Thighs Wide Shut

Chi-town, my kinda town. Probably the 6th+ time I’ve been there. It’s like Diet New York, or maybe New York Zero would be more apropos. The people are hella nice. They have a hella lotta Popeyes. And it’s quiet as all effin hella hell, and you know how quiet hella hell is (all dough, their public transit is hella wurstest and hella loud). While the weekend was more rockin than John Rocker eating his Johnny Rocket’s at the Hard Rock Cafe while watching reruns of Roc, there was one major disappointment: I was unable to meet up with Peabs (and Grambs and Grambs bro, and Grambs’ Uncle Tupelo), and thus didn’t get to eat puddin pops outta his anus while screaming John Stossel in his right ear as I stick my CAK airport in his left. Well Peabs, we’ll always have Cambodia. And that foursome with Mrs Garrett and Mindy Cohn. Enuff of the introductory paragraph and on with the snapples!!

sum of my mos flavorite entertainment things took place here:
Vice Versa
Webster
Blues Bros
The Bozo Show (dude, I totally coulda hit all dem buckets)
The Untouchables
anything by John Hughes
anything with John Candy
not Batman Begins

and mos importantly
Adventures In Babysitting
where lil Thor-lovin whore Maia Brewton
hung on to dear life on the vagina building
I loved that movie so much
that I sent a letter to each of the 4 principle actors
I got an autograph snap back from Maia and E Shue
damn you Tony Rapp and Keith Coogan!!

and how could I forget about
Al Bundy & Co

cause I totally wanted love and marriage
back in the day
w/Amanda Bearse

and the AIC
(probs 2nd bestest art musuem in America)
got the points
and gives me mad wood

and the bestest set of Hawks since Spud & Dominique

and frynally
I got my arse out to Wrigley for the first time mt everest!

with Cubs Fan #1
aka Samuel Gompers the MIXLIX
NO DOUBT

wow
the Cubs suck
even from far away

and it was even
SAVE FERRIS BARTMAN DAY

bi the gay

this is what an ‘obstructed view’ looks like

and I think I had 17963636233.4 food comas
thanks to

Lou Mal’s & their fine staff

where Cubs Fan #1
held the greatest rehearsal dinner of balls thyme
many (Dave) moons ago

Billy Goat Tavern
which is Wizard of Boviously home to the Belushi SNL skit
and many heart attacks

and now has a home in DC of balls places

Portillo’s
(cause Wiener Circle & Underdogg were too far away/closed when we were in the area)

and while the h’dogs were a bit bunk
the dipped Italian beef made up for it
and give me the best liquid shits
I’ve had since the Clinton administration

Carson’s The Place For Ribs

I’m sure there are better rib joints
but how can u diss a place that owns the url Ribs.com?

The Rock n’ Roll McDonalds
which was the coolest fast foot joint on earth
wheneth I was a kid
(one day I’ll unearth and scan snaps)
and now is a big overly-commercialized
dump hole
with no rock
and only cinnamon rolls
it’s the food equivalent
of the dumping on my childhood
that George Lucas did
when he released those three things
called prequels

how do you say ‘F&ck You’ in all dem languages?

and they took all the cool arse R ‘n’ R stuffs

and threw em in some side garage thingie

dude, who’s the fake Archie
bonin the fake Betty?

and dude, doesn’t this kinda remind you of the
autopilot from Airplane?

and dude

a white statue would never touch a black statue

and dude
this hard iron bizatch

totally gave me the finest HJ I got
since I never joined the HJ

and I heard a rumor that Lollapalooza was in town
and cause I got the early bird tix for $45 a piece
I didn’t really care to spend too many hours there

although the Raconteurs totally were mint
+ Wolfmother
and Manu Chao
but I don’t think I ever need to see
the Flaming Lips & Gnarls B again
semi-Zzzzzzz inducing
if u bask
me
maybe I’m at the point in life
where I only need to see bands once
unless Jack White’s in em
or yer mother’s in em
cause she sucks
like whatever music you like

bestages part of Lolla
was meeting up with
(sides Irish Ted and AJ Feely)
Zach De La Roachclip
who I hadn’t see in bicentennials

who has killer kicks
DO NOUBT!

