]

80s Pop Artist Keith Haring deserves a better reflection on his life and times than this. Since none are in the works that we know of, we guess we'll stick with this adequate one that seems to focus more on passing time than reflecting on the times. Little introspection is made from the interviewees (and Madonna is noticeably absent... so is Warhol, but he's dead), and it's a crying shame, but Haring's such a great subject that this doc is still worth czeching out

release date: fourth quarter of 2008

Sum Merit But
No Stinkin Festival Badges

A Portrait of Diego: The Revolutionary Gaze [trailer]

Diego Rivera was larger than life, and probably quite often, larger than his pants. This doc doesn't really chronicle that life. It's more about some half-a-century old silent color film of Diego at work, which was dug up from some Mexican attic, and what his grandson, and the offspring of two of the people involved in said film think about it. The title is thus very misleading and probably woulda been better if it was called Three Famous Peoples' Kin and How They Have Nothing Better To Do Than To Talk About Diego Rivera Around A Table And Talk About How Their Famous Forefathers Are More Talented Than They Are

release date: unknown

Redbelt [trailer]

On second thought's it isn't as bad as we originally said it was [TWS review], but that stoopid fight at the end has still left the wurstest taste in our mouth since we licked crepe paper

release date: already playing in limited release

Doesn't Even Belong
In A Poop Festical

War, Inc. [trailer]

This movie is so beyond awful that we had no regrets leaving the theater for 30 minutes to watch the Kentucky Derby at a nearby bar. When we returned, we didn't miss a thing. It was almos more enjoyable to watch Eight Belles get euthanized than sit through this hunk of Cusack junk (with Hillary Duff along for the ride). War, Inc? More like War, STINKS!

release date: May 23 in limited release

until next year's fest, the balcony is clothed

Grand Theft Extras

2008-05-06T09:42:00.003-04:00

for those of us w/o a heX-Box or a PeeS3 (aka the only Blu-Ray players sold in America), you can watch Ricky Gervais' stand-up bit about fatty boom-booms (that we heard when we saw him last year) found in Grand Theft Auto IV's Split Sides Comedy Club b-lo

[GamesRadar]
wonder if any Seona Dancing tunes play on the Electro-Choc radio station

Logo Dog Go!

2008-05-05T17:19:00.001-04:00

we juss mumbled upon the greatestistest wiki site mt EVERest:
Closing Logo Group Wiki
and cause we have nothing better to do
besides seeing movies and seeking out NSFW honeys with gynormus cans
we've ranked our mos flavorite 20 logos + others we've deemed james worthy

1) WGBH (1978 to Present)
Where To Find It: anything on PBS that's (probably) good or British or both

[play]

2) Warner Bros. Pictures (1972-1984)
Where To Find It: A Clockwork Orange

[play]

3) HBO Feature/Special Presentation (1983-1999)
Where To Find It: in our (wet) dreams

[play|behind the scenes]

4) 20th Century Fox Film Corporation (1935-1994)
Where To Find It: no better place than the OG versions of Star Wars, Eps IV-VI

[play]

5) Classic Warner Bros. Cartoons (1942-1964)
Where To Find It: anywhere it's duck or rabbit season

[play]

6) Hanna-Barbera (1979-1990)
Where To Find It: Shirt Tales

[play]

7) Walt Disney Home Video/Entertainment (1978-1986) & (1981-1987)
Where To Find It: any VHS (or BetaMax) tape that came in a huge white case

[play|play]

8) PBS (1971-1984)
Where To Find It: Electric Company

[play]

9) Stephen J. Cannell Productions/Cannell Entertainment (1982-1999)
Where To Find It: The A-Team

[play]

10) Ubu Productions (1982 - present)
Where To Find It: Family Ties

[play]

11) Amblin Entertainment (1982 - present)
Where To Find It: Amazing Stories

[play]

12) ITC Entertainment Group (1973-1989)
Where To Find It: The Muppet Show

[play]

13) DiC Audiovisuel/Entertainment (1987-2005)
Where To Find It: Inspector Gadget

[play|ytmnd]

14) Thames (1969-1989)
Where To Find It: Danger Mouse

[play]

15) NBC (any one that's in color)
Where To Find It: uh, NBC?

