Thighs Wide Shut

After 38 delicious episodes, spread out over four regal 4 seasons, and containing more spread legs than a Busby Berkeley production number, The Tudors reign has finally come to an end (for the second time!).  we salute you teamy dreamy Tudors, for you far superior infotainment and endless JO matz [NSFW], which never really seem to catch on to a humongous audience like it should have.  if you didn’t catch on, it’s truly yer loss, cause nuttin beats the combo of history and boobs, well, besides water and boobs.  for no better reason than to show some pics of hot chicks in corsets and crazy hood ornaments, we decided to rank Henry VIII’s six TV wives in order of royal thighness best/breastness to wurst/dogfacednessness.  enjoy

1)  Anne Boleyn | Natalie Dormer

she was crazy… crazy sexy foxy!!!  and made King Henry do things he probably shouldn’t have, but she did give us Queen Elizabeth the I, and gave I, calluses on my hand.  is ‘Dormer’ Spanish for ‘to give boners’?

2) Jane Seymour | Annabelle Wallis

Henry found a perfect wife in Jane, as she was mad slammin’, and in turn gave him what he always wanted: a BJ every 20 minutes a male heir. she was originally played in season 2 by the fetching Anita Briem, but was replaced by the even more fetch f fetching Annarungmybelle bangagainstaWallis

3) Catherine Parr | Joely Richardson

dearly departed Natasha Richardson was always the family hottie, leaving sis Joely solely in the background, but that doesn’t mean for a second that her talents aint on PARR with any other actress out there.  she brought humility to Henry’s court, without baring any breasts.  sometimes hotness doesn’t need to disrobe.  shocking, but true!

4) Katherine Howard | Tamzin Merchant

Katherine Howard was a floozy, and Tamzin Merhcant-Ivory played her as such.  she kinda looks like she’s 12 and she kinda doesn’t look so hot in our book, at least when compared to her lover Thomas Culppeps

5) Anne of Cleves | Joss Stone

Jossy done did well in her thankless role as the wife of Henry that he agreed to marry without ever meeting.  turns out she didn’t turn him on.  guess he thought the ‘Cleves’ in her name meant ‘totally wicked set of cleavage’.  if the internets were around in Anne’s time, there woulda been a search engine called ‘Ask Cleves’

6) Queen Katherine of Aragon |Maria Doyle Kennedy

Henry had every right to dump her frumpy a$$ for Anne Bone-lynn, although the fruit of their union, daughter Mary (Sarah Bolger), was the mos adorable character in the series

honorable non-Queen hotness/mentions: Anne Stanhope, Brigitte Rousselot, Princess Margaret Tudor, Lady Jane Howard, Ursula Misseldon and Lady Elizabeth Darrell, who had THE single greatest NSFW moment of the entire series, where a dude was feeling her up against a tree, and then, for the sake/benefit of the audience, turned her nekkid body towards the camera.  gawd save the King, and gawd bless The Tudors