Thighs Wide Shut

[via The Superfish]

• I loves it when there be mad press goings on for things I really love. Last month it was a sea of Cuthbestedness for House of Wax Dat A$$, and now it’s the Gorillaz turn! Not only did we learn that their new tour will once again feature the same impersonal silhouette display they rocked back in the ’02 from B-board, but even the NY Times dropped some scoopage (+ a great pic of Mr Albarn on a bike!) like the Dreamworks feature film is not going to happen and that Danger Mouse will be on board for the next Blur album.

• Speaking of, details of Graham’s next crackers revealed! Hey Coxy, save sum of dem idears for yer former bandmates.

• Can yous bee leave someone ponyed up 7.4 mills to get Destiny’s Child to play their son’s Bar Mitzvah? If yer daddy had a fat bank roll who would you choose to make you Bar/Bat Mitzvah the mos rockinest Jewfest of all? For me, it would have to be the keepers of the keytars, Air. Although I bet it wouldn’t cost to much too get the Fiery Furnaces in general.

• 2B purrrfectlee honest, Andy Rooney is berry umcredible & unrelievable. I mean, I’ve always wanted to hear him say ‘itÂ’s, like, cool, man.’

• New Radiohead Album Out Early 2006?

• I don’t even know who you are anymore.

• Even if Natalie was a bald cancer-stricken-neo-Nazi-lesbian, I’d and you’d still bone her six ways from Saturday.

• First PS3 photo?

• Ladytron & Madness to tour Engerland (not together) this summer, but when the fork are they States bound?

• The Wendy’s missing digit mystery has finally been fingered out.

• R2-D2 hates on C3-PO

• Anybody know this Star Wars character’s name?

• WHAT?!?!?! The only good thing that could possib-lee come out of this is another round of McDonald’s Dick Tracy Crimestopper (scratch-off) Game, which I now will be on the look out for on eBay.

• Speaking of… Nintendo Game + Bad Movie = Pure Entertainment

• Liam Gallagher to star opposite Begbie?

• Trent is The New Messiah was chosen as the NY Post’s 10th entry on their weekly Hot List. I guess the Post doesn’t realize that he’s gay.

• How long can I stay tuned for their next move?

• Anyone looking to buy yer beloved Thigh Mizzle a gift and have $200 to spare? Look no further!!

• Come play with us Danny, for ever and ever and EVER!

• May is National Bike Month! Somebody call Eric Thomann!!

• Classic Car Commercials

• Anyone else going to the Kasabian show at Bowery tonight? I’m flying solo and need someone to rock out with. Look for me sans sunglasses & corn.

• Forgot to mention this last week, but Jeopardy! honey/my future wife, Pam Mueller, won her Elite 18 match against a bunch of social butterflies in the Tournament of Champions. This week she will compete in the Semi-Finals, and get one step closer to takin on dorkmaster Ken Jennings in the final round. My TiVo® pause button, Jergens® & Kleenex® are all ready 2 gogh!

• And a belated 29th burthday wish goes out to UK uber-cutie pie Martine McCutcheon [NSFW]. Boy I sure would like to McTouchen her mar’hiney.

• Tell me dear Thighlanders, what would you dan rather read, this SuperCrapolaCelebBlog or a Voltron-esque one where Pinky, The Fiddler, The BlogFather, Stereogizzle, and myself all joined forces? That’s like 37 chambers of death son!

• Speaking of hot pics of me and maize, you’alls think I forgot about the CornMe Photoshop contest? FORK no bizatches! I’ve juss been waiting for some quality submissions, not the crap on the stick I’ve been gettin. So don’t hesitate, and send em NOW! [Note: some of the submishuns have been franztastic, but i juss want MORE!!]

• Speaking of umcredible photoshopping, the Fark Crew tackle possible promo posters for Star Wars: TV [via 1.21 Gigabestest]

• Hopefully this will put an end to those Renee ‘Pufferfish’ Smellweger & Jack White rumors. But what will the world do now that Orlando Boo has moved on after Lois Lame?

• I really lovin this Mischa Keds campaign. First there was the jungle fever, and now they got her in pink panties drinking milk. I dunno what that has to do with cruddy shoes, but GAWD I love boney women with strong bones whom I’d love to bone. BONE HOME baby from this bonhomme!! And do you think it’s the ape’s or my fault that her and Brandon are on their way to splitsville?