[play|play]

16) MGM Cartoons (1963-1967)
Where To Find It: Chuck Jones-produced Tom & Jerrys

[play]

17) MTM Enterprises, Inc./Productions (1970-1998)
Where To Find It: The White Shadow

[play]

18) Paramount Television (1969-1975)
Where To Find It: The Brady Brunch

[play]

19) Mark VII Productions/Limited (1953-1971)
Where To Find It: Dragnet

[play]

20) Universal Pictures (1963-1990)
Where To Find It: Back To The Future

[play]

honor blackman able mentions:

ABC (1962-1970's)
Castle Rock Entertainment (1989-1994)
CBS Productions (1966-??)
Children's Television Workshop (1978-1983)
Classic Paramount Cartoons (all)
Columbia Pictures (1975-1981)
Desilu/Lucille Ball Productions (1966-1967)
DreamWorks SKG (1997 - present)
Emotion (1999-2007)
Focus Features (2002 - present)
Gaumont (all)
Gracie Films (1987 - present)
Imagine Entertainment (1995 - present)
Krofft Productions/Entertainment (1969-1976)
The Ladd Company (1980-1996)
Lionsgate (2005 - present)
London Weekend Television (1971-1978)
Lucasfilm Limited (1997 - present)
Marvel Productions Ltd (1985-1993)
Miramax (1999 - present)
MTV (80s)
Orion Pictures (1981-1996)
Operation Prime Time (1976-1987)
Picturehouse (2005 - present)
Picturemaker Productions (1985-1989)
Pixar (1995 - present)
Rainbow Releasing Productions (1995 - present)
Rankin-Bass Productions (1968-1975)
Ruby-Spears (1981-1992)
RKO Pictures (1929-1958)
Steven Bochco Productions (1989 - present)
Television New Zealand (1980-1982)
TriStar Pictures (1984-1993)
United Artists Pictures (1981-1987)
WCET (Late 1980's?-????)

and the scariest one of balls thyme:

Lynch/Frost Productions (1990-1992)

which logos razzle your bedazzlers?
pray tell
and praying mantis!!

Make Believe It To Beaver

2008-05-02T14:31:00.003-04:00

Mister Lonely
Off The Wall
Trailers & Mo

Ever imagine what would happen if Michael Jackson and Marilyn Monroe visited an old age home together? Or if Buckwheat and Shirley Temple played in a chicken coop? Or if Queen Elizabeth had sex with Pope John Paul II? Probably not, but then again you don't have the wondrous and twisted imagination that Harmony Korine has. Yeah, remember him, the wunderkind who wrote Kids (a movie we couldn't see as a Freshman in college because it was NC-17 and we hadn't turned 18 yet) and had his last painful effort Julien Donkey-Boy drop 9 years ago? Lettuce not dwell on what the hell he's been up to this past decade and instead celebrate his triumphant return to cinema with Mister Lonely, his ode to celebrity impersonators that could end up being the funniest movies of the year, which isn't produced by Judd Apatow, let alone have any jokes or gags in it

Diego Luna (the more dreamy Y tu Mama-er in our opinion) has enough trouble juss being himself, so by day he works the streets of Paris as a Michael Jackson impersonator. Although he's got the costumes and all the right MJ moves down pat, he doesn't speak the language and has trouble fitting in with the rest of society. That is until he crosses paths with a faux Monroe, played with heart-breaking bestness by Samantha Morton (is there any better set of eyes in acting today?), who whisks him away to a kooky, yet friendly neverland colony of other impersonators (Abe Lincoln, James Dean, the Three Stooges, Madonna, etc), which is run by Morton's husband, an asinine Charlie Chaplin mimic (their screen daughter is actually played by Morton's real life daughter Esme, who also has the same set of piercing eyes). In a seemingly unrelated side story, director Werner Herzog plays a priest guiding the light of a bunch of flying nuns (maybe they're Sally Field impersonators?). Wha?

So what do all these shenanigans add up to? On the surface it sounds like a movie that's weird juss for the sake of being weird, and in fact it is, but it's also one of the more brilliant films we've seen in quite awhile. Korine's movies are hard ones to recommend without reservations, but for those with an open mind, you'll find it to be earnest and endlessly hilarious, although we can't we still can't tell if it's intentional or not

Good Cover Version: what do Sophie Ellis Bextor, Elton John, Robbie Williams, Liam Gallagher, Phil Collins, Kylie, David Bowie, Bjork, Bono, Missy Elliot, George Michael, J-Lo, Paul McCartney, Craig David, Tom Jones, Keith Richards, Kurt Cobain, Rod Stewart, Meat Loaf, Cher, J Kay, Brian May, Mick Jagger Gary Numan and Jarvis Cocker all have in common? They're impersonators star and sing in Pulp's video for 'Bad Cover Version' [PulpWiki]