then we parted ways
and then he kept calling me
but it was too loud to hear
so I kept yelling into the phone
to text me
but eventually
it was finally quiet
so I called Mr De La Roachclip’s phone
and some girl picked it up
and she’s not Mrs De La Roachclip
but some girl who found his phone
and was drunk enuff to think of the grand idea
to call one of the last numbers dialed
and thus I was reunited with DLR’s phone
and later
DLR

it was like the oddest and longest booty call of buffalo bills thyme

and this guy knobviously smelled
and totally wanted to sell me shrooms

but I told him my bathroom already smelled just fine

and that’s pretty much that

cept the dog wouldn’t leave me alone
cause he likes to be choked while m-batin
like he was Michael Hutchence or something

fin

Hil Clin, not as busted

Second Avenue Deli Chase

The Good The Bad And The Queen

The Lily Allen Nike [Ghattan]

Mr Example’s ‘Vile’ The Anti-Lily Allen’s ‘Smile’ + video [321 Contact]

Hermione and her hockey squad

Perhaps Sufjan Was A Poor Password: The T-Shirt

Becky n Mel [NSFW]

Jayhawk kicks

We Heart Prints

Vader Sessions

TwigCraft

How does glue work?

How to Keep Beer Cold

and WTF(OMGZ) flavor is this?

‘Bust A Move’ by Young MC [d]

+ Peace the lark voorhies out BforBetsy.blogspot.com. Shiz was too f&cking hot to last, so get yer effin cache money on b4 its truly gone 4eva!

Mr Do’s

mourn the peace the fork outting of OG member and namer of Pink Floyd…

Roger Keith ‘Syd’ Barrett

1946 – 2006

‘Shine On You Crazy Diamond (Parts 6 – 9)’ [d]
‘Lucifer Sam’ [d]

finger out who the fork this is…

become Jarvis Cocker’s pal and give way to his first solo matz, ‘(Cunts Are Still) Running The World’ [Figwise]

for once ogle something else on Stacey Dash‘s self besides her (antonio) piercing eyes, lby way of her her Playboy spread [NSFW]

somehow take all the credit for ‘rapper'(?) Lily Allen hittin #1 on the UK Charts

celebrate The Onion‘s 10th

visit DC’s refurbbed/refabbed Donald W. Reynolds Center for American Art and Portraiture. I spent 2.5 mesmerizing hours in there, and still didn’t even get thru 1/2 o del collection! Muss c outta the bunch: Nam June Paik’s Electronic Superhighway: Continental US

hit up Charleston, SC on July 28 for Nancy O’Dell Bobblehead Night

discover the evolution of GBark’s ‘Crazy’ [Brooks Robinson] + the mash-up with ‘Steady as She Goes’ & ‘Rapper’s Delight’

stay away from summer’s big budget fiascos, and hit up the thumcredible Once In A Lifetime doc

somehow fly back during Lolla to see Body Count at NY’s Knitting Factory

ignore their stoopid drink ticket policy and the fact that the only sold 2 kinds of beer, one of them being Corona, and hit up Billyburg’s wurstest monikered outdoor house of fun, 718 B-Klyn Diner. Hownever, there is no guarantee that you will see Susan Sarandon rock out w/o Robbins as I did

Kube’s 2001, in 2001 seconds

fap to 60 years of Lois Lame

read Dan Steinberg and Desmond Bieler’s Starting Lineup article every Monday

hope Beckett heeds the werd of the Baseball Card Blog and raises the value of Topps’ 1987 set, the series I cut my collectin’ teeth on

get yer Streets re-mix & b-side galore d-lode on

find that NSFW pool party starring Rachel Leigh Cook [Step Aerobics]

watch my homegirl Kruisespanko and her mustachioed friend win dough on Cash Cab [watch]