• Besides Freddy Got Fingered, anything Tom Green does is genius. Here’s hoping that trend continues with his rejuvenated rap career.

• Arnold Schwarzenegger does not want to destroy the moon. He really juss wants to get his a$$ to Mars. [last link NSFW]

• Franz fanz demandz the return of Alex’es hair.

• Portman to join Sinead O’ in a remake of Alien3?

• Hey, it beats pin the tail on the South Korean, doesn’t it?

• Didn’t realize that the new NIN was THAT good! [via Metafilts]

• I blame Sydney Pollack. I blame Jackson Pollock.

• Eels with strings!

• BRMC to return, but will anyone care? Maybe the should add a ‘The’ to their name.

• Keira Knightley’s butt was out of shape.

• Peace le fork out to the co-writer of Dumbo’s LSD trip.

• I guess he was sick of using DrivingMrsDaisy.com

• Download away! [via Maple Leafer]

• All Eyes On Jennifer Wilbanks

• Is this Dr Phil’s attempt at winking or juss saying ‘yes’ to Pat O’?

• Utz, when will u let me design your shirts!!

• CrochetMyCrotch.com [via Zach de la Roachclip]

• no coffee

• A Timeline of Confectionery [via House of Whacker]

• Sonic the H-hog heaven [via Justin Case]

• Clouds that look like things

• Toss-up, which smells wursterer: microwaved tuna fish covered in sulfur or this 2,000 year old shoe?

• Go Bonzo on dem drums!

• Vibrator For Children [via Brawny-Steen-Stein]

• Cuthbest’s next joint, Captivity, will be the greatestist Roland Joffe movie MT EVEREST (well, maybe 2nd to The Killing Fields)! At least someone knows talent when they see it… unlike the d-bags over at Maxim. Apparently the lad mag couldn’t squeeze HRT the II into der busted-arsed list of the Top Hot 100. WaaaaaaaaaHUUUTT!!?!? Sure Beaut Barfon made an appearance, but dat doesn’t make up for this blovious omission. I mean, on what planet do u have to hail from to think Mena ‘Surfin’ Suvari is attractive? Probably the same rock that her conehead head people be from. TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER Maxim crackheadz cause I wanna smack you’alls in the face. Plus, there’s only on Maxim in my book and that’s George Fortescu Maximillian ‘Maxim’ de Winter of Rebecca fame.

[via JJ]

House of Wax
Wax Off ON!
View Trailer

Sick of all these horror remakes that are about as scary as The Great Muppet Caper? Well BREAST assure peeps, cause the House of Wax is the real deal! And by real deal, I mean GREATEST HORROR MOVIE STARRING PURTY DURTY TEENS SINCE Scream, as I declared after catching it at the Tribeca Film Fest. Don’t spank me wrong, this isn’t on par with the hedgemazingness of The Shining, but with all the poop-a-doop that the studios have been shoving down our thrizz as of late (Freddy vs. Pointless, The Michael Bay Massacring of The Entire Horror Genre) I was udderly sirprized at how enthralling AND thrilling it truly was. About an hour into the movie, me was thinking to meself, hey me, this movie has gone on for about an hour and you know what me, it DOESN’T SUCK!! It also didn’t hurt that this is the first movie starring Elisha Cuthbest, post-Her Royal Thighness the II coronation, so o’ course I’m gonna give this movie the highest of high marks I can gives it. I mean, I still wanna get laid by the Mrs, right? In total, there must of been 54 qts of liquid (drool & jizz) emitted by me during the course of the film (ranks 3rd best of all time in my record books). And aint dem wax figures naturally freaky by design? I know they scare the livin bejesus outta me… hispecially this one I saw of Whoopi Goldberg in San Antonio. I’ve seen the original 3-D version of H of W and Paris wuz right, she and Elisha are much hotter than Vincent Price. I’d like to add that their version is also much hottier and scarier too! See it NOW, or I’ll have Jack Bauer come to your house and scream ‘NOW’ in your ears until they bleed wax.

Recommended for those who like: sweaty men, dirty laundry, and seeing Coach Carter’s son spend a night in Paris.

Possible Porno Name: House of Wax Dat Ass, DUHVS!

Unsatisfied with this? Then you obvs aint a ThighsWideReader. Go back to your boring sites or wherever u came from and NEVER come back!