Recycled Linky Poo: we posted this a week or so ago, but now it's more apt... Who Korine would like to be

John Grisham's Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show

Son of Rambow
Kids Film The Darndest Things
Trailers & Mo

Apparently this is the year of overly cutesy movies about DIY filmmaking. Be Kind Rewind [TWS review] was the first out of the gate, but it couldn't elevate itself much beyond it's fly-arsed premise. Son of Rambow fairs a wee bit better, as it only tackles one homage instead of Gondry's not so sweet dozen or so sweding fest, but it too is far from perfect. Rambow centers on two misfits growing up in the 80s, a bully and a sheltered kid hailing from a deeply religious family, who strike up an unlikely partnership and eventual friendship (woah, didn't see that twist coming) by shooting their own take on the Sylvester Stallone classic. There has to be some drama thrown into the mix, so when other schoolmates join the sheltered kid on the set, much to the dismay of the bully, the two begin to drift apart. How it plays out is anyone's guess, and if yer not really good at guessing, you'll probably still guess correctly as to how it plays out. Regardless of its predictability, and under-usage of Ed Westwick (Gossip Girl's Chuck Bass) in a throw away role as the bully's brother, the look, feel and vibe of Hammer & Tongs (the dudes who made Hitchhiker's Guide and Blur's 'Coffee & TV' video)'s second joint will keep you satisfied enuff from shooting an arrow thru yer head with a ramBOW

Family Ties: the minor role of Danny is played by Sam Kubrick-Finney, son of Anya Kubrick, who's the daughter of Stanley. Here's a pic of young Danny with his ma [wiki]

John Grisham's Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Redbelt
Martial Broken Law
Trailers & Mo

David Mamet and mixed martial arts. Doesn't sound like a match made in heaven on paper, and on film, it's a match made in limbo, as his latest, Redbelt is a mixed bag of martial artistry. His protagonist, Chiwetel Ejiofor (as always, perfectly chiwing up the scenery) is an honorable teacher of Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, who, like mos Mamet characters, gets caught up in some sorta con game that throws him outta his element, and somehow involves Ricky Jay and his real-life wife Rebecca Pidgeon. The con is set up after Ejiofor saves Tim Allen's life (although we wish he saved the world from any more Santa Clause flicks), and then TA & his Hollywurst cronies coerce him into one of those UFCish tournaments that he'd rather have nothing to do with, cause you see, he's very honorable, and if we don't keep reminding you, the film will. The ride to the big dance is swift and striking, like a karate chop to the neck, but as soon as the final showdown begins, this baby turns into some D-grade Jean-Claude Van Damme junk. Enter the ring at your own risk

Off The Street Fighting Men: czech out the Street Sports Jiu Jitsu blog run by Mamet's own BJJ master, film consultant and bit actor Renato Magno

John Grisham's Jizzum (aka Verdict): Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

all three flicks open in limited release today

until next thyme the balcony is clothed...

I Still Don't Want To Know What You Did Last Summer

2008-05-01T15:11:00.005-04:00

Iron Man
Art Favreau
Trailers & Mo

The last two summers began with movies that were more lackluster than blockbuster. 2006 brought us the overbloated and unnecessary Mission Impossible III (there shouldn't have been a Mission Impossible I in the first place), and in 2007, the giant mess that was Spidey 3 [TWS review] got tangled up in more webs than the world wide has urls. Well set yer mind at ease cause Iron Man kicks off this summer's crop of big budget fiascos with a mighty bang (for your buck) and not a wimpy (but we'd still gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today). It's easily the mos enjoyable superhero extravaganza released since Spidey 2, and would you expect anything less from a flick that stars an Oscar winner (Gwyneth Paltrow), 3 other Academy Award nominees (Robert Downey Jr, Terence Howard, and Jeffery Lebowski Bridges), had script doctoring by the dudes who wrote the screenplay for Children of Men (in retrospect, we probably should have picked it as the bestest flick of 2006), is executively produced by Ralphie and features the dopest Stan Lee cameo to date? We thought snot