Page Threeley [NSFW]

bookmark bebopics for all yer Potter kid candids. Juss beware of Angelica Mandy‘s eyes. They have more power than Prince Charles

steal all 5 of the top 5 stolen paintings

admire fotos by Myla I, II, III, without the use of mylar ballons [NSFW]

judge a band by its cover

enjoy really stretched snaps of Eleanor Rigby’s super-cutie gran-da Emma

Dinner In The Sky

learn how to blow perfect underwater bubble rings

Bacon Cereal

anal fist a tailpipe with numerous vegetables and other sundries

and never stop posting Zidane headbutt ani gifs (or games that are more bonk than Bonk’s Adventure)

(bi they gay, we’re are currently eggepting applications and BJs for anyone who wants to make animated gifs of the gawds like those for our thighs only. 501k, dental plan, anal plan, 365^1/4 days of vacation, EEE, ELO, EZ-E. irish need not apply.)

Mr Dont’s

receive HJs from hottie nottie/Carrie cruelster Nancy Allen

listen to a limony snippet of the Killers’ new song snooze ‘When You Were Young’ [d-lode], from their new album that drops in Rocktober. Sounds like the boys have stopped ripping off every New Wave band and started to rip off themselves. Zzzzzzzzzz. Somebody wake me up when they’ve gone they way of the Strokes. The who? Eggzzzactly

watch season 4 of the The OC, cause FOX is so behind it!

wonder why the Oscars always go to the wrong people/movies

be like Florrie, the OG Jerri Blank [Pubesbower]

spend a night in Nicky’s Hilton

use the internets in Kazakhstan

buy a tent and camp out until next year for Tim Blake Nelson’s latest joint to open, starring Kate Hooraysworth & Orlando Boo

watch reruns of Roseanne, despite the fact that ‘Corn’ (the vegetable) is shown or mentioned in every episode [imdb vis Menyinc]

d-lode Gene Rayburn wallpapers

push the ‘push to walk’ button

read AA comic strips

hire Clithero as your moving co

drive drunk & masturbate after a T-Wolves game [SFW watch]

and buy these phallic ice cream cones for yer Asian daughters [WTFOMGZ, DUHVS]

all of the above was not sponsored in part by…

Dude: Starls Barkley!!

No man is an island: and no woman is as fine as SB Cohen’s fiancée Isla Fisher

all the above + Borat and much mo when the pointless MTV Movie Awards airs (taped) this Thursday

Ass promised: Lily Allen‘s cover of the Kaiser Chiefs’ ‘Oh My Gawd’ [d]

Joining Tom Carvel in that peace the fork out pie in the sky: Mr Mister Softee

Edgar Stiles will never go outta style: the EGGSclusive promo to his Life’s A Pizza flick AND a soon to be dad AND husband (wait, are they both preggers?)!!

Battle of the funny commmmmences this fall between the Borat movie and: Jackass: Number Two [For Hires Root Beer]

More irony than reading T-K Stack Money’s Pumping Irony while ironing a box of Total cereal: Jeffery Maier joining the Orioles?

Brothers gonna work it out: the Weinsteins in talks to take on Gorillaz movie. Don’t be sirprized if their muse Gwyny pops up in there somewhere

Decline of Western Civilization Part MIXLIX: Video games push for Olympic recognition [Marwanicur]

Oh, so that’s what that is: Sometimes I’m a bit behind on things. This go around I owe it to the fact that I rarely watch the Grammy’s Lame-y’s or listen to anything by Linkin Park (ok, anything besides ‘The End’ [d]). But I may have changed my tune as my ears have been glued to dat Jay-Z/Linkin Park mash-up ‘Numb/Encore’ [d | WMvid] ever since I fingered out dat dat is the song featured on dem Miami Vice trailers. Jan Hammer [d] who? Btw, I’m totally jazzed for this flick. I think it has mad po-tense-hole, hispecially with CH on board, who’ll also be seen in Noah Baumbach’s 2007 joint

Corky‘s #1 Fan: Mischa Barton’s mum

And cause you probably didn’t click on that Corky link above: Life Goes On‘s Chris Burke has a band, and yes, they’re touring. And yes, I have already marked 9/17 on my calendar. And yes, I’m not joking cause CORKY RULESS!!!

