Thighs Wide Shut

• The baby geniuses over at KiddieRecords dug up some rare ole Disney MP3 hotness, but now has left yer humble mumbler crazy hungerin and hankerin and huntinin for the original soundtrack to his mos flavorite double Oscar Nominated Disney gem of thighsthymme starring Donald Duck AND Carmen Miranda’s sister: The Three Caballeros. If you’ve never seen this loco enchilda fiesta of a toon, you flavioiously didn’t have a childhood and I pity and shit on you. It’s like the OG Who Framed Roger Rabbit, where toons & G-rated poon [NSFW] go hand in hand! So can ANYONE help me find this lost on a digital world soundtrack? This mission is even more importante (that’s Spanish for ‘important’) than my jihad crusade on ending Vince Vaughn’s career (although he really needs no help from me… being probably the most unfunny actor that everyone deems funny). If you find it, I may buy you a hamburger. And if yer a vegetarian, I’ll take you out and force you to eat bacon. In the greenwich meantime, for a lil taste of what I’m stalkin’ about, download Bing Crosby doing ‘Baia’ & ‘You Belong To My Heart’, which both appeared in the film, juss not his versions. [MPtres via LP2CD]

• And look what Disney’s doing these days: Instead of coming up with stellar 2-D toons, they’re busy digitally reducing Lohag’s ex-gynnormous bazoongies from Herbie so not to make lil kids horny. I juss read this in the NYDN, but apparently this is old news. ADDDED: Defamer’s got visual evidence?

• Speaking of melons-collie, will Kylie Minogue’s ill boobies double-handedly reform the forking STONE ROSES?!??@#?@! If that happened, some might say, that sister is the messiah!!

• Leno on the stand is purty much like Leno on his show: no laughing matter.

• MC5 to Kick Out The Jams (motherfuddgers) from start to finnish @ NorthSix

• Clive Owen: ““I’ve always wanted to be James Bond. I’ll pour it all out right now! Why won’t they offer it to me?“

• The first sign of the Apocalypse? Or is it the second?

• NFL bids the ‘horse-collar’ tackle a-doo-doo. Is the camel clutch next?

• Gawd how I love the White Stripes, their new vid, and Meg White… even if she is a robot. [via link via ONTD]

• The Raven goes Rambo. Sounds like the biggest mistake since Dr Seuss went the Great White Way!

• Bad prequel news: Texas Fisher Price My First Chainsaw Massacre

• Good prequel news (for once): No Go on Crouching Cub, Hidden Valley Ranch

• Cathedral to Star in Da Vinci Code Film. Is that Charlotte Church’s less attractive cousin?

• Yeah Beck, the qwiker you can make Midnite Vultures II, the butter!

• Sharapova survives round 1, but loses in the pics dept. Sorry Engle, whomever you is, I guess we’ll have to wait a few more matches before the hot spandex wedgie photos arrive.

• Kasabian to write Engerland’s World Cup Anthem?

• Ringo wants to save his birthplace AND come easy @ Irving Platz June 19th.

• What do Phil Spector, Bob Geldof, the REAL Anakin Skywalker, Melting Nazis, and Lindsay Lohag all have in common? I dunno, but they creep the living FORK outta me!

• There’s nothing Grimm about Bellucci

• Want real Britney news, you know where to go. Want stoopid Britney stuff, then click here.

• Kournikova eats a popsicle. Want Moooore?

• Hey, is anyone seeing Gang of 14 tonight at the 9:30 Club?

• Educated consumers click here for 10% off.

• Normally I shun all things cartoony (sides Gorillaz videos and pre-1985 Disney stizz), but in this case, I’ll make an eggggggggsception. [Parker Sister]

• Just what my dad wants, a Skins’ jersey that sez ‘Name’ on it!! Then he’d be 1/2 as cool as his son who has ‘Your Name’ on his.

• Bid on Amy Sedaris’ John Hancocked Bust!