In a few short years, Jon Favreau has transformed himself from a (sorta) lovable loser actor into a solid director, whose specialty seems to be blending the worlds of real and fantasy. Elf and Zathura (one of the mos funnestistest titles to say out loud) were juss baby steps leading up to this confessed fanboy's first foray into the comic book genre. He's right at home here, and to no real sirprize, so is his star Robert Downey Jr, having oodles of fun playing a playboy zillionaire turned iron giant. We all of know RDJr's past issues, but with solid work in 13 films since 2003 (Zodiac being the tops, obviously) he's quickly gone from less than zero to everyone's hero. He may seem like an unconventional choice for a film like this, but it was a choice that certainly paid off, as his performance, in our refined opinions, ranks right up there with Christopher Reeve and Adam West as best screen superheros mt EVERest. Iron Man, we give you mad RoboProps, and can't wait to see a sequel

Iron Butterflies: the theme from the '66 cartoon, where Tony Stark lands on Forbes' Fictional 15 richest list, and Ghostface 'Ironman/Tony Stark' Killah rumored cameo + Samuel L and Hillary Swank's are MIA, or are they?

John Grisham's Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show

Fugitive Pieces
Holocaust Deficiency
Trailers & Mo

If you see one Holocaust themed film this year, you may have to wait a little longer cause this isn't the one the to see (and we weren't entirely sold on The Counterfeiters either [TWS review]). There's no concentration camps to be found in this lyrical tale of an orphaned Polish kid (played later in life by Thomas Jefferson), who later finds surrogate love from a Greek geologist (Boris The Blade), but has trouble allowing himself to love others after he dies (although having sex with Rosamund Pike probably isn't the wurstest thing to happen to a man w/o love to give). This film is unquestionable beautiful, but like its lead's emotions, it feels kinda empty and lacks, for lack of a better word, concentration. It meanders back and forth from the past to the present, all leading up to a point where he's finally able to make peace with his demons and open his heart to another (Ayelet Zurer, aka, Eric Bana's hot Israeli wife in Munich). If you can get to that point and you're still awake, we congratulate you, cause we were almost asleep in a pile of Reese's Pieces

Exercising The Demons: Zurer can next be seen in da Da Vinci Code prequel Angels & Demons, opposite Tom Hanks (hopefully not with that hair) and Ewan McGregor

John Grisham's Jizzum (aka Verdict): Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

21
Pretty Busted
Trailers & Mo

Ben Mezrich's book Bringing Down The House about real-life MIT students, who go from totally geek to totally chic, by counting cards and big bills in Vega$ is well worth reading. When it came time to turn it into a film, unfortunately, that title had already been used for a Steve Martin-Queen Latifah joint, so they had to change the name, and even more unfortunately, for Hollywood storytelling purposes, they changed much of what made the book so compelling. Our Asian protagonist has been replaced by an Anglo-Saxon (albeit a damn dreamy JOable one) one, all the specific rules that protected the team from getting caught have sorta been tossed to the side, and instead of having them travel to casinos across the country, the film only focuses on Vegas, and in particular to the Planet Hollywood Casino (we had no idea Planet Hollywood was still in bidness, let alone ran a gaming facility). Despite what was omitted, the film is entertaining, but it's what was added to the story that doesn't boat our float (Laurence Fishburne's disgruntled old-school eye in the sky security manager who beats people up, yet the book makes endless points of why casinos no longer bully card counters with fists + our Anglo-Saxon's lameazoid schoolmates who know nothing of his double life and eat up way too much screentime, hispecially Josh Gad, who hands in the wurstestest movie geek/sidekick performance mt EVERest and FUJIest)

21 marks the third not-so fab screen pairing of Kevin Spacey and Kate BOOOsworth. The first two were the now forgettable Superman Returns [TWS review] and a film we dubbed 'the WURST biopic AND movie directed by an actor EVER!', Beyond The Sea/Watchable [TWS review]. We're praying to Jesus AND Moses that there isn't a fourth pairing

Swimming With Card Sharks: read the book, skip the movie, and juss enjoy the opening of the classic game show Card Sharks [vid|empee3]

John Grisham's Jizzum (aka Verdict): Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Iron and Pieces open Friday, while 21 continues to play in a theater near Jews

until next thyme the balcony is clothed...

