Thighs Wide Shut

No Strings Attached
No Frills Attached Neither
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

We somehow survived whatever piece of $hit Garry Marshall’s Valentine’s Day was.  We never even thought we’d ever need to think about that putrid eye and ear sore again, but then another Ashton Kutcher rom-com came a calling, and well, we had to figure out if the new one was the same kind of $hit, a wurser kind or a better kind.  How bout none of a kind?????  That’s cause Ashton Kutcher as an actor is a joke that’s beyond no longer funny.  Had his role in No Strings Attached been played by someone else, even someone basic and whatevs like Bradley Cooper or Josh Lucas, then maybe it could have worked.  Wait a second, what the f%&k are we saying???  No Strings Attached doesn’t work cause there’s zero drama, originality and moist importantly, a romance we can all get behind and swoon over, regardless of how dumb it is (spoiler: guess what, the meaningless sex DOES have meaning!).  Yet somehow we didn’t hate this movie, but that’s probably juss cause it’s not Valentine’s Day II, and we didn’t have to watch Ashton Kutcher go toe 2 boo with Jennifer Garner again

There are many great mysteries in this world, and you can now add ‘why did Natalie Portman agree to star opposite Ashton Kutcher in a movie???‘ to that list.  No one would question the pairing if this was a charity tennis match, but it’s not, it’s a movie, and Portman juss came off of a brilliant one where she masturbates and is perfect, and Kutcher was in some commercial about a camera or something.  We saw the movie and we still don’t understand how or why Natalie Portman would ever do anything with Ashton Kutcher, professionally or amateurally.   And yet we didn’t hate it.  Maybe cause we got to see such fun actors as Kevin Kline, Olivia Thirlby (remember her???), Lake Bell (even if her face looks like Crispin Glover’s), Mindy Kaling, Ludacris, Abby Elliott, Jennifer Irwin and Cary Elwes not do too much, other than give us other people to look at and listen to that aren’t Ashton Kutcher

There was one name we didn’t mention and that’s ‘actress’ Greta Gerwig.  Yea, Ms Mumblecore isn’t a real actor either and this joke is also starting to get a lil ye olde.  But wait a second, what if Greta Gerwig was Ashton Kutcher’s love interest in No Strings Attached, or in anything for that splatter?!?!?!?!?  Wethinks we’re onto something here!!!  OMG, that would be the mostest perfect union disaster since the Union Carbide Bhopal disaster, but hell, we’d certainly want to see it, and we wouldn’t question anything about it, cause it would be like watching Juliette Lewis acting with a clone of herself!!!  Somebody call Gus van Sant and get him to make a shot by shot remake of No Strings Attached and have the awkwardness of Gerwig and the stoopidness of Kutcher run amok!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, and Ivan Reitman directed this, and oh, it’s no Kindergarten Cop!!  and none of son Jason‘s movies are Kindergarten Cop neither!!

Lets Have A Krystal Ball!!!: Krystal Ellsworth, ells yea!!!

+ Ophelia Lovibond caught our eye & thigh in Nowhere Boy, and does again in Attached, and now we’re gonna stay attached to her 9ever!!!

Verdictgo: Little To Zero Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Attached detaches today at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…