Chappaquiddick
Sunk Political Aspirations
Official Site | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 101 min

You’ve heard the names Chappaquiddick, Ted Kennedy and Mary Jo Kopechne before, but do you truly KNOW the UNTOLD STORY between those three?  I didn’t either, BUT NOW THE TRUTH CAN BE TOLD!!!  IN MOVIE FORM!

CHAPPAQUIDDICK!!!!!!!!!!!!

And?

Chappaquiddick > Chappaqua

Chappaquiddick > quidditch 

Chappaquiddick > Japaquidbitch (whatever that means)

but fo’realz, this movie has more umph and gusto and infotainment to it in every inch of its being than the snoozefest The Post had in all of its snoozing.  TAKE THAT THE POST!!!  Take your Oscar nominations and shove em up yer a$$!

But I’m a sucker for faux Kennedy accents and novelty teef, and so I was THE target audience to watch Jason Clarke loom large as the Massachusetts Senator done bad and make dumb.  You root for Jason as Ted, and you shake your head at him/them, and then you want to smack him like father Joe does (Bruce Dern, making quite the splash with limited strokes), and then you want hug him, and then you want to shrug him, and then you want to vote for him, and then you want to leave theater cause the movie has ended and there’s nothing left to see, but there was PLENTY to see, including Kate Mara drown, and Ed Helms be effective in a drama (when I didn’t think he could shake his funniness and be serious), and Jim Gaffigan do the same (although he barely has anything to do, and he’s still the biggest waste of CBS Sunday Morning screentime), and Clancy Brown with slicked back McNamara hair!!!

The truth has been told, or whatever truth they claim to be true, and I fell for it, hook, line and sunk-her

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Chappaquiddick doesn’t suck dick at a theater near jews and white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Winchester
Rifling & Stifling
Official Site | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 99 min

A long time ago, I was a giant fan of the A&E show – America’s Castles.  One particular episode about ‘California Dreamers’ introduced me to a house that I never ever wanted to call home, but literally haunted me by just knowing about it.  It was the Winchester Mystery House of San Jose, built, and continued to be endlessly built on and on and on and on by rifle heiress Sarah Winchester, until the day she died.  This is no ordinary house.  It has staircases that lead nowhere, and a door that opens to a 2 story drop, and oodles of twists and turns that defy architecture sanity!!  And the very first time I ever visited San Francisco I forced my friend to drive me to this house so we could tour it.  AND IT WAS EVEN MORE AMAZING IN PERSON THAN WHAT I COULD EVER IMAGINE (even if the tour guide we had was more cheerleader than Vincent Price)!!!  The true mystery is how this house isn’t as famous and as visited as Graceland???!!!??!!!

So when they made Winchester – a movie about Sarah and the house, I had to see it – no matter HOW rotten it was rated.  Well, it was totally NOT rotten, but for a movie about a house that is possibly haunted, they were somehow unable to remotely make a scary movie out of it.  They added some BS stories to make it some sort of an actual story, and even with solid performances from both Helen Mirren and Jason Clarke the result was somewhere between ‘they could have done something better‘ and ‘well, how could they have made a better movie than this when there’s really not much to work from besides the house being big and crazy and creepy?‘  And so, the movie is what it is, and what it is is OK, and it at least gets the word out there that this house exists, and that matters cause there’s no place LIKE this home

Verdictgo: high end(?) Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badgers

Winchester ‘haunts’ a theater near jews and white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Great Gatsby
Old Sport Done Anew.  Are You Game?
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 143 min

People be acting like they’ve never seen a Baz Luhrmann movie before, cause Baz Luhrmann Baz Luhrmanned the sh!t out of F Scott’s Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby.  Have a problem with the movie, well look no further than The Great Gatsby source material itself, cause it isn’t necessarily that great, at least when turned into a movie.  It has basically failed every time someone tried doing so.  And if you’ve ever seen the Robert Redford-Mia Farrow 1974 snooze-fest, you know that Gatsby needed a shot of adrenaline, and who better to deliver that shot than Bazzy Baz Luhrmann, who splashes in a hefty dose of pizzazz & confetti (I mean, check out that ’74 snoorer all Bazzzed up in this reduxed trailer ).  Fact – I love Baz Luhrmann.  Fact – I read Gatsby last year and really didn’t think much of it.  Fact – Baz made Gatsby eggzactly how I thought he would.  Fact – if you don’t like Baz Luhrmanned flicks you probably won’t like his Gatsby.  So if you hate things that are fun and awesome, and looks like the party of the year that you wish you could attend, WITH the soundtrack of the year, then don’t see Baz’ Great Gatsby

but that cast.  THAT CAST!!!