Know Brainers

2008-04-30T18:53:00.006-04:00

buying Mario Kart Wii

it's like 1992 all over again
cept it's like 2008 and the world kinda blows

Amy Winehouse doing a Bond theme

a Kubrick Holocaust film starring Uma Thurman that thankfully was never made

more Damon Albarn

remember those Playboy centerfolds galore links from the 50s, 60s and 70s links? Well, add the 80s to the muss JO list [NSFW]

registering for the chance to buy MLB All-Star tickets

Sharapova's crotch shot [Byrne Baby Byrne!]

a 51-track double disc live Fiery Furnaces live album

peeping Brandy Robbins' bazongies [NSFW]

[mo snaps]

Truth AND Consequences, New Mexico

2008-04-29T17:21:00.011-04:00

ahhhh New Mexico, the land of enchantment, and tender vittles that will give you diarrhea for weeks! we, as well 3 of the Whitest Kids you may know, descended upon our 47th state for Nipsy Newbsy's nuptials in Albuquerque and left with plenty of memories, not to mention plenty of diarrhea. did we mention diarrhea? LOVES IT! Adrian Grenier was there too, but he wasn't there for the wedding, juss to sell his own shampoo line, Grenier Fructis. enuff with the diarrhea telling and on with the diarrhea showing!

everyone gets their kicks on Route 66

even Nikki Six

who doesn't love the sun symbol that adorns the state flag?

we bought a shirt with the logo
that's almost as busted as this tee

did we mention diarrhea?

then you muss try La Placita's & Frontier
for maximum Old El Gaso

is there anything butter than a 'CARWAS'?

yeah, whatever the fred funk a 'LLOИUH' is

we voted for Pueblo

the Acoma Sky City's pueblo that is!

where the ladder's are as white

as a Neil Diamond concert audience

where indoor plumbing doesn't exist

and Porta-Potties rule the sky

there's plenty of crap to buy from the Natives

including the same shitty ceramic pottery over and over!

the gawds hate wastewater

but the Porta Potties love dumping!

fry bread is a nice

but maybe not as nice as Stephen Fry

what's more insulting than the term 'Redskins'?

a Native's pick-up truck sporting a Redskins decal
+ a Dallas Cowboys one as well
wtf?

here's me and my boy Leroy

who appears to love food a lil more than we do!

Santa Fe was lovely

and so is Iron, whose symbol is 'Fe'

czeching out the Loretto Chapel's miraculous staircase is a muss!
even if Snopes sez false

hispecially for those of us who first saw it on Unsolved Mysteries

it took 10 minutes to go thru O'Keeffe's museum

cause we're really not into vagina paintings

when it comes to gastronomical food
we put our faith in Rachael Ray and her burrito farts

that's why we hit up Cafe Pasqual's
and hit up the bathroom many hours afterwards

Owlbuquerque?

only in New Mexico will you find a van outside of an Injun casino
with an owl, a falcon and tons of bird shit juss chilling out

we may not go with gawd

but we'd go back to New Mexico
cause we still need to eat at the UFO Micky D's
and find those missing Atari ET cartridges

Children of the Chords

2008-04-28T23:53:00.004-04:00

above: our remix of Michael Muller's purty pictures of the thighnamic duo

pluss

° the first four Conchords TV appearances ever [YouTube]

° ghetto footage of FOTC filming the video for 'Ladies of the World' [YouTube]

° Wired interview

[assistance by What The Folk dot net]

All's Not Liz Phair In Love and War

2008-04-25T13:40:00.002-04:00

Standard Operating Procedure
Sure To Abu Ghraib Your Attention
Trailers & Mo

A picture is worth a thousand words, and in the case of the numerous horrific ones taken at Abu Ghraib prison in 2004, it's impossible to figure out the context of them without hearing the thousands of additional words provided by the people in the photos and those who took them. That's the task the masterful Errol Morris (Fog of War/Thin Blue Line) has set up for himself, as he's the latest director to join the 'this war on terrorism really sucks' documentary fray. Procedure is a searing investigation that lets five out of the seven 'bad apple' indicted soldiers finally have their say (the other two who were not interviewed are still in prison). From a distance, the soldiers are the poster children for everything wrong with the war, but when we examine them close-up, they seem more like victims (especially poor Lynndie England), who were thrown under the bus by our government that would gladly point their fingers at anyone that isn't themselves. Morris doesn't assign blame or even exonerate the accused, but he's raising the right questions in this complex morality tale, where it's hard to distinguish what's illegal and what constitutes, wait for it... standard operating procedure. Clocking in at almost two hours, Procedure leaves no stone unturned, and after awhile, it can be a bit tiring, especially with the endless reenactments filling the void of not having any moving pictures. This isn't as required viewing as No End In Sight is, but if yer looking to take a similar Taxi Ride to the Dark Side, give it a go

