Thighs Wide Shut

The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo
No Slander On This Salander!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 158 min

The wait is over kids.  David Fincher‘s English language (wouldn’t dare call it ‘American’, cause it’s not whatsoever) version of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo is no longer juss the kick ass teaser/trailer/music video of the year, it is now a movie that has to be able to deliver the goods. And?  It does indeed deliver them goods, mad good… as much as Stieg Larsson‘s story will let it/him.  What does that mean?  Well, if you know the story (and if you don’t, what planet are you from, UrineAnus?), you know it pulsatinglyly builds and builds and builds, and then goes BOOM, and then it kinda whimpers for another 30 minutes after the boom, as it re-focuses on the original task at hand, which is no longer as interesting as the sidetracked task just handled.  OK, that’s about as much bitching as we’re capable of making, cause otherwise Fincher hands in an A paper on celluloid digital projection

The Social Network gave Finchy the worldwide love & attention he deserved, but a 1s & 0s subject matter like that was well beneath his skill & artistry.  Anyone could have directed Aaron Sorkin’s script to greatness, even Ivan Reitman’s kid, or even one of Lawrence Kasdan’s kids, or even Tom Hanks’ dopey kid we just wished went away 9ever.  Anywho, Fincher is back in the territory where he belongs and we want him to stay – making flicks where people are murdered and other people try to solve those murders.  He brings his Zodiac (you know, that movie that’s one of the greatest movies ever) preciseness & pacing and applies it to the frigid and cruel Swedish world that sweeties Mikael Blomkvist & Lisbeth Salander do their investigationining thing in

So how does this new one stack up against the very very solid original flick?  It kinda bests it in every way possible, even if the original didn’t really need besting in the first place.  Still, better Fincher do it than say Ivan Reitman’s kid, or even one of Lawrence Kasdan’s kids, or even Tom Hanks’ dopey kid we just wished went away 9ever.  We gets Christopher Plummer sounding all von Sydow-y! Stellan SkarsgÃ¥rd loving Enya! Steven Berkoff hating Axel Foley! Robin Wright penning! Joely Richardson holy richardsons! Goran Visnjic with visnjacrazywitz hair! and Julian Sands juss being Aryan handsome!!!!!!  And nothing against Michael Nyqvist & Noomi Rapace, but Daniel Craig and Rooney Mara do Mik & Lis a lick better, mainly cause it’s a bit more believable and much more watchable to see Dan & Roo get bizzy than Nyquil & Noo.  Rooney’s performance as Lisbeth in particular is fracking spectacular, but don’t make us choose Lisbeths, cause there’s room for two Lisbeth performances in this world, like there was for Truman Capote.  Sadly, Toby Jones got hosed in that race, just like Rapace got zilch for being totes THE girl with the dragon tatts.  Guess what we’re saying is, why not give Rooney the Oscar.  We’d like to see Streep sport white eyebrows and get plowed by a fat dude while handcuffed (point of clarification – we are not hactually asking to see that, we juss making the point that Rooney as Lisbeth is a brave brave performance that Meryl Streep might hactually be incapable of braving, or something to that DAS EFX)

moral of the story – it’s no Zodiac, but it’s a David Fincher film, and people should see David Fincher films, cause every other film isn’t a David Fincher film

Swede Jesus!!:  Harriet Vagner haunts her uncle’s life, and now our dreams, in a good way, cause she’s so dreamy!!!  and she is

Moa Garpendal

and how about her cousin Anita, aka

Mathilda von Essen

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Tattoo you at a theater near Jews on December 21st

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Anonymous
Unfamous A’mous
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 130 min

Roland Emmerich makes the shittiest of shit movies - Independence Day, The Day After Tomorrow, The Patriot, 2012, Godzilla, and a zillion other disasters that deal with natural and man-made disasters, including, but not limited to disasters in the crafts of writing and acting.  Not for a second did we ever think Emmerich was capable of making anything remotely enjoyable, let alone watchable.  Crazier things have happened, and there’s plenty of crazy things happening in Emmerich’s Anonymous, EASILY the best movie he’s ever made (although we still need to see Stargate), and in general, a f$%king fun popcorn flick that blends revisionist history with high adventure, in a yarn that actually doesn’t have much adventure to make high

Credit times 9 zillion to Emmerich and writer John Orloff, for taking a pretty dry subject (did Shakespeare write all those plays OR WAS IT SOMEONE ELSE???!???!) and making it wet like a hurricane.  Every scene feels like it’s super important, even if it’s not, and this is how Emmerich’s background with disaster flicks directly benefits his attempt at making a real movie, and unbelievably somehow makes it all work!!!  And the end result be one the moist entertaining Tudor era movies we’ve seen in quite awhile!!  IT’S TRUE!!!!!