• The definitive Dark Side Over The Rainbow

• Billy Murray geht wieder mal unter die Geister!

• Pakula, this one’s for you: Thundercats Outtakes! [via the Gold DiSpencer]

• Cybernetic Parrot Sausage AND Origami w/Hot Dogs? [via Nipsy Newbsy]

• If you click on only one thing today, make it How To Dance Like A White Guy [via 1,2,3, Look @ Richie Lee]

• And while some people have gone the way of Skeletor, others juss keep getting better by the day. Cuthsplurt, how could I ever dispose you as Queen of Thighland? I’ll never say ‘never ever’, cause I never ever would have guessed that Keds could give me a Boner Stabone. Anywayz…

[via the always mammoth, UMC]

• So what is Jack Bauer to do NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW, NOOOOOOOOOW that he is a man without a bourne identity, a man without a country, and a man who will probably never ever eat Chinese food again. Tom Wellington, Me, & Mies van der Rohe all think there is only one logical next step: call up Stephen J. Cannell and start up a new A-Team!! Can’t u juss see Jack assuming the role of ‘Hannibal’, Behrooz Araz as ‘BA’, Jude Law as ‘Faceman’, Jack Black as ‘Howling Mad’ Murdock, and Jack’s daughter Kim (you know, ELISHA CUTHBEST) as ‘Triple A’ Amy Amanda Allen, who will only last one season, just like the original character did. Somehow they’d also have to work in Chloe, who returned to her people down in Fraggle Rock, Edgar, who semi-retired to challenge the skills of Takeru Kobayashi, Tony ‘THE MAN’ Almeida, who works for the National Institute of Whispering, and President Palmer, who’s gotz his good hands tied up with Allstate.

• Related #1: But is dearest Her Royal Thighness the II better suited for the mystery female role in MI3?

• Related #2: A-Team Drinking Game

• Trump University. Too bad there aint no courses on ‘Dealing With Bad Hair’, ‘How To Have Beautiful Children Like Me When You Look Like… Me’, and ‘TV & VCR Repair’.

• Me loves it when a star denies a report and then a Brit paper/site reports that as a ‘slam’. Latest: Mischa & Brandon’s splitsville report AND Lohan & her weight.

• Senate centrists agree, Monica Bellucci has some killer knockers [all 3 NSFW]! “Oh…. thank you, Doctor.“

• Madness to strap on their baggy trousers in their house, make a new album, and yes, finally visit our shore sometime in the fall. Or so B-Board claims.

• J-Fo working 9 to 5 again? Seems Dolly Parton and Lily Tomlin are game, but how come no word from The Dabney?

• Somethings are breast left alone, as the crap that they is.

• Wouldn’t want to be at the Knowles’ this T-giving.

• Please be true to your words and leave. Please take those comments back and yer cloths off!

• Charlie’s Dingbats

• Peace the FORK out to the importance of (used to) being Ernest T. Bass AND to a man who was soo grrrrrrrrrrrrrreeaat!

• A bunch o’ Star Werz crap: Two more doses of Fark Photoshop genius (hispecially these: 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5), one set from Worth1000 (HOT), Allah Ackbar, Darth Vader, jerk-ass, and now thief, StoreWars, The Last Supper, B-Wagon Boy reviews Star Wars 6 The Attack of the Sixth, and at least ONE good thing came out of all this: more of our dearest Natalie [via DataW?/EgoMyTastics/JJ/Other Crap]

• No Batdance 2005

• Benicio Del HERO

• Am I a B-List Blogerrebrityiggizillzedydo cause these guys are the #1 Google result for ‘thighs’?

• Juss to be clear, Regynyouth is not Regnyouth

• I heart anything written on Skeet On Mischa

• Albert Hammond, Jr, dropped as a baby

• Tell Uncle Rico that the dream is dead

• While the search continues for the real Cliff Engle, here’s the story behind the Cliff behind the Notes.

