Thighs Wide Shut

The time was the 80s, the person was me. Before I was stroking my balls, I was hitting em, and spending endless hours collecting cards that would one day be worth as much as the 13th series of Garbage Pail Kids. Baseball used to be the shiznit in my life. Now it’s something I attend maybe twice a year and really only pay attention to when autumn leaves crisp up like a Coco Crisp eating a bowl of Cocoa Krispies. Before my beloved city of birth was re-awarded a team that instantly became my team, I was a fan of the nearby Orioles and the Cardinals, who hailed from the city where my parents were born and eating bread. So I guess that now means I have 3 flavorite baseball teams. That may sound like a recockulous amt of teams to heart, but 2 of 3 o dem squads are usually outta the pennant race by the beginning of May. And such is the lameness of the regular baseball season. Anywho, I aint here to mitch and boan, hispecially since me Cards juss picked up their 10th Series crown, so I is here instead to reminisce and celebrate that glorious decade of Whiteyball, and my ten mos flav Cards, who when taken dumps, would have some royal flushes

1. Ozzie Smith – dude back-flipped you fo reals and even appeared in the Simps ep ‘Homer At Bat‘

2. Willie McGee – the OG McG probably had the greatest face of balls thyme, a face that always sez, ‘Dat’s da smelliest damn fart I is have ever smelt!‘

3. Vince Coleman – I once saw the Cards play the ‘Stros in Busch Stadium and Vince hit a grand salami. I also once played hide the salami. I really do like salami and eggs

4. Bob Forsch – the forsch was strong with this him and his bro Ken

5. Tom Pagnozzi – sure, he may be a nobody, but I think I sent him 5 baseball cards to autograph and he returned them all with his John Hancock

6. Jose Oquendo – he hamazin-lee played every single position on a baseball field, including left out

7. Andy Van Slyke – if I could change my last name from Master to anything, it would mos def be Van Slyke

8. Darrell Porter – rumor has it that he was Dick Donner’s second choice to play Superman/Clark Kent

9. Jack Clark – his eyebrows got more pussy than most of us could ever spank of

10. Bruce Sutter – his beard got less pussy than Eric Stoltz did in Mask

much love and respek go out to Tomm Herr, Todd Worrell, Tito Landrum, Joaquín Andújar, and Terry Pendleton

Go NATS, O’s, & CARDS!