Thighs Wide Shut

Jane Eyre
The Fresh Wince of Belle Eyre
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

We’ve now sat through two of the 9.237362 bazillion film/TV incarnations of Charlotte Brontë‘s ‘classic’ novel Jane Eyre (which we haven’t read cause we don’t know how to read, yet somehow we magically know how to type words using this computer thingie!), and can now safely say we’re not the hugest fan of the story.  The story is about a girl named… JANE EYRE!!!!  She’s a little orphan (that doesn’t sing or wear red or have a dog or a giant blond fro), who’s been tossed around town like an unwanted bag of used socks covered in pickle juice and urine.  Eventually Ms Unwanted finds employment as a governess at the creepy Thornfield Hall (things go bump in the night there), where the enigmatic Mr Rochester rules the roost… if and when he’s around.  Jane and Rochester strike up something more than an employer/ee relationship, things get serious, things gets weird, Jane leaves, finds peace and salvation with a young clergyman and his sisters and then stuff, and more stuff, cause she can’t keep her mind off of Rochester!!!  Blindmowing, right???  Yeah, if this was maybe the first thing you ever did done saw on Masterpiece Theater!

And yet, we still dig on Ms Eyre.  Maybe cause there’s an air about Eyre.  HOW DARE WE PUN THE HEIR OF EYRE!!!  Anywho, the ’43 edish starring Joan Fontaine and Orson Welles wasn’t all that or thensome or even close to awesome, but we cared cause Joan as Jane with her groans and moans made us moan!  And yes, you know we love Orson, but he hammed it up more than a reunion of Jon Hamm’s family at a Hormel factory that we’re juss gonna have to pretend that he wasn’t in the movie!!!! Gawd hammit!!!!

Director Cary Fukunaga (Sin Nombre) and writer Moira Buffini‘s take on the material fairs munch better than the other one we saw (you tell us how they stack up against the book).  First and not foremost, we don’t hate on black & white pics (cause we’re old fashioned, like how we take our movies, burgers and women), but the color palette here shines udderly heaven-like, even when most of the colors are grays, but these grays glow with radiance!!  But we mainly care for this Eyre cause of the eggsalad acting chops and chemistry that exists between our new Jane, Mia Wasikowska (the next Streep??), and Mr Rochester, Michael Fassbender (he and Henry Cavill are gonna fight for studliest awesome European dude for years to come).  They sizzle together, even if there isn’t much onscreen sizzling to be had (damns yous 1800s!!!)!!!! Plus, they’re supported by the likes of Dame Judi Dench, Sally Hawkins, Jamie Bell and Simon McBurney (we could listen to his voice 25 hrs a day)!!!  Who doesn’t love those peoples???

Anywho part 23456677, yer either into stuffy British costume dramas or yer not.  If you are, inhale this Eyre!  And if yer not, well, stuff you!!!

Every Day’s A Holiday: when yer as fly as Holliday Grainger!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Jane is not plane tomorrow in NY/LA only and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…