Sarah McLachlan’s music saves lives: see Darryl ‘DMC’ McDaniels‘ for proof. The two even dueted on DMC’s ‘Cats In The Cradle’ remake ‘Just Like Me’ [vid]

Dry your sweat, mate: Mike Skinner, aka the world’s effin greatest artist that’s a year younger than me, signs up for the NY Marathon

Is it football season yet?: No, but it’s almos futbol season!! And if yer an American rooting for some other country, go eat Hedwig’s dick and die die die! You Talibanistical jerknuts!!

[Muse of Hoax]
More shocking than Jeremy Shockey: Methinks I have unraveled the ‘inspiration’ for the American Idol theme song [d]. Listen to it 1st, and then listen to the guitar and crowd cheering at around 1:26 on the Utah Saint‘s ‘Something Good’ [d], featuring Kate Bush. Hmm, guess nothing about that show is original

Page still sexier than Ellen: 3 [NSFW]

The ‘IT’ Boy: Gregory Itzin/President Logan and his EPIC 24 poem (a muss click for ANY 24 fan)

Future yumscrubber: Camilla Belle Jr?

A reason to go all 88mph and shit again: the sorta rebirth of the DeLorean Motor Company! For even more DeLorean love, visit Tamir’s pre-shmear site!

Hold yer horses & hormones: ‘Lesley Ann Warren takes HRT‘

Can’t decide what to stare at more: Christina Ricci‘s boobs or mouse ears

Bruce Wayne waxed: Jill St John?

Insert middle-school Asian kid joke here: The Nerd Watch Museum

Where to fill yer Rated Rookie jones’n: The Baseball Card Blog

Cecil is dope: Who invented tampons? & Is some candy coated with beetle juice? & Why do you always see just one shoe by the side of the road?

Why bother with TV’s summer line-(d)u(m)p when there’s: TV In Japan

King Henry Died Monday Drinking Chocolate Milk: English ‘Johnny’ mnemonics

Yes it does: BluRaySucks.com

LOL name that a PR firm mistakenly thought yers drooly went by when they contacted me: John Stosseled

Spanking of those who stoss-ss-ss-le: Famous People Who Stutter, and where sum of dem found help, like Darth Vader and Xander

Somewhere Darwin’s smiling at this way for the fit ladies to survive: How to Make a Plastic Bag Bra

The Thigh Master’s latest non-endorsements: Lies Wide Shut & the Thigh Master [kindaish NSFW?]

I no that known of you click the links that hide beneath the Photochop Phryday mastercheeses, so: Rate My Poo [NSFW]

STOP THE PEREZES: PARIS HILTON SONG LEAKED (and for a shitty lil pop numba, it’s really not THAT bad, and I even kinda dig the Wendy Carlosish Clockwork Orangeee opening), and…

and who gives a flyin fjord who wins and who loses in women’s tennis, juss as long as the hotties keep sproutin up. Say hello to my new lil Slovakian friend whom I’d love to slowfcukin’in all night shlong, Daniela Hantuchova

+ meat my new hero: a San Franciscan boy has until Friday to raise 7k+ in order to land a date with chavilicious Lady Sov, who recently agreed to take part in this geniusessness of internetsing, but if and only if all the money is raised and spent like so

Lady Sovereign – ‘Cha Ching’ (cheque 1-2 remix) [d]

Troop Beverly Hiller and flossibly future HRT longshot, Jenny Lewis is da Jewish (and apparently Jack Black is too), and she once was lucky enuff to be photographed with the kid from Charles In Charge

There’s only one place big enuff to hold the first annual Parents’ Day (the Master’s family’s brand spankin new holiday that combines Ma AND Pa Day… take that HALLMARK!) crab feast with the option for OTB madness: Urbana MD’s Cracked Claw. And if yer not feeling crabby, I thighly recommend the fried chicken. Some might say that it rivals that of Gus’s of Memphis of Tennesseeessee

There is no longer anyone on earth named Ironhead Heyward

Brickhouse Brotherinlaw Made of Braunstein is currently the 34th bestest eater in the WORLD. I’m 51st, or something

Happarently bowling alleys are the latest craze for Bar Mitzvah parties. But do they still play ‘We Are Family’ and ‘Celebration’?

