Thighs Wide Shut

J Edgar
Hoover? What? When? Where? And Sometimes Why?
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 137 min

Don’t know what’s wrong with more than 1/2 of the critics who reviewed J Edgar.  Did they even see the same movie we saw?  Was there not enough J Edgar Hoover picking up the dirt (hoovering!) for them?  Did they find the quality Clint Eastwood direction directionless?  Was Leonardo DiCaprio‘s best work since What’s Eating Gilbert Grape not bestiful enuff for their boasteringing, despite the impossible task of playing someone he looks nothing like (which oddly enuff was what made The Aviator crash)?  Was Armie Hammer too handsome for them to clap their hands some?  Was the Dustin Lance Black script too straight without a chaser?  Were they pissed Naomi Watts didn’t give Judi Dench some carpet cleaning?  What’s yer problems, yo???

Seriously folks, J Edgar is a fine fine movie.  It takes a notorious and mysterious figure of 20th century American history and notoriousizeses him, while still keeping his enigma wrapped in a riddle, wrapped in a woman’s slip, and entertains us.  What more do you want?  We may not get a complete picture, but how do you make a complete picture of a man who ran a bureau of secrets, with a bureau filled with STILL unknown secrets????  You don’t, and even if this flick had early 90s Oliver Stone written all over it, Stone didn’t make it, and thank dog he didn’t today, cause he’s no longer up to the task, but Clint Eastwood is and he did it and he did it right (heck, there’s not a ton of gangstering goings on, but it’s a zillion times betterer than whatever Public Enemies was).  So, GET OFF MY LAWN!!!  and critics, GET OVER YER YAWNS!!!!!

moral of the story:  we’re totally gay for J Edgar Hoover and this movie about him.  He may have been misguided, but he got the job done, no matter what the costs were, and no matter how much make-up they had to cake onto Leo to make him look like old man Charles Foster Kane (see below below)

Creepy Ship Lollipop: J Edgar Hoover & Shirley Temple, a WTF relationship for the ages

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

J Edgar digs up the good dirt currently at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Hereafter
Five Feet Underdone
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

What happens when we die?  A question none of us will ever know the answer to… UNTIL IT’S FAR TOO LATE!  Well, grizzled ole Clint Eastwood musta been wrestling with that very quandary himself, after wrestling a whole decade with nuttin but death (Gran Torino being the true masterpiece of the bunch, although that borefest Invictus was death free… although Apartheid did die!).  So welcome to Hereafter, a film that provides no answers either, juss some thoughts and feelings and sensations and fuzzy transmissions, and three separate storylines that will end up sloppily merging together for no better reason other than each story couldn’t possibly be worthwhile on their own!  Wait, how is this the end result of an Eastwood and scriptman Peter Morgan (Frost/Nixon, The Queen, anything well written in the past 5 years) duet??  Had their names been absent in the credits, then Hereafter would be a fine little piece of movie fluff, and it certainly is, but still, shouldn’t this have been a slam dunk of greatness, and not a decently made foul shot???  OK, enuff with the analogies, and enuff of the names on the marquee prejudicenessness, cause the movie is adequate enuff, even if it is, at times, super cheesy, and feels longer than Carlos

So what are the three stories?  First is the plight of opening scene typhoon (AND WHAT A DIGITAL TYPHOON IT IS!) survivor Cécile De France (that chick from that wretched French horror movie with the ending that made no sense).  She a had a mighty close brush with death, even seeing stuff like gray figures in gray clouds!!!, but lived!!!!  She tries to go back to her normal French life of being a TV presenter and banging her bearded producer (Thierry Neuvic),  but that won’t work cause she will never be normal again!!!  So she takes a break from TV and starts writing about her experiences, and in the process losing all the fame and money she had before.  Maybe if she can get a book out, maybe then she can find some peace and piece of mind!!!!!

