Thighs Wide Shut

Sorry for the long deli-lay folks, but writing these things are a pain in my hairy arse. Then why do I bother? So you all stop seeing Fat Albert and start seeing some real friggidy movies for a change. Plus, I’m more fried than Kentucky chicken that in 3 months time I’ll have forgotten I even saw any of them in the 1st place. In haddition, how can I come up with a Top 10 List of 2004 Flicks without reviewing them first? Speaking of, all I have left to see from the strong crop of ’04ers is House of Flying Dizzles. Once viddyied, the list will be unveiled. Got it? Anywho, on to the revues… sorry if they stink like my grundle!

The Sea Inside

Sea Worthy For Land Lubbers

View Trailer

The sign of a great movie in my book lies in its ability to make Senor Thigh Master cry my lil heteroflexible eyes out. And judging by the tears running down my cheek and the whimpering like a lil bizatch I emoted, I’d say that this is one great, gr8, cheese grater of a film. And since it’s so grrrrrrrrreat (Tony The Tiger speak) me can’t even fathom why it’s only playing in ONE WHOLE FRIGADERO THEATER IN NEW FIZZING YORK!!! Anywho, of course it’s gonna be a grand slam when the story revolves around the true story of a paraplegic Spaniard, Ramon Sampedro, who had fought for over twenty years for the right to end his life via youth in Africa euthanasia. It also doesn’t hurt when it’s directed by wunder-kind Alejandro Amenábar of The Others and Abre Los Ojos Javier Bardem stars as the aforementioned Sampedro and with the added on weight, bald head, and lack of movement, you can no longer picture the hot tamale that he is in real life. Although Samperdo couldn’t wait to end his dreary eggsitance, he inspired those around him to live. It was such a classic line when he so brilliantly explains why he smiles to a puzzled friend, ‘When you can’t escape and you depend on others so much, you learn to cry by smiling.’ And the audience can’t help but smile and cry. This is one of the most heartwarming pieces of 2004’s cinema roster, and in my book that just enough to probably name it the one to rule them all.

Recommended for those who like: Spanish geography/topography, Mike Utley, and imagining what hotness Javier Bardem would look like when he’s 67.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Whale Rider.

Hotel Rwanda

This Isn’t Your Father’s Ramada

View Trailer

In a year of career performances by other actors, Don Cheadle doesn’t even bother giving us one in Hotel Rwanda. Why? Well, every time he shows up for work he’s gonna give us 100% of his umazing abilities, even when he co-stars in such tripe on a stick as Rush Hour 2 and anything by Steven Nerdebergh. The role of real life hotel manager Paul Rusesabagina was rumored to be Denzel’s or Will Smith’s to lose, but luckily for us, it went to Donnie C. Denzel’s too huge to fill the shoes and Will Smith in my book is a laffable actor… hispecially in a drama. Regardless of how off the meat rack Cheadle’s performance is, this flick is MUSS CEE cause of the umcredible story about Rusesabagina’s struggle to protect his family, and indirectly many of his fellow countrymen from the Hutu’s genocide of the Tutsis. Not only that, but it opens our virgin American’s eyes to the fact that while we all hate these atrocities, our government and the world at large are always apprehensive about helping out. Yeah, you actually learn by watching this movie. And you’ll also cry. Did someone say breastest movie of the year? We’ll SEA about that!

Recommended for those who like: human rights, clothed African women, and Nick Nolte drinking, but not getting this drunk.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix The Gods Must Be Crazy.

Million Dollar Baby

If A Picture Is Worth A Thousands Words, Than This Picture Is Worth A Million of Em

View Trailer

The mos perplexing part of reviewing this film is not giving away too much of the plot. Don’t worry, I won’t. As you may have heard, this aint no straight forward boxing movie ala Rocky IV or The Great White Hype, but more about the human haspects of hactually being a boxer… READ: this shizz is more brains than brawn. I mean, lock Clint Eazy-Eastwood, Morgan Freebird, and Hillary Skank in a room with only a piece of gum and twenty minutes later they’ll MacGyver that sh#t into an Oscar contender. What an actor’s showcase this truly is. All three of them shine like Mischa B’s perfect skin. I hate boxing and even I was down for the count. Gawd, how awful are these puns and clichés that I use?

