Star Wars: The Last Jedi
Poe Man’s Star Wars?
Official Site | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 155 min

There is 1/3rd of Star Wars: The Last Jedi that works – the return of Luke (Mark Hamill, you bearded ham you!), the further innocence and awesomeness of Rey (who doesn’t feel for or want to feel Daisy Ridley?), and the sneering badness of Kylo Ren (Adam Driver, such a little bitch, but such a PERFECT little bitch).  I dug on that Jedi stuff.  Juss that Jedi stuff alone could have made for a thrilling 1 hr 45 minute movie.  BUT, the galaxy always has room for more, More, MORE, and the powers that be feel the need to shove in things that aren’t necessary, or even make sense in the realm of Star Wars, or just plain don’t work.  Here they are.  Splain and imple!  If there are spoilers below, you be spoiled…

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I’m sorry, but I don’t give 9 fcuks about newbie Rose.  She’s the equivalent of a human Ewok, cept that Ewoks are something I’m going to love and remember until I die.  If you don’t think Ewoks are awesome, go screw.  Look, I’m all for equality and having Asian characters, but Rose wilts.  Roses may be red, but I violently say BOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

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And you know who would make a better female player than Rose?  Princess Leia’s real life daughter Billie Lourd, who rightfully gets more screentime in VIII, but they could have done even MORE with her… like make her Princess Leia’s real daughter in the movie!!  SHE’S ROYALTY, IN EVERY SENSE OF THE WORD!  WORD!!

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Poe Dameron is STILL a dumb and terrible name.  The name ‘Snoke’ is worser, but Snoke the character is even worsererer than the name.  He’s bullsh!t Voldemort.  He’s also bullsh!t in general.  He’s also not menacing, not interesting, not important, and nothing I care to ever remember going forward in my life.  In Jedi, he breaks free of his hologram form, but I wish they put the genie back in the bottle, and then threw away the bottle.  I mean, he looks so So SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO dumb.  When they were creating him, did no one on set or in the CGI office be like – hey, Snoke looks pretty dumb.  I mean, he’s not even as crazy/sexy/gross as that dude in RoboCop who gets doused in toxic waste.  MAKE THAT GUY OUR SUPREME LEADER ANY DAY!!!  

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The First Order red guards were cool, but their uniforms look out of place, and a bit familiar – like a cross between Dracula’s armor and whatever this was from this Star Trek: Next Gen ep I’ve never seen

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speaking of fashion, seriously, what’s up with these Imperial hats?  NICE WING TIPS!!!

NOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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our heroes need to find a mysterious code-breaker who is also a gambler.  I know just the guy!  I got so jazzed that this person was going to be Lando… until they decided to NOT bring back Lando and instead bring in Fred Fenster from The Usual Suspects, who was OK, but he wasn’t Lando. Seriously, WTF do we have to do to get Lando back in movies??  If you combined Poe, Finn, Rose and a zillion other pointless newcomers together – they’d still be 939123938228844848 zillion points less cool than Lando is.  LANDO MAKES THINGS HAPPEN.  LANDO IS COOL AS SH!T.  #FreeLando

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look, I’m all for humor in Star Wars, but there’s a little TOO much humor going on in Last Jedi.  But if you ever wanted to see the funniest Star Wars movie ever, well, now it exists!  But c’mon guys, we all love blue milk jokes, but ones with quad-nipples?????  THIS ISN’T MY STAR WARS!!!  MY STAR WARS DOESN’T HAVE QUAD-NIPPLES!!!!

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again, I’m all for equality, but how pointless are the female characters Captain Phasma or whoever Laura Dern’s purple people eater is???  Leia/Carrie is great, but they don’t give her much to do… until they decide that she can fly in space.  WTF???????????????????????

