Thighs Wide Shut

we don’t really know anything about football, cept we love it slightly more than our parents and beating off. yet that won’t stop us from predicating the upcoming season, like we have for the past 2 seasons. this year we hactually looked at the entire schedule and figured out who would win and lose each game. you’ll see each team’s record forecast next to their name in parentheses. and w/o further Freddy Adu…

NFC East

You’d think that whomever wears the NFC Beast’s (aka the NFL’s toughest division) crown would be tested enuff to have a clear path to the Super Bowl, but don’t tell that to puppet coach Wade Phillips and the crazy talent loaded Dallas Cowboys (13-3), who haven’t won a playoff game since 1996. Last year’s second in command, the New York Giants (8-8), won more road games last year than Cormac McCarthy facing off against Jack Kerouac on a cross-country Parker Bros tournament to make it to, and beyond sirprizingly win the Super Bowl. Well, the Giants are still a good team, even w/o Gap Tooth McGee, but we expect Eli to return to Earth and his errant passes to stop landing on the velcro attached to his receivers helmets, and juss miss the cut for the playoffs. Everyone’s been hyping up the Super Bowl winless Philadelphia Iggles (6-10), but you juss know that either McSnobb or Westbroke or both will incur some kinda injury and prevent something kinda wonderful from happening. Maybe they should juss forget about chasing Lea Thompson’s skirt [NSFW] and juss bang the drums of Mary Stuart Masterson. As for our beloved Washington Redskins (10-6), we never expect much from them any mo, but they have a wild card in their brand spankin new coach Jim Zorn(!!!!!!!). It could be a complete disaster or it could be the miracle that Chief Zee and the rest of the Redskins faithful have been waiting for since 1992. And if the worst happens, we wouldn’t mind seeing the way too slowly developing Jason Campbell get benched in favor of Billy Dee William’s favorite malt quarterback Colt Brennan. Remember kiddies, the last two times the Giants won the Super Bowl, the Skins won the following year

Boo-nus link: we’re looking fwd to more YouTube madness this season from BradyFan83. his bestest work to date is his Daniel Snyder coaching search laff riot titled Who The Hell Should I Hire

NFC North

Does anyone outside of the Great Lakes area care about this division? Didn’t stinks so. They may have the bestest color combos in the league (well, besides the AFC North), but this isn’t Project Runway and none of them are as bangable as Kenley Collins (bi the gay, we totally wantz to remake The Notorious Bettie Page with her, and have to keep shooting multiple takes of all the nekkid scenes [NSFW]). Farve is gone, so this division is up for grabs. Any takers? The Green Bay Packers (7-9) won’t fall apart, but they won’t be as good without the Wrangler Jeans man, and soon they’ll be sorry that they didn’t let him throw the rest of his career’s interceptions at Lambeau (bi the gay part 38238128, dearly departed Sean Taylor intercepted the pass that put Farve alone atop of the all-time list). You don’t hear Jon Kitna making any bold predictions this year about the Detroit Lions (5-11), so it will come down to the Minnesota Vikings (9-7) and Kyle Orton’s neckbeard, aka the Chicago Bears (9-7). They both have sh&tty QBs, but the rest of their squadrons will make up for their shortcomings. The Vikes will edge out the Monsters of Midgay with a slightly better divisional record, and ruin it all by having a sex boat party, with Coach Childress offering mustache rides all night

Boo-nus link: last year for Halloween Kitna dressed up as Lions’ naked Wendy’s midnight running coach Joe Cullen. it’s gonna be hard to top that this year, but might we suggest that he go as former coach Wayne Fontes dressed up like Cobra Commander

NFC South

For some reason, our mouths water like Ricky ever thyme we think of the NFC South. Probably has something to do with the fact that Popeyes comes from New Orleans (11-5) and Bojangles from Charlotte, where the Carolina Panthers (9-7) call home (take that people from South Carolina who root for em!). The Atlanta Falcons (6-10) are surrounded by fine soul food as well, but the teams with the fried chicken and biscuit sangwiche
s will rule our hearts, and this division. Plus they are still reeling from the Michael Vick dog days of summer and the straight up awful quitting of former coach Bobby Petrino. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers (6-10) got Warrick Dunn back and we’ll take that as a sign of them going backwards… right to the cellar of the NFC South. There’s no way Drew Brees will start the season again with 4 straight losses, 1 TD and NINE INTs! They’ll make up for it big time with Deuce back in the hole and Visigoth Jeremy Shockey doing those silly antics that he anticizes so well. Man, are we hungry, but not as hungry as Charles Mann eating a Swanson’s Hungry Man dinner!

