Thighs Wide Shut

GO LAST WEEKEND W/O NFL FOOBALL TIL FEBUDREARY!
+ bonus b-day wishes to The Thinker for hittin the big 3-0

A Scanner Darkly
The Real Pic-Czar
Trailer

Â

If Sin City was last year’s udderly franztatsic visually arresting eye orgasm of a movie, than A Scanner Darkly is mos def 2006’s. And although Sin was perfect from far, it was still a muss see, which is the case with Scanner. But before you invest yer rhyme and synergy, ask yoself, self, did I dig on Richie Linklater’s Dizzy Deanish talk-a-thon Waking Life? Like White Castle hamburgers, there are only two answers, yes or no, cause there aint no middle ground. So you were either mesmerized by it, or wanted to be all sick like Alex DeLarge being strapped down, viddying the unspeakable. So, if you felt a bit droogish by that eggspeareance, stay home and get a life. But if you fell under the spell, dig in, you forking drug addict.

A Scanner Darkly is another paranoid path carved out by the great Philip K Dick (Blade Runner, Total Recall, etc), yet it seems the least futuristic outta any of his stories brought to the big screen. This tale is more of a parable about drugs and society, for any day and age. The Dick-man had lost many friends to drugs, so he conjured this up as a way to preserve their memory, and to let those who live be aware of the dangers. While not all together straight-forward and coherent, which perfectly fits the brain activity of our protagonist NARC, one can’t help but being wowed at what’s going on on-screen. It’s like going to an animated art museum, sponsored by Adobe Photoshop’s filter pull-down menu. Hell, if they filmed 6 hours of a fruit bowl in that digital rotoscoping shaz, I’d still pay to see it. Luckily, the fruit bowl sits out this go around, and lets the digital scenery be chewed up by such bestness as Keanu Reeves, Robert Downey Jr, Woody Harrelson, Slater from Dazed & Confused, and Winona Ryder, who has now replaced Harley Quinn, as the world’s sexiest digital entity that I want to penetrate. Ones and 0-HHH SSNAPPs!!!

The irony of it all is that this anti-drug film would best be enjoyed under the influence of drugs. Gawd bless America, and the fact that Linklater did this, and not School of Rock 2… yet!

Recommended for those who like: Ralph Bakshi, US patent #6061462, and dem Charles Schwab ads [via Seoul Brother #1]

Possible Porno Name: Jamming A Banana-er In Lark Voorhies‘ Lee Jeans

Unsatisfied with this? get yer OG rotoscoping jazzum on and Netflix Yellow Submarine [Trailer]

Apt MPupil3: ‘She Came in Through the Bathroom Window (rehearsal versh)’ by The Beatles (hey, who doesn’t love a don onslaught of Beatles refs?) [d]

IMDb Sweeney: Yes, the dude playing the Street Prophet, Alex Jones, was also the dude in Waking Life spouting mad isms from the PA system in his car

Next Up For A Philip K Dick Adaptation: Next, starring Nic Cage, Julianne Moore, and J Biel

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show, by a nose, and by the animated boobs one gets to see

until next time the balcony is clothed…

Dude: Starls Barkley!!

No man is an island: and no woman is as fine as SB Cohen’s fiancée Isla Fisher

all the above + Borat and much mo when the pointless MTV Movie Awards airs (taped) this Thursday

Ass promised: Lily Allen‘s cover of the Kaiser Chiefs’ ‘Oh My Gawd’ [d]

Joining Tom Carvel in that peace the fork out pie in the sky: Mr Mister Softee

Edgar Stiles will never go outta style: the EGGSclusive promo to his Life’s A Pizza flick AND a soon to be dad AND husband (wait, are they both preggers?)!!

Battle of the funny commmmmences this fall between the Borat movie and: Jackass: Number Two [For Hires Root Beer]

More irony than reading T-K Stack Money’s Pumping Irony while ironing a box of Total cereal: Jeffery Maier joining the Orioles?

Brothers gonna work it out: the Weinsteins in talks to take on Gorillaz movie. Don’t be sirprized if their muse Gwyny pops up in there somewhere

Decline of Western Civilization Part MIXLIX: Video games push for Olympic recognition [Marwanicur]

Oh, so that’s what that is: Sometimes I’m a bit behind on things. This go around I owe it to the fact that I rarely watch the Grammy’s Lame-y’s or listen to anything by Linkin Park (ok, anything besides ‘The End’ [d]). But I may have changed my tune as my ears have been glued to dat Jay-Z/Linkin Park mash-up ‘Numb/Encore’ [d | WMvid] ever since I fingered out dat dat is the song featured on dem Miami Vice trailers. Jan Hammer [d] who? Btw, I’m totally jazzed for this flick. I think it has mad po-tense-hole, hispecially with CH on board, who’ll also be seen in Noah Baumbach’s 2007 joint

Corky‘s #1 Fan: Mischa Barton’s mum

And cause you probably didn’t click on that Corky link above: Life Goes On‘s Chris Burke has a band, and yes, they’re touring. And yes, I have already marked 9/17 on my calendar. And yes, I’m not joking cause CORKY RULESS!!!