• And so castles made of sand fall in the sea, eventually.

• Anyone want some pizza with yer Posh Spice pepperoni? [NSFW]

• Ball Boys, Fat Boys, & Frat Boys [last NSFW]

• Man Leaps From Car to Retrieve Cigarette. Maybe Rooney WAS on to something… or at least he’s on the path to immortality.

• Kiddie Records Weekly

• RentMyDaughter AND RentMySon dot coms? We’ve come a long way since My Buddy & Kid Sister. [via Zach de la Roachclip]

• MK, PHONE HOME!!

• Spinning gold teeth to impress all your friends! [via CEF]

• Demon Days drops today, SON! You must buy it NOWWWW or Jack Bauer will be forced to eat Sesame Chicken in a Chinese jail. I mean, when a band has to choose between Dennis Hopper and J.R. Ewing to guest star on their album, you know that shiz is gonna be off the coat rack AND redonkeylous! And tit tis! NO DOUBT!!!

• Although not as magnificent as Twin Peaks was after season one (& sadly often compared to), Desperate H-wives wrapped up round 1 in about as high fashion and class as it started with. And to tell the truth, the hotnessies left for us to mull over during our summer vacay’s are far more interesting than the ones the OC dropped on us last week. Don’t spank me wrong, I’d can’t wait to see Mischa bend over for the soap in jail and becoming the Andy Dufresne for a whole new generation, but that juss doesn’t compare to Zack/Dana/Pothead’s looneybinness, RFK’s second meeting with death, and the unsolved reasoning behind Carlos being all ‘crotch-mouthed’ (genius term dreamt up by Michelle on Tvgasm). Soon I may replace ‘is it football season yet?’ with ‘is it Marcia Cross season yet? [last semi-NSFW]

• Spice Girls To Reform?!?!?!?!!!! I mean, this isn’t as big as Gang of Four (whomever the fork they are) getting back together, but this begs the question, when will Our Gang reunite?

• Kate Boosworth could have been Katie Holmes?!?!?

• Stream the new Stripes & watch their new video

• Yabba dabba later

• Antonio Banderas to play Dali. Interesting choice, but maybe he would’ve been a better choice to play van Dyke.

• Gavrilo Princip woulda had such an easier time assassinating Franz Ferdinand had he know about dem peanuts. But it’ll take a lot more than an allergic reaction to Arachis hypogaea to keep the Archdukes from Live Aid, now called Live 8.

• Is this guy the second choicen one?

• Motley Crue vs Duran²

• Time Magazine, you know, the authority on all things film, have unleashed their list of the All-Time Top 100 Movies. They sloboviously cant be trusted if A Clockwork Orange, Cloak & Dagger AND Escape From The Planets of the Apes were all omitted.

A now for a bunch of blog related blog stuff…

• I don’t really know what all this fazzle with Blogebrity is, but apparently I’m only good enuff to be a B-List Blogebrity. Are you forking kidding me? I mean, this alone is worthy of A-Listedness! At least they don’t know my real identity. And until the day I get elevated to A-List status, Blogebrity will be a B-List Cewebrity.

• Nike iD enlists the help of the blogerati to design shoes/whore out their products. So who’s kicks have the most kick? And how am I too choose between Stereo’s, Pradashoppe’s, Aeki’s, Melody’s, Coolfie’s, & Leafblower’s? And out of all dem beautiful peeps, which one eats the most boxes of Kix? And when will Adidas let me design their shoes? Is it cause I want to make the first sneaker made from corn?

• Only the combo of me, Trey Atwood, and my man boobs could make Pink go red!

• GoldenFiddle.com, don’t call it a come back. Cause it’s a be back.

• TWS, yer 5th 4th result when searching for all things ‘Pam Mueller’

• And BritPoppa apparently discovers the Who’s Quadrophenia font.

Back to yer regularly scheduled crap on a stick…

• Tom Cruise to direct Steve Spielberg in a movie about a Russian immigrant?