• Dr Phil’s Pat O’ special last night? More F$%KING hot than a night of coked-fueled hooker threesomes, which kinda sounds like any Mon-Sun night for the Peabs and the Coz. But I wasn’t so f#@king into it like I was when me and Tom Wellington made the ultimate megamix. If you are sick of all this Pat O’ stuff, juss look at me and wink, or say “m’yes”.

• Today is 05/05/05. At 5:55 PM sharp, your penis/vagina will explode.

• Hey, lets award movies that blow donkey balls AND seem like they were released 12 years ago! C’mon, u think Cuthsplurt’s gonna show up to eggcept an award for kissing that d’bag Emile Hirschy Squirts? At least a ceremony eggsists where both Orlando Boo & Kate Booosworth have a shot at winning an award almosto as meaningless as a People’s Choice Award (btw, who are these people?). And does MTV need someone for ’06 to come up with new categories? How bout ‘Wurstest Vince Vaughn Movie’ (would always be a 6-way tie in my book)? Or ‘Mostest Pretentious Piece of Crap of The Year’ (a neck and neck race betwixt Snoozerbergh & Gus van Stank)? And what kind of country would we be if we didn’t hand out accolades for ‘Best Use of Sweaty Breastesez’?

• Redskins say peace the fork out to Mr Elisabeth Filarski

• Grosser than gross

• 1997 – the best year in music? Productshop, like Gareth Keenan, invetigates. Personally, I think ’98 was the dills snills cause two of the greatestist albums of allls thymes came out: Beck’s Mutations & Air’s Moon Safari

• What’s the dorkiest thing one could ever own, yet no one would ever know about cause you live in yer parent’s basement? These Light AND Dark side CPUs.

• Revenge of Nerds: the mp3 player? Somewhere Takashi‘s beating on his gong and the boys and the Mu’s are clapping along [rest of rap found here]! What do we do next Booger? [via The H-Lister]

• I knew I should traded my Gregg Jefferies Rated Rookie for that Karol Wojtyla card!

• Is Will Forte a member of Kraftwerk?

• The Empire strikes fat! [via Andre Dawson Fan #1]

• Is this considereded HRT the II’s first ever blog entry? We truly are made for each other. I mean, we both like typing words and both love glue! I was so proud of Eli that I HAD to be the first to leave a comment, natch! And the madness don’t stop der folks! After our rendezvous with destiny last weekend, Cuthy and her Wax crew occupied the same place/dime with the every lorvely Paige Six Six Six. OMG, wit dat much hotness in one room, I’m sirprized the cameras didn’t melt within like 4 seconds. Meooow and 7/7ths!! [spanks to Amberella for her blog entry]

BONUS late link: Rosie O’Donnell is or plays a retardeded retard

• Is that Jenna Bush’s bush [NSFW] dat I o’ say can I see????#~@?$?~?$%$ And twat do we all owe this (dis)honor??? By the Lays, she kinda reminds me of a chubbier Cuthbest. [clam bake via Zach de la Roachclip, other pic via Fark]

• Page Six Six Six to be deep sixed by Page Six? Does that mean that dear ole Paige Six will be 86ed by Turk 182!? [Gawker article via Jared, cause I don’t read Gawker… sorry Jess :(]

• Ex-Maryland great, Juan Dixon was inspired by the internets to not play all sucky-like, our beloveded Guns n’ Rosenthal reports. Hopefully something similar will happen where Kate Booosworth reads this site and ceases to be borrrrrrrrring.

• Sick of Ultragrrrrrrrrl? Too bad.

• Bestest Trent pink texty thing of ’05 [via Some Site]

• Coach Carter meets Pulp Fiction meets Chris Chelios? [via MerWizzle]

• Jennifer Wilbanks Runaway Bride Wedding Kit! [The Miami Vikings of Bloggeriah]

• How many Mischa Bartons = one XL member of the Davis clan? I say, maybe 16? [via ONTD]

• Say g’bye to yer free whack-off matz you Texan high schoolers!

• More Ron Mexico clothing [another via Z de la R]

• Steve Irwin can’t help but be… Steve Irwin

• I hate cartoons, but… [via Johnny Dollah Dollar Bill Y’alls]

• Dancing Mascots Animated Gif [via the new Hotness]

• Did anyone see Pat O’Brien at Coachella ? [NYDailyNewz/Spence]