Thighs Wide Shut

Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
Sithing Thru The Rubble To Find Gold
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So what if I tore Sith a new arsehole on my first tour of doodie? Aren’t I allowed to see it again, sans the pressures of opening night bananasnessness, whilst checking my prejudices and preconceived notions, potions, and lotions at the door? And why am I even bothering to pose questions, when I answer to no one, cept maybe my bosses, Jesus, and Papa & Mumsy Thigh Master? Copy, Right? DataWhat? Sugar, Mr Poon? Free of any more queries, I am happy to report that after my round 2 viewage I’m elevating this from ‘Not Awful’ to ‘Worth A Peep’ status (although you’ll still be able to find the olde negative one on the pull-down menu on yer lower left hand side).

So why the sudden shift in opinion? My sudden shift in opinion all has to do with the how this Episode fits into the grand scheme of things with the other 5. Sure, we don’t learn anything new here, but it helps to solidify, what is in my mind, the mos remarkable myth & legend of our (ms) modern age. And whether you or I like it or not, these three new episodes are dunn and in the can, and there aint no turning back… unless of course these rumors on the interwebs about Episode Zero are true. Now I haven’t had the pleasure of re-watching New Hope thru ROTJ since, but I did re-viddy Eps I & II over the Mammoryial Day Tweakend and have a new fondness for them booth. I can’t bee leave I just typed the words ‘fondness’ and ‘Eps I & II’ in the same SENTENCE, but tits true!! All the stoopid and seemingly tedious politics that bogged down the first two were all juss a giant set-up for the big payoff: the greatest coup and rise of a dictator since Hitler took over the watermelon industry. Plus it was great to get rid of all those meaningless Penis-Head Jenkins Jedis and to see how Ani morphed into Darth… even if it seemed he made his decision to join the dark side in all of 3.1 seconds.

1) The over usage of dinosaur-type creatures. They make too much noise, look too fake, and I think the world’s seen enuff Jurassicfication in movies.

2) Anything coming out of Mace Windex’s mouth. SLJ is a gifted actor, but not a gifted Jedi. Boo.

3) General Grievous, who was about as menacing and cutting age as Johnny Five.

4) You stick us with Jar-Jar for 2 movies, yet you don’t even give him ONE LINE in the last one??? I guess Lucas made up for it on the not so spiffy special edition of ROTJ when the very last line uddered is ‘Weesa Free!!’ Seriously, it is.

5) Enuff with the fat blue dudes and skinny chicks with tentacles coming out of their heads.

6) Words I never wanted Yoda to ever say: ‘Chewbacca’.

7) Apparently in his old age, R2-D2 retired from flying, jumping out of planes, shooting oil, shooting fire, and catching things. Good, cause he should only be allowed to shut down things, show hologram movies, retrieve schematics, shoot light-sabers from his head, and fix the hyper-drive on the Millennium Falcon.

8) Love for Mon Mothma, but none for The Admiral? Sounds like it’s A TRAP to me!!

9) Enuff already with the Asian stereotyping. I was juss waiting for Nute to appoint General Tso as Supreme Vince Chancellor.

10) This could never end, so please insert your complaints here.

And for the record, Phantom Menace, void of all Jar² Binksedness, is a far superior flick wheneth compared to Attack of the Clowns. Don’t agree? Remember how umcredible Qui-Gon Jinn & Darth Maul were? Or how white-hot Keira Knightley was in white-face, when she wasn’t even a blip on anyone’s radar? Probably not, cause yer too busying trying to figure out why the fork Count Grandpa and the Techno Union eggsist, or where you can buy one of those cable-knit sweaters that Jimmy Smits rox!! Or how bout the ‘plot’? Oh yeah, the 2nd one didn’t have one. It was basically: Ani has boner for Padme, Padme resists, Ani slices apple with force, Padme lets Ani force himself on her, Padme gets shirt ripped (probably the next hottiest Star Wars moment next to Leia wearing Jabba’s Secret brand metal lingerie), Boba’s dad’s super sperm creates CGI headaches for audiences, and apparently bug people fart when they talk. And tisn’t it about thyme we all give lil Jake Lloyd a break? He was a kid playing a kid. What do you want him to do? Throw away his space Legos and stop hanging out with mini-Greedo? He was good enuff. Good enuff considering the lines Lucas was feeding him. At least he didn’t look like he was left in the dryer for 14 hours like Yoda did in Ep I. And don’t even get me started on female Yoda…

Recommended for those who like: space operas filled with bubbles, a silent Sio Bibble, and this.

