Thighs Wide Shut

Chi-town, my kinda town. Probably the 6th+ time I’ve been there. It’s like Diet New York, or maybe New York Zero would be more apropos. The people are hella nice. They have a hella lotta Popeyes. And it’s quiet as all effin hella hell, and you know how quiet hella hell is (all dough, their public transit is hella wurstest and hella loud). While the weekend was more rockin than John Rocker eating his Johnny Rocket’s at the Hard Rock Cafe while watching reruns of Roc, there was one major disappointment: I was unable to meet up with Peabs (and Grambs and Grambs bro, and Grambs’ Uncle Tupelo), and thus didn’t get to eat puddin pops outta his anus while screaming John Stossel in his right ear as I stick my CAK airport in his left. Well Peabs, we’ll always have Cambodia. And that foursome with Mrs Garrett and Mindy Cohn. Enuff of the introductory paragraph and on with the snapples!!

sum of my mos flavorite entertainment things took place here:
Vice Versa
Webster
Blues Bros
The Bozo Show (dude, I totally coulda hit all dem buckets)
The Untouchables
anything by John Hughes
anything with John Candy
not Batman Begins

and mos importantly
Adventures In Babysitting
where lil Thor-lovin whore Maia Brewton
hung on to dear life on the vagina building
I loved that movie so much
that I sent a letter to each of the 4 principle actors
I got an autograph snap back from Maia and E Shue
damn you Tony Rapp and Keith Coogan!!

and how could I forget about
Al Bundy & Co

cause I totally wanted love and marriage
back in the day
w/Amanda Bearse

and the AIC
(probs 2nd bestest art musuem in America)
got the points
and gives me mad wood

and the bestest set of Hawks since Spud & Dominique

and frynally
I got my arse out to Wrigley for the first time mt everest!

with Cubs Fan #1
aka Samuel Gompers the MIXLIX
NO DOUBT

wow
the Cubs suck
even from far away

and it was even
SAVE FERRIS BARTMAN DAY

bi the gay

this is what an ‘obstructed view’ looks like

and I think I had 17963636233.4 food comas
thanks to

Lou Mal’s & their fine staff

where Cubs Fan #1
held the greatest rehearsal dinner of balls thyme
many (Dave) moons ago

Billy Goat Tavern
which is Wizard of Boviously home to the Belushi SNL skit
and many heart attacks

and now has a home in DC of balls places

Portillo’s
(cause Wiener Circle & Underdogg were too far away/closed when we were in the area)

and while the h’dogs were a bit bunk
the dipped Italian beef made up for it
and give me the best liquid shits
I’ve had since the Clinton administration

Carson’s The Place For Ribs

I’m sure there are better rib joints
but how can u diss a place that owns the url Ribs.com?

The Rock n’ Roll McDonalds
which was the coolest fast foot joint on earth
wheneth I was a kid
(one day I’ll unearth and scan snaps)
and now is a big overly-commercialized
dump hole
with no rock
and only cinnamon rolls
it’s the food equivalent
of the dumping on my childhood
that George Lucas did
when he released those three things
called prequels

how do you say ‘F&ck You’ in all dem languages?

and they took all the cool arse R ‘n’ R stuffs

and threw em in some side garage thingie

dude, who’s the fake Archie
bonin the fake Betty?

and dude, doesn’t this kinda remind you of the
autopilot from Airplane?

and dude

a white statue would never touch a black statue

and dude
this hard iron bizatch

totally gave me the finest HJ I got
since I never joined the HJ

and I heard a rumor that Lollapalooza was in town
and cause I got the early bird tix for $45 a piece
I didn’t really care to spend too many hours there

although the Raconteurs totally were mint
+ Wolfmother
and Manu Chao
but I don’t think I ever need to see
the Flaming Lips & Gnarls B again
semi-Zzzzzzz inducing
if u bask
me
maybe I’m at the point in life
where I only need to see bands once
unless Jack White’s in em
or yer mother’s in em
cause she sucks
like whatever music you like

bestages part of Lolla
was meeting up with
(sides Irish Ted and AJ Feely)
Zach De La Roachclip
who I hadn’t see in bicentennials

who has killer kicks
DO NOUBT!

then we parted ways
and then he kept calling me
but it was too loud to hear
so I kept yelling into the phone
to text me
but eventually
it was finally quiet
so I called Mr De La Roachclip’s phone
and some girl picked it up
and she’s not Mrs De La Roachclip
but some girl who found his phone
and was drunk enuff to think of the grand idea
to call one of the last numbers dialed
and thus I was reunited with DLR’s phone
and later
DLR

it was like the oddest and longest booty call of buffalo bills thyme

and this guy knobviously smelled
and totally wanted to sell me shrooms

but I told him my bathroom already smelled just fine

and that’s pretty much that

cept the dog wouldn’t leave me alone
cause he likes to be choked while m-batin
like he was Michael Hutchence or something

fin