Gone Girl
Desperate Housewife
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 149 min

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Gone Girl the movie is thankfully no Gone Baby Gone

Along for the ride are his annoying screen sister (Carrie Coon), his crafty lawyer (Tyler Perry’s Madea‘s Law Firm), and Doogie Howser, playing against type, as a character who is not a child prodigy doctor + apparently Ben Affleck’s penis, and this girl, who’s boobs aren’t gone, they HERE!!!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Gone Girl is found at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

To The Wonder
Days of Unleavened
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 112 min

A couple, deep in love, ascend the castle mount of France’s majestic Mont Saint-Michel.  They hold hands, caress, kiss, stare at each other’s beauty, the man-made beauty of the castle, and the heavenly nature-made beauty of their tidal surroundings.  The music swells, the cameras swooshes by, she runs wild on the sand, glowing under the wide open sky, and the eyes of god?  Repeat, repeat, repeat.  Wow, we’re at the very beginning of Terrence Malick‘s next poetic masterpiece… right???  Well…

Well, the couple (Ben Affleck & Bond Girl Olga Kurylenko) decide to leave Europe for the friendly suburban plain planes of America, where he does environmental land things.  Guess what, the caressing, kissing, staring, music swelling, and camera swooshes crossed the ocean with them (although the running wild on sand has been replaced by running wild thru wheat fields).  Repeat, repeat, repeat.  But then after they settle in, maybe he’s no longer that into her as she is into him.  The caressing and kissing are replaced by arms being thrown up in the air in disgust, and the staring is no longer the kind kind, and yet the music still swells, and the camera continues to swoosh.  Her visa is up, and he doesn’t marry her, so she has to go home (with her daughter.  we coulda mentioned her earlier, but the daughter doesn’t matter).  He then meets Rachel McAdams (apparently again, although it’s not clear that they’ve met before) and so he’s found a new lady to caress and kiss and stare at, all while the music swells and the camera swooshes.  New she doesn’t like to run thru wheat fields as much as the old she did, but she certainly still loves wheat fields. Repeat, repeat, repeat.  But then the original she comes back into the picture/America so new she goes bye bye, and then he and old she are doing a combo of caressing, kissing, staring and throwing their arms up in the air in disgust, while the music swells and the camera swooshes by.  That’s basically the movie – one long montage of what we juss described, on endless repeat repeat repeat repeat.  Oh wait, forget to mention that Javier Bardem was in this too.  He plays a priest who has like lost his way, kinda like the old she has, and they’re both trying to find their way back, to god, and themselves, and stuff.  Or something

What actually is going on, or transpired, or whatever ever To The Wonder is is anyone’s guess (some say it has to do with the disintegration of Malick’s own marriage to a European lady).  There’s barely any dialog, mostly lyrical narration, and this spiritual meditation babble gets plopped on top of the swelling music and camera swooshes, and guides the viewer further away from understanding.  Look, this kinda stuff was fine when it was in Tree of Life, cause things happened in Tree of Life, like Bradd Pittt saying ‘hit me‘, and death, and dinosaurs, and the creation of earth, AND STUFF, but when you try to use the same GORGEOUS cinematography against a movie of nothing but caressing and kissing and then not caressing and not kissing and lots of running thru wheat fields it doesn’t really do anything for anybody.  It juss becomes one of those Koyaanisqatsi Powaqqatsi Naqoyqatsi movie things, which aren’t really movies, but juss long montages set to the music of Philip Glass.  That’s what this feels like – pretty images with pretty music with pretty much no point.  Look, there won’t be another film in 2013 as beautiful as Malick’s To The Wonder, but beauty doesn’t make a movie.  If I wanted to look at empty beauty, I’d head to my nearest breastaurant

Oh Malick, why did you make such a Terrence Malicky Terrence Malick homage of a Terrence Malick film???  You tried to make like a modern day Days of Heaven in Hell, and ya juss ended up out-Terrence Malicking yerself.  But hey, I’m not really complaining, cause I love that he’s doubled his own output in 8 short years, and has like 99 movies in the pipeline, but are they all going to be these visual poems with no chapters, footnotes, forwards or epilogues??  Maybe time will be kind to To The Wonder, but I have to wonder, wonder what the fcuk that was all about, but for now, God only knows

Verdictgo: kinda pains me to say, but 9reals, this is totes Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Wonders why today in limited release & on-demand

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

WHY DOESN’T THIS EXIST!??!??!?!!!!!!!!

WHY DOES BEN AFFLECK LIES????????

we gave this doc $5 cause tomorrow is today!!!!!!

Argo
A MustAche
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 120 min

Once upon a time, every man had a mustache OR really bad Japanese bidness-man eyeglasses OR both.   These men also wore brown or yellow or orange clothes.  Thanks dog that time is over, but that time makes for awesome movies – Zodiac, Carlos, Munich.  Ben Affleck isn’t a terrible filmmaker, but he is not David Fincher, Olivier Assayas or Steven Spielberg, although he certainly wishes he was

Argo is his Zodiac/Carlos/Munich, but it’s not the 4th head on that Mount Bestmore.  It’s defintley his best movie, but anything’s better than when that guy said the title of the movie in that movie, or that heist movie that was basically Point Break without skydiving, but with dreadful Boston accents

Argo doesn’t take place in Boston.  It takes place in Iran (with a side of DC and LA), when the sh!t went down (when does the sh!t not go down there?).  Some Americans are stuck so Ben Affleck comes up with a plan to get them out by making a movie about making a fake movie to save American mustaches from being shaved

Guess what?  It worked, and this movie feels like it’s 8 minutes long (a good thing) and has about 8 minutes of actual stuff (a not so great thing), but mustaches rule, even if Ben Affleck thinks it rules like Zodiac/Carlos/Munich rules, but it doesn’t.  If you’ve seen Argo but haven’t seen those movies, turn off your computer and make something of yer life

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Argo yourself at a theater near jews

oh, btw,

RORY COCHRANE IS IN THIS MOVIE!!!!!  AND HIS MUSTACHE IS THE BESTETSTESSTT!!!!

 

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Company Men
Recession Unspecial
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Good luck to those who have to sell a movie about people losing their jobs and finding it hard to find a new one on an American public going thru the same exact conundrum.  We go to the movies to escape our daily lives, not to swim in its misery!  That’s the short of John Wells‘ Company Men, a timely taking stock of where we’re at, but really, who wants to pay to see something like this now?  Well, for those who found Up In The Air a lil too chipper and silly (umm, us, and we guess no one else?), Company is a better dose of reality.  It’s a bland reality, and thus, purty much a bland movie, filled with quality actors doing nuttin but sporting frowny faces:  there’s smuggy Ben Affleck, who goes from playing perfect house with Rosemarie DeWitt to the frowny poor house, and then helping to rebuild houses with his frowny jacka$$ brother-in-law Kevin Costner.  And there’s Chris Cooper, a too old to be rehired bloke, who’s smile is more of a frown than his frown is!  Tommy Lee Jones doesn’t even need to emote sadness, as the wrinkles on his face are like a thousand frowns.  Even the company people doing the downsizing, like Craig T. Nelson and Maria Bello, have nothing to smile about.  We’re hactually frowning as we type this!!  Dangs, someone peas get this movie a job!!!

House As A Life:  the house that Ben & Kevin fix up is a lil history all its own!  according to this site… The Captain House was built in 1804-1807. The basement served as a hiding place for the Underground Railroad. The home across the street was the temporary home of the first president of the United States, George Washington during the Revolutionary War. woah!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Men aren’t much Company starting this Friday for 1 week only in NY/LA and then the rest of America in January

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…