Thighs Wide Shut

The Fiery Furnaces
Bowery Ballroom
December 12th

remember when we wouldn’t wide shut up about The Fiery Furnaces, circa 2004-05? then they came out with that Metal Machine career destroying music featuring their nana and we promptly turned our backs on them like we did Lindseed Lohag when she got the point where her baby fat was replaced with skanky coke hits and anorexia. wells, a lot of thyme has passed and everyone deserves a second breast enhancement so we gave it to em and they gave it back to us by totally rockin dat shiz like we remembered they dids and now all is well again like Briana Evigan. yes, even in the rain

don’t think we’ll be doings a top 100 music thingies of the 2000s (like we ills with movies, duhvs, look for in 2010 though!), but we’d have to say that Matty Friedberger’s solo shaz (disc 1 only) be one of the breastest!!! czech it before you wriggty wreck it!! and Mattz, if yer reading this, ditch the sis and it’ll be nuttin but bli$$!!!!

Matthew Friedberger – ‘Her Chinese Typewriter’ [d]

A Single Man
He’s Not There
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

A Single Man aint your sister’s typical foppish Colin Firth British rom-com kinda movie. For once it’s your gay uncle’s turn to have everyone’s hearthrob all to himself, even if it’s more a break than a throb! Outfitted with a pair of Michael Caine 60s glassies, and a wardrobe by Tom Ford (also pitching in as the film’s writer, director and self-financier of the whole dang thing!!!), Firth, dishing out his finest work since his Mr Darcy days, plays a man who has reached a point of no return, or so he thinks. Unable to recover from the death of his younger lover (Matthew Goode, more suited here than he was when he panzied up Ozymandias in Watchmen), the refined closeted professor heavily contemplates joining his tru love by doing himself in. If you ever saw the doc Chris & Don: A Love Story, about this story’s original author, Christopher Isherwood and his young lover, you’ll have better feel on the feelings involved

The plan is set in motion, but Firthy first has to go through one last day of day to day drudgery, and as the said day progresses, he keeps finding plenty of bright spots in otherwise drab world. Dem bright spots all revolve around encounters his has with people he already knows (his loopy BFF neighbor Julianne Moore, doing a way too odd British accent, a flirty student of Firth’s lookin fine in an angora sweater… and butt nekkid as well, played by About A Boy/Skiner Nicholas Hoult + a hot Spaniard, an eerie lil girl & her cheery mum Ginnifer Gooidwin), and every time he interacts with them, we literally see the washed out sepia tones on screen turn all lush and warm, and it’s a thang of udder beauty

Hactually the entire film is a masterpiece… in terms of style (the substance works fo the moist part, but wouldn’t say we were blowns away by it), and feels like one giant sad Sal-centric episode of Mad Men if it were directed by Todd Haynes (Velvet Goldmine, Far From Heaven) or perhaps the needs to workin mo Tom Kalin (see Swoon!!!). That’s sum hammazin queer cinema company to be in, and for Ford’s first try that’s really saying sumting. And a word to you ass-piring male gay filmmakers out there, apparently if you want to suck-seed, your first name muss start with a ‘T’ and you muss also cast Juliane Moore, who has appeared in all three of the aforementioned directors’ films!

Even Gay Men Love Boobs: here be two of Man‘s secretaries who could turn anyone straight…

hottie Keri Lynn Pratt

& cutie Jenna Gavigan

Verdictgo: Jeepers MOS DEFFFFF Worth A Peepers

Man opens in NY/LA/SF only this Friday and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

his name is Michael Caine

The Lovely Bones
Rattle & Huh?
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

You know right off the bat that lil Susie Salmon (Saoirse Ronan and her impeccable set of peepers, who can purty much own the world of acting for the rest of her life if she wants to) gonna die. She tells us this in voice-over, and so we wait and wait for her innocent youth to be stripped from her body and her soul to linger on forever in the heartbroken minds of her family (including miscast parents Mark Wahlberg and Rachel Weisz). And by the time we’ve gottsen to know Susie Q with her simple hopes and dreams (she’s ohhhh so close to kissing the hot guy with the curly hair!!!), and her vibrant colorful 70s world (the costuming rox & the shopping mall was so mad foreals it gave it chills… see below) we didn’t want her to die. And yet she does. Then the movie, based on Alice Sebold‘s breastselling novel, splits into two worlds: the one she left behind and the new one she’s stuck in, a sorta fantasia purgatory where she comes to terms that life is over