Boo-nus link: skip the beer this fall and sip on Bobby Hebert’s Cajun Cannon Cabernet, in the name of charity, of course

NFC West

In the shockers of all shockers, not involving Jeremy Shockey (and Tara Reid), Hank Shocklee, the shocker or the cast of the refarted Wes Craven movie Shocker, the Arizona Cardinals (10-6), on the grocery baggin back of Kurt Warner, will knock the Seattle Seahawks (9-7) off the NFC West throne that they’ve occupied for 4 straight years. The Seahawks are hurtin at WR and have to lean heavily on the RBBC o’ Julius Jones and Maurice Morris. Having one RB with the same letter to begin both his first and last name is one thing, but when you have two, the world may juss explode. Don’t blame me if this happens, cause Nostradamus’ quatrains containing quadrangles said their right quads will rupture and that George W Bush will win a 3rd term and that John Kerry will never look cool throwing or catching a football. And we all know he called that last one right on da money so be careful peoples!!!! Both the San Francisco 49ers (7-9) and the St Louis Rams (6-10) won’t be as shitastic as they were before, but they’ll have to deal with more growing pains than Carol Seaver

Boo-nus link: apparently our main SeaGal Tessa was the last one picked to make this year’s squad. don’t fret Tess, cause yer #1 in our heart(throbbing)

Seeds:
#1 Dallas
#2 Nawlins
#3 Arizona
#4 Minnesota
#5 Redskins
#6 Carolina

NFC Champs: Nawlins over the Cowboys in a high scoring affair

Fantasy Outlook NFC Shazz

Wees Loves: Marion the Barberion, Plax, Michael Turner, Kevin Smith, Nate Burleson, Witten, Chris Cooley and his wife

Wees Hates: McBlabb, anyone on Tampa, Viking & Redskins WRs

Don’t Sleep On These Sleepers From Sleepy’s: DeSean Jackson, Devin Hester, Josh Morgan, Kevin Boss and The Big Sleep

wait, you thoughts we weren’t going to include that hott pic of Meagaggggan Good in a Hooter Uni?

yous thoughts wrongs!

stay pooned for our AFC puddin poptacular!

peeweeviously:

Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

the 2009 Hollyoaks Babes Calendar

or

Katie Downes walking down the street in lingerie

take you pick click

further heavy breathing [SortaSFW]:

mo(an) Gemma Merna
Holly Smokes! (2008 Babes/Hunks Calendar)
2007 Babes Calendar
Rigby Goes Up

further heavy breathing [NSFW]:

Katie Downes Topless And In Heels
Kiss Me Kate
Katie Downes Nude Pictures In Maxim Magazine
Katie Downes Calendar!
Downes & Friends on Boat
Vidcaps from Deuce Bigalo 2: European Gigolo

pee es – why are the Republicans so scary and crazy and crazy boring? is it cause they hate abortions but love killing people with guns? and joe liberman, you’re officially the lamest Jew since Scooter Libby

vote or diet

[Tasty Celeb, NSFW]

further Digbeing on Emma Rigby:

Emma Rigby Takes Some Hot Swimsuit Pictures
Hollyoaks Babes 2007 Calendar
a part of the very first Fap Five
Lady With The Spinning Head