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oh, and remember how incredible the literal CLIFF hanging ending of Force Awakens was?  well, Last Jedi easily has THE very würstest ending of a Star Wars movie ever.  it boarders on this kinda prequel awfulness…

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and finally, it muss be said – Maz Kanata is more offensive to me than Jar Jar Binks is.  Jar Jar is suppose to be stupid.  Maz is supposed to be wise, but is juss stupid.  QUIT THE STUPID STUFF STAR WARS.  Stick to the stuff that works – Jedis and Lando

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Verdictgo:  jury is still out in my brain, so for now…  inconclusive 

Jedi aint the last anything, at a theater near jews and white nationalists…

Somewhere
Found In Native Tongue
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Is it OK if directors repeat themselves?  Depends on the director, and depends if the previously rolled joint is worth re-sparking.  Aronofsky’s Wrestler paved the same beaten down road that his Black Swan walked along, and while both are similarly themed, they each stand tall on their own merits (AND stinkin badges!!).  So how about Sofia Coppola basically reworking her (overrated) Lost In Translation into a fractured father-daughter relationship story set against the bright lights and big citydumb of LA’s Chateau Marmont (no virgin to the screen!) & other lush locales??????  We’re sure you’ll disagree, but we liked the round 2 version, Somewhere, much more than we did round 1!!!! Maybe it’s cause Tokyo’s too Japanese or that ScarJo scarblows or Translation juss wasn’t that wonderful a trifle as everyone made it out to be.  Somewhere isn’t the be all, cee all and end all, and Stephen Dorff aint no Bill Murray, but Elle Fanning = elles yea times like 2999290403030!!!!!!!!!  Move over Dakota, cause yer sister is the new moon eclipsing your secret life of bees wax!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Come to think of it, Ms Fanning delivers the first real memorable female performance in any of Sofia’s films.  Sorrry, Dunsty, but we don’t remember much about The Virgin Suicides other than the soundtrack by Air, and the same goes for whatever was goings on in the pointlessly anachronistic Marie Antoinette (we upchucked on yer inclusion of Chuck Taylors!!).  Come to think of it again, Sofia’s flicks are all atmosphere and no physical sphere, and that’s hactually fine by us, cause it works for once in the nowhere bound Somewhere!!  It’s kinda like Entourage w/o an entourage (although we get some visits from Chris Pontius, Ellie Kemper, Michelle Monaghan, Alden Ehrenreich & Benicio Del Toro), meets The Royal Tennenbaums, minus 2 siblings and the twee ‘tude + Dakota Fanning’s sister + the guy who was suppose to be the next Christian Slater who was suppose to be the next Jack Nicholson, but they both wasn’ts!!  And the soundtrack rox!!!  Bet you didn’t see that one coming!!!

Back to Fanning!!!!  Oh my oh my my my my my, she is beyond a delight here!!!  A revelation if you will.  A revelation even if you won’t!!!  All she wants is her father’s love and attention, and the guy’s more jaded than a woman named Jade wearing jade earrings while watching the movie Jade for the 281819th time!!  And guess what, the Elle bell gets screen daddy Dorff to break out of his funk, crack a smile, enjoy life, and be an a daddy who cares for once!!  If she can make the Dorfster character care, then you’ll find yerself caring too!!

There was a perfect moment for the film to end, when father & daughter are in a very happy place, basking in the sun poolside, but the movie decides it needs to keep going, somewhere, anywhere, and yet nowhere near as good as that moment.  Oh well moment!  So where does Sofs Coppola go after this?  Same place or somewhere else?  Don’t care, as long as Elle Fanning is the co-pilot

Pole Position: woooowzeerrss!!!!  so much hotness in one movie, from our coast to other people’s coastsests!!!!  where to start?  where to end???

The Shannon Twins

[NSFW] (& their award worthy pole dancing!!!)

Lauren Hastings

Nicole Trunfio

Libby Mintz

Verdictgo:  mos def Jeepers Worth A Peepers, but Elle’s performance almos makes us want to tag it Breast In Showness!!!! ALMOS!!

Somewhere goes to some select cities this Wednesday

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

ELLES YEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!