Now You See Me
Hand of Sleight
Official Website | Trailers & Mo 
PG-13 | 113 min

I love magic.  I love movies. I love movies about magic.   I love movie magic.  I love Jesse Eisenberg, Mark Ruffalo, Woody Harrelson, Isla Fisher, Mélanie Laurent, Morgan Freeman, Michael Caine & even Dave Franco (when James is unavailable).  Wait, all of these things are in one movie????  HOW IS THIS A REAL MOVIE???  But don’t get too excited cause this thing they’re in was directed by Louis Leterrier, captain of the two Transporter movies + Clash of The Disaster + that 2nd Hulk movie everyone already forgot about.  And guess what, don’t get too excited in general, cause the result – Now You See Me – is an illusion of entertainment.  You’ll be tricked into being entertained, but really, the dupe’s on you, dope!  You somehow sit thru this inane routine, and the only thing that’s really vanishing is your time and money  

Sure, Now You See Me isn’t even on the same planet as the UMmazing Prestige or even the usey illusiony The Illusionist, BUT even though NYSM is totally refarted, it is totally totally watchable dumbitity, cause EISENBERG’S NOT STEALING FACEBOOKS! AND RUFFALO LOOKING UNSHAVED GRUFFALOOO!!!!  AND WOODY HARRELSON KNOCKING WOOD (not really)! AND ISLA IS SOOOOOOOOOOOO FINE!!! AND LAURENT IS ALSO SO FINE AND SO CUTE SPEAKING IN ENGRISH!!! AND MORGAN FREEMAN IS SO OLD AND WISE AND HIS SMILES MELT SCREENS AS HE COLLECTS ANOTHER PAYCHECK!! AND MICHAEL CAINE DOES AN AMAZING MICHAEL CAINE IMPERSONATION!!! AND DAVE FRANCO IS LIKE JAMES FRANCO BUT YOUNGER AND LESS LEARNDEDED!!!!  And in nothing roles, they threw in real actors to play them, like that guy Michael Kelly, and Common, and that other that guy David Warshofsky!!

There’s nothing up any sleeves here, but sometimes it’s OK to pull from the bottom of the deck/dreck cause WE’D WATCH THIS CAST DO ANYTHING, EVEN KNIT SWASTIKA SWEATERS!!!

Verdictgo: high end Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Now You See Me sees you today at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Lincoln
Fourscore & 148 Years Ago, We All Scored For Equality, Mostly!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 120 min

Steven Spielberg‘s Lincoln 

=

Spielberg’s Amistad

+

strange white man beards

minus

any

moment

but that’s still pretty fcuking good filmmaking if you ask we!!!

AND DANIEL FCUKING DAY LEWIS AS LINCOLN IS ALL DANIEL DAY AND ALL DANIEL NIGHT BESTNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

obvi

+ Tommy Lee Jones will have you jonesing for more Tommy Leeness!!!

+ Sally Field plows it!

+ Joseph Gordon-Levitt has a mustache!

+ John Hawkes + James Spader + Tim Blake Nelson = hottest/coolest threesome EVERRVEVEVRR (for ending slavery that is!)

+ Hal Holbrook is still alive!!!

+ we still dont know how to spell or say David Strathaririansiansairn‘s last name!!

but wait, there’s more

more like…

OMG, THAT GUY IS IN THIS MOVIE!!!!

‘that guy’s like

DOUG FROM FLIGHT OF THE CONCHORDS and GALE FROM BREAKING BAD!

THE PUSHING DASIES GUY!

LANE PRYCE IS RIGHT!

BAD NEWS KELLY LEAK!

THE SERIOUS MAN!

ANIMAL HOUSE’S D-DAY!

PRESIDENT LOGAN FROM 24!

MILES PAPAZZIAIANNN FROM 24!

THAT GUY ON GIRLS WHO HAS TO HAVE SEX WITH LENA DUNHAM!

THAT KID WHO PLAYED THAT GAY GUY IN THE STOOPID MOVIE BASED ON A BOOK ABOUT RUNNING WITH SCICICXSSSSORS!

THAT REALLY GOOD ACTING GUY FROM IN TREATMENT!

THAT KID FROM DARK SHADOWS!

THAT GUY FROM THE NEW PLANET OF THE APES!

THAT ASSSHOLE GUY WHO HATES BOOKS FROM FRANK AND ROBOT!

THAT GUY WHO NARRATED VICKY CHRISTINA BARCELONA!

THAT BLACK GUY!

THAT GUY THAT GUY!

THAT GUY THAT GUY THAT GUY!

&

LUKAS HAAS!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Lincoln logs time in NY & LA today, and elsewhere elsewhen

oh, and MAJOR special love goes out to Spader’s facial hair & weirdness in this movie.  it’s something I tells ya!!  ALMOS worth the price of admission alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Future
Time Stopper
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 91 min

It’s been 6 long years since Miranda July capitvated our minds and imginations with her stunning feature length film debut Me and You and Everyone We Know, and also 6 long years we’ve been foaming at the mouth in anticipation for her follow-up.  Is July’s The Future the future we’ve always dreamed of?  In a word – NO

Not for a lack of trying, and boy does July give it a try, but this trying is very trying, tiring, and an out flat annoying adventureless adventure.  If yer fan of MaYaEWK, yer gonna be very tempted to see The Future, but all it’s gonna do is make you long for the past.  We’re not julying to you.  It is truth!!  July will make you long for winter.  Enter and you’ll be stuck with the dog days of July… in July!!!

So what’s The Future all about?  July and boyfriend Hamish Linklater (July, if she was a man, with a less grating voice) want to adopt a cat, but the cat they want is sick and needs another month to get better before they can take it home.  So… in the ensuing month, July & Hamish decide to re-evaluate their lives.  They quit their jobs, and she decides to post strange dances daily to the web, while he decides to save the world thru door to door soliciting.  Their paths diverge, and the movie does too, into an inane exercise in inane exercises of quirky quirkedness.  She shacks up with an older man with a steady life (that guy David Warshofsky), while he talks to the moon and stops time.  Sounds kinda cool, but it isn’t, and to make things even more irritating, the sick cat narrates the film from a cage, with a voice that is even more grating than July’s, which is not sirprizing since July is the voice of the cat

You’d be better off locking yerself in a cage and letting a cat scratch yer ears off and eyes out than going out to see and listen to this whatever this was.  Sounds like Slit Yer Eyes Out matz, but it’s not quite at that level of awfulness.  There is some thought that she put into this, but we juss don’t like what she was thinking

The First Family of Quirk: in 4real life, July is married to director Mike Mills.  wonder if she was the inspiration for the Mélanie Laurent character in Beginners?????  who knows, but czech out this snap from their wedding.  it’s purty much how we’d imagine their wedding would look like, cept maybe with more wool sweaters and more curly-haired guests

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

The Future is past boo in NY this Friday, and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…