Thighs Wide Shut

Bridget Jones’s Baby
Meet The Parents
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
R | 123 min

I was expecting nothing from the movie where Bridget Jones is expecting, mainly cause the trailer was so so so so awful Awful AWFULLLLLLLLL!!  It looked like a dreadful TV comedy of errors, and cheerie-o, pip-pip cheekiness, and thankfully, this third installment is none of that, although the soundtrack was cheesier than the world’s largest cheese sculpture 

Bridget Jones’s Baby finds BJ single again, but this time she and Renée Zellweger are thinner, and they both have a new face.  Bridget was much more charming with the girth, and those puffy red cheeks.  Same with Renée…

BUT, underneath this new face, today’s Renée Zellweger is still our same ye olde Renée Zellweger (who was like the Jennifer Lawrence of her time).  If you want to imagine the old faced Renée, you can particularly see it in any scene where she’s wearing glasses…

But for most of the movie she isn’t wearing glasses, but you start to get used to her face, in a way you start to get use to seeing what Carrie Fisher and Mark Hamill look like today (which means they don’t look as good as Harrison Ford looks today)

OK, enuff about the face, and more about the actual movie… which stars FOUR Academy Award winners!!!  Joining Zel is former beau Colin Firth, pops Jim Broadbent, and new addition, as BJ’s doc - Emma Thompson, who also co-wrote the script!  Their accolades were not mentioned in said horrible trailer, but their skills punch up a movie that serves as nothing more than a delightful one that women will enjoy today and on cable TV for eons to come

Hugh Grant sat this one out, so the new rival for BJ’s affections is Yankee Patrick Dempsey.  I’m not much of a Dempsey guy.  I left him after Can’t Buy Me Love, and never got McSteamed up by any of his subsequent work.  He’s a good foil for Colin Firth in Baby, which makes the series feel a little new, while dwelling on BJ issues very old.  Plus, we forgot much of what happened in both of the previous movies, cause the last one was TWELVE years ago, so this threequel felt both new and old!  NEWSED!!!

Man, twelves years is a long time.  Last movie we personally saw Zel in was 2008’s Appaloosa and I didn’t even remember anything about that movie, especially the fact that she was even in it.  Had to look it up.  Anywho, we hold too much onto the past, but we need to move on. Renée’s face is what is, and now we’re ready to see it again in Bridget Jones’s Journey To Uranus

By the way, what’s with Jones’s?  Why not juss Jones’??  Didn’t these English people invent English?

And what’s up with Sarah Solemani and how come we’ve never have heard of her???  She’s like a Persian-English Winona Ryder!!!  Adorablezz!!!

Verdictgo:  Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Jones for Bridget at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Brooklyn
Heart Is Where The Home Is
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 111 min

Saoirse Ronan has beautiful, yet super creepy laser-blue eyes.  They were super creepy when she made bad things happen in Atonement.  But now she’s a bit older, and so they’ve become a little less creepy, and in John Crowley/Nick Hornby/Colm Tóibín Brooklyn movie, dem eyes aint creepy at all – as they are filled with and the exuder of udder sadness and absolute happiness, and those eyes are everything  

Her character - Eilis (which is apparently pronounced Aiiiiilllllllllllish) leaves her ma and sis in Ireland for America (a scene early in the movie that almost had me in insta-tears).  She works at a department store, but misses her family and Irish Spring and Lucky Charms, but luckily there are lots of Irish things in America – like O’Doul’s and McDonalds and Jim Broadbent and Julie Walters.  Phew  

And then things change when an Italian Brooklyn boy (the sappy smirky good Emory Cohen) makes his way into her life, making America feel more like home than her old home.  But then tragedy strikes back home, and so she goes home, and is kinda swept up in old home and is having second thoughts about new home, and there’s this great Irish redheaded guy (Domhnall Gleeson, in his 1919239939192193th movie of 2015), and so she’s conflicted and arggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!  

