we way no longer Hungray, and totally Czeched out of Krtekland, and it was off to our final destination in our European holiday…

Vienna

first thing first, Vienna is actually named Wien, as in hot dog Wieners

https://www.instagram.com/p/BAPjkDgG39A/

or as in Wienerschnitzel (the city is HOME to it, duh)

https://www.instagram.com/p/BAQRN4uG33G/

but not as in Tafelspitz or Mark Spitz

wonder if they have an AM radio station called 1010 Wiens.  anywho, Wien is in Austria, which shouldn’t be confused with Australia

https://www.instagram.com/p/BAT91X2m37C/

and it never would, with such an awesome language in use like German!

https://www.instagram.com/p/BAPRM6BG35r/

although ‘Gloria’ is a beautiful song in ANY language

https://www.instagram.com/p/BASe9ZSG38N/

but not sure what Chuck sauce is like in any language

https://www.instagram.com/p/BAReP3UG35U/

but pizza in every language is ‘pizza’ (although we didn’t have pizza in Europe, cause why would we??)

https://www.instagram.com/p/BAS-ACIG33W/

cause when in Wien, do as the Wieners do – #Wienning

https://www.instagram.com/p/BASvsq7G372/

and talk to random German and Swiss dudes

https://www.instagram.com/p/BAQSBv4m34x/

and kiss yer wife, cause you can’t stand how beautiful she is

https://www.instagram.com/p/BAR05doG35v/

and pick on someone not your own size

https://www.instagram.com/p/BAQAeLjm31L/

and be like The Third Man and ride that ye olde Ferris Wheel

https://www.instagram.com/p/BAQBgrcm33D/

and know nose where to find one of your favorite painter’s work!  BLESS YOU GIUSEPPE ARCIMBOLDO!!!!!!!!

https://www.instagram.com/p/BASKbDNm30L/

now Wien doesn’t have Eastern European charm like Hungary and Czech Repub do, but Austria never had to deal with all that standing in line for bread and sharing stuff.  it remained a cosmopolitan place, for centuries, and remains so

where they have palatial palaces!!!

with selfie points – how modern!

round we go!

too even more schmancy cafés!

https://www.instagram.com/p/BARk7i_m3yH/

and schmancy chocolatiers!

and to one of the most unique structures I’ve ever seen - KunstHausWien – a museum created by the artist himself - Friedensreich Hundertwasser!!!!!!!!!

https://www.instagram.com/p/BAPtJ9aG3_t/

tiley smilerus!

even the bathrooms are funky fresh!

and he also designed other buildings that aren’t his own museumz!!!

 

like the Hundertwasserhaus

it’s like a Smurf village for humans!!

but everything we did wasn’t juss fatrsy artsy culture stuff

of course we hit up grocery stores to see what was a brewin’

although we actually did try this – Almdudler –  which is basically Austrian ginger ale – and once bitten, forever smitten

and apparently gefilte aint just for fishes.  it’s a thing, but I guess they go with the less Jewish ‘gefüllte’ which translates to ‘stuffed’.  but however it’s spelled, I’m g’scared of anything gefilted/gefüllted

then it was off to check out the famous Naschmarkt 

where there’s kraut by the barrel!!!

oh, you think we forgot to go to McDonalds, and McLook at their McMenü?

or miss seeing the Doc Brown Opera - 88 Meilen pro Stunde????

so long Austria, and Europe – never lose that old world Epcot charm, or the MUSTaches

we were stuffed and no longer Hungray, then decided to Czech out…

Prague

the city is actually called Praha, but is somehow called Prague.  never quite understood why we change the names of places that already have a name, but I didn’t invent English, and am happy that most people in big cities around the globe speak English, so I no complainsz.  also makes ordering McDonalds much easier

yep, McDonalds.  me and the wife broke down and had to try their fried cheese balls.  and Burger King’s too!!!  AND THEY WERE ha-mazing.  not sure why these aren’t sold in America(/Philadelphia), considering we love cheese AND fried things!!!

https://www.instagram.com/p/BAFnz-OG33A/

in the same mall eatery there was a place that grabbed our attention

but the finger food didn’t grab out appetite

so American that Bay Watch plate!!!  (it’s about $4)

sadly Czech people don’t speak and spell like Hungarians, so no szósz here :(

https://www.instagram.com/p/BAF8GHfm34o/

but they do have their own fun-named foods

and strange candy that isn’t really all that strange

and unbelievably beautiful and tasty breads

https://www.instagram.com/p/BANrx__G32f/

and some sort of cheese bread thing!!!

and meats meats meats!!! like this meat platter at the lovely Café Savoy!

and four of the best things I ate on my trip (AND IN LIFE!!!!) were from Prague…

cabbage pancakes from Mlejnice!!

https://www.instagram.com/p/BAIm4QjG36o/

steak tartare on toast!!!

