Peace The Forks Out

to

Garry Marshall

&

The Hunter of Deer

&

Elie Wiesel

&

Mr Killing Fields

+

Abbas Kiarostami

the DB Cooper investigation

Nate Thurmond

he kissed spider women

the boss of bosses

Warhol factory photog

straight up punk

the first Lois Lane

Mr Nine West

THE GUY WHO GAVE US THE WICKER MAN!

he was ENTERPRISE-ing

a Prime Minister of France

Pakistan’s Mother Teresa

Eagles player and coach

he was straight up Loonie

Minni miracle man

he-sealed-it

Elvis Presley guitarist

he swam in gene pools

he messed with Howe

he was in The Mummy

Tom Hanks’ mom

Mickey Rooney’s son

she wrote Rebecca 2

she helped books

he owned Baltimore’s Studio 54

NYU’s 13th prez

Spumoni Gardens owner

he raced with Newman’s own

some film processing guy

some country singer

some SNL director

some DJ

some lawyer

some British comedienne

some historian

some actor

some other actor

some other other actor

some other other other actor

some other other other other actor

some Romanian actor

some Senator

some SoCal writer

some Hungarian writer

&

Chief Zee

Peace The Forks Out

to

Dracula/Scaramanga/Lord Summerisle/Saruman/Count Sudoku

&

Aint No Fakin He WAS Fagin

&

Where Dusty Was Going, He Didn’t Need Rhodes

The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies
Unibrowser Yowzers!!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 144 min

Remember how un-epic the battle was in Return of The King, and how it never seemed to end, cause it had 32012391929 endings? Well, I can’t reference any Thighs Wide review of such, cause that movie pre-dates this site!!! Butt bad tasting movie memories live on, but all is forgiven with Hobbit 3!!!

Hobbit 1 was dang good, but Hobbit 2 was 1/2 meh and 1/2 YEAH, but over time, I’ve felt more MEH on the yeah, so it was more like 2/3rds MEH and 1/3 yeah. Well, Hobbit 3 was 90000% YEAH!!!!

Hobbit 3 wastes no time – it starts with a fire-breathing BANG, and then juss keeps getting better and butter with each sword clash, and arrow being flung. Flung = fun. Swords = (s)WORD BOOTY!!!!

So how does this ending work better than LOTR: ROTK‘s ending?

– there’s an actual battle, and it’s not easily ended by ghost warriors

- Martin Freeman > Elijah Wood. I’d let Martin burgle my butt

– the dwarves do something besides being lame. Although I still couldn’t tell you any of their names besides the main one (Thrain son of Bane?) and the hot one (Billy Killi Motown Philli?)

- the dude with the uni-brow is an a$$hole, but he’s the fcuking best a$$hole on middle earth AND earth!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

– these are the only movies where Orlando Bloom is the fcuking MAN (by being an elf)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

– there’s like a scene with Gandalf, Cate Blanchett, Hugo Weaving, and Christopher Lee (HE LIVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) where they battle evil incarnate AND IT REMINDS YOU HOW AMAZINGS LOTR was AND how amazings the movie you watching IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

– the movie ends and bookends bookbeginnings perfectly with LOTR. if you have kids – you can now start with the Hobbits and then jump right into the LOTRs. Peter Jackson did it. George Lucas didn’t – cause you should never show your kids the Star Wars prequels

– praise jeebus Guillermo del Taco didn’t direct these movies.  It would have sucked

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Hobbit 3 rings in the end of the year at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Hugo
Méliès-y Shady of Winner
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG | 127 min

So, there’s this orphan kid (Asa Butterfield) who lives and works in the clocks of a Parisian train station.  When he’s not being chased by Sacha Baron Cohen with a mustache, he’s trying to re-build Bicentennial man.  When he’s not doing that, he’s stealing stuff from cranky ole toymaker Ben Kingsley.  When he’s not doing that, he’s hanging out with Kingsley’s ‘daughter’ Chloë Moretz, who is way too mature hot for being a 14 year old.  399393939 movie hours pass of them two kids running around, causing minor mischief and making endless lil ragamuffin faces, while also borrowing books from Christopher Lee, and listening to a bearded Michael Stuhlbarg talk about his boner for pioneer filmmaker Georges Méliès

Wait, what does Méliès have to do with all this?  Well ya see, Kingsley is not only a cranky ole toymaker, but HE’S ALSO GEORGES MÉLIÈS!!!!  But he doesn’t care about movies anymore, CAUSE OF WORLD WAR and MOVIES BEING TURNED INTO SHOES or something, but the kids care and so does his wife (Helen McCrory) and so does Martin Scorsese, who turns the last brilliant third of this movie into a love letter to early cinema AND a giant PSA for film preservation!!

moral of the story: it’s a kid’s movie where all the great stuff is about the adults.  the kids stuff should have been thrown out the window and this baby shoulda been all about Méliès, cause Kingsley hands in a f#$king crowning achievement performance as the cinemagician.  also, there should have been a naughty sex scene between SB Cohen and Emily Mortimer.  also, the 3-D is not as great as everyone’s making it to be.  also, they should have cut out 98% of the kids stuff and replaced it with 3-D clips of how hot Louise Brooks was, or maybe with some modern 3-D hotness like this!

Toying Around: art imitates life

Verdictgo: last third is beyond breast in show, but the first two-thirds keeps it a Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Hugo is quasi-moto-awesome currently in a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

but before we go, imagine if Asa and Kodi Smit-McPhee switched Chloë movies!!!  LET THIS IN!!!

Chloë 9ever!!!

a lil late here, but ALTERNATE UNIVERSE MOVIE POSTERS