Thighs Wide Shut

• And while wees saying g’bye, lettuce say HELLO TO ACTUALLY HAVING REAL SPORTS ON YOUR NETWORK NBC!!

• Is there anyone straight pimpin’ music info better these daze than the Vegan? Eggzibit A. And there are an arseload of MP3 blogs round these internets, but most serve up crap you wouldn’t even let a deaf person listen too. Thereforski, I suggest you make a pitstop at Your Old Kentucky Home… the only thing KY has to offer, besides the OG Lebowski Fest & AWFUL fried chicken. Pee es – I still heart you Torr!

• Ben & Jerry introduce Dave Matthews Band’s ‘Magic Brownies’. Next up on the list? How bout Trey Anastasio’s ‘Mustachio Pistachio’, Ween’s ‘Pure Guava’ Sherbert, and Franz Ferdinand’s ‘Archduke Assassination Cherry Ripple’. [via ONTD]

• Zzzzzzzzzzootopia, The Zzzzzzooma tour, and Zzzzzzzziggy Starsnooze and her technicolor eyes. ‘Scuse me while I taketh a nap.

• Peter Murphy to tour. Anyone cool enuff to be included on the Pump Up The Volume SDTK is aiiiiight by me.

• Coldplay New Cover Art Decoded

• Uncle Grambo, Trent Lotts, an Epcot Center tee, and plenty of bubbles = the new 11.

• The Number of F$#ks In Deadwood. I’ll never know, cause of the jihad I placed on westerns. [via Mr Thought]

• When did people first start doing “the wave” at sporting events?

• Cell phone graves?

• I have no arms, I have no legs, but hey, I CAN DANCE! [loud vid via Justin The Great]

• Frynally, SummerStage sorta updates their dang site and here’s a list of the overpriced shows (which go on sale this Sat, the 23rd @ 12pm) thus far…

Saturday, June 4th – 5:30pm doors
The Killers
Louis XIV
Tickets: $32.50 advance

Monday, June 20th – 5:30pm doors
Modest Mouse
Tickets: $30 advance

Wednesday, June 29th – 4:30pm doors
David Byrne
Featuring the Tosca Strings
Tickets: $37 advance

Thursday, July 14 – 4:30pm doors
Dinosaur Jr.
Broken Social Scene
Tickets: $37.25 advance

Monday, July 18th – 6:30pm doors
An Evening with Lyle Lovett
Tickets: $39.50 advance

Tuesday, July 19th – 6:00pm doors
Elvis Costello & The Imposters
featuring the vocal stylings of Emmylou Harris
Tickets: $57.50 advance

Thursday, August 18th – 5:30 doors
Death Cab for Cutie
The Decemberists
Stars
Tickets: $30 advance

• And Cuth-ness, I wanted to tell you the following face to sitting on my face, but here it goes: I’m sorry sweet-teets, but I like totally cheated on yous and yer fine arse crease this past tweakend with Ivanka and her luscious harris/jackson lips. She was so in the mood to pump some iron and since you know how much I love irony and that my penis is made out of a recycled 9-iron, I had no choice but to oblige. Plus she hypnotized me with her hypnothighs. But it’s all your fault THIGHNESS!!! If we didn’t sit around eating microwaved tunafish and play Donkey Conga all the time, then maybe this would have never happened!!

• Who said people in Des Moines don’t have des taste? Why lookie who won their des Moose Madness shabangalang for chrysler out loud!?!? Her Royal Hotness spelt doom for des Heidi Klum! Mos Des! Not even this alien photoshopping of her face can make her des nasty! [via Thigh Slave/Tr3nt]

• Download the new Stripes’ single ‘Blue Orchid‘ [via Scenestars]

• Getty’s gotz many a pics of Brandon ‘Mouth’ Routh as Superman.

• Matzo and Metal: A Very Classic Passover [via Posh & Becker]

• Chess’ version of the Malice @ The Palace.

• The two tours I need to see before me die.

• Non-albino to play albino in da Da Vinci Code?

• The premade unused prequel to The Exorcist will finally get a release. So I guess that will be two Exorcist prequels that no one will see.

