Thighs Wide Shut

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go TWERPS, HOOSIERS, COLONIALS & the two CAA squads!

pootube help from The Thinker, Ad Mich, Guns n Rosenthal, The Fan House & Andre Dawson Lover #1

+ fab BONUS: The Good, The Bad & The Queen‘s 9:30 Club show in em pee three format [d via NPR]

300
What The Dilios?
Trailers & mo

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I loves me some mindless entertainment, but 300 is sain and plimply mindless. If yer as big a fan of HBO’s Rome, as yer beloved Thigh Mizzle is, then you will probably agree that this flick is not even as good as its wurstest episode… and for the record, there hasn’t been one single bad edish of the Lucius Vorenus-Titus Pullo funfest. Many have admitted that there’s no soul, heart or real emotion goings on in this big screen adaptation of this ‘beloved’ Frank Miller graphic novel, but it hasn’t seem to bother them (I guess they were also fans of Tarsem’s The Cell). Well, it bothers the hechinger’s outta me cause all the green/blue screen special effects aren’t the least bit impressive. So if a flick has no core and no shiny outside then it is truly nothing. Not for a lack of trying, but 300 is a total failure when you compare it to the other Frank Miller trip down cinema lane: Sin City [TWS.org review]. So why did Sin City rock and 300 suck my cock? Besides the obvious like the casts and directors 300 tries too hard to be serious that it’s laffabull… shit. It seems more like a dumb comic book movie than a graphic novel film. I was so annoyed by the cocky Spartans that I was secretly rooting for the Persians to webster slaughter them by the end of the first battle. Hell, there was more drama from the Spartans of Michigan State when they took my Terps to the wire at MSG in November than there was in this neverending slo-motion sword and sandal shit pic. But don’t take my word for it. I bet Captain Oveur‘s a big fan.

to sum up, or for those who skipped the first paragraph, 300 is a two hour poor man’s version of this redonkeylessly overproduced Marines commerish from yesteryear…

Unsatisfied with this?: take a look at Jacques-Louis David’s Leonidas an den Thermopylen painting and get da drama that’s missing from 300

Possible Porno Name: Three Humpettes

Apt MPupil3: Sparta’s ‘The Most Vicious Crime‘ [d]

Gettin Graphic: Apparently director Zak Snyder can’t stop adapting, as the long gestating film version of Alan Moore’s classic graphic novel The Watchman is next on his docket

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): I find no merit in the movie, but it’s not a complete zero, but since one-star flicks leo getz the same label as zeros… Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous•

and all apologies go out to Britain’s Amistadish Amazing Grace and Anthony Minghella’s modern day melodrama Breaking & Entering. We saw both of these 8+ mos before they were released in theaters and never got around to reviewing them. There’s a reason why it took so long for them to get to theaters and so I figure that that was reason enuff to not review them. While I’d say each are worth a peep, I’d also have to say that both are underwhelming

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Amy Winehouse•

Bowery Ballroom
March 13th

What is it with brassy UK ladies sproutin up these days like the rats on my block? I haven’t a clue, but unlike the rodents lookin for my fried chicken scraps, I don’t want this pond crossin influx to ever end. Whilst Lily Allen has been wowen our chops for over a year, it’s Amy Winehouse that’s bewitching us like a Bewitched marathon on TV Land for the time being (sorry, but we don’t give 2 massive2shits about Joss Stone). While many try to coronate a queen between these two Mark Ronson backed bitties, I say why choose since both are equally worth enjoying for their own greatnesseses.

I was raised on the oldies of the 50s and 60s and one thing that always bothered me was that no one in today’s modern world can create music that sounded like that golden age. That was of course before I learned that Ms Winehouse stole Doc’s DeLorean in 1955 and traveled to the future to prove me wrong. This girl has the mos classic voice I’ve heard in a long arsed time. Her pipes are so special that it doesn’t even matter much if her songs are any good or not. Rumor has it that she’s in line to do the next Bond theme, which I hope not only comes true, but comes true several times over. That would make her the only other artist to record multiple Bond theme songs since Winehouse’s 60s doppelgänger Shirley Bassey dropped ‘Goldfinger’, ‘Diamonds Are Forever’, and ‘Moonraker’.