• Every time I read about her, I juss can’t get the image of Penelope Ann Miller out of my head.

• Mr Cliff Engle lives, but not of 80s NFL sweater fame. The search continues for the real man behind the cloth of the gawds.

• Rooney babble ons about ashtrays, matches, and cigarette holders. And apparently, if you smoke, yer more likely to be an idiot.

• Why are soap operas called “soap operas”?

• Twin Bobbleheads

• Speakers on &: Nooooooooooooooooooo! Which comes a close 2nd to YTMND in my heart. [via Leader of the Pak Man]

• Be the only earthling to own 6 Freezer Freakies Beanies

• I take it all back, there is one sport in the summertime that I actually like to watch: Women moaning in tight clothing whilst smacking balls. Hispecially womenez who are in a hurry, that be curvy, and that make the BlogFather’s pants all filled with slurry.

• What a week it has been FOX’s pin-up toy Logan Marshall Green! First Jack Bauer ALMOST chopped off his legs and threw him into a lava pit when he tried to choke Padame, but he saved himself when he admitted how much he loved cock and how he thinks his TV dad looks like a Kennedy family reject. Then just last night, he was taking it easy with Orange County’s most easiest when all hell broke loose again. Almost as loose as said girl. Seems his brother Rygar wasn’t too fond of his fondling of the hottiest woman in the world named Mischa. Well, lettuce juss say he gots what he deserved as the OCk ended with a BANG! And with 24 peacing its fork out this Monday, I guess its time to bid adieu to the man we call Logan Marshall Trey Richard Heller Green Atwood. You will be missed. And by missed, I mean I’d shit on your house, at the first very first chance I get, like Ronald Miller did to earn respeck on his best friend Kenneth‘s house in Can’t Buy Me Love. If Brian Austin Green couldn’t buddy hacket, how can you?

• Why is women be so darn beautifulski and men are so (Michael) Gross?

• Lohag, still nasty

• Lohag Felicity in MI3?

• Depp to go gonzo again. Last time around was genius… too bad the movie wasn’t.

• Aye ca-WHAT-a, Bart is a mayor?

• Woah, the OG Lebowski Fest mcnabbed They Might Be Giants this year!

• BV skims thru the semi-hard to navigate NYC’s River2River Summer Fest site to give you the best of the best breast of the breast! No confirm on the Fiery Furnabest show… yet.

• Guns ‘NÂ’ Roses Album Update #1,367, and no I didn’t make up that headline!

• The Stripes are in such a hurry this summer. I guess you could call them RUSSIANS! Speaking of my ancestors, why not download Roxette’s greatest hits from one of their fine internets portals!

• Beck loves Cali

• Boring just got bigger!

• Gorillaz brainchildren, Jamie Hewlett and Damon Albarn, will be making the following in-store appearances next week:

May 24 – Newbury Comics, Boston, 7pm
May 25 – Criminal Records, Atlanta, 6pm
May 26 – Virgin Megastore, Union Square NYC, 12-2pm

• Geri ‘Ginger Snatch Spice’ Halliwell’s gig of a lifetime: Blur in the ’95? I knew she was deliscumptious, but I didn’t realize she had good taste too!

• Fooled by Justin/Fubar 2.0/Don’t Link This‘ disappearing act? I was never worried for a second, but me likes the new look, hispecially seein’ Thighs occupy the top link slot. Dare I say, thanks a slot?

• Chewie may pick up his chicks at Cons, but Darth makes his living off em!

• Damn, I was really hoping to sue my 1st grade baseball coach for patting me on the ass as I rounded first base.

• Silent Flute dug up some hot snaps from the 24 season finale. Peeep em here, here, here, and here!