The idea that Willy Shakes is a fraud is not a new one, but we’re sure most average moviegoers don’t know much about those conspiracy theories.  Those who don’t should relish this hot dog, and those scholarly folks who do, should juss shut their brains down and enjoy it for what it is.  And what it is aint juss an authorship question movie, but also who that asks ‘who’s yer daddy?’, filled with plenty of saucy sexual secrets + plenty of awesome facial hair and ruff-neck bidness!!!  Plus+++ the cast is udderly fantastic, top to bottom, from Vanessa Redgrave‘s Queen Elizabeth (+ her daughter Joely Richardson playing the younger version of her!) to Rhys Ifans as the bard behind the bard (+ pretty boy Jamie Campbell Bower as a dashing young version of him), to David Thewlis and Edward Hogg as the mos regal royal assholes since Count Rugen, to Sebastian Armesto, who’s like a cheaper James McAvoy, and Rafe Spall, who’s like a cheaper Ryan Reynolds, as Shakey, who wethinks invented crowd surfing

Learning fake (OR MAYBE TRUE!!!) history has never been this fun!!!!

Roland With The Homeboys: Emmerich’s London home is blammazin!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers MOOOOOOOOOOOOOS Worth A Peepers

Anonymous will be known today at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

After 38 delicious episodes, spread out over four regal 4 seasons, and containing more spread legs than a Busby Berkeley production number, The Tudors reign has finally come to an end (for the second time!).  we salute you teamy dreamy Tudors, for you far superior infotainment and endless JO matz [NSFW], which never really seem to catch on to a humongous audience like it should have.  if you didn’t catch on, it’s truly yer loss, cause nuttin beats the combo of history and boobs, well, besides water and boobs.  for no better reason than to show some pics of hot chicks in corsets and crazy hood ornaments, we decided to rank Henry VIII’s six TV wives in order of royal thighness best/breastness to wurst/dogfacednessness.  enjoy

1)  Anne Boleyn | Natalie Dormer

she was crazy… crazy sexy foxy!!!  and made King Henry do things he probably shouldn’t have, but she did give us Queen Elizabeth the I, and gave I, calluses on my hand.  is ‘Dormer’ Spanish for ‘to give boners’?

2) Jane Seymour | Annabelle Wallis

Henry found a perfect wife in Jane, as she was mad slammin’, and in turn gave him what he always wanted: a BJ every 20 minutes a male heir. she was originally played in season 2 by the fetching Anita Briem, but was replaced by the even more fetch f fetching Annarungmybelle bangagainstaWallis

3) Catherine Parr | Joely Richardson

dearly departed Natasha Richardson was always the family hottie, leaving sis Joely solely in the background, but that doesn’t mean for a second that her talents aint on PARR with any other actress out there.  she brought humility to Henry’s court, without baring any breasts.  sometimes hotness doesn’t need to disrobe.  shocking, but true!

4) Katherine Howard | Tamzin Merchant

Katherine Howard was a floozy, and Tamzin Merhcant-Ivory played her as such.  she kinda looks like she’s 12 and she kinda doesn’t look so hot in our book, at least when compared to her lover Thomas Culppeps

5) Anne of Cleves | Joss Stone

Jossy done did well in her thankless role as the wife of Henry that he agreed to marry without ever meeting.  turns out she didn’t turn him on.  guess he thought the ‘Cleves’ in her name meant ‘totally wicked set of cleavage’.  if the internets were around in Anne’s time, there woulda been a search engine called ‘Ask Cleves’

6) Queen Katherine of Aragon |Maria Doyle Kennedy

Henry had every right to dump her frumpy a$$ for Anne Bone-lynn, although the fruit of their union, daughter Mary (Sarah Bolger), was the mos adorable character in the series

honorable non-Queen hotness/mentions: Anne Stanhope, Brigitte Rousselot, Princess Margaret Tudor, Lady Jane Howard, Ursula Misseldon and Lady Elizabeth Darrell, who had THE single greatest NSFW moment of the entire series, where a dude was feeling her up against a tree, and then, for the sake/benefit of the audience, turned her nekkid body towards the camera.  gawd save the King, and gawd bless The Tudors