+ wide noodles in mushroom sauce, both from Vinohradský parlament!!! 

https://www.instagram.com/p/BANEi8-G32I/

and even their movie posters are cool cause they’re not in English!

https://www.instagram.com/p/BAJk0cJm34f/

where inspiration can be found for one and all, right Wes?

https://www.instagram.com/p/BAOmIkQm3yk/

and we made new friends…

like graphic designer Pavel!!

https://www.instagram.com/p/BAKj_o-m3yl/

who designed this amazing poster that hangs in my abode!!!!!!!!

and a cartoony creature that now rivals Chip n’ Dale for our hearts…

Krtek / Krteček!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok, we done here, Czech please!

me and Thighs Wife went to Budapest/Prague/Vienna for New Years thyme.  guess what?  it was great, and you should go too, just prepare not to eat many vegetables, or see people drink water.  They seem to only drink beer or really strong coffee, but if you’ve been to Europe, you know this.  anywho, gonna break the adventure up by city, into 3 separate posts, so up first is…

Budapest

Everything about Budapest is steeped in the past – either from the monuments they erected in their millennial anniversary of 1896, or during the times of Nazi occupation, followed by the drab architecture of red Communism – and the look and feel of the city shows all this wear and tear.  While they do have Starbucks, this place retains a certain iron-curtained charm that the world now gets to peek behind

https://www.instagram.com/p/_633IlG3xA/

the city is split into two by the river Danube – the hilly Buda to the west and the flat Pest to the east.  if you go, stay in Buda, and stay at the Hilton in the Castle District.  you’ll wake up to the best view ever.  EVERRRRRRRRRRRR!!!

https://www.instagram.com/p/__0c_aG36q/

and yer literally in a castle or castle district or something!

and it’s amazing, day or night

and they have statues with giant awesome szósz mustaches

what’s ‘awesome szósz’?  it’s awesome sauce, but since the word for sauce in Hungarian is ‘szósz’ – it’s awesome szósz.  got it?

https://www.instagram.com/p/BADiQA7G31O/

btw – if you want to get to know a culture, seeing art and buildings is a good start, but so is visiting a super market.  in Hungary, since all ‘s’es have a ‘z’ after em, it’s called a szupermarket.  also – anything that has a ‘z’ in it, is followed by an ‘s’.  confuszing.  iszn’t it?

https://www.instagram.com/p/_7VGwLm3zo/

but they muss import their pizzas, otherwise this would be called ‘Pizszsa Guszeppe’, no?

and who doesn’t want corn with their salami pizza??

speaking of salami – they love it.  at their central market, every other stall sells salami.  the other stalls sell paprika and dried fruits

what else did we eat?

CHIPS ON A STICK!!

https://www.instagram.com/p/_9tream3-K/

chimney cakes called kürtőskalács!!!!!

https://www.instagram.com/p/_9nxKfG37Z/

cheese bread delicious things called Lángos, which will have you lángosing for more of dem as soon as you finish eating one

https://www.instagram.com/p/BAE36bKG34n/

chicken wrapped in cheese and bacon!!

https://www.instagram.com/p/BACe2DvG31t/

and of course we were going to eat goulash!!!!  and it lives up to its goul-lashy reputation!!!  I want to make shoes of em and call em goulashes!!!

and of course we went to McDonalds – cause you always HAVE to go to McDonalds in a foreign country to see what’s on their menu – like Falatkák!!  (plus it’s the only place guaranteed to have fountain sodas, and ice)

 

and then we did this thing called Eat & Meet where you go to this apartment and this nice young Hungarian lady and her parents make you a multi-coursed meal and get you drunk on wine and pálinka, and you meet random travelers from around the globe doing the same thing yer doing.  SUPER AWESOME-SZÓSZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

https://www.instagram.com/p/BADa9T7G31O/

and we drank all these foods down with a hot cup of hot wife!!!

https://www.instagram.com/p/_9qXZdm3z5/

OK, time for a quick break

and onto sightseeing!!!

