deceased Belgian Hollywood journalist Maria Snoeys-Lagler’s photo album popped up in a thrift store…

endless mo pics

Black Mass
KICKS MAJOR MASS!!!!!!!!!!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 122 min

American Hustle basically sucked.  Black Mass is the opposite of American Hustle, although