I kept waiting for wrong turns and bad things to happen, but this movie isn’t like that.  This movie stands for good, and is way beyond good.  It reminds me that movies can be positive, without having to be edgy or showy or anything else besides a great story and great storytelling.  Boy voyage and land ho!  Spring for this Irish tale, and u2 can enjoy it’s wonder and wonderment!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Brooklyn boroughs currently at a theater near jews/irish people

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Closed Circuit
Boy Eh 
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 96 min

John Crowley directed Boy A, one of my most favorite movies about a boy and the first letter of the alphabet.  Two of my moist flavorite actors are Eric Bana and Ciarán Hinds, who co-starred in Munich, one of my moist favorite Jewish movies starring non-Jews.  Them three gots together, with Rebecca Hall, Jim Broadbent, Riz Ahmed, a dash of Julia Stiles and a bob of Anne-Marie Duff to make Closed Circuit – a desperately wanting to be riveting courtroom drama that isn’t nearly riveting enuff, doesn’t have much courtroom to roam, or any real drama from its start to its whatever finish.  WHAT A MOVIE!!!  Wish it was something more than juss not much of anything, but heck, we’d watch Bana and Hinds in ANYTHING – even if they were in a movie about the invention of microwaved tunafish sangwhiches!!

Verdictgo:  Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Circuit is open for bidness at a theater near jews 

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Cloud Atlas
Some Cirrus-ious Stuff!!!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 172 min

Tom Tykwer & the Wachowski Brothers/Sisters took some unfilmable book and made a film out of it.  It’s ambitious, and it’s delicious.  There are 6 stories and they are sorta connected cause they tell us that they are, and cause a bunch of actors are each playing a role (sometimes in dreadful prosthetics & make-up) in all 6 stories.  The sextet doesn’t exactly add up to something monumental and profound, but the sum of its parts are quite sum-thing, and there is nary a dull moment to be found in.  Plus it’s better than Speed Racer!!!

Instead of reviewing it as a whole, we’re gonna review its pieces, in pieces.  PIECE OUT, YO!

Story 1 – Jim Sturgess is Seasick & Sick of Slavery

Easily the weakest of the 6 stories, cause mainly it involves watching Jim Sturgess vomiting on a boat, while his newly found/freed slave pal David Gyasi proves he’s a man just like white people!  Zzzzzz

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Story 2 – Ben Whishaw Is A Repressed Gay Musician

If there was a movie where Ben Whishaw was talking and smoking non-stop, I’d see it 90000 times.  His voice is 2nd to NONE, and his smoking is, I dunno, but sometimes that voice needs to take a rest, and he looks so cool when he smokes!  In this story he’s a gay guy who dreams of being an important composer.  He starts working for some old composer who can’t fully compose anymore cause he’s old.  They work well together until they don’t.  When Ben isn’t composing music, he’s composing totally gay letters to his gay love Sixsmith (James D’Arcy), who gayly reads them.  It’s all totally gay AND straight, and a gay ole time.  It was like watching The Hours, but actually not boring

Verdictgo: Jeepers MOS DEFFFFFF Worth A Peepers

Story 3 – Halle Berry Is A Foxy Woodward & Bernstein

It’s the 70s, and you know this cause everything’s mustard or brown colored.  It’s true, cause that’s what movies about the 70s do.  Halle Berry has some hot info from Ben Whishaw’s gay lover that some nuclear power plant is up to no good. The plant is run by Hugh Grant, and lemme tell you, out of all the actors playing 239288 roles in this movie, Hugh Grant does the bestest work, and shows more range in this movie that he has as a fop in 3992929 foppish British rom-coms.  HOLLYWÃœRST – LET HUGH GRANT BE IN EVERYTHING!!  Anywho, the nuclear power plant don’t take kindly to a nosy reporter and sh!t goes down, like attempted murders AND murders!  Keith David is in it, but not David Keith

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Story 4 – Jim Broadbent Flies Over The Cuckoo’s Nest

This is the most pointless story out of the 6, but it’s actually the most funest!  Jim Broadbent is a publisher, and after some stuff happens, including a ghetto Tom Hanks doing ghetto stuff, Broady is sent to an old age home that he can’t get out of.  To make matters worse, he’s constantly being harassed by the old age home’s lady nurse played by Hugo Weaving, thus proving that Hugo Weaving can play an asshole in any sex, color or creed.  Anywho, Jimmy wants to escape and finds other people who want to do the same thing, and that’s kinda that with this, and it’s the funest!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Story 5 – Doona Bae Is A Hot Korean Slave Clone With Bobbed Hair!!!