He Can't Quit His Day Job: in order to pay the billz, Morris shoots a lotta commercials

Right Here, Right Now: is there any butter time to break out one of our mos flavorite links... Doing A Lynndie

John Grisham's Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Roman De Gare
Ghostwriter's Recon
Trailers & Mo

Claude Lelouch's Roman De Gare is a feast for those who love a movie with boundless twists and turns. The double Ts may unfurl at a snail's pace, but nonetheless, they're satisfying enough for you to watch the lives of a best selling author (Fanny Ardant), an abandoned woman (Audrey Dana), and a curious stranger (Dominique Pinon, that lil dude in all those Marc Caro/Jean-Pierre Jeunet flicks) intersect. This slow burning treat reminded us a lot of François Ozon's Swimming Pool, where the lines between fact and fiction were delightfuly blurred. Luckily for us though, De Gare's bushless [NSFW]

Body of Work: Lelouch has not only produced a bunch of beautiful films, but a bunch o' beautiful children as well. Say bonjour to his lil hotties (that we could find snaps of) Salomé, Sarah and Shaya (the last two appear in Roman)

John Grisham's Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers

both films open in limited release today

until next thyme the balcony is clothed...

Crimes of Passion Fruit

2008-04-24T14:57:00.003-04:00

Frodo's first onscreen love scenes involved spaghetti and our sweetie Leonor Watling, WTFudge? We don't see any spaghetti here [NSFW], and we wish we didn't have to see Wat's (my) precious teets pressed up against young blue eyes/dorkus malorkus. The film where all this goes down, The Oxford Murders, is currently playing abroad, with no US release date set yet. Watling, is currently playing in our pants as we type this

sorta not related: Dildo Saggins pisses in the shower

Lily Allen's new tunes are, alright, still juss as yumcredible as her old ones

Closing Ring, sure to be the breast movie starring Falkor's sister [NSFW]

Jessica Rabbit untooned

the ins and outs of In-N-Out's stoopid secret menu. wonder if we can order secret fries that actually taste good [SS Meals]

guess we can delete Smiley Face from the queue

Playboy centerfolds galore from the 50s, 60s and 70s [NSFW]

beards, the finest in German ingenuity

World War II Aerography on Planes

art

Young Me - Now Me [Data ?]

Democratic dance off

more Atari 2600 box munchin [levittown]

Blast-Phlegmy

2008-04-23T17:04:00.002-04:00

hey Chaos Theory trailer, the raping and pillaging of the Raising Arizona yodelrific theme song is punishable by death by stereo [YTMND]

that theme song from the Raising Arizona soundtrack
actually has a name: 'Way Out There' [d]

in an interview, composer Carter Burwell
like Clarissa, explains it all...

I believe it was Joel [Coen] who said he'd been listening to yodeling while he was cutting the film. The actual melody there is an old cowboy tune called 'Way Out There'. We found it on a Pete Seeger recording, and he credits it to the Sons of the Pioneers, and they credit it as 'traditional', meaning we don't really know who first yodeled that melody.

Of course in New York it took a little time to find a yodeler, not to mention the right yodeler. But I suppose the other important thing about the piece was the decision to keep it as simple as it is. There really is no instrumentation beyond the yodeler (sometimes whistling or humming) and banjo. In other parts of the score we have guitar, percussion and synths, but it was important that the score was generally very intimate - all the rough edges show.

bonus Zona yoddeling tack: 'Return To The Nursery' [d]

many spanks to Time Wendenkos for pointing this travesty of a mockery of a sham of a mockery of a travesty of two mockeries of a sham out to us

MADtv

2008-04-23T00:32:00.005-04:00

Don't know if you ever got the scott lachance to czech out AMC's (jon) hammazing series Mad Men, but we juss finished up our first tour of duty and can confirm that the hype is certainly believable (and JOable). Season two starts up sometime in July, so you still have time to ketchup. AMC re-aired the pilot last week, and will air ep 2 this Monday, but based on their calendar, we can't tell if they're going to repeat the other 11 eps over the coming months. Nonethemoreorless, you can grabs them all off of or wait until July 1st when the DVD/BooRays will drop

bi the gay, why the F and G did they ax Kristen Schaal/Mel's sassy switchboard operator Nannette after juss the pilot? their comic relief loss is the Conchords and our gain!

while you sit there and willie ponder everything u juss read
kick back to the Mad Men theme song by RJD2
it's called 'A Beautiful Mine' [d] and features Aceyalone