Thighs Wide Shut

The Green Hornet
Spinelessapple Express
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Green Hornet, what can go wrong, did go wrong: wrong guy being Green Hornet (Seth Rogen), wrong to use a sophomoronic slacker script (Rogen again, with pal Evan Goldberg), wrong to enlist a surreal director and not have him go surreal (Michel Gondry)… this doesn’t bode well for Aronofsky’s Wolverine II, and wurst of all, juss an all around waste of a Green Hornet movie .  Played for laughs, and filled with none, Green Hornet has no buzz, sting or flight, well, besides anything having to do with Kato (Jay Chou).  He’s awesome, and how could he not be?  No seriously, he’s Kato and he’s mad awesomes and Jay Chou is awesomez as Kato!

Kato!!

Cameron Diaz is in it for some reason, but she’s more of a Charlie’s mangled than an Angel.  And remember that Christoph Waltz guy who stole our hearts and ears and the film Inglourious Basterds?  He delivers a mighty similar shtick here (with much less bitting dialog), but this time with a beard (looking like Carmen Ghia from the real Producers), and after 2 films of Americans seeing him do this, he’s already edging towards one trick pony territory.  Eeesh.  And poor Tom Wilkinson, David Harbour and Edward James Olmos.  Serious actors brought in for some serious roles, and for about as much seriousness as a Norm McDonald movie.  At least they employed Edward Furlong.  Sounds like he could use the money

KATO!!!

oh, and the 3-D is awful

KATO!!!!!!

Cole As Ice: Taylor Cole!!

Verdictgo: Only Kato Merit & Zero Stinkin Badges For The Rest

Hornet stungks this Friday at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

I’m Still Here
Turning A New Rotten Leaf
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Is the documentary I’m Still Here a hoax or is it faux-real?  Can it be both?  Can it be neither?  Does it even really matter when Joaquin Phoenix basically sank his own acting career battleship by having his ill-advised hip-hop sojourn chronicled for all to see (by To Die For co-star and brother-in law Casey Affleck), and suffer through?  Sure, there were probably plenty of staged bits (name one reality-based anything that isn’t), but we tend to think there are more genuine moments than there aren’t (hopefully that includes the scene with Edward ‘E-JO’ James Olmos).  This much is certainly true: JP(his name, not ours)’s life is a mess, and that mess keeps gettin messier than Mark Messier at a drunken family reunion of Messiers!!  Watching it unfold is excruciating bidness a majority of time (his post-Letterman appearance meltdown is worth the price of admission alone), slow and boring much of the time, and yet it has a neverending spell of fascination it casts upon any viewer and will never let go!!  Shiz is still haunting us, days after contact, and will be fore the 5seeable future (esp with a return trip to Letterman in the werks)!!!  And beyond all that, it’s a franztastic probing look at modern celebrity culture and the insta-meta-criticism floating round the internets!!  And if it is a hoax, it’s certainly the greatest performance of not only Phoenix’s career, but Sean ‘P. Diddy’ Combs‘ too!!!!

Update: IT WASN’T REAL!!!!!!!!!!

The Way We Were: never forget the Leafy early years…

SpaceCamp! Ruskies!  Parenthood!  To Die For!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Here is currently here

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…