Thighs Wide Shut

Texas Killing Fields
Womann Can Do Whatever Mann Can Do
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 105 min

The air is mighty thick and the accents, not so much (Sam Worthington, who should be banned from any kind of American accent), in Michael Mann’s daughter’s directorial feature film debut Texas Killing Fields.  Ami Canaan Mann can surely strike a hazy moody cinematic atmosphere just like her papa, and while the story presented might not eggzactly be Killing it, Texas has some don’t mess with it qualities to make it a pretty good first try for you to Field [look at that, we sorta used all three words from the title to describe it!!! sorta!!!]

Sure, nepotism in Hollywood sucks (Colin Hanks), but it’s excusable if there’s talent to back it up (not Colin Hanks).  Jennifer Lynch may be not David, but if her 2008 creepy fun Surveillance is any indication of what a director’s daughter can direct, we hope more of these daughters of directors start directing, even if it’s not AS hammazing as what their daddies can do!!!  Like… Ami Canaan Mann, who shows enuff something here to make her daddy proud, and to make us hope for even more of a something more in the future!

So what is it all about?  Inspired by true events (who knows how loosely though), there’s some shady murders going round in Texas City, with bodies popping up in… THE KILLING FIELDS!!!  Cept instead of Sam Waterston and Haing S Ngor doing stuff, we get Worthington and Jeffrey Dean Morgan (this guy should be working a lot more than he does) growling around town, looking to catch the killer(s).  Alongish for the ride are underused Jessica Chastain, and Chloë Moretz, who at first doesn’t seem to have a reason to be in the movie, until she has a reason to, which we guess is reason enuff.  Throw in some Sheryl Lee and Stephen Graham scenery chewing, and that’s that, which is what it is, which is fine enuff, and stuff (read: a good rental)

Oh, there’s one other thing, Danny Boyle loved the script but passed on directing it cause the material was too dark.  We thought it could’ve been darker!!  Wonder what Danny boy woulda had done with it.  Perhaps Jai Ho-it up a bit, no?

Toasting Toast: Texas Toast is the mostest!  so how’d it come about?  the most likely mother of invention story is…

The Pig Stand‘s Royce Hailey initiated the most famous invention: Texas Toast. When he had asked Rainbow Bakery to slice his loaves of bread thicker, slabs of bread appeared that were too thick to fit in the toaster. One of the cooks suggested that they butter them and toast them on both sides. What a hit with the customers! Unfortunately, Hailey failed to patent this invention which had its birthplace at the Pig Stand on Calder, Circa 1941 [via]

Bless this man, and the Pig Stand, who apparently pioneered  drive-thru windows in 1931, fluorescent lighting in 1939, as well as the first eatery to serve fried onion rings!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Fields fills NY & LA theaters today, and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows: Part 1
School’s Out!!!!!!!!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

No more pencils, no more books, no more teacher’s dirty looks!!!  SPANK THE LORD SLODERMORT!!!!!!!!  If there was anything dragging the movie versions of Harry Potter down down down it was the 909% snooze-a-roni-ness that filled the hallowed halls of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Boredom!!!!!  BYE BYE DUMPHOLE!!!!!!!!!!!  Ahhhh J.K. Rowling, what took you so long to ditch the wand and finger waving adults and let the kids run rampant???????????  We haven’t read one of yer boooooks in ages, but whatever’s within yer 7th and final book The Deathly Hallows is deathly awesomes!!!!  EAT THAT DEATH EATERS!!!!!!!!!!!

We have no recollection of what happened in the last movie, The Half-Blood Prince, but apparently we claimed it was the bestest since Cuarón‘s Azkaban.  Well, that can’t be the case, even if that was the case, cause Part 1 (of 2) of Hallows IS the bestest since #3, hands AND thighs down.  Why?  See above graphpara.  Why more?  Cause 84% of this bizatch is nuttin but Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson and Rupert Grint running around a zillion picturesque English countrysides, borrowing adventures from the pages of LOTR and Narnia, but who flippin cares, cause David Yates brings the loves and not the hates!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  + Dobby is even tolerable!!! + there’s a scene with like 9 Harry Potters in one room!!! + Peter Mullan!!! + Rhys Ifans (as a perfect dad to Evanna Lynch)!!!! + there’s like some sorta cartoon shadow puppet storytelling bit thingie that’s like so outta place and yet so in the right place + David O’Hara, Steffan Rhodri and Sophie Thompson do the bestest kids trying to act like adults acting since Dudley Moore pretended he was Kirk Cameron in the body of Dudley Moore!!! + there’s like some sorta digital Hermione wet dream thing where she’s like sorta naked with like digital side boobs and it makes Ron like totally horny AND angry!!!!  + her digital side boobs are like bigger than her real ones!!!! (it’s OK to say this cause she’s like 20 and stuff!!!)

