Gone Girl
Desperate Housewife
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 149 min

–

Gone Girl the movie is thankfully no Gone Baby Gone

Along for the ride are his annoying screen sister (Carrie Coon), his crafty lawyer (Tyler Perry’s Madea‘s Law Firm), and Doogie Howser, playing against type, as a character who is not a child prodigy doctor + apparently Ben Affleck’s penis, and this girl, who’s boobs aren’t gone, they HERE!!!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Gone Girl is found at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Palo Alto
Nepotism The Movie
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 98 min

Apparently if you have the last name Coppola, it’s yer dog-given right to make a film.  And apparently if you’re the child of a movie actor/ess, it’s yer dog-given right to follow in their footsteps.  Man, it muss be tuff to give it the old Hollywood try when all the tries are being given to someone famous’ son or daughter or their cousin, twice removed.  (Too bad my parents were a lawyer and a teacher, although I didn’t follow in either of their footsteps.  Maybe my children will become Thigh Masters.  DO IT KIDS!!!)

Nepotism is on full display in Gia ‘grandaughter of Francis Ford’ Coppola‘s Palo Alto, starring Eric Roberts’ daughter and Val Kilmer & Joanne Whalley’s son (Val is in it to, but for maybe like 10 seconds).  The film is based off of James Franco’s book of short stories, and he gets a role in the film too.  Somehow his brother Dave Franco didn’t get nepotized into the cast.  (I did a quick check of the rest of the roster, but couldn’t find any more famous parental connections, outside of minor roles for Emma Gretzky and Bailey… Coppola)

OK, all that nepo-ness aside, the movie Palo Alto is still a movie and is somewhere between aunt Sofia Coppola’s Somewhere, and yet nowhere, and also Gus van Pretentious’ Paranoid Park, with a heavy dose all things Bret Easton Ellis.  So what I’m saying is Palo Alto is a moody piece of something, that’s really nothing.  Usually I loathe those kind of movies, and obviously I’m no giant fan of nepotism, AND YET, I still kinda really enjoyed Palo Alto

Why?

– there’s a faux recreation of Phoebe Cates’ Fast Times pool ascent scene, for no reason

– Kenny Powers’ fatty nephew is in it

- Nat Wolff’s hair and attitude 

– the dumb high school talk

– it wasn’t awful like The Bling Ring was

– seeing what Chris Messina high and touchy-feely would look like

– the score

- Father Guido Sarducci is in it (the actor, not the character), and he funny!

– it made me feel uneasy from start to finish, and I have no idea why, but movies should make you feel something, and this movie did

– and mainly cause I’m now in love with Val Kilmer & Joanne Whalley’s son Jack.  he’s almost hotter than both mom AND dad, and that’s basically impossible.  he looks like mini-Beck-River Phoenix.  I want to play with his hair.  I want to live on his face

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Palo is palling about in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Bettie Page Reveals All
Pin-Up, Chin-Up
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 101 min

You saw that Notorious Bettie Page movie, right?????  If you wanted to see Gretchen Mol gloriously topless in a gloriously filmed ‘art’ movie you most certainly did!!!  That movie was purty dang good, but we felt it to be rather incomplete –  wondering ‘whatever became of her, post-pin-up daze’???  Yeah, WHAT HAPPENED TO BETTIE PAGE AFTER SHE WENT FROM PIN-UP QUEEN TO WOMAN IN HIDING QUEEN?????  Well, for those thirsting for that ‘what’ (ME! ME! ME! ME!), Mark Mori‘s doc delivers the answers, in spades AND boobs, and in Bettie Page‘s own words/voice!!!!!  Sadly, the doc itself looks like it was edited by a 6 year old film student using a Commodore 64, but slipshoddiness aside, if you have ANY interest in Bettie or her boops OR boobs, you GOTS to give in and check out Bettie Page Reveals All, for all is revealed, just like the title sez!!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

a Page turner opens in NY tomorrow, and elsewhere elsewhen

sorry, gotz to jet, juss thought of something that needs my immediate attention.  now where’s that bottle of lotion and box of kleenexessz???

(Bettie herself rules, but I choose Mol as Page over the real thing every day, ALL DAY!!!)

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Don Jon 
Off Beat Beat Off 
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 90 min

And the most annoying, poorly made debut film by someone we respect, and now don’t fully respect, cause we hated his film so much, film of 2013 is Joseph Gordon-Levitt‘s Don Jon

If you love a movie that revolves around endless internet masturbation (by a character who doesn’t even know how to clear their own browsing history – ZERO REALISM HERE PEOPLES), gratingly AWFUL hammy Joooursey accents (wish I didn’t have ears), endless annoying annoyingness (wish I also didn’t have eyes), that throws away whatever it ‘built’ up in its first 2/3rds for a final third that feels so out place and nothing to do-ish with them first two-thirds that you’ll juss wish this movie were released on any rock from the sun that isn’t the third one

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Love me some Joseph Jason Jordan Gordon-Gerry-Graydon-Levitt-Stein-Berg.  Always felt like he (and James Franco) was to fill the vacuum that Heath Ledger left with his passing.  For the most part, he has come thru, and we relish anything he does, even if it is doo-doo, but Don Juan?  Beyond thunderdome doo-doo.  I wouldn’t wish this film on my würst enemies, and my würst enemies are sports teams from New York and the south, and George Clooney

JG-L plays the title character – a guy who loves the gym, his boyzzz, and picking up sluts, and going to church, and taaaaawwwwwk-ing with horrible Joouuurrrrssssssey accents with his over-acting parents Tony Danza and Glenne Headly.  He also loves his screen sister Brie Larson, but she doesn’t say a word, just plays on her phone and that’s suppose to be funny.  It’s not.  This movie thinks it’s really funny and clever, but it puts the UN in fUNny, and is more like clNEVER

Things get interesting for Jon (but not for us) when Scarlett Johansson shows up and rocks his world (and destroys our ears with her Joooooororuururusseey accent – that’s worseserererer than everyone else’s).  And then she finds out that he masturbates endlessly, and then awkward funny is suppose to happen, but all that happens is how awkard I felt watching this movie about a guy who beats off.  I beat off.  All men do.  But I don’t want to see a movie about it, especially if it has nothing deep to say about it.  JOing isn’t suppose to be something we think deep about.  It’s actually something we all enjoy doing, but then when the climax happens, it’s best to forget about what juss happened – but sometimes remorse seeks in.  Well, Don Juan is the same, but there’s no climax, and it’s all remorse.  WHY DID WE WATCH THIS???

Later in the movie, Julianne Moore shows up resembling an actual character that we could actually care about, but by the time the focus shifts to her, and away from the other crap that came before it, all wees want is Julianne LESS of anything having to do with this movie

JG-L’s production company is called hitRECord.  He should have hit delete on this whole project

Verdictgo:  Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Donna JOn: if I had to say one nice thing about the movie – I would say that it least it had a lot of hot women in it, like…

Antoinette Kalaj

Don Jon sucks tomorrow at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…