• And speaking of releases… why re this?

• If yer husband got three Oscar noms for your co-stars, but zilcherino for you, wouldn’t you divorce him too? OH my yes!

• Gawd, I wish I was a crack-smoking rockstar.

• Burt Prelutsky (whoever the fork that is) hates on Andy Rooney, by sounding like Andy Rooney.

• Apparently Mr Bean’s pockets aren’t very deep anymo.

• Gruesome twosome: Maria Bartiromo & Joey Ramone? [see 5th item down]

• I thought I told your granny to stop acting like a jackass in public.

• Nintendo theme songs dunn up acapella Scott Skiles styles!! Zelda’s best, game AND song! [via Juwanamaker]

• And if I ran Hollyweird, I’d see to it that every movie includes a scene of a woman soaking her breasts with lemons. Bless you Louis Malle, for getting Susan Sarandon to do juss that in yer Atlantic City. And even at age 28,9321,3, I’d still wanna watch SS turn her yummy-yummy-yam-yams into lemonade stands!

• What to do this tweakend? Well, if you’re me, you beg and bribe one of yer breastest friends, with Popeyes Fried Chicken thighs and back rubs, into taking you to the secret Beck show. I’m lookin in yer direction MEGBOT! Or should I brown nose a lil and say ‘MegHOT’? C’mon, I got us into that secret Annie show last night at the Try-Becca Grand!! That was almost as rock out with cock outable as when we saw t.A.T.u. perform on Carson Daly!! But for the rest of you squares, esp you NYCers, please do not waste yer time seeing…

Palindromes
ThismovieblowsgoatstaogswolbeivomsihT
Trailer

While Alexander Payne makes movies where you can identify with the characters and situations, Todd Solondz is on the other end of that spectrum. Solondz’es movies are filled with painful people, doing painful things, in the most painful situations that we all pray will never ever happen in our lifetimes. What is you forking deal bro? Did mumsy and daddy beat you with a sock filled with walnuts? Did your wicked uncle Ernie fiddle about with you? Out of his three previous flicks, Welcome To The Dollhouse, Happiness, and Storytelling, only that last one was remotely watchable, meaning I didn’t have to take 16 showers afterwards just to feel clean again. I was hoping that trend would continue here, but sadly (more like gladly) that was not the case. Solondz goes right back to ugliness that no one really needs to intake. Here’s the dreadful story this go around: an awkward young teenage girl named Aviva gets pregnant, parents force her to abort, then she runs away to discover… gawd knows what: pedophiles, religious crusaders, abortion doctor killahs, and a Partridge Familyesque collection of handicaps and mentally retarded kids. If that’s not enuff to make you slit yer eyes out w/out even seeing it, how bout the fact that the actress who plays Aviva, changes 7 or more times! First she’s a lil chubby black girl, then a dumpy white girl, then a skinny white girl with red hair, then some other white girl, then a huge-ass black girl, etc. and finally Jennifer Jason Leigh?!?!??? WTF? Egggzactly. Stay home and cut off your ears instead. That would be more enjoyable and you’d still have 10 bones in yer pocket.

Recommended for those who like: torturing themselves, the sound of fingernails on a chalk board, and Lyndie England’s hot bod.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix any other movie in eggsistance as I guarantee it’ll be better. [repost from Rocktober]

Anywho…

• Word has it that TWO FF bands will be performing at this year’s fantabulos & free River 2 River concert series: The Fab Faux (Beatles tribute band) and nun other den, los Fiery Furnaces. [via Manic Messiah]

• Take a peep at the next Gus van Sant movie I won’t be sitting thru: Last Days. Michael Pitt the ‘actor’ as a quasi-Kurt Cobain? Break out the razors u juss used for Palindromes, cause our eyes will need slitting. How could this be Lukas Haaaasable? [via K-Pecker]

• Wanna more comprehesive review of the MSG Duran Squared show with 98% less OMGs and more words? Click here.

• Ms Mod previews the new Stripes’ disc.