Before Brian Burton was DJ Danger Mouse, aka the Messiah, he was Pelican City, and you can here some of that werk hear

RFK used to be heaven. Now it’s like the dirtiest stripper pole at the Gaza Strip Club. I hope the Nats never leave

Spanks to Comedy Central’s uncensored broadcast thingie, I have come to realize that Coming To America is not only one of the finest American comedies of the past 20 years, but also the mos underrated romantic comedy since underrated comedies were invented by Thomas Edison. I mean, it was NOMINATED for 2 ACADEMY AWARDS (costumes and make-up, DUHVS!) AND had the one of del single greatestist in-jokes/cameoes mt EVERest, featuring the Duke brothers, Randolph & Mortimer. And Arsenio was hella bestest. What the fork happened to him? He was once on top of the werld, and ended up living on a couch, calling everyone collect. He needs a new agent or a new set of thighs cause he’s a diamond in the ruff ready to be reshined like what happened to John Travolta, cept it’s time for JTrav to go away again cause his head’s too big, not in an egotistical way, but like a fat head kinda way. Anycheezitz, czech out some luminaries who appeared on AHall’s show: Radiohead, MC Hammer, Madonna & Anthony Kedis, Young MC, Johnny Depp and Tim Buton, Paula Abdul, and plenty mo where that spank from

If you take only one NYC<-->DC $40 round-trip Hasidic bus service, make it Vamoose. They so Kosher, they don’t even roll on Shabbos

My boy Joey Tata (not the one yer thinkin of) hates Aruba. Maybe it’s cause of the missing girl, but I think he’s still bitter about Sidney Ponson leaving the O’s, or the fact that I’m going there in less than 3 weeks

Mountain Dew remains the finest soda in the fountain format

The GeeBees are as sick of ‘Crazy’ as Crazy Eddie is sick

Real blunt smokers don’t use Phillys anymo, the use Blunt Wraps… er, um, uh, ah, eh, em, or so I’m told!

Jack White’s current band derived it’s name from Mike Wallace’s werds. Hopefully scientisitsas will derive something from his hair

The new Spin magazine is a lot like the old Q magazine. I should juss shut up and be happy about dat, hispecially since Ultralustiness hath returned, but I wish the new Q was more like the old, and that Rolling Stone Snoozerag called it a day, or at least for Peter Travers did, who knows less about movies than David Brenner knows about comedy

Easiest time to get a table at Houston’s is as soon as they open. And even though they aren’t on the menu, try and ask if they serve their succulent chicken fingers. They on a secret menu that rivals In-N-Out’s, although their secret menu is the lamest thing I’ve ever heard of and anyone who knows anything about inhaling hamburgers still knows Fatburger is still king, still. So who wants to drive me to Nyack or Jersey Cit?

Brutalism is the coolio-ist monikered movement about ugly buildings of balls thyme

Donnie Darko may be pluggin Luke & Leia’s mum… so if they ever breed, will a robot blurp during birth, ‘Ooooba, oooba, it’s a BOY!‘

Sony® h.ear Sports Headphones are probsbillys the best 999 pennies one can spend at Radio Shack

The home of my mos flavorite pesto-sauced Italian cold cut, Vignola’s, is bosed for cusiness

Why we say ‘pair of pants’

Lily Allen (the newly added T In The Parker) sweats as much as me…

or at least as much as fat people do wheneth they rockin out with Richard Simmons (but not a robotic one)

and Moaning Season can never cum soon enuff