Thighs Wide Shut

Premium Rush
Padded Lock
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 91 min

Joseph Gordon-Levitt-Gordon-Joseph rides bikes, and delivers packages.  One package has to be delivered or some Chinese kid in China will not be able to go on a boat.  Standing in JGLGJ’s way is Michael Shannon‘s strange face and strange talking, and some other crap, like stuff, and things, like this movie.  WHY DIDN’T HE TAKE HIS BIKE AND RUN OVER DANIA RAMIREZ’ ACTING CAREER?!?!?!?!?!?  Dunno, but at least the movie was New York real enuff to spotlight the zany ass street that is Doyers Street in Chinatown!!!

Oh, and this girl‘s eyes wins the prize for best EYES in a Joseph Gordon-Levitt-Gordon-Joseph movie of 2012

The Possession
The Exor-shvitz
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 92 min

So there’s a real life story about an evil Jewish box with a Dybbuk in it that does weird shith to anyone who’s around it.  Watch this thing here for more on that box!!!  An evil Jewish box that does stuff sounds like it would make for a great movie, no?  Especially if you toss in Javier Bardem’s twin brother AND Matisyahu AND Kevin Bacon’s wife to balance out the kosherness AND two girls who are pretty dang good at actings, right????????  Well, it makes for an OK movie (they don’t even follow the real story at all).  It’s not stoopid horror-ibile crap on a stick, but it’s not The Exorcist neither, but we love Javier Bardem’s twin brother SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that we’d watch anything with him in it, even if most of his movies are whatevzzzz, BUT WHEN IS BARDEM MORGAN JAVIER GEOFFFERY GOING TO BE ONE?!?!??!?!?

Verdictgo: both be Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

both flicks are currently playing at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Biutiful
A Lesson, A Kiss, A Prayer & 86 Other Things Before Dying
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

21 Grams, Babel, and Amores Perros are three hauntingly excellent films that we’d never want to sit thru the pain of again.  Thanks, or no thanks, Mr Alejandro González Iñárritu!!  How bout making a happy film about humanity for once????  Guess you’re incapable of doing so, and even if yer latest Biutiful is one ugly mother, and not necessarily as potent as the three mentioned above, we’ll still take it, cause pretty movies are for sissies, and are released in the summer. At least Mr Iñárritu isn’t going anymore global than he did in Babel, cause where else could he go to contemplate man’s deficiencies, Uranus?

All the action and in-action of Biutiful occurs in one place (Barcelona), but the communication breakdown remains the same.  This time we gots Spanish thugs & cops & thuggish cops trying to take down and keep in bidness Chinese sweatshop owners who create knock off goods for Senegalese street vendors to peddle.  In the middle of it all is the complex character of Uxbal (Javier Bardem, our mos flavorite actor going, and the real reason to see this).  He’s got a whore of a wife (Maricel Álvarez, but who would touch this woman, even for free???), who sleeps with his brother, a cad who wants to sell their already buried father’s gravesite real estate for cash, and when Uxbal’s not out micromanaging the Chinese and the Senegalese folk, he’s got two kids (Hanaa Bouchaib and Guillermo Estrella, a lil bit more adorable than the Focker kids) to tend to.  Oh, did we mention that ole Uxy can talk to the dead AND juss found out that he’s gonna die within a few months on top of all this sense-non?????  What, you were expecting a walk in the park?  Expect a kick in the groin!!  Iñárritu much???  Maybe not enough!!!

Wait For It: there’s a scene in a strip club where the women have nipples on their butts, and it’s kinda creepy, and it’s also kinda hot, and since the internet is failing us right now, we can only tell and not show.  sorry

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Biutiful is full in NY/LA on December 29th, and elsewhere January 28th!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…