• The OC is filled with more irony than Michael Ironside reading Kornheiser’s Pumping Irony. Case example: playing Daft Punk’s ‘Technologic’ at Trey’s 21st B-day ecstacy bash, followed by LCrapD Soundsystem’s ‘Daft Punk Is Playing At My House’.

• Be the only person on earth to own a UW-Whitewater Warhawks sweater. Whilst there, u can also find one of the answers to this week’s umpossible crossword… which no one has yet to hand it. Tsk tsk, all over yer floppy disks.

• What was the #1 song on YOUR b-day? Sorry Debby Boone, but you don’t ‘Light Up My Life’. [via 1,2,3, Look @ Mr Lee. 3,4,5, look @ him jive!]

• I promise, THIS is the last Terri Schiavo-related thing I ever post! [via Zach de la Roachclip]

• April Golden Showers Bring My F$%king Urine All Over Your Effing Ooh-Jah!

• Ever wonder what me and the Mrs. do in our free time at Corn Palace? Besides being forced to watch hours upon zours of Cuthy’s highlight reels, 24 high-beam stizz included, we sometimes juss kick it and play Grambs‘ fav, Donkey Kongas! [link help via Juwanamaker/Brawny Man]

• I juss watched the Domino trailer again, this time on the preferred QT format, and I have a request out there to any superstar DJ who reads this site. Can you pease make me a 76 minute mix filled wit nuttin but phat beats and Keira Knightley saying ‘My name is Domino Harvey. I am a bounty hunter.‘ over and over? I can pay you in tacos. And feel free to throw a Howard Dean ‘I Have A Scream’ or 6 in if you like.

• ZZzzzzZzzzz. And even more ZZzzzzZzzzz as Lois LAME!

• Peace the fork out to woman whom you’d only recognize by face, not by name.

• 622 music vids, all at yer disposal (too bad Iron Maiden, Sonic Youth, & LL Cool J makes up like 53/61 of that list). Twas a pleasure to see the B-Boy’s ‘Netty’s Girl’ again after all these years. Them Bastard Boys, for some reason, omitted it from their DVD. Cryin’ effin shame! Also, if you’ve never seen the NSFW Prodigy vid for ‘Smack My Bitch Up’, then u’ve never seen a real music video… no wonder MTV banned it. [via MetaFilter]

• Don’t lie to me, but I bet you didn’t buy Moby’s Hotel. Well, how bout givin’ some listenage to the bestest song off the album, and my mos flavorite single of the year: ‘Raining Again‘. [via My Old KY Jelly Home]

• Stripes name new album Get Behind Me Satan. I can juss see the lawsuits a’comin!

• Snoop Dizzle Dawg to work with The Archdukes? Maybe he wants to channel Bob Dylan on his next LP too!

• Ultimate Warrior, the ultimate arseface? And is ‘queering’ considered an gerund? [via the D to the mutherstickin V]

• You can juss tell by lookin at this pic from the Dukes of Hazzard flick dat tits gonna be a shitstain and 3/7ths. General lee e speaking, who wants to get me this, or this or this non Brothers Duke item?

• Gr8 cover to an almost gr8 movie. Although I may have to viddy it again before making such closing arguments.

• Olivia Newton WOW, you’re still FLY honey!

• The latest 40 images posted to Live Journal. Hit refresh over and over and before you know it, the work day will be over. [via Ultraness]

• Boo has a new name and it’s…

• Bandwagon Boy, one of my bigger influences in life.

• John Kerry is pretty in pink.

• Does anyone have a better smile than Richard Kind?

• Dead Celebrity Soulmate Search. How’d they know I totally wanna give Agatha Christie a Kansas City Car Wash all over her Orient Express. If that doesn’t work out, I may opt for an Imaginary Girlfriend.

• “It was the worstest thing…” Did I say that or was it some kid who got his face bit by a dog?

• Andy Rooney takes the stand in a fraud case and can’t help being… Andy Rooney.

• Airline Providing Mile-High Service [via Cy-Nappy-head]

• Dig Doug criz-azzy-ness

• 10 things that are Smurferiffic!

• Dack Ralter

• Mandyilla Parker Bowles who?