Lincoln
Fourscore & 148 Years Ago, We All Scored For Equality, Mostly!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 120 min

Steven Spielberg‘s Lincoln 

=

Spielberg’s Amistad

+

strange white man beards

minus

any

moment

but that’s still pretty fcuking good filmmaking if you ask we!!!

AND DANIEL FCUKING DAY LEWIS AS LINCOLN IS ALL DANIEL DAY AND ALL DANIEL NIGHT BESTNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

obvi

+ Tommy Lee Jones will have you jonesing for more Tommy Leeness!!!

+ Sally Field plows it!

+ Joseph Gordon-Levitt has a mustache!

+ John Hawkes + James Spader + Tim Blake Nelson = hottest/coolest threesome EVERRVEVEVRR (for ending slavery that is!)

+ Hal Holbrook is still alive!!!

+ we still dont know how to spell or say David Strathaririansiansairn‘s last name!!

but wait, there’s more

more like…

OMG, THAT GUY IS IN THIS MOVIE!!!!

‘that guy’s like

DOUG FROM FLIGHT OF THE CONCHORDS and GALE FROM BREAKING BAD!

THE PUSHING DASIES GUY!

LANE PRYCE IS RIGHT!

BAD NEWS KELLY LEAK!

THE SERIOUS MAN!

ANIMAL HOUSE’S D-DAY!

PRESIDENT LOGAN FROM 24!

MILES PAPAZZIAIANNN FROM 24!

THAT GUY ON GIRLS WHO HAS TO HAVE SEX WITH LENA DUNHAM!

THAT KID WHO PLAYED THAT GAY GUY IN THE STOOPID MOVIE BASED ON A BOOK ABOUT RUNNING WITH SCICICXSSSSORS!

THAT REALLY GOOD ACTING GUY FROM IN TREATMENT!

THAT KID FROM DARK SHADOWS!

THAT GUY FROM THE NEW PLANET OF THE APES!

THAT ASSSHOLE GUY WHO HATES BOOKS FROM FRANK AND ROBOT!

THAT GUY WHO NARRATED VICKY CHRISTINA BARCELONA!

THAT BLACK GUY!

THAT GUY THAT GUY!

THAT GUY THAT GUY THAT GUY!

&

LUKAS HAAS!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Lincoln logs time in NY & LA today, and elsewhere elsewhen

oh, and MAJOR special love goes out to Spader’s facial hair & weirdness in this movie.  it’s something I tells ya!!  ALMOS worth the price of admission alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Master
No Brains, No Service
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 137 min

I don’t get it, but it sure looked nice!  Especially those sandcastle boobs!

It didn’t have a point, but Philip Seymour Hoffman did have a mustache that made him look like Mike Holmgren, and he did yell a lot, cause that’s telltale sign that he’s acting all hard and things!!

No really, I have zero minus one idea what the movie was about, but Joaquin Phoenix did tell like 2 fart jokes and kinda acted like he was in a post-WWII version of I’m Still Here (which is a betterer, more thoughtfullerrer movie than The Master is ever be or wants to be.  IS TRUE!)

No seriously, what’s the story with that story?  A helpless drunk gets help from a guy who’s full of himself and has a mustache and screams and his son is Jesse Plemons who sorta looks like him, without a mustache, and without the screaming, and in the end, no matter how much yelling goes-es on, it doesn’t help the helpless guy????  And no milkshakes are drankens??

But man, the movie LOOKED amazing!  Yeah, but ‘look’ and ‘being’ are two different stuffs.  Nice try PT Borenum!!  But you didn’t fool us with your foolish tim-foolery!

Yeah, but there were at least three AMAZINGS scenes.  One involved questions and not closing eyes and then closing eyes with more questions.  Another involved the awesomes Christopher Evan Welch questioning methods which is followed by yellings.  The other other was when all of the sudden there were lots of naked womens in a room, and we saw old droopy boobies that were hactually kinda sexy. IS TRUTHS!

Jessica Lange Gang: so we all know that Alison Lohman looks like a young Jessica Lange, but who knew that there was a gal who looks like Alison Lohman…

Brigitte Hagerman!!!!!!!!!!!!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

The Master bates in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…