Leonardo DiCaprio is dashing, old sport, but like AO Scott said about his ‘overdone accent‘, I too ‘wish he would try a performance without one, though‘

Tobey Maguire is not an actor but a deer in headlights, always starring blankly ahead, with a wry smile, but his work is serviceable enuff as our humble narrator Nicky C

Carey Mulligan makes me want to mulligan all over myself again and mulligan and gan.  What Gatsby?  More like how many times did she make my weenie gaspy

Joel Edgerton has an edge to his rton, and an awesome mustache + he’s Owen Lars, and his dad Cliegg Lars is in the movie too (although never sharing a screen moment)!!!

Isla Fisher is barely in the movie, but her boobs jiggle enuff to keep her on our mindsz

Jason Clarke was in Zero Dark Thirty as the main black site interrogator, but in this movie he looks like he’s the one getting his a$$ handed to him.  This guy’s good

Amitabh Bachchan is a handsome Indian man

Elizabeth Debicki is a handsome Australian woman who reminds me of Cate Blanchett, in a more flappertastic/faptastic tastic way

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Gatsby is Baztastic in a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Zero Dark Thirty
OBL STK MIA DOA A-OK GO USA!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 157 min

Dude, do you remember how intense and thrilling and awesome Kathryn Bigelow & Mark Boal‘s Hurt Locker is was????  Well guess what, Biges and Boals did one better on collab numero 2, basically telling Homeland and Argo to argofuckthemselves.  Zero Dark Thirty is like watching one of those Bourne movies, cept what’s going on REALLY HAPPENED and what we’re being shown seems really really fcuking real.  FO REALS!!! not faux reels!!!

So what is Zero Dark Thirty?  It’s 2 minus 2, the opposite of day + 30.  BAM!  C’mon, you know what this is about – it’s a summarization of failing for ages to find Osama bin Laden, and then maybe finding him, and then deciding whether that maybe is close enuff to a certainty as humanly possible, before pulling the final trigger… on pulling the trigger on OBL.  It’s frustrating, and more frustrating, and even more frustrating, but then it gets exciting and even more exciting, and even more more exciting, and then we’re back in the Bigelow-Boal thrill ride where yer heart’s a pounding and yer palms are a sweating, even though you know that OBL aint living past the end credits.  SPOILER ALERT – OBL dies.  But how did we get to that point?  THAT’S WHAT THIS MOVIE IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  And it’s incredible!!!!!!!!!!!!

So when Bigs was making this movie, she was probably like, I want to have someone awesome like Jodie Foster to play my Clarice Starling darling character, so she got herself Jessica Chastain.  PERFECT!  Then she was like, we need a bunch of random actors that are good, but not huge names, to help Chasty out, and she was like welcome aboard Kyle Chandler, Jennifer Ehle, Harold Perrineau, Jeremy Strong, Mark Strong, Mark Duplass & [my boy] Édgar Ramírez.  Then she was like, I need a beardy guy that’s super good at yelling and torture and then they got Jason Clarke and he did that.  Then she was like, I need two beardos to play beardo Navy Seals, so she got that guy from Parks & Rec who’s character isn’t as funny as everyone thinks it is and fake Owen Lars from the BS Star Wars poo-quels.  But guess what, the casting didn’t end there.  She was like, oh, I need some fat guy that could pass for Leon Panetta, and so BAM, put on some 80s Japanese bidness-man eyeglasses James Gandolfini!  And she threw in Stephen Dillane for good measure.  That’s eggzatcly how the casting was done, as told to me by a magic elf fairy from Rivendale

What more do you need to know?  GO AMERICA!  NEVER QUIT!  Always keep your eye on the ball.  Kick a guy in the balls, but only IF it will lead to info that will get us to Osama bin Laden.  And if we get that info, lets lose it for like 7 years, but since we don’t give up, we find it again and follow up and finally hang our ‘mission accomplished’ banners.  Way to go us/US.  Red, White & BEST!!!!

Spank dog Morgan Spurlock never found OBL, cause otherwise this movie wouldn’t eggsist

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Zero Hot Tens: Jessica Collins is in the movie for all of 8 seconds, but she hypnothighsed me with her eyes

and then I remembered where she had done it before – the sorta-brilliant but cancelled Rubicon

Zero Dark Thirty sees the light in NY & LA on Wednesday and elsewhere on January 11

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…