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But we will admit, there be something totally not the knees bees in Potterdom: Ralph Fiennes as Voldemort.  Slain and pimple, it juss don’t work.  Don’t know if it’s the know know of knowing it’s Fiennnennes behind the mask or the fact that the mask has no clothes like that emperor that had no clothes.  We know he’s suppose to be scary, but he’s the furthest thing from scary.  Harry has better screen nemesisismsism with Snape and the Malforys than he does with the dude with no nose.  Hopefully Part 2 won’t be a part doo-doo, even though it’s obvious that Voldy will loom large, and boviously get his before he gets a new nose!!!

Wright On!!!!!: Bonnie Wright is fo’shiz the shiz, so what is mo shiz than B Wright?  um, how bout Wright + Moretz!!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Potter is Deathly aware of how FRANZTASTIC it is today at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Let Me In
Swede Child o’ Mine Comes To America
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

In an era of vampire-overload, not much has really stood out as being exemplary, even if yer teeny Twilights and Southern-burnt True Bloods have proved to be popular beyond reasonable belief.  The chilling little 2008 Swedish film Let The Right One In (LÃ¥t Den Rätte Komma In) was a step in a better, more human direction, and yet we barely thirsted for the blood lust put on display (maybe it was that unforgettable yucky crotch shot that left a bad taste in our eyes!).  A darling of the critics and winner of numerous awards, Hollywood took notice too and decided to give the material a spin on our shores, with Cloverfielder Matt Reeves helming the ship.  The time remains in the 80s, the holm has been shifted from Stock to Los Alamos, New Mexico, but everything else pretty is much the same (the snow! the eerie lighting and dull colors!  the killer pre-hipster hipster wardrobes!), although any sorta Swedish fishes have been replaced with Now & Laters (one of our personal flavorite candies), and thankfully no crotch shot.  And so????  Although it’s basically a carbon copy,  Let Me In > Let The Right One In

YES, the remake works the material better than the original Swedish entry!  And no, the answer has nothing to do with reading subtitles vs not!!  So how then? Somehow, someway, the connection between the bullied, timid, lonely mortal Owen (The Road‘s Kodi Smit-McPhee, dang, this kid sure loves dark material!) and his mysterious, distant and equally lonely immortal new neighbor/playmater Abby (Chloe Moretz, who is the very definition of kick-ass, and the true star of Kick-Ass) is juss stronger, in English, and in New Mexico!!  Maybe it’s the magic in Smit-McPhee’s scared wider-eyes??  Or the uncanny charm of Moretz’ crooked smile???  Put those together and that kind of bond is WORD!!!!!!!  Then there’s all the bonus goodness, like Richard Jenkins, who plays her guardian devil, and occasionally dresses up like a ghetto Zodiac, and is involved in an amazingly filmed car crash scene, from the point of the view of the auto’s interior!  Or how about the always dependable Elias Koteas, who’s dressed eggzactly like Kubrick on the set of The Shining?  Can’t hurt!  And how about the main bully (Dylan Minnette)??  Um, bestestestest teen a$$hole cruising for such a bruising since Scut Farkus, that coonskin capped chap in A Christmas Story!!!!  Let yerself into Let Me In, regardless if you saw the original or not!

Birds of Prey: Cara Buono shows her face and hot bod as Faye Miller on Mad Men, but as Owen/Kodi’s absent onscreen mom, they barely even show her face!!!  luckily we do get to look at Sasha Barrese, and even get to see her boob!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Let Me In sucks blood but doesn’t suck at all at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…