Meet Matt Damon.  He lives in San Francisco and works on the docks cause he doesn’t want to do his old job, which was to give psychic readings to very very very bereaved peoples. It nearly ruined his life, and a chance at ever having one, and he won’t do it again, no matter how many times his receding-haired brother Jay Mohr (Jay Mohr in an Eastwood movie, WTFFFFF??? although having Richard Kind show up for a scene made up for it) tries to convince him to jump back into the game!  Then, at a cooking course (led by Bobby Baccalieri!!!!) he meets a charming young girl who totally wants to bone him and she is totally Bryce Dallas Howard.  Will he get the girl or have to keep escaping his unwanted gift again and again?????

In London, there are a set of adorable twin kiddies (Frankie McLaren and George McLaren) with a strung out mum, who they take care of more than they are taken care of.  Everything isn’t perfect, but they make it work, that is until one of the twins is hit by a car, and the weaker-willed twin can’t figure out how to carry-on without him!!!!!!  If only he had some answers!!!!  Oh yeah, there’s some side-crap with his mother going to rehab and him living with foster folks, but we’ll pay about as much attention to em as the movie does!!!  Rebarkless, the twinsies part was hactually our mos flavorite out of the three

Soooooo, these 3 stories eventually run into each other and guess what, everyone lives happily ever Hereafter!!!  Ugh!  Well, if you thought that pun was lazy, then you can’t imagine how lazy this movie is, although it’s a lot more watchable, and mos def enjoyable than whatevs that Peter Jackson Lovely Bones thang was, and there’s no bones about it!!!

We’d Never Kick Out The Jam… panoï: in De France’s absecne from the TV studio, Mylène Jampanoï takes her job, and our heart!!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Somewhat Worth A Peepers

Hereafter lives somewhat happily ever this Friday only in NY, LA and East Grand Forks, MN(???), and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Gran Torino
A Man Hmong People
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Life. Death. Faith. Friendship. Family. Loyalty. Race relations. The economy. The ol’ American Way. Suburban decay. Doing the right thing. And even the Detroit Lions (sorta). All of these hot topics are flawlessly weaved into Gran Torino, Clint Eastwood‘s 30th film as a director, and what may ultimately be his final screen performance (SAY IT AINT SO!). In what is w/o question one of the bestest films of the year, GT may also be it’s mos funniest (eat your farts out Judd Apatow!). It’s also one of the finest fictional movies about the state of America today that we’ve seen in quite sum thyme… that happens to be hidden in the open of this vigilante street justice genre flick. Clint plays Walt Kowalski, a grizzled old Korean War vet (what a stretch!) who embodies the sarcastic loathing of Andy Rooney and the razor/racist sharp tongue of Archie Bunker (only Easty could make 7 zillion Asian stereotyped quips and not only get away with it, but make ya laff yer face off… unless yer name is Spike Lee). His wife’s recently passed on, his white neighbors have long since moved away and he doesn’t have much to look forward to, cept sittin on his porch sipping Pabst Blue Ribbon and indulging in any form of tobacco (hactually sounds like the good life to us!). He doesn’t want anything to do with his new immigrant neighbors… that is until his hand is (magnum) forced. Local gangs start harassing a defenseless boy and his sister (amateur, yet effective enuff performances by Bee Vang and Ahney Her) and Clint comes to their rescue. Each time he extends his sword, he lowers his shield and in turn starts to open his heart. He becomes more of a father figure to these kids than he had ever been to his own. It sounds like sum dang cheesy stuff, but lessthenone, the cheese works and tastes grrrrreat! So what about the car in the title? Juss another thing for us to give the film an accolade for: bestest use of a Gran Torino in a movie this century! Then again Starsky & Hutch wasn’t much competition in that category… although Gran Torino coulda been the greatesteest movie mt EVERest had it had Brande Roderick undressing

He Thought of Cars: the predecessor to the Ford Torino was the Ford Fairlane. The predecessor to the Gran Torino film is fortunately not The Adventures of Ford Fairlane. Maybe tis was Pink Cadillac?

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

GT is currently playing in NY/LA and will start expanding like crazy this Friday and even mo on Xmas

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

pee es – Clint, please don’t EVER die. wees don’ts want to think of what American cinema woulds bees w/o yous

pee es 2 – wonder what he thinks of the Gorillaz song named after him?