Spectre
Bland, James Bland
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 148 min

I’m digging the origin digging going on in these Daniel Craig James Bond flicks.  Sadly, I’m not fully digging on all of the films.  With the 4 Craig flicks – it’s been GREAT! (Casino Royale), then BLAH! (Quantum of Whatever), then HECK YEAH! (Skyfall), and now – with Spectre – it’s like ZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

A total snoozefest!!!!!!!!!!

All I remember is like Bond driving a car in Rome or something, and seducing Monica Bellucci in all of 5 seconds and then she’s gone from the movie, and then Bond goes to some snowy place, and then he goes to another snowy place and then like wants to help Léa Seydoux cause she’s hot, and then they have to go to Tangiers or something and then there’s a mouse, and a hidden room, and then they go to the desert and cross paths with Christoph Waltz as a nehru jacketed doctor of evil [spoiler alert]

and then?  I dunno – some kinda conclusion that’s not conclusive, or interesting

I like the rebooting of the Bond character – but it’s time to hit the reboot button again.  Maybe they should try to go ultra-cheesy and do a throwback to the Roger Moore days.  Why not even do a Bond period piece?  Or Bond as a ninja??  Everyone loves ninjas.  Or Bond orbiting Uranus????

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badger

Spectre is not so spectre-tacular at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Big Eyes
Pretty (Brutal) As A Picture
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 106 min

Margaret Keane made some pretty freaky looking art in the 60s – you know, those ones with them kids with giant scary eyes. Well, apparently during the height of the paintings’ fame and fortunes, it was her husband, Walter Keane, who took ALL the credit for creating them, while Margaret kept a blind eye and muted mouth, perpetuating the lie.  Eventually she had had enough of the lies, and Walter, and went public with the truth.  Tim Burton‘s Big Eyes tells this story, and while I guess it’s a story that should be told, it’s not an enjoyable one to listen to whatsoever

Big Eyes is zero fun to watch.  That doesn’t mean that Burton didn’t do the job visually – in fact, the 60s hazy glow, and Keane’s painting all shine bright (and worth most of the price of admission), but the story behind the easel is juss too much to deal with.  But if you’re super into Christoph Waltz being a smarmy jerk to Amy Adams for slightly over and hour and a half, then stare wide at Big Eyes!  (and listen to Lana Del Rey’s amazing song!)

Verdictgo: very very mild Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Eyes blink currently at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Django Unchained
Funslinger
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 165 min

For 9 hours of Quentin Tarantino‘s 9.75 houred Django Unchained, Quentin Tarantino hands in the most un-Quentin Tarantino Quentin Tarantino movie Quentin Tarantino has ever made.  That is a MOST excellent thing.  Then, in that last 45 minutes, Quentin Tarantino fills his most un-Quentin Tarantino Quentin Tarantino movie with the typical Quentin Tarantino shoot-em up garbage you’d expect Quentin Tarantino to stuff into a Quentin Tarantino movie – guns are fired & blood splatters, endlessly AND ENDLESSLY AND EVEN MORE ENDLESSLLLLLLLLLY.  You know it’s all too much too muchedness when Quentin Tarantino himself appears in the last 45 minutes as a bad actor with an awful Australian accent.  Quentin Tarantino, why did you have to add so much so muchedness at the end of your un-Quentin Tarantino Quentin Tarantino movie that was going so well???  WHY?????

Yeah, but that first 77 hours is so much unchained fun and amusement that it almost makes up for the endless end!  ALMOST!!!!  For them 1278772 beginning hours, you basically get to hear Christoph Waltz not be a Nazi and talk 9ever and help Jamie Foxx find his way, and hopefully his wife (Kerry Washington).  They criss-cross the country, hunting bounties, and then land in Candyland, a plantation owned by a super angry Leonardo DiCaprio, who does the same accent he does in every movie that sorta requires an accent, which is kinda the würst accent (it’s like he’s trying tooooo hard), and yet, DiCaprio is kinda the best in this movie.  Actually, everyone’s the best.  Even Samuel L Jackson as an evil Uncle Ben house slave is the best!  And Samuel L hasn’t been the best in ages.  And the cameos, oh the cameos, from the kid from Breaking Away to the original Django to Luke Duke to The Tamblyns to Tom Savini to… a zillion others… although we weren’t really impressed by Don Johnson’s Col Sanders and his blathering blatherskites

But that last 45 minutes.  Bang, bang, bang, bang.  Blood. Splatter. Pause.  Repeat.  Zzzzz.  We get it Quentin Tarantino, but we didn’t have to have it.  Did we?

