Thighs Wide Shut

The Exception
Outside of Prussia, With Love
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
R | 107 min

Whatever happened to Kaiser Wilhelm II, the last Emperor of Germany??  Never thought to ask this question, but glad David Leveaux‘s The Exception gives us an answer (wrapped in a love story of sorts)!

After World War I came to an end, so did the Kaiser’s rule over his homeland.  He left Germany for good and lived in exile in nearby Netherlands starting in the 1920s.  The film begins in 1940, with Wilhem (Christopher Plummer, relishing the role and facial hair) and wife Victoria (a forever sneering Janet McTeer) holed up in a lovely Dutch estate, Huis Doorn.  While they fine drink and dine, Europe begins to unravel under the Nazi menace.  When Holland comes under their rule, the former Kaiser does too

Enter too cool for school soldier Captain Stefan Brandt (Jai Courtney), who has been assigned to watch over Wilhem at the estate.  He doesn’t seem to love his assignment, or life as a Nazi, but duty is duty.  Luckily there’s a looker in the maid’s staff (Lily James), and within 3 seconds of meeting her in his private quarters, he’s having his way with her privates.  OH SNAP!!

Turns out, she’s no simple maid, but a Jew!  And maybe a spy!!!  Oh my!!  What’s going to happen???  Will they continue to have sex, even though she’s a Jew and he’s a Nazi, AND fornication between the grounds’ staff is strictly forbidden???  Can Captain Stefan ignore the Kaiser’s bad-mouthing of Hitler and his horrible henchmen, or will he report his loose lips to Berlin?  What’s gonna happen when Heinrich Himmler (Eddie Marsan) comes to dinner?  Will he ask K-Willy to come back to Germany and be a monarch once again, like he and the wife have been dreaming of???  WHAT WILL HAPPEN????  Oh my!!  OH MY!!!

While the romance seems a little forced upon the proceedings, the Kaiser stuff and eventual spy intrigue that plays out held my attention til the end.  Sure, it was a little hard to root for main characters who were anti-Semitic at heart, but it’s not a rule, just THE EXCEPTION to the rule!!! (get it???)

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

make an Exception, currently on Direct TV, and in a limited theatrical release on June 2nd

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Me Before You
Confined & So Fine
Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 110 min

There once was this super-rich British guy named Will (Sam Claflin), who had everything – a hot girlfriend, a great job, and a thrill-seeking lifestyle.  Then BOOOM – one day he instantly became a quadriplegic and hated his new life cause it was not his old one  

No one could make this guy happy or juss try to get him to live to live – not his parents (fancy dancey pants-ters Janet McTeer and Charles Dance), their money (THEY OWN THE TOWN’S CASTLE!), his physical therapist (Steve Peacocke), or his last 6 caregivers  

So, guess what happens when cheery cheery goody goody gumdrops caretaker #7 – Louisa ‘Lou’ (Emilia Clarke, and her caterpillar eyebrows) enters the picture?  Well, after much guff and puff, she works her Mary Poppins magic on him and BOOM – he can’t imagine HIM before HER – and she can’t imagine HER before HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

But will it be enuff for him to want to live the life he permanently has??????????????????

Yes, there’s a lot of predictability going on here, in the movie based off of the book by Jojo Moyes (who also wrote the screenplay), and yes, the screen is practically tearjerking you off endlessly (and yes, I fell for it and cried), and yes, everything is kinda ridiculous (I can’t imagine the movie being as engaging if the guy didn’t have all the money in the world), BUT I don’t give a flying fcuk – cause this weepie is the kinda movie I expected and got – fears for tears – LET IT FLOW!!!!!!!  It’s like the opposite of 50 Shades of Gray – it’s like 50 Shades of Rainbows!!  Who wants to be tortured by a love story, when you can be hugged by one????

Oh, and the guy who played Neville Longbottom is in it, and he’s great!

Oh, and Jenna Coleman is in it too, and she’s literally the cutest flipping thing ever!!!  LOOK AT HER CUTE LIL NOSE!!!!  I CAN’T IMAGINE MY LIFE BEFORE HER!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Me can be seen by You at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Woman In Black
Children of The Yawn
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 95 min

Daniel Radcliffe is a lawyer or something, and definitely not Harry Potter, cause he has a 3 o’clock shadow beard.  His wife is dead or something, and his son draws pictures of him with a frowny face cause he’s always going away to do work, but he has to work cause he has bills, and bills need to get paid.  His latest work brings him to some scared stiff English countryside spot that has only like one car and one phone and like lots of unhelpful British people.  That one car and one phone are owned by the greatest living actor, in our humboldt opinion, and the very reason why we had to see this movie.  That person is Ciarán Hinds, who’s like the Duncan Hinds of acting, but even more delicious.  Anywho, Hinds is the only person helpful to Harry Potter and he helps him get to some creepy house on an island or something, but there’s a marshy road that goes to the island, but sometimes the tide makes the marshy road disappear or something.  Anywho, at the house, Harry Potter has to go through papers to figure out something, or else he’ll be fired from his job, but he can’t get fired cause he has to support his son and pay bills and things.  Anyways, turns out the island house with the papers is haunted by a woman in black (guess they couldn’t call the movie A Black Woman), and if you see her, yer children somehow die or something.  So we learn children have died in the past and we see kids dying in the present, and we assume more children will die in the future.  And the thing of this movie thing is that Harry Potter’s kid is coming to visit in a few days, so stuff better get like fixed or something before the kid gets there or else he will probably die or something.  GRYFFINDOR!!!

moral of the story – there are a few good BOO moments, but the rest is juss boo, which seems kinda wrong considering we don’t have to hear Harry Potter talk all that much, and Ciarán Hinds is in it, and so is Janet McTeer, for whatever that’s worth, but it’s no worse than that Katie Holmes-Guillermo del Bore-o flick

Tim McMullan:’s face is awesome

Verdictgo: Not So Meritiis AND No Stinkin Badges

Black is currently lacking in color at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…