Traitor
A Momentary Lapse of Treason
Trailers & Mo

A Muslim working undercover to thwart terrorism in the name of US security sounds like a purty nifty concept for a movie, and even more so when the story was drummed up by none other than Steve Martin (yes, THAT wild and crazy guy who isn’t so wild and crazy anymo), yet when fleshed out and directed by the dude who wrote The Day After Tomorrow, one doesn’t and shouldn’t expect much from the finished product. Aiming to be a hot topic suspense thriller, Traitor is juss another one of these run of the mill shoot ’em up flicks with a modern message that will likely leave no impression on yer mind, like last year’s Rendition or something as trivial as Vantage Point. Movies like these used to be eggceptable, but with the rise of big explosions and plot lines on television shows like 24 they need even bigger bangs and wordier words in order to leave a mark. Don Cheadle plays the double dealing title turncoat, who is torn between saving our country and listening with an open ear to the righteous ideals of the terrorists he’s supposedly aiding (Saïd Taghmaoui is his friend and link into the group that’s led by the overly hammy Aly Khan). Guy Pearce is the FBI agent, with a southern uncomforting Sawyer drawl, tasked with bringing him down, although he has no knowledge that Cheadle’s actually working for the ‘good guys’. Both Don and Guy’s performances are solid, but they deserve a better movie. His partner, Neal McDonough, is the bad cop of the duo, and delivers his wooden lines as if he were a slightly more polished Paul Walker. The two criss-cross the globe and start to find more questions than answers. Eventually Cheadle will be forced to show his hand, for the safety of Americans and himself. When it does happen, the result is edward james almos laffable. If yer looking for a movie that takes its moral dilemma a lil more seriously, skip this and Netflix the Palestinian suicide bomber flick Paradise Now instead

Curry In A Hurry: while she may not be as sultry as Aishwarya Rai, we still dig on cutie and quality actress Archie Panjabi and would love to receive some jughead from her

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Death Race
Pit Sh#t Stop
Trailers & Mo

Slain and pimple, this movie sizzzzzUcKsZzzZzZZz. So why on earth did an actress of Joan Allen‘s caliber agree to appear in it as a prison warden with the personality of Droopy the Dog, who also produces a TV show of deadly car races featuring her prisoners? Maybe she desperately wants to win an MTV Movie Award for Sneeringist Bitch of the Year, or perhaps it was her mos deepest desire to star in one of those ‘Jason Statham drives a fast car and looks damn cool whilst doing it‘ movies. Whatever the case may be, she can’t breathe any air into this flat tire. Death Race is sorta a remake of the pretty stoopid to begin with Death Race 2000 flick from ’75, which starred David Carradine, Sly Stallone and a host of other eye and thigh candy [NSFW]. The original is beloved in certain circles for its Roger Corman brand o’ campiness (watch this guy bullfight a Toreno), and this new one shoulda embraced that spirit in the form of an homage, instead of farting fromage. Gone is the cross-country Cannonball Run fun, and in its place are a bunch of garden-variety races ran within Joan’s prison walls, complete with 27446 zillion close-ups of Tyrese Gibson doing that scream-cheering ‘aaaaaaaah-yeaaah yo!‘ thing he does in every movie. The whole flick reeks of an 19th rate Running Man, with Statham as the innocent man playing the game by his own rules so he can avoid becoming one of last season’s winners losers. The Ham of Stat’s got a pit crew of other squirrelly inmates, including a man who calls himself ‘Coach’ (Ian McShane, further McShaming his post-Deadwood career) cause Stats need a coach(!), some Hispanic kid, and in one of the worstest screen characters of the year, a Rain Manesque kid who knows a lotta stuff but is retarded but they never say he is but he surely acts like it but isnt cause he’s with it but he’s not so lets juss say he’s socially retarded (Frederick Koehler, aka Chip from Kate & Allie and Jeri Blank’s son on Strangers With Candy, who we love to see get work, but takes 381283832 steps backwards here), and they add nothing but more stupidity to this beyond slit yer eyes out poop-a-thon from the opposite of PT Anderson, Paul WS Anderson (we only wish we had more eyes in which to slit). The only positive thang to come out of all of this is…

Makes Our Hearts Race: Cuban-American model/actress/hotness/future Mrs Thigh
Master Natalie Martinez

Verdictgo: Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous to the Crème de ^Menthe degree

Traitor opens at a theater new Jew today, while we pray that Death leaves them as quickly as possible

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

how in the House of Mirth did we miss the non-denominational non-phenomenon that went on and on and on that went by the nom Celebrity X-Ray Photo/Breast Enhancements? [NSFauxW]