Btw, this movie is not as shocking as people are making it out to be/wanting it to be, when it comes to that racy race stuff.  The N word is the N word.  Big wup.  I don’t say that word and don’t care to hear it, but I don’t get shocked by hearing it 231812831238 times.  If you want to be shocked about how fcuked up racy race shiz is/was then rent Spike Lee’s Bamboozled

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Chain Her Up, In A Sexual Way, Not A Racist Way!!!:

Nichole Galicia

apparently her old name was Nichole Robinson

Django Unchained is UNCHAINED at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Carnage
Parents Pair-Rants
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 79 min

Watching Roman Polanski‘s Carnage is like watching a stage play, sorta not come to cinematic life as a film play.  Not so sirprizing so, so, so, since it’s based off of Yasmina Reza‘s play God of Carnage, but the play’s the thing, right?  No, it’s not.  But if you enjoy the talents and talkings of Jodie Foster, Kate Winslet, Christoph Waltz and John C Reilly, then you will probably take away some enjoyment in their talents and talkings in Carnage

So what’s all the yapping & fussing about between these four Oscar-de-baiters?  Winslet & Waltz (hmm, that sounds like a really fab name for a musical duo!)’s son smacked Foster & Reilly (hmmm, that sounds like a really nifty name for a realty company!)’s son’s face with a stick, so the four ‘rational’ parents need to suss things out like civilized peoples.  Things from there get pouty, then shouty, then tipsy, then vomity, while all feeling way too play-y.  But the play’s the thing, right?  How many times do we have to answer this?

moral of the story:  all four actors ham it up in their own way, and it’s fun, even if it’s all too theater-y, but still, would you rather pay $80+ to see this on Broadway or $7.94 to see it in the greatest physical forum of human entertainment – the movie theater?  Here’s yer answer – EAT IT THEATER!!!!

This:

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Carnage car-rages in NY & LA this Friday, and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Green Hornet
Spinelessapple Express
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Green Hornet, what can go wrong, did go wrong: wrong guy being Green Hornet (Seth Rogen), wrong to use a sophomoronic slacker script (Rogen again, with pal Evan Goldberg), wrong to enlist a surreal director and not have him go surreal (Michel Gondry)… this doesn’t bode well for Aronofsky’s Wolverine II, and wurst of all, juss an all around waste of a Green Hornet movie .  Played for laughs, and filled with none, Green Hornet has no buzz, sting or flight, well, besides anything having to do with Kato (Jay Chou).  He’s awesome, and how could he not be?  No seriously, he’s Kato and he’s mad awesomes and Jay Chou is awesomez as Kato!

Kato!!

Cameron Diaz is in it for some reason, but she’s more of a Charlie’s mangled than an Angel.  And remember that Christoph Waltz guy who stole our hearts and ears and the film Inglourious Basterds?  He delivers a mighty similar shtick here (with much less bitting dialog), but this time with a beard (looking like Carmen Ghia from the real Producers), and after 2 films of Americans seeing him do this, he’s already edging towards one trick pony territory.  Eeesh.  And poor Tom Wilkinson, David Harbour and Edward James Olmos.  Serious actors brought in for some serious roles, and for about as much seriousness as a Norm McDonald movie.  At least they employed Edward Furlong.  Sounds like he could use the money

KATO!!!

oh, and the 3-D is awful

KATO!!!!!!

Cole As Ice: Taylor Cole!!

Verdictgo: Only Kato Merit & Zero Stinkin Badges For The Rest

Hornet stungks this Friday at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…