Recommended for those who like: Clint, Morgan, and Mrs Chad Lowe.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix The Next Karate Kid.

The Woodsman

Kevin Bacon Molests Kids? Again?

View Trailer

Can you hear the sizzle? That’s Kevin BACON handing in one of his career’s breastest performances to date as a recently released from prison pedophile. And the pork strip man hardly even says a word in the whole shabang! The movie’s central theme is will he or won’t he revert back to his old ways of being yer Wicked Uncle Ernie. Bacon’s trying to change his ways and means, but he still has that inkling in his fingers and pants. And as with every ex-con returns to society story, all of his friends and family have abandoned him and he’s having trouble fitting in. Enter Bacon’s bride, Kyra Sedgwick, who sees something in him and proceeds to bang him. Soon she learns of his ex-sexploits and yet she still sticks around cause she knows that he’s worth the bang. But is the movie worth seeing? Well, lettuce juss say you’ll get a bang for you buck.

Recommended for those who like: Kyra Sedgwick noxious lips, Kyra Sedgwick’s knockout nips, or the brief resurrection of David Alan Grier’s career.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix the other child-molester-feel-good hit of the past 5 years L.I.E..

The Merchant of Venice

Jew Won’t Bee Leave How Good Pacino Is

View Trailer

Editor’s note: I have never read this play and knew nothing about it cept there was some Jewish character named Shylock in it. Editor’s review: yo, if Shakespeare had been mo slammin and controversial like he is here, more high school students would have dug his plizzy-plays. And the finest superlative I can dub to this movie is that said high school students should count their lucky stars that this screen adaptation was made so they don’t have to bother reading the play and can juss rent it instead. Did I mention that normally uber-duber-annoying actors like Pacino, Jeremy Irons (where have u been my lovely), and Joe Fiennes all rock the gondola in this? Yes, Pacino actually acts like a human in the movie and not a jerk-a$$ who screams for no reason (see Heat). The same can’t be said of that annoying guy in Love Actually who bags American chicks including Her Royal Thighness The II. But we should all keep our eyes on the thighs of up and cumin’ actress, Lynn Collins, who played Portia. I’d love to drive that big boned car!

Recommended for those who like: women with mustaches, Gareth from The Office, and pansy-arsed Shakespeare stuff in general.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix the Mike Figgis’ incomprehensible Hotel.

Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events

Let Me Count Olaf The Ways That I Love Thee

View Trailer

Although some people would tell you that it’s juss plain bagel wrong, I think it’s just fine pointing out that a young girl has got talent and a bright future. This young girl in question is not J-L Spears or Emma Watson, but soon to be rising starlet, Emily Browning, who plays Violet Baudelaire, one of three orphans who have nothing but Unfortunate Events forced upon them after their rents czech out on them. Grant it, she’s no Dakota Fanning, so we shant dwell on this subject any longer. Unlike Harry Pothead, I had no idea that Lemony Snicket was such a smashing success. I guess dem kids love anything that isn’t Ramona Quimby these days. orson Wells, I’m glad I took a chance and forced my mumsy to see this with me. The story is whatevs, but the book’s characters and settings are brought to life with such bravado and luminosity, that you even forget that there is a story. There is? I said FORGET ABOUT IT! Oh the art direction!! So recockulously beautifulcallyfragalicous! Major props de leon to production designer Rick Heinrichs, who also helped to create the worlds of Tim Burton’s films AND The Big Lebowski. Give the guy the Oscar!! What was better, I, Robot‘s world? And Jim Carrey, Billy Connolly, and Meryl Streep seem to be having so much fun on the screen that you’ll wish you could hang out with them, rather than their real personses. Carrey hispecially is right at home here. He was BORN to play Count Olaf or really anyone who’s a complete nutter butter. This is one flick that everyone from ages 6 to 66 can enjoy.

Recommended for those who like: lemony snizzles or snickety lizzles, snausages, and snozzberries, but who ever heard of a snozzberry??

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix the story that never ends, The Neverending Story.

The Assassination of Richard Nixon

Or A Shorter Title May Read The Ass of Dick

View Trailer

This movie is carried plain and nimple by Sean Penn’s expert ability to play losers. And what a loser he is in this semi-true story about a loser who loses his job, wife, and pretty much any dignity that still eggsisted, who one day decided to fly a plane directly into the Nixon resided White House jus to be a somebody. Not only does Penn rock the loser stigma to a tee, but he rocks the best shadesville mustache this side of The King of Comedy‘s Rupert Pupkin. So much so that I hereby declare them Bitched @ Swirth! Anytime Penn is going to appear in a movie, he should be nominated for an Oscar. And what’s so pathetic is that he won his golden statue for a dialed-in performance for last year’s highly overrated (what should have been a) TV movie of the week, Mystic Pizza River. The dude always goes the extra yard whenever he needs to pour on the emotion, but it’s more effective here than when he thinks Andy Dufresne knocked off his daughter.

Recommended for those who like: dogs being shot, BWI Airport, and Hasidic tire dealers.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix the whorelairious Dick.

Meet The Fockers

W.W.B.D.?

View Trailer

If you didn’t like the first one, DO NOT see this one. But if you did, then yer gonna get more of the same sludge we all loved. I didn’t laugh more than three times, but I certainly cracked miles of smiles cause it was truly enjoyable seeing more of the Focker clan. I had my doubts about Dustin in this one, but my Hoffs stole the show. He’ll make u wish he was yer dad. And with the box office buxomness it did, I’ll be more than slap happy to waste another 10 clams for a third installment. But where do they go from there? Fock if I know.

Recommended for those who like: feeling uncomfortable, feeling Minnesota, and Teri Polo with clothes on.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix one of the most uncomfortable movies ever, Neighbors.

The Aviator

Keeps Reaching For The Stars, But Often Its Legs Are Stuck In The Ground

View Trailer

This movie was good, but it could have been so much much much butt munch a crunch a much roger dinty more than some flick stuck on auto-pilot. I think both of my long dead Grandmothers’ could’ve directed this… even from the grave (no disrespect ladies)! And here are my two main problems: 1) Leo DiCaprio is a good actor (how long can we use Gilbert Grape as an eggscuse peoples!!), but he did not for one second make me believe that he was Howard H Hughes. OK, maybe fore 3 seconds when he sported a stache, but er, well, uh, NO. Sorry Leo, but I think both of my long dead Grandfathers’ could’ve pulled it off better than you! And numero 2) Who friggin cares solely about Hughes’ dedication to aviation? I could watch the History Hitler Channel to find out that infotainment thank you NOTSz. I mean, I read a whole book on HHH whilst me was in Jamaica and I couldn’t put it down cause I kept wanting to read about ALL (not 5 like the movie shows) the broads he wined and boned!! Not only that, but what about the end of his life? That’s all us Americans care about, the bad and mysterious crap. I mean, who didn’t desire to see Leo with a long beard and 6 needles stuck in his arm? We got a better picture of that when Mr Burns went germaphobia happy. And that’s a forking shame. Oliver Stone made two mistakes, one being Alexander, the second was not directing this. Now there’s a man who’d do HHH justice, by showing us what we want… true or not. But all in all, it was still a good movie. Beckincell was smokin, Blanchettee was Oscarlicious, but hey, we all juss want more. And if you don’t want more, well, YOU SMELL LIKE MY GRUNDLE YOU POOPHEAD YOU!!

Recommended for those who like: extinct airlines, evil Alan Alda, and GoodFellas‘ Jimmy Two Times’ speech pattern.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Chaplin.

Phantom of The Opera

Confirms That Joel Suchmacher Is The World’s Wurstest Director (sans The Lost Boys)

View Trailer

Why make a movie out of musical if you’re not going to improve upon it? Case closed here! Well, I would like to mention that Emily Rossum is not hot at all, but looks eggzactly like a creepya$$ doll. I juss keep waiting for her to say, ‘Momma… Momma’ over and over. And DisSpencer seems to sorta agree, likening her to Minnie Mouse + Mary-Elizabeth Mastrantonio + Angelina Jolie – any sexual experience. Basically, none of those things are positive, like the movie Phantom of The Opera… which me mum loved and which prompted me to call her ‘crazy’ for doing so. DAMN YOU Suchmacher!!! However, kudos for casting fUcKer Jennifer Ellison. I could lick her feet all day long.

Recommended for those who like: awfulicious stage to screen adaptations, awfulistic Joel Suchmacher flicks, and all things awful, like this film.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix a real movie musical. Take yer pick, Oliver! or Moulin Rouge.

Beyond The Sea

Not To Be Confused With The Sea Inside, Which Is Actually Good

View Trailer

Could possumly be the WURST biopic AND movie directed by an actor EVER! Yes, this movie made me roll my eyes more than the eyes in that soup in Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom!! Firstoff, the movie is all over the place and zig zags thru nothing to almost something back to nothing times 6. Secondlyoff, YOU LEARN NOTHING ABOUT BOBBY DARIN. Well, you find out that he sang some songs you’ve heard of and that he married Sanda Dee, but other than that, NOTHING. Oh wait, he also owned a watch and his sister was really his mother and he didn’t win an Oscar, and lived in a trailer once singing hippy crap and then died one day. Ooops, did I say too much? Good, DON’T BOTHER WITH THIS CRAP!! Why SPACEY?!?!?! This biocrapic has too much sugar in it. Juss when nothing is going on, everyone has to jump up and down with their flaming jazz hands and sing and dance like a bunch of Danny Ferryies. CRAP. PUKE. YUCK. Tell us what you really think Thigh Master? THIS THING SUCKS WORSE THAN A HOOVER VACCUUM SUCKING OUT ALL THE DINGLEBERRIES OUT OF EVERYONE’S ASS IN THE KNOWN WORLD! Did I mention that Kate Booooozworth could be the wurstest actress? The new Superman will suffer cause of her!

Recommended for those who like: water torture (Chinese or regular), Bob Hoskins, and everything in between.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix ANY OTHER BIOPIC EVER.

– Why are women so hot and men so hairy and discussing? Lets not answer that question, but instead be jizzmerized by these mos s’wonderful snaps of Jessica Alba. Nuff to make my mouth spray, ‘Cuthbert who?’ [via Double V-Money]

– Peace the fork out to you H. David Dalquist. Some say he was the greatest inventor since Edison. I mean, can you imagine what life was like before the Bundt cake pan?

– U2 and Coldplay to be the Coachella co-headliners? Those rumors are so May 3rd, 2004. Either way, don’t count on Modest Mouse being there. But feel free to catch em on tour or when they appear on tomorrow’s ep of The O.C..

– Even though this animated gif and live video for ‘Mouse House, Moose Hoose’ both kinda freak me out, The Fiery Furnaces are still the mostestest. [via Catchy-D]

– 2005’s SXSW Festival should be a hoot. On board musically be The Raveonettes, Billy Idol, Sleater-Kinney, Son Volt, and plenty of other goodies. On the film side of tangs, Luke & Owen’s bro Andrew drops his directing debut, The Wendell Baker Story, while Todd Solondz’ shitbag of a movie, Palinbroke (reviewed here by me), gets a screening + discussion with E Dub’s Owen Gleiberman.

– The deadline for applications to become a member of Jeopardy!‘s illustrious Clue Crew be January 14th! I’m pullin for ya Paige.

– Is the Village Voice‘s newly minted site sponsored by Centrum or something?

– I juss figured out my mission in life: resurrecting Bastian/D.A.R.Y.L/Barret Oliver‘s long dormant acting career.

– The International Federation of Competitive Eating [via Brawnymanstein]

– What is sure to be the movie that everyone will be talkin bout in the ’05? My money is on The Untitled Kurt Russell/Dakota Fanning Project.

– Remember when Wes Anderson made outstanding and outsitting movies? Well, you can relive the magic when Rushmore plays at Midnight this Fri & Sat @ the Sunshine.

– Dying to know what Tucker Carlson would look like if he was part buzzard? Click away.

– Here are two books that are sure to make yer shimmy go shimmy shimmy ya: Mr. Skin’s Skincyclopedia: The A to Z Guide to Finding Your Favorite Actresses Naked AND The Adventures of Q*Bert.

– CosmicLockSmith.com [via Z del Roachclip]

– Subway’s Jared Ate my Balls!

– And tis been too long since we’ve had one, so eye gives to you, the first BITCHED @ SWIRTH of ’05: David ‘Laser Pointer Sister‘ Banach and Darrell ‘I’ve overstayed my SNL welcome’ Hammond…

– The National Enquirer are friggin geniusesses. Not cause they have the scoop on Calista Flockhart returning to her home planet of Lipsezzes, but cause last week they beat me to the punch on a headline I could of used on this site (see right, below her feet). [via DJ Southern Fried Rebel]

– Speaking of Ms Thang, Lohan and Mark Ruffles Potato Chips were honored at the Diversity Awards. How could the Double L win one of these thangs when the Awards ‘celebrate diverse achievements in film and television‘? Do you think playing a buxom high school teenager in 4 movies is diverse? Watch yer merry lil steps Meryl Streep!!!

– Britney calls it a day… for now. Possible future replacements as the sluttiest person in entertainment: Jamie Lynn Spears, Dakota Fanning, Charlotte Church, Inconsiderate Cellphone Man, and ROB from Gyromite.

– Playboy is hot to get ye olde hottie Susan Sarandon undressed. My left hand and Jergens® are too!!

– ESPN released their pre-season College B-ball Top 25 Rankings. Da ACC (the greatistist of em all) occupies 6 of dem spots. And since me beloveded Twerps are ranked #10, as usual they’ll probably lose a few or their early games, drop out of the Top 25, beat some highly ranked squads, make the tourney, only to lose in the second round. CAN’T F-IN WAIT!!

– Bush’s thought process EGGSPLAINED!! Read this shiz and tell me you still want to vote for this Commander In Thief.

– You thought Apple Blythe Martin was an oddleistic name? How bout Sir Bob Geldof’s daughters: Pixie, Fifi Trixibelle, Peaches Honeyblossom, and of course Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily? Who cares, I’d love to pick Pixie’s pocket and see if Peaches’ peach is fuzzy or not!

– Sam Mendes and Shrek team up for Broadway. Screw that, bring on Toy Story: The Musical or Rosie O’Donnell’s Head Meets Mr Guillotine.

– Peace the fork out Pierre Salinger. Yer eyebrows belong in the Hall of Fame next to Andy Rooney’s, Martin Scorsese’s, and of course, NY1’s own George Whipple da III’s.

– Air, Dizzee Rascal, Nellie McKay and TV on the Radio are scheduled to perform at the Shortlist ceremony at the Avalon Theater in Hollywood on November 15. More names to be added.

– Get yer free tickets to tapings of Jimmy Kimmel and Carson Daly. Btw, wtf is the deal with The Jon Spencer Blues Explosion being Daly’s ‘house band’ for an entire week? That makes about as much sense as Jews for Jesus.

– THE REDSKINS WON A GAME!!! Joe Gibbs is the messiah and we’re going to beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl!!!

– Club Paris. I wish that first word was used as a verb and not a noun.

– Break out yer 20-sided dice and max out dem hit points cause Dorks & Dwebs Dungeons & Dragons turned 30 this past weekend!! And in honor of the event, we should all burn every DVD copy in eggsistance of the self-titled movie starring Jeremy Irons. Jeremy’s Iron? Mm hmm, well that’s…very good…for a first try. You know what? I have a ball. Perhaps you’d like to bounce it?

– Did you know that some 40 percent of Albanians have no street address?

– And finally, Crazy Horse Kin Want Strip Club Renamed

Wimbledon

Game, Set, Snatch

If this movie were called US Open and revolved around a washed-up American tennis player taking his last shot at winning it all, it would probably be the wurstest movie since the last 7 Julia Roberts pictures. But it isn’t folks. It’s about a British bloke and its from the (nia) peoples who brought you such fluffy crap as Four Weddings and a Bunghole, Notting Off, and Bridget Jones’s Diarrhea. Those f-in Brits have some sort of voodoo on us, the American audience, cause you can’t help but being charmed to death by them. Was Love Hactually actually a good movie? No, but they stuffed every frame with a zillion irresistible Brits that by the time the credits were rollin, we were all ready to denounce our citizenship and hop on the first flight to Heathrow. Anywho, Wimbledon aint no a Schindler’s List, but it’ll charm you more den a Charms Blow Pop. The plot is more predictable than 72-hour-non-showered vagina smelling like tunafish. And the biggest conflict in the entire movie is whether Sam Neill is going to crack a smile or not. And boy o boy does my man Paul Bettany has the breastest life ever. On screen he gets to dilly dally with ultra-hottness Kirsten Dunst (and if you think she’s nasty, please, cut off yer penis and keep it away from this dot.whorg) and off screen he gets to make babies with uber-hotness Jennifer Connolly. They only way his life could reach more of an apex is if Monica Bellucci was his concubine. But I ask yous, has there ever been a good tennis movie? Or even a movie about tennis period! Exclamation point. The only one that comes to my mind is Hitchcock’s Strangers On A Train, and tennis isn’t even the focal point of the story. Criss Cross!! So I guess by default this makes Wimbledon the most frantastically mostest eggsalad movie about tennis, EVER! And tits a purrrfect flick for those of you with a g-friend or a b-friend. Did I mention that Kirsten Dunst was born to wear a tennis skirt?

Sky Captain & The World of Tomorrow

Looks Aren’t Everytang

I can honestly say that I have never seen a anything like Sky Captain. It is one drop dead gorgeous (so is this t-shirt) piece of filmmaking. Too bad that’s the only thing positive I can say cept that I’d bend over backwards for Jude Law. This should have been a fun romp like The Mummy, but it was more like a smelly rump roast. It also doesn’t help that everythyme I see Gwenyie Palho now, I just wanna puke my tits off since she’s the mother of Chris Boring’s child. Or that Angelina Jolie’s lips scare me more than dem lips in that ’80s Twizzlers commercial.

Man On Fire

Let This Mothersticker Burn, YO!

Two facts of life: Denzel Washington can nevers have a bad acting day and Dakota Fanning is the mostest precocious, darlingist, loveliest, finestist, child actor that there ever was. I swear, every time I see here on celluloid, I just want to start bawling my f-in eyes out. It all started with her sirprizingly un-Oscar-nominated work in I Am Sam. I even shed a few tears when I saw her out act Brittany Murphy in Craptown Grrrls whilst on a plane to Jamaica, which has got to be in the running for most un-umcredible Brittany Murphy cruds Mt EVERerst (and that list is quite long)! I didn’t get too wet between my eyes (you thought I was going to say thighs, didn’t ya?), but I almost lost it when Denzel’s ruff around the edges bodyguard character starting falling under her spell. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! Anyways, soon after that tender moment occurred, lil South Dakota gets kidnapped and Denzy goes all ape-shit on her captors. This movie rizzzzocks. It’s like The Bodyguard meats Kill Bill (vol 2, mind you!) meats the gritty look of Amores Perros. And Marc Anthony is in it and just cause he looks like Skeletor, doesn’t mean the dude can’t act! Hooray to Tony Scott who finally has made a decent movie! Top Goon? Beverly Hills Flop II? Enemy of My Intelligence? I guess it wasn’t to hard to top any of those.

Freaks

The Kinda Movie That’s Cool To Put On At A Party With No Volume On

Where else are you going to find a movie that contains a man with no arms or legs rolling up a cigarette and smoking it or a German midget talking about swiss cheese or a clown named Phroso or a family that looks like Stern’s lackey Beetle Juice or a woman being turned into a chicken?!#$R%$h!!!

Prizzi’s Honor

A Dishonor and Not A Pleasure To Watch

How on earth was this flick nominated for 8 Oscars? And how on Neptune did Anjelica Huston’s supporting performance take home a statuette? She was in the movie for all of 9 seconds! It was like watching a boring episode of The Sopranos (take yer pick from the last 2 seasons). Don’t even bother with this one unless yer dying to hear Jack Nick roll with a spicy Italian accent or see a performance by that guy.

The Girl Next Door

Time To Move Out Of The Neighborhood

Shame on you Luke Greenfield. May you be struck by lightning and covered with Durkees and hamster pellet poo. Somehow you directed a movie where sexbot Elisha Cuthbert plays a porn star and she doesn’t get nekkid for one spanking second!! Not only that, but you made her fall in love with one of the most horriblistic actors this side of Michael Pitt: Emile Hirsch. Nothing is this ‘movie’ is remotely realistic. Well, I’m sure Timothy Olyphant is an asshole AND has awful hair. Who’s Cuthbert’s agent? Tell him to contact me a(warren)sapp about that lesbian Charlie’s Angels I’m producing, co-starring Her Royal Thighness and I Beat Off To You K Knightley.

– Lindsay Lushan is Peephole Magazine‘s covergirl this week. Since I refuse to buy that periodical and AOL is cockblogging me from entering their site, the only thing I can tell you from the piece is that her and her beloveded Fez have exchanged “promise rings”. I know she’s 18 and all, but this all sounds a bit 6th grade to me. Do they also hold hands, play Chutes & Ladders as late as 9pm, AND sneak into PG-13 movies?? Oh golly gosh!! OK, so I’m being more bitterer than bitter herbs here, but why didn’t she want to eggschange promise rings with lil ole me? I think the only kind of ring she would give me would be ringworm, for writing such filth about her and her thighs.

– And there’s even more from LLN (The Lindsay Lohan Network)… She was recently reunited with her deadbeat father Michael, who claims that Lindsay’s Lohandlers were keeping them apart on purpose. Well maybe if you paid some bills and stopped beating yer in-laws, Disney & Co would let you get near their investment.

– This week’s sign that heaven is a place on middle earth: Gandalf and Gollum to team up. And this week’s sign that the apocalypse is upon us (the headline & the actual pairing): Reservoir Frogs: Kermit and Tarantino Join Forces.

– These people only leave their caves/parents’ basement when an Anime convention comes to town. Bee leave me, its true, I’ve been to some of these cons, not as a fan, but to help promote my company’s fine animated pornography. [via Posh and Becker]

– Dakota Fanning, the mostest adorable girl in all of the world, is in talks to play Alice, the mostest adorable girl in all of Wonderland. I pray to the Lord that she never grows up all awkward like Haley Joel Omelette did. Be sure to come back to this site in 2010 when you can expect a where is Haley Joel now link, ala Paul Pfeiffer/The Boz.

– Happy belated 100th b-day to the banana split. However, you’ll have to wait until 2068 to celebrate The Banana Splits‘ centennial. [Note: be careful with the audio on that last link]

– Where does yer college or university rank on US News & World Report‘s annual hotness list. I feel like a real winner when my Hoosier homies are rated lower than the Blue Hens of Delawhere!! They don’t even have sales tax there!! And doesn’t everyone know that only the biggest and brightest went to IU, like the likes of Jane Pauley, Kevin Kline, Dick Enberg, Ernie Pyle-Driver, The Thigh Master, the father from The Monster Squad, and m’yes, the Beastmaster/V killer himself, Marc Singer.

– This official Clinton Portis shirt is more bootleg looking than a bootleg shirt you can buy at an NFL stadium’s parking lot.

– Scientists say Blade Runner is breastest. If you asked a Scientologist, they’d say Battlefield Earth. And I’d have to say Empire Strikes Back. Only cause Lobot is the fucking shit.

– Björk and Kelis make beautiful milk shakes together, but I guess not good enuff to make B’s Medúlla album that’s released on Tuesday.

– Life must be purty eggcitiing in upstate NY. Well, at least that’s the impression I get from this eggstensive site dedicated to its roads and signs. Did you know that in something called Robert Moses State Park this statement is true.

– If hipsters were homeless, their dwellings would look quite modular.

– And finalmente, isn’t it about time you bought yer own dang Nazi Holiday Camp? When you greet visitors to yer new digs, you can say, ‘Guten tag. Do you like Mine Camp or what?’