Possible Porno Name: Star Holes III: Whip It Out & Sith It In!

Unsatisfied with this? You shouldn’t be. I changed my mind and you can too!

Everyone have a killah weekend, but whatevs u do, DO NOT see Lords of Dogtown. I’ll eggsplain it all next week. Until then, the balcony is clothed.

• Lohag to star in Mission Impossible 3?!?!??!?! Although none of the MI movies have been remotely watchable, this call makes about as much sense as letting the dude who makes Mad Libs write the sequel to Homer’s The Odyssey, or choosing KFC fried chicken for a picnic over Popeyes, or sitting down to watch UPN for 3 straight hours of programming, or going to college to actually learn things, or beating off to Rosie O’Donnell playing a retard. Have I made my point clear? If this ever happens, Satan has won. [via Defamer]

• Did you know that I attended the ELEVENTH BEST HIGH SCHOOL IN THE COUNTRY! EAT THAT LOSERS WHO KANT SPELLS OR USAGES GRAMER CO-erect-LEE!!! ROCKET PRIDE & ROCKET POWER FOREVER BIZATCHESZZ!! [via the I-Train]

• Coldplay set to bore 36 cities

• Talk bout doing a 180, Marty Freedawg gonna follow Hitchhiker’s with Anthony Minghella’s latest, Breaking And Entering, co-starring Jude Law (whom I’d love as my own personal cole slaw)

• Orlando B(l)oo learned how to act from lizards. Explains why he’s so boring, but not why he refuses to star in a movie that takes place in the 20th or 21st century.

• Hayden Christensen, NOT gay?

• Who knew Borat loved the Knicks and chilled with Sandler? And good luck Timmy R trying to follow-up what Ali G did last year.

• Apparently Jim Henson’s crew wants to scare the crap outta me again! Speaking of, cant wait til Six Feet Under returns this summer.

• Will the US Open’s blue courts cause blue balls? I dunno, but I bet she’s caused many o’ cases of them!

• Z is for trailer

• Behold, the new and improved WhiteStripes.com. I hear if you visit it each day, you’ll keep the doctor away and the Kip at bay.

• Duran squared to get all orchestrated.

• The fine peoples that brought you Slice are done with za and have moved on to bigger and better burgers with A Hamburger Today. Hopefully they’ll do an international version as I’m dying to know how the burgers of Calais taste!

• Saving Adrmiral Ackbar & this & this!

• Tickets for the Digable Planets show @ Irving Platz are on-sale. Who’s in? [via The Vegan]

• Jeopardy! is looking for the next Ken Jennings Pam Mueller in the following cities: NYC, Philly, Memphis, & Bostonia.

• SexySlumberParty.com [SFW], a part of probably the most decent Simpsons‘ episode I’ve seen/the only episode I’ve sat thru in 2 years! [All Thangs Christ]

• A Pringles Flagship Store in Times Square?

• This will make you feel pathetic

• The world’s largest building made of Lego pieces? [via Cubicle Hater]

• Lion Mutilates 42 Midgets in Cambodian Ring-Fight [via the midget source, Zach de la Roachclip]

• ALMOST as much fun as watching someone play Burger Time [via K to the P]

• Nuttin beats an internets site choc fulla animated gifs of women beating up people, sometimes utilizing their thighs. [via T Gunzzzzzz]

• And nobody tears up the Côte d’Azur like mees and my’s crew!! Sorry yer missin’ out on all the fun Cuthy, but after taking part in these brat-wurstestest photos of all’sthymer, I had no choice but to leave you at home.