Sarah McLachlan’s music saves lives: see Darryl ‘DMC’ McDaniels‘ for proof. The two even dueted on DMC’s ‘Cats In The Cradle’ remake ‘Just Like Me’ [vid]

Dry your sweat, mate: Mike Skinner, aka the world’s effin greatest artist that’s a year younger than me, signs up for the NY Marathon

Is it football season yet?: No, but it’s almos futbol season!! And if yer an American rooting for some other country, go eat Hedwig’s dick and die die die! You Talibanistical jerknuts!!

[Muse of Hoax]
More shocking than Jeremy Shockey: Methinks I have unraveled the ‘inspiration’ for the American Idol theme song [d]. Listen to it 1st, and then listen to the guitar and crowd cheering at around 1:26 on the Utah Saint‘s ‘Something Good’ [d], featuring Kate Bush. Hmm, guess nothing about that show is original

Page still sexier than Ellen: 3 [NSFW]

The ‘IT’ Boy: Gregory Itzin/President Logan and his EPIC 24 poem (a muss click for ANY 24 fan)

Future yumscrubber: Camilla Belle Jr?

A reason to go all 88mph and shit again: the sorta rebirth of the DeLorean Motor Company! For even more DeLorean love, visit Tamir’s pre-shmear site!

Hold yer horses & hormones: ‘Lesley Ann Warren takes HRT‘

Can’t decide what to stare at more: Christina Ricci‘s boobs or mouse ears

Bruce Wayne waxed: Jill St John?

Insert middle-school Asian kid joke here: The Nerd Watch Museum

Where to fill yer Rated Rookie jones’n: The Baseball Card Blog

Cecil is dope: Who invented tampons? & Is some candy coated with beetle juice? & Why do you always see just one shoe by the side of the road?

Why bother with TV’s summer line-(d)u(m)p when there’s: TV In Japan

King Henry Died Monday Drinking Chocolate Milk: English ‘Johnny’ mnemonics

Yes it does: BluRaySucks.com

LOL name that a PR firm mistakenly thought yers drooly went by when they contacted me: John Stosseled

Spanking of those who stoss-ss-ss-le: Famous People Who Stutter, and where sum of dem found help, like Darth Vader and Xander

Somewhere Darwin’s smiling at this way for the fit ladies to survive: How to Make a Plastic Bag Bra

The Thigh Master’s latest non-endorsements: Lies Wide Shut & the Thigh Master [kindaish NSFW?]

I no that known of you click the links that hide beneath the Photochop Phryday mastercheeses, so: Rate My Poo [NSFW]

STOP THE PEREZES: PARIS HILTON SONG LEAKED (and for a shitty lil pop numba, it’s really not THAT bad, and I even kinda dig the Wendy Carlosish Clockwork Orangeee opening), and…

and who gives a flyin fjord who wins and who loses in women’s tennis, juss as long as the hotties keep sproutin up. Say hello to my new lil Slovakian friend whom I’d love to slowfcukin’in all night shlong, Daniela Hantuchova

+ meat my new hero: a San Franciscan boy has until Friday to raise 7k+ in order to land a date with chavilicious Lady Sov, who recently agreed to take part in this geniusessness of internetsing, but if and only if all the money is raised and spent like so

Lady Sovereign – ‘Cha Ching’ (cheque 1-2 remix) [d]

Follow My Voice: With the Music of Hedwig
Homophobes AND Homophones Need Not Apply
Trailer
US Release Date – will air on the Sundance Channel
July 27 at 9 p.m

If you’ve ever seen Hedwig, as a stage musical or in its cinematic form, you know the music kicks more (gl)ass than Remo Williams [vid]. And if yer a Wig-head, you probably already own the redonkelous tribute cover album, Wig In A Box, featuring the likes of Frank Black, Rufus Wainwright, Spoon, Robyn Hitchcock, Jonathan Richman, The Polyphonic Spree, Imperial Teen, Yoko Ono & Yo La Tengo, The Breeders, Bob Mould, Sleater-Kinney & Fred Schneider, They Might Be Giants, Cyndi Lauper & The Minus 5, the Bens (Ben Kweller, Ben Folds, & Ben Lee), and yes, even Stephen Colbert. And if you don’t know what I’s is talkin bout, u have a lotta effin catching up to do. Anywho, if you qualify as a Hed-head, yer gonna love this doc about the making of said tribute album that in turn dumps its proceeds on America’s very first LGBTQ school, The Hetrick-Martin Institute, aka the home of The Harvey Milk High School. But the making of is juss 1/2 the picture. The other 1/2 explores the inner workings of the school itself, as seen tru the eyes of a handful of students, with varied backgrounds and orientations. The only crying shames are that not many will see this fab doc, and not many will buy the CD. Only 75K has been raised so far. What up wit dat shit? I mean it’s all about the Benjamins, and the Bens! Wonder if Winona Ryder ever offered em a foursome?

