Annelies van Overbeek

Annelies van Overbeek

Kill Your Darlings 
Beat, Off
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 104 min

Ginsberg, Kerouac, Burroughs and Carr.  One of these names does not belong… to the annuals of history, but does to the Beat Generation‘s history.  Lucien Carr was the supposed ‘glue’ of the crew.  Without him, would the other three have crossed paths, and beat on???  Who knows, but in John Krokidas‘ inspired, but tiring directorial debut – Kill Your Darlings – Carr’s story is driven to the forefront, and he’s eventually driven to murder!!!!!!!!  Oooooh, sounds intriguing!  It is, but it somehow doesn’t end up being all that intriguing (as a movie)

What does it end up being like?  Muppet Babies for the Beat Generation stizz!!  Looks, there’s beardless, skinny Allen Ginsberg (Daniel Radcliffe), discovering all kinds of things at college thanks to new found literary ‘maybe more than friends’ friend Lucien Carr (Dane DeHaan, always giving it his de-All), and their buddies Jack Kerouac (pretty boy Jack Huston) and spacey mumblecored William S Burroughs (Ben Foster).  They drink!  They smoke!  They listen to jazz!  The reject what their teachers are teaching them!  They pull pranks!  They flirt with being gay!  Oh my, so much going on in the mid-1940s!  I KNOW!!!  But trouble lurks, in the form of David Kammerer (Michael C Hall), a man obsessed with Lucien.  After endless years of unwanted attention and advances, Lucien can no longer withstand his predator, and so one knife-fight later, Kammerer dies, Carr gets incarcerated, and the other three Beat-ers go on to infamy.  Carr becomes a footnote and here we are, and yet, I feel like we’re nowhere.  Just a Muppet Babies take on young dudes about to become men.  Beat on?  More like beat off

Cross Roads: David Cross is the only man on earth to play both Allen Ginsburg (I’m Not There) and his father Louis Ginsberg (Darlings)

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Darlings doesn’t exactly kill it, today in NY & LA only, and elsewhere elsehwhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Lucien, Jack, Allen & Bill

The Woman In Black
Children of The Yawn
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 95 min

Daniel Radcliffe is a lawyer or something, and definitely not Harry Potter, cause he has a 3 o’clock shadow beard.  His wife is dead or something, and his son draws pictures of him with a frowny face cause he’s always going away to do work, but he has to work cause he has bills, and bills need to get paid.  His latest work brings him to some scared stiff English countryside spot that has only like one car and one phone and like lots of unhelpful British people.  That one car and one phone are owned by the greatest living actor, in our humboldt opinion, and the very reason why we had to see this movie.  That person is Ciarán Hinds, who’s like the Duncan Hinds of acting, but even more delicious.  Anywho, Hinds is the only person helpful to Harry Potter and he helps him get to some creepy house on an island or something, but there’s a marshy road that goes to the island, but sometimes the tide makes the marshy road disappear or something.  Anywho, at the house, Harry Potter has to go through papers to figure out something, or else he’ll be fired from his job, but he can’t get fired cause he has to support his son and pay bills and things.  Anyways, turns out the island house with the papers is haunted by a woman in black (guess they couldn’t call the movie A Black Woman), and if you see her, yer children somehow die or something.  So we learn children have died in the past and we see kids dying in the present, and we assume more children will die in the future.  And the thing of this movie thing is that Harry Potter’s kid is coming to visit in a few days, so stuff better get like fixed or something before the kid gets there or else he will probably die or something.  GRYFFINDOR!!!

moral of the story – there are a few good BOO moments, but the rest is juss boo, which seems kinda wrong considering we don’t have to hear Harry Potter talk all that much, and Ciarán Hinds is in it, and so is Janet McTeer, for whatever that’s worth, but it’s no worse than that Katie Holmes-Guillermo del Bore-o flick

Tim McMullan:’s face is awesome

Verdictgo: Not So Meritiis AND No Stinkin Badges

Black is currently lacking in color at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows: Part 2
Graduating On Time
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG13 | 130 min

before we tackle 7.2, lets look back on what we said about 1 thru 7.1, in which we barely remember a thing about any of them.  cause lets be honest, these stories are pretty much one long continuous cliffhanger for one final ‘epic’ showdown (MORE LIKE SLOWDOWN) with Voldemort, or something!!!

Sorcerer’s Stone & Chamber of Secrets – Chris Columbus was king of the poo/boo/snoozefests to the Zth degree

Prisoner of Azkaban – the greatest third movie ever

Goblet of Fire - admirably carries the torch with badder baddies, diggty dragons, tentacled mermaids, tentacled trees, and the seeds of young love

Order of the Phoenix – Yer not going to be amazed, but yer not gonna walk away disappointed neither.  I don’t think anyone’s cryin that the quidditch season got canceled this go around

The Half-Blood Prince - Harry Potter’s 6th cinematic adventure feels more like a real movie and less like a, well, Harry Potter movie.  Hammazin how a few pubes make everything a lot more interesting

Deathly Hallows: Part 1 - The Deathly Hallows is deathly awesomes!!!!