no ben, all parliament – which is as beautiful on the inside, as it is on the outside

and paid respect to the great Synagogue

https://www.instagram.com/p/BAEpudsm3xI/

and went to da Zoo

https://www.instagram.com/p/BACyuWeG31M/

where we found the missing link between chimp and man

https://www.instagram.com/p/BAC3zXXm3xu/

and went to da Opera house

https://www.instagram.com/p/BAA8lVJm3-P/

and watched people ice skate in front of a faux castle thing!

https://www.instagram.com/p/BACfPWFG32o/

and had schmancy coffee at this schmancy cafe

https://www.instagram.com/p/BAA-6QTm3zu/

and checked out a schmancy ye olde movie theater

https://www.instagram.com/p/BAAY4smG3_j/

and brought in the new year at a schmancy restaurant in the castle wall thing!!

https://www.instagram.com/p/_-it6zm31D/

and went to the opposite of a schmancy bar – called a ‘ruin pub’, which is like a former dump hole, turned into a super awesome szósz bar!!!  the one we went to was called Szimpla Kert, and it was szimply amazsing!!!

https://www.instagram.com/p/BAASwk0m395/

and the best thing we did?  the thing locals AND tourists all do – go take a bath!!!

https://www.instagram.com/p/BADd1RXm370/

we will never go hungry again, but we’d totally go to Hungary again, even if a lot of the food looked like this!!!!!!!

I gay for the bay!

no US city has views like this!!!!

always gotta hit up the touristy sites

I’ve got nothing but love and HAIGHT (that pun will never not be awesome) for this city

where the streets have names, and are curved, for everyone’s pleasure

https://instagram.com/p/8EHvzHm38T/

did the Jewish slaves erect this one too?

the Coppolas own this sweet a$$ building

this Palace is a hotel!

lets try 8 mini beers!!

but will I pass the test????

or get knocked out?

https://instagram.com/p/8EYPrBG38g/

or catch on fire?

https://instagram.com/p/8CwbvFm3-2/

but the drinks aren’t the only thing that be loaded

and who doesn’t want their salad tossed and dressed in front of their own eyes?

https://instagram.com/p/8E8Us8m35Q/

I went NUTS for mini donuts!!!

https://instagram.com/p/8H2wGLm32p/

you can smell this, right?  or at least my farts from it, right???

sorry if the puns feel old, and that I’m phoning it in

but things are on the rise, out there in the Napa Valley

where the wine flows like overpriced restaurants

and where the only storms are castle storming

and all the rooms have views

and all the hills have (my) eyes

what, you think I was going to the SF area and do zero Zodiac zsleuthing???

didn’t find Z, but did go to Lake Berryessa, where those poor kids were stabbed 46 years ago

place was super creepy & quiet… I was actually a little bit frightened

but me & the Mrs survived, and rode another vacation off into the glorious sunset

–

perv-iously

Old Bay Seasoning

A Fine Line Between Love And Haight

for the annual Bloomington, Indiana trip, the crew tried something a little different – visit at a time when our ballz won’t freeze, and lemme tell you, it was MARVVVVELOUS!!!!!!!

and empty!!! (I actually played ball there!)

and scenic with a ‘K’, like skenik! (don’t tell anyone we were on the roof)

and there were signs!

in neon too!

and cheap fried things!

and learning!

and 80s Star Wars – in German!!

and dudes with snakes on their neck!!

and MUST-staches!!!!

and dudes juss as cool w/o staches!!!

and bears with boobs that are hot, and off-putting at the same time

and great times, and even greater food

can you smell the farts?

CAN YOU???

you can’t do better than this America!

yep, I filled them holes

and yep, grease is the word, and grease poured out of my butt

bacon anyone?

and Long Island Iced Tea anyone?  warning – you should not drink this, unless you’re a college student and looking to black out in 10 minutes

and yep, the Nats represent everywhere

and Mark Cuban never forgets life before sharks and tanks and being a rich douche

https://instagram.com/p/6az1pfm35T/?taken-by=thighmaster

you’re #1, we’re all #1!!

like what you see?

https://instagram.com/p/6bU05sm35t/

and so concludes #RanchFarts2015

–

previously…

2014 – The Union Forever

2013 - Thighwalker Ranch Farts

2012 - Unhidden Valley Ranch Farts

2011 - Ranch DuBois

2011 - #RanchFarts2011

2009 - Herman B. Wells That Ends Well

2008 - Ranch Sauce Farts Part 6 Meets Police Academy Part 6

2008 - Bloomingtales

2007 - Village (Pantry) Idiot

2006 - College of Arts & SciencesCollage of Farts & Appliances