• Unfortunate Star Wars Costumes

• And now for the other OC, the REAL OC: Ocean City, Merryland, where me and the fellers, who attended the 11th best high school in AMORICA (!), will be celebrating the waning freedom days of one Davi Phil El Hofbergo… who oddly enough reminds me of a kindler, gayer (only cause he’s too good in the kitchen), Ryan Atwood. Anywho, did you know that there’s a growing rivalry between the two OCs that no one even knows about??? Either spray, I’m thinking that Misch’s and mine’s love will erase the rift that seperates our two great OCs. I guess we’ll juss have to wait and O’sea.

Pee es – as you probably gathered, dearest Pammy Pam was not able to come back and beat Mr Mustachio. A sad day indeed. And although she did not win the big monies I still would heavily consider letting her have the honor of taking my super sperm and turning it into super sexy smart and smart-arsed children.

• Lohag to star in Mission Impossible 3?!?!??!?! Although none of the MI movies have been remotely watchable, this call makes about as much sense as letting the dude who makes Mad Libs write the sequel to Homer’s The Odyssey, or choosing KFC fried chicken for a picnic over Popeyes, or sitting down to watch UPN for 3 straight hours of programming, or going to college to actually learn things, or beating off to Rosie O’Donnell playing a retard. Have I made my point clear? If this ever happens, Satan has won. [via Defamer]

• Did you know that I attended the ELEVENTH BEST HIGH SCHOOL IN THE COUNTRY! EAT THAT LOSERS WHO KANT SPELLS OR USAGES GRAMER CO-erect-LEE!!! ROCKET PRIDE & ROCKET POWER FOREVER BIZATCHESZZ!! [via the I-Train]

• Coldplay set to bore 36 cities

• Talk bout doing a 180, Marty Freedawg gonna follow Hitchhiker’s with Anthony Minghella’s latest, Breaking And Entering, co-starring Jude Law (whom I’d love as my own personal cole slaw)

• Orlando B(l)oo learned how to act from lizards. Explains why he’s so boring, but not why he refuses to star in a movie that takes place in the 20th or 21st century.

• Hayden Christensen, NOT gay?

• Who knew Borat loved the Knicks and chilled with Sandler? And good luck Timmy R trying to follow-up what Ali G did last year.

• Apparently Jim Henson’s crew wants to scare the crap outta me again! Speaking of, cant wait til Six Feet Under returns this summer.

• Will the US Open’s blue courts cause blue balls? I dunno, but I bet she’s caused many o’ cases of them!

• Z is for trailer

• Behold, the new and improved WhiteStripes.com. I hear if you visit it each day, you’ll keep the doctor away and the Kip at bay.

• Duran squared to get all orchestrated.

• The fine peoples that brought you Slice are done with za and have moved on to bigger and better burgers with A Hamburger Today. Hopefully they’ll do an international version as I’m dying to know how the burgers of Calais taste!

• Saving Adrmiral Ackbar & this & this!

• Tickets for the Digable Planets show @ Irving Platz are on-sale. Who’s in? [via The Vegan]

• Jeopardy! is looking for the next Ken Jennings Pam Mueller in the following cities: NYC, Philly, Memphis, & Bostonia.

• SexySlumberParty.com [SFW], a part of probably the most decent Simpsons‘ episode I’ve seen/the only episode I’ve sat thru in 2 years! [All Thangs Christ]

• A Pringles Flagship Store in Times Square?

• This will make you feel pathetic

• The world’s largest building made of Lego pieces? [via Cubicle Hater]

• Lion Mutilates 42 Midgets in Cambodian Ring-Fight [via the midget source, Zach de la Roachclip]

• ALMOST as much fun as watching someone play Burger Time [via K to the P]

• Nuttin beats an internets site choc fulla animated gifs of women beating up people, sometimes utilizing their thighs. [via T Gunzzzzzz]

• And nobody tears up the Côte d’Azur like mees and my’s crew!! Sorry yer missin’ out on all the fun Cuthy, but after taking part in these brat-wurstestest photos of all’sthymer, I had no choice but to leave you at home.