Recommended for those who like: Hedwig & The Angry Inch, the music of Hedwig, and gay AND straight people who love Hedwig

Possible Porno Name: Swallow My Moist: Making Sweet Music While You Give Me Head Like Butch Vig

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix the breastest/wurstet making of an album doc, Let It Be, which in this case, sadly co-stars Yoko Ono, and was directed by Michael Lindsay-Hogg, who should never be confused with Wernham-Hogg

Apt MPupil3: ‘Pirate In A Box’ by Lemon Demon [d] and ‘Just Pretend’ by The Bens [d] or juss buy the dang CD and help make some gay kids even gayer than Gay-le Sayers

IMDb Sweeney: how could there be any Sweeney when there aint shee-at on the b of IMD?

TFF Thighspotting: three of the students featured in the feature, including model Mey Bun, who should not be confused with Messy Bun

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): It’s a doc, so how could it not be Breast In Show?

and here’s the .5
and I say .5
cause it’s not a new flick
but some old shiz

The River
Runs Through (sh)It

I’m all for viddying old classics on the big screen, but this 1951 Jean Renoir trifle is the kinda flaz u see on TCM and turn the channel after about 8 seconds. It’s such a snoozer that I actually took a well deserved 20 minute nap. I mean, c’mon, you try watching 10 movies in less than a week’s time and ruling the world’s thighs with an iron fisting!! The only thing worth uddering is that the lead girl, who’s suppose to be ugly, is really ugly (sorry, dats the only snap I could find). Both of my rents agreed. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Maybe they’ll remake this with Orlando Boo and Kate Snoozeworth and zzzzzzzz…

Recommended for those who like: x, y, and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Possible Porno Name: not even mrs butterWORTH my time

Unsatisfied with this? Visit a better work by Renior, at DC’s Phillips Collection

Apt MPupil3: Wanna really put yoself to sleep? Listen to ‘River of Dreams’ by Billy Joel [d]

IMDb Sweeney: Hottie Adrienne Corri would later in appear in A Clockwork Orange as the writer’s wife who gets ultra-raped by the Droogies [NSFW]

TFF Thighspotting: Me thinks whilst nappin I dreamt of JoJo, does that count?

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): it really isn’t all that bad, but I cannot recommended it, and thus Sum Merit, But No Stinkin Badges!

(don’t worry folks, only 4 more reviews left!)

Tsotsi
A Clockwork Orange Free State
View Trailer

Did you hear the alternate titles they came up for this Academy Award nominee for Breast Foreign Film that may give Paradise Now a run for its dirty (princi)Palestinian money this Sunday? Boy In The Hood, City of No Gawd, Ever More Nowhere In Africa, and Menace III Society. OK, you caughts me, those aren’t really alternate titles, but juss a really lame way to open this review, and did you honestly think there was another title when it has one halready that’s so fun to say. Tsotsi, which translates to ‘thug’, ‘gangster’, and/or ‘hoodlum’, is the light hearted story of a not so light hearted South African gangsta who keeps making his worse off situation worse offer. Stealinin’, gun pointinin’, dice throwinin’, leather jacket with the lapels up wearinin’, and straight up tsotsinin’, are the order of the day for our young misguided orphan Tsotsi, who loves to look straight up pimpinin’ in leather jackets. Then, one day, during a routine carjack, (not to be confused with Freejack), everything changes. Tsotsi inadvertently kidnaps the carjackee’s baby boy (but there be only one baby boy) and then, everything changes! Naqoyqatsi Powaqqatsi Koyaanisqatsi Tsotsi isn’t the ideal father, let alone the ideal employee, ideal UN peacekeeper, ideal beekeeper (I mean, can anyone beat Ulee and his gold?), or an ideal Let’s Make A Deal contestant, and then, everything changes? YES, IT DOES! Ch-ch-ch-ch-changesssssssss [d-lode] {@!#{#$@}! To spiel the beans about whatelse unfolds would change everything, so I’ll refrain like Andy Dufresne. All I have to say is Tsotsi!!!!!!!

Recommended for those who like: Dali ants, breastfeeding, and one white guy surrounded by many a black guys (insert one white guy, many a black guy jokes here)

Possible Porno Name: Twatsi

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix The Gods Must Be Crazy

All Time Winner of Bestest Movie Mt Everest That: ends in ‘si‘ and lets babies wear newspaper diapers!

Apt MPupil3: ‘My Weakness’ by Moby [d-lode]

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show

Pee es – the trailer blows, but the sdtrk rox, much like Lohag circa ’04