The world without Susie is where Peter Jackson (w/scripting partners Fran Walsh and Philippa Boyens)’s film excels, and the other, a dreamlike wonderland, turns out to be one giant CGI-filled nightmare. Remember that scene in Contact where Jodie Foster talks to an alien who looks like her dad on a distant planet’s beach, and how crummy it looked? All of the Lovely Bones netherworld stuff is juss as crummy if not more crummy (also probably a lot like What Dreams May Come, but we never saw that, so we can’t vouch if it’s crummy or is as crummy)! There’s a lot of this nonsense, and maybe it worked in the book where you could picture it however you wanted to, but brought to life on screen, it’s kinda more dead than Susie. Petey was certainly the right man for this job, but if he can’t pull it off then no one probably can (well, maybe Tim Burton?)

While Susie explores la-la land, her family grieves and her killer (Stanley Tucci, one of the few bright spots in the film, who with green contact lenses out creeps Michael Jackson and his yellow eyes that pop out at the very end of the ‘Thriller’ video) remains at large, and barely in charge. The heat starts to turn up on him as a suspect, with Susie’s sister (hello lovely boned Rose McIver!) carrying the torch of the witch hunt. So what’s the focus here? Catching the killer? Letting Suse rest in peace? Having Markie Markus prove that he can do more than talk to animals? None of the above?

Time continues to pass and pass, but the girl’s haunting memory remains for one and all. We’re haunted as well, but sadly more so by those not so surreal surreal images that made us wish that The Nothing would swing on by and eat up her neverending story

Last Mall Standing: THE MALL!!!! yes, that funky retro looking mall in Bones is the effin shaz!!! and how could it not with it’s LOTR nod early on (look for it in the bookstore window) and Peter Jax cameo (juss remember, he’s skinny these days). and ya know what, it is indeed fo real (or was)!!! Although most of the filming was dones up in New Zealand (duh!), the mall shiz was dones down, second unit style, at MacDade Mall, right outside of Philly!! Here’s a Flicka set of the mall’s closing, and another of it reborn as a Lovely 70s hang out + some video shmideo!! Thirsty for more ye olde awesomes malls? then look no further then this classic thigh fav: Malls of America: Vintage photos of lost Shopping Malls of the ’50s, ’60s & ’70s

Verdictgo: Jeepers Somewhat?? Worth A Peepers

Skin
Deep!
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

We’re a fan of anything with the word ‘skin’ in it (cept for J Simpsons’ In My Skin & CANCER!!!): Skins, Mysterious Skin, potato skins, Mr Skin, your mother’s silky smooth skin, and flubvs course, the Redskins. Add Skin, a South African true story about a dark skinned girl (we remember you Sophie Okonedo!) born to white parents (Sam Neill and Alice Krige, both so fine maybe they shoulda been the Lovely Bones parents) struggling to define herself in the time of apartheid, to that list!!! Bring some Kleenex, but leave the Jergen’s at home you dirty fork, cause this film is juss toooo greaaaaaaaaaaaaat to miss!!!!!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show, yo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bones opens in NY/LA only this Friday and elsewhere elsewhen. Skin be already being thick in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

BLACK HAIR?#$?!#?@?@#?#@#@!## what the bedknobs and vrooooomsticks Katty Kat (not Megan you idjiots) Prescott??

didja at least keep yer nether regions dyed fire crotch red??

OK, we’re over it. and how could we not, we’re Mr Prescott!!

and we can still lookss at otros recent purty pictures of you!!!

mo pickzels from the wrap party

mo Skinsies picsey dust in FHM

Season 4 of Skins starts up in January 2010
thanks in advance to all the Britons who will upload the AVIs
for our spewing pleasure!

it aint no Col Mustard

but meth-less Andre Aggasi (planned ages before his revelation)

was still game, set, snatch!

nice to see that Ron Weasley has good taste, but Tony Kornheiser’s Childress costume takes the prize

Halloween sluts 2009, NY edition

Andy Rooney and wees share a lot of hate, hispecially for that shoe bomber dude who ruined everything

told you Clay Zavada would win ‘stache of the year by a hair

smelly armpits > Bumpits

&

Jamie Graham is making us cracker [NSFW]