Wine’s set at the beyond sold out Bowery show was short, but it was certainly sweet. While she seemed a bit uneasy on stage at times, looking at the floor, forgetting a few lines, she did get the usual tame and lame NYC crowd to get their effin groove in. If that’s not an accomplishment, then I don’t know what is. Anywho, Jenna Maroney was there, and so was Susic Mobbery, who also was at TGTB&TU the night before. To my knowledge, there was no leg humping, although, had I had a few mo beers in me, Jenna‘s legs woulda been humped fo sho!

‘You Know I’m No Good’ [d]

what, you lookin for something from the future and not the past? try this on for thighs

‘One Hell of a Party’ featuring Jarvis Cocker [d]

The Good, The Bad & The Queen
Webster Hall
March 12th
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[muse sick spy]
It goes without saying that Damon Albarn is an effin musical genius. I take that back, cause I want to make sure everyone knows: Damon Albarn is an effin musical genius. Not only would I bone him, but I would also PHONE him! If only I had his number. But seriously folks, Damon is a grade-A artiste, which is almost as tasty as grade-A beef! Everything he touches turns to critical gold, if not popular culture gold. The sorta-still front man of Blur is actually having more success now with his Traveling Wilburyesque side projects than he did with his ye olde fab foursome, aka the bestest thing to come outta England in the 90s, besides me and a case of Walker’s Salt & Lineker crisps. DA is like the Quentin Tarantino of the music world, digging up luminaries of days past and making them shine again. On the last Gorillaz joint, Neneh Cherry and Ike Turner were given new life and with Damon’s latest project, the band without a name, although everyone calls them The Good, The Bad & The Queen, Clash bassist Paul Simonon and Afrobeat founder Tony Allen get their due over.

As an album TGTB&TQ is a spirited and all around beyond solid effort. As a concert, tits exactly like listening to the album, since the gang play it from song one til song end (+ a B-side & and unfinished ditty), but it is not such a rock and/or rolling affair. Those looking to jump around would probably have to wait another night when the Fab Faux take up residency. TGTB&TQ’s show was more like a performance than a concert, which is purty much how I felt about the Apollo Gorillaz shows last year. One blizzoger said it breast, ‘The crowd was more impressed with who was on stage rather than the music itself.‘ Regardless of the rump shakenlessness and sorta-lameness of the crowd, the show ruled, juss like it’s ringleader. Can’t wait to see what Alban has up his sleeve next go around cause I’ll be there with bells on and cows on and most likely cowbells on!

‘Kingdom of Doom’ [d]

what, you lookin for an album that gives TGTBTQ a run for bestest of 2007? try this on for thighs

‘Young Folks’ [d]

Jill Cunniff
Mercury Lounge
March 11th

Although Austin’s annual South By Southwest music eggstravaganza sounds like the grandest event of the year, I doubt I’ll ever go. It’s not that I have anything against rockin out with my cockin out in the great state of Tejas, but there’s this thing called the NCAA Tourney that commences over the same weekend, and lettuce be honest, it trumps everything, including HJs, BJs, and seeing The Zico Chain in some sweaty bar! Anywho, lucky number slevin for me that a lot of these bands and musicians stop by NYC before heading south by southwest (ha!). Over the next three nights, I’m catching three of these acts, starting with ex-Luscious Jackson lead Jill Cunniff

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I cannot pinpoint when I fell in love with Jill Cunniff, but I can tell you that its been a love that has lasted almost 15 years, and a love that will last another 15 years, if not 1,500 years! While I’ve basically been out of the Luscious Jackson loop since their ’96 release Fever In Fever Out, I’ve never forgotten the hottness that is JC. And after catching one of her first solo gigs, at the Merc, I muss say that this mother of two is hottier than ever. Even hottier than Pat Summitt AND your moms!

Jill is not only hot, but she’s got the voice of an angel… the HOTTIEST ANGEL MT EVEREST!!! While her singing chops defined the sound of Luscious Jackson, Luscious Jackson did not define her. Take away the phat beats, as she did with then keyboardist Vivian Trimble for the side project Kostars and their one fab album Klassics With A ‘K’, and you will see who’s the most luscious of them all! Well, 12 long years after that side project, Jill finally has dropped her first solo album, the simple, fun and breezy City Beach. While most may find it all too mellow, I say give it a try, I say that you should say HELLO!

‘Happy Warriors’ [d]

what, you want something juss as simple, but with mo beats?
try this on for thighs

‘Starz In Their Eyes’ [d]

Oh, you wanted to know about the show? She was hot and so were her tunes. I want to make love to her and I want to make love to her music. And since tits impossible to make love to music I guess I’ll settle on making love while her music plays in the background!