Dude, Doona Bae needs to be my wife.  She is so hot, as a clone slave with bobbed hair who serves food.  This story is THE creme of the da la soul creme.  It makes me want to creme all over myself.  And it’s the best of the six not just cause there’s bobbed Korean clone slaves serving food, but cause there’s a really cool tale in here and it could work as its own movie, and we wish it was its own movie, cause then there’d be a whole movie of Doona Bae with a bob serving food!  But she doesn’t just serve food.  She’s a clove slave with thoughts AND feelings, and those thoughts and feelings may juss spark a revolution!!!!

Verdictgo: BREAST IN SHOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Story 6 – Mad Hanks Beyond Thunderdome

The world has been destroyed and apparently the survivors are either tribesman that are scary or white people who speak jive just like in Airplane!.  No, really.  Tom Hanks speaks jive.  So does Susan Sarandon.  It’s laughable for about 2 minutes, but then it gets kinda interesting when future sexy Halle Berry shows up and needs Hanks’ help to do stuff.  This was one of the more intriguing stories, but one of the ones that we understood the least.  Maybe cause our brain kept wanting to see more of the Korean bobbed beauty!!!!

Verdictgo:  Jeepers Worth A Peepers

OVERALL Verdictgo:  Jeepers MOS DEFFFFFF Worth A Peepers

Atlas maps it up in a theater near jews TODAY!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Iron Lady
Fear & Loathing at 10 Downey Streep
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 105 min

What the f$%k is this Phyllida Lloyd (she directed Crappa Mia!) and Abi Morgan (wait, she wrote Shame???) Margaret Thatcher ‘biopic’ all about???  You learn next to zero about the woman and her accomplishments (well, besides that she was a woman who did the impossible by becoming a female Prime Minister and then became a rather bossy lady and then people grew tired of her bossy lady finger waving ways, and then…), and what we do learn is that the retired PM apparently spends her todays in lost delusional thoughts and talks to her deceased husband, who might be crazier than this movie.  If we were Margaret Thatcher and saw this Oliver Stone boneheaded treatment of our past and present, we’d say FALK(land islands) YOU!!!  Seriously, what’s the f$%k did we juss watch?  This is a big ole BM about the first lady PM

Crying fracking shame, cause Meryl Streep hands in another one of them beyond magnificent performances that muss be seen to be beloved (and is miles away butterer than anything these ladies done tried), and it’s udderly wasted (along with the supporting work of Jim Broadbent, Olivia Colman, and Alexandra Roach, who’s equally as brilliant as Streep is, playing the younger Margaret) amongst a mess of ideas and conjecture and canted angles.  Sure, give America’s iron(weed) lady an Oscar, and another to the hair and makeup department (AMMMMAZING!!!!), and throw the rest in the rubbish bin, or the looney bin, where the filmmakers apparently believe Mrs Thatcher belongs, but it’s where them filmmakers belong.  We don’t know how to make movies, but had we made this one, we woulda taken a much more straight-forward approach, like those solid Michael Sheen as Tony Blair thingies, cause learning about someone is usually more interesting than making up crap and displaying it in a ‘creative’ way

moral of the story – The movie feels like Nixon + Fear & Loathing In Las Vegas + Harvey MINUS everything good about any of those movies.  there you go, or don’t. NO NO NO!  They should have never made that Julia Childs movie and this one, and instead juss made a movie where Streep does imitations for 9 hours

Spitting Image Headache: oh yeah, The Iron Lady also feels like watching that eyesore Genesis video for ‘Land of Confusion’ with those f$%king scary-a$$ Spitting Image puppets

Verdictgo: Streep saves from total eye slitting, so Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

this Lady is Iron clud in NY/LA only, and elsewhere elsesoon

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…