Thighs Wide Shut

Patriots Day
Made America Great Again
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
R | 133 min

In a time of great division, it takes a docudrama like Patriots Day to remind us how once united AND great America and Americans were

The 2013 Boston Marathon bombing was not all that long ago, but before you scream ‘too soon‘, it’s never soon enough to remember the bad that happened, and the good that came out of it and its aftermath.  I am patriotic, and love this country (and its fried chicken) so dang much, but I am not overly gung ho and showy about it.  But bad guys are easy to root against, and heroes are something we always need another of (sorry Tina).  And there are no better bad guys then bad men who went to harm innocent people, and there are no better good guys than the ones who protect and serve us, and try to keep us safe from the bad dudes.  After watching this film, I felt more proud and patriotic than I may ever have in my entire life (besides seeing the Beach Boys on July 4th in Washington DC)

Although I was sadden to learn that Mark Wahlberg‘s character in Patriots Day did not exist in the real world (and that they chose not to use Neil Diamond’s ‘America’ over the closing credits), everything else about the Peter Berg‘s incredible film felt so real, and of the moment. Berg and co (with brief but memorable turns by J. K. Simmons, John Goodman, Kevin Bacon, Themo Melikidze, Alex Wolff, Supergirl as the bomber’s wife, and my personal fav – Jimmy O Yang), did an excellent job of interweaving multiple stories to create a complete picture of the complex events, which I did not really intend to ever revisit… until I found myself sitting in the theater that I saw this in

What a frucking movie!!  You will leave the theater (or your couch, eventually), and want to scream – U S AND A! U S AND A!!  FCUK YOU BAD GUYS – WE ARE ALL BOSTON STRONG!!  WE ARE AMERICA AND WE ARE GOOD AND AWESOME AND YOU MAY TRY TO HURT US BUT WE WILL GET YOU AND TRIUMPH CAUSE WE ARE AMERICANS!!!  (but not in the bad post-9/11 going to Iraq for no reason kinda way)

We need more movies like Patriots Day – to remind us to never forget, and to remind us that it is possible that America and Americans can once again be united AND great (without the help of Donald Trump)… although hopefully without the catalyst being tragedy, which sadly shows us again and again that it is the worst in humanity that brings out our best!  If only we lived in a world where our best brought out our even besterer in humanity!!!!!!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Patriots Day ALL DAY – currently in select cities, and at a theater near jews AND white nationalists this Friday

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

10 Cloverfield Lane
Archie Bunkered
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 103 min

I’ve always looked at Mary Elizabeth Winstead and Brie Larson as hip modern hottie awesome acting equals.  They’ve shared credits in two movies – the too cool for its own good Scott Pilgrim vs. the World + the not another teeny movie The Spectacular Now, and they share my love and attention

Brie hit the jackpot with Room, but methinks Mary Elizabeth Winstead could have pulled off the role too.  And how do I know this?  Winstead got a Room of her own – in 10 Clovefield Lane – a not so-sequel sequel to the kinda meh 2008 movie without a # or street type.  But in Cloverfield Lane, ME Winstead isn’t stuck in a room with her kid (so there’s not much to sniffle about here) – she’s a girl stuck in a bunker with a crackpot John Goodman and a bearded John Gallagher Jr (who played Brie’s boyfriend in the great Short Term 12), and it’s weird and strange and mysterious and it keeps you guessing and stuff, all in a good AND uneasy way

Cloverfield Lane aint no Room, cause it’s Room meets The Martian meets 28 Days Later.  Explaining why it’s all those meetings would give things away, and I don’t want to give away any of the fun of this fun movie, that’s not really fun, but it is, but it isn’t

Sure, Winstead won’t be getting any Oscar noms for her peformance in Cloverfield, but she’s juss as good as Larson is in her Room.  Life isn’t fair, Oscars are certainly not fair, but if there were an awards for bestest eyes, Winstead would beat out Larson easily and breezily.  The eyes have it, and Winstead’s have me, for always and 5ever

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Creepers

Cloverfield bunkers down at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Trumbo
The Brave One
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 124 min

Dalton Trumbo had an awesome name, and an awesome mustache, but his life was far from awesome.  Yeah, the man won two Academy Awards for writing screenplays, but the first one he won – had another writer’s name attached to it instead of his, and his second one had to have a pseudonym on it cause he couldn’t work under his own name.  Ya see – Dalton Trumbo was an unabashed, overly outspoken communist living in America, who loved America – but he lived in a time where being red was scary to others, and so when the House Un-American Activities Committee came calling and wanted him to come name calling, he refused, and so he + 9 others became the Hollywood Ten – blacklisted from working in Hollywood, and living a normal life

Jay Roach‘s Trumbo tells (t)his story.  And (t)his story was actually already told, in doc form, back in 2007 with the eggsalad, and same named Trumbo.  I love docs so much, and would normally tell you that you MUSS see the doc before bothering with the movie (or not bother with the movie at all), but this movie is juss as good at telling the story – even if the movie itself feels like one of those biopic movies made for HBO – you know, a good movie, but nothing highly cinematic

But I had fun watching the mostly downs of Trumbo’s life, cause the cast was having such a hoot hooting along.  There was Helen Mirren being a bitch, Diane Lane being supportive, John Goodman being loud, Louis CK trying to act, Elle Fanning fanning the flames, Alan Tudyk tudyuking, and Michael Stuhlbarg playing Edward G. Robinson!!!  

And then there’s Bryan Cranston.  By the time Breaking Bad was winding down, I grew tired of Bryan Cranston.  This fatigue had less to do with him, and more juss to do with everyone not shutting up about Bryan Cranston, and so my opinion on him started to sour a bit.  I was like, enuff with the Bryan Cranston!!!!!!!!!  But after his trumboniously delicious work as the title character here, I have a full on trumboner for Bryan Cranston again.  And he’s sooooo good with that thick mustache (and smoking) that I think he should shave his head and play Rich Uncle Pennybags in a Monopoly movie!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Trumbo trumbos tonight in NY/LA and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Flight
Insane In The Deplane
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 138 min

Flight is two things –

1) an incredible, in-tense thrill ride of endless anxiety, while we watch a plane take off in bad weather, and then wait and wait for this plane to inevitably crash, and guess what, crash it does!  Think this took up about a third of the movie, and was hactually more powerful bad plane stuff than all of United 93

2) a cautionary tale of alcoholism & lies, that takes up the rest of the movie.  Have you ever seen a movie about alcoholism & lies???  What about one with a crazy plane crash!?!??!

Denzel Washington is amazing in all parts, but it’s not much fun watching him relapse into a pathetic stupor, again & again, and then rooting for his flawed-self to succeed in a court case, where he really shouldn’t succeed, but don’t worry kids, it ends like it logically should, but well, whatever

Kinda wish this movie was juss a movie where Denzel pilots 392939 planes that are about to crash, but they don’t cause he’s Denzel, and even if he’s drunk and coked-up Denzel, he can do it, cause he’s Denzel!!!!  DENZEL SUPERHERO > Denzel super-zero!

Robert Zemeckis‘ Flight is basically Smashed, but with a much larger budget & cast (Bruce Greenwood! John Goodman! Don Cheadle!), and instead of a fake pregnancy plaguing our protagonist’s drinking life, it’s faking being a sober pilot.  Both films are dang good, but we’d actually recommend Smashed over Flight, even if Smashed has zero mammoth plane crashes!!

oh, and whoever compiled the soundtrack should be shot

oh, and the next filmmaker who puts ‘Gimmie Shelter’ in their movie will get shot

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers 

Flight is lifting off at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Artist
Silence Is Mostly Golden
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 100 min

Ah, the era of silent films.  Long forgotten and loved by so few in today’s world of gabfests and explosions.  In the past year we us ourselves have grown a love for the dialog-free flicks that were so flappertastic… which explains why we’ve spent many an hours digging in the past for endless bobbed photos.  The bygone format may have collected dust, but cinema has paid tribute here and there, from Sunset Boulevard, to Mel Brooks’ Silent Movie, to the maudlin madness of Guy Maddin‘s mizzles, and now with The Artist, Frenchie writer/director Michel Hazanavicius‘ loud-quiet love letter that’s sealed with a giant sloppy kiss

The artist in The Artist is mustachioed George Valentin (the dashing and playful Jean Dujardin), a star of the silents, with the look of Douglas Fairbanks, a name like Rudolph Valentino’s, and a ‘talkies killed my career’ tale, that sent the likes of stars Pola Negri, Ramon Novarro, Clara Bow, Colleen Moore, John Gilbert (the list sadly goes on and on and) into early acting retirement.  The sentiment on display is a welcome one, but the story, a little too simplistic.  Hazanavicius, his artist Dujardin, and gal vendredi Bérénice Bejo have driven us down this road before.  If you’ve seen their OSS 117: Cairo, Nest of Spies Bondish spoof [trailer], you’ll know they are more than capable of putting the period pieces together.  And just like with OSS 117, The Artist is a beautifully polished homage with the right rah-rah spirit, but it doesn’t exactly score touchdown after touchdown

STILL, The Artist is worth seeing cause we need to be reminded of that time and that place and of those movies that had no talking, and what happened when their time was up, and it was time to start talking.  And where else are you going to see Uggie the dog doing awesome stuff (sadly no skateboarding) in B&W, John Goodman being loud without saying a word, or James Cromwell being sweet without a pig that talks?  Or find bonus employment for fine folks like Penelope Ann Miller, Malcolm McDowell, Ken ‘Borat’s buddy’ Davitian, Nina ‘sister of Casey’ Siemaszko (see below), Joel ‘brother of Bill’ Murray and Bill ‘Dauber from Coach‘ Fagerbakke??!!  FREKKIN DAUBER!!!  FROM COACH!!!

moral of the story: The Artist is the best silent film of the year, and probably the best silent film since maybe the end of the silent era (both proclamations don’t really say much… or do they???), and you’ve probably have seen zero silent movies, so start with this, and then open Pandora’s Box to all the other silent pleasures that eggsist in the fine history of the cinema. SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

SiemaszKOed: wethinks we’re in love with Nina ‘sister of Casey’ Siemaszko. she went from having a license to drive

to having a license to be MAD ADORABLE!!!!!!

and havings a license to show off her assets!!!!!!!!!!!! [NSFW]

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

The Artist takes up residence in NY & LA this Friday, and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…