OK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so what about 7.2??  Feels rushed (all 8 of them did), but that’s better than it feeling slow (none of them were), but STILL, it was a very very very very very very very satisfying ending to set of movies that was always pointing towards a big ending, even if it took forever to get there (in a non-slow way, but 8 movies is a lot of movies!)

but this is the way you go out.  no one wants 283838 false endings like in LOTR III or juss being awful in general like Star Wars III, or feeling unmade like Leonard Part III.  we want closure and closure is what Potter 7.2 did.  CASE CLOSURED!!!!!

Also, it was well shot, with like nice camera angles and lighting and thingies!!!!  Yeah David Yates!!!

Also, Voldemort had a cinematic purpose for once!

Also, we love it when Hogwarts gets its a$$ kicked, cause school is boring!!!

Also, the movie was kinda scary (those banking goblins were creep-a-rooni)!!!

Also, Professor McGonagall’s breaking out her wand was ALMOS cooler than when fake digital Yoda broke out his lightsaber (or when Yaddle whipped out her dick)!!

Also, the #1 actor in our hearts (Ciarán Hinds) was in it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Also, there was a WET-ish T-SHIRT CONTEST (too bad Hermione has zero boobs)!!!

And although we’ve poo-pooed on Chris Columbo’s name left and right, for making the first 2 movies berry vanilla, he does get credit for casting Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson and Rupert Grint, and somehow they magically grew into decent actors, great kids, and our pals 4life!!!!!!

still can’t believe that Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy are really twin brothers, Dumbledore is Dudley Dursley’s father, the entire Weasley family dyes their hair, Moaning Myrtle is actually less moany than her mother Moaning Mona, and that Rita Skeeter give sloppy hand jobs!!!!  SO MANY REVELATIONS!!!!

Never5get: when ‘they’ made Hermione’s boobs bigger

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Potter 7.2 is a movie you’ve already seen if you’ve seen Potters 1 – 7.1, so you don’t even need to know where it’s playing

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows: Part 1
School’s Out!!!!!!!!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

No more pencils, no more books, no more teacher’s dirty looks!!!  SPANK THE LORD SLODERMORT!!!!!!!!  If there was anything dragging the movie versions of Harry Potter down down down it was the 909% snooze-a-roni-ness that filled the hallowed halls of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Boredom!!!!!  BYE BYE DUMPHOLE!!!!!!!!!!!  Ahhhh J.K. Rowling, what took you so long to ditch the wand and finger waving adults and let the kids run rampant???????????  We haven’t read one of yer boooooks in ages, but whatever’s within yer 7th and final book The Deathly Hallows is deathly awesomes!!!!  EAT THAT DEATH EATERS!!!!!!!!!!!

We have no recollection of what happened in the last movie, The Half-Blood Prince, but apparently we claimed it was the bestest since Cuarón‘s Azkaban.  Well, that can’t be the case, even if that was the case, cause Part 1 (of 2) of Hallows IS the bestest since #3, hands AND thighs down.  Why?  See above graphpara.  Why more?  Cause 84% of this bizatch is nuttin but Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson and Rupert Grint running around a zillion picturesque English countrysides, borrowing adventures from the pages of LOTR and Narnia, but who flippin cares, cause David Yates brings the loves and not the hates!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  + Dobby is even tolerable!!! + there’s a scene with like 9 Harry Potters in one room!!! + Peter Mullan!!! + Rhys Ifans (as a perfect dad to Evanna Lynch)!!!! + there’s like some sorta cartoon shadow puppet storytelling bit thingie that’s like so outta place and yet so in the right place + David O’Hara, Steffan Rhodri and Sophie Thompson do the bestest kids trying to act like adults acting since Dudley Moore pretended he was Kirk Cameron in the body of Dudley Moore!!! + there’s like some sorta digital Hermione wet dream thing where she’s like sorta naked with like digital side boobs and it makes Ron like totally horny AND angry!!!!  + her digital side boobs are like bigger than her real ones!!!! (it’s OK to say this cause she’s like 20 and stuff!!!)

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But we will admit, there be something totally not the knees bees in Potterdom: Ralph Fiennes as Voldemort.  Slain and pimple, it juss don’t work.  Don’t know if it’s the know know of knowing it’s Fiennnennes behind the mask or the fact that the mask has no clothes like that emperor that had no clothes.  We know he’s suppose to be scary, but he’s the furthest thing from scary.  Harry has better screen nemesisismsism with Snape and the Malforys than he does with the dude with no nose.  Hopefully Part 2 won’t be a part doo-doo, even though it’s obvious that Voldy will loom large, and boviously get his before he gets a new nose!!!

Wright On!!!!!: Bonnie Wright is fo’shiz the shiz, so what is mo shiz than B Wright?  um, how bout Wright + Moretz!!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Potter is Deathly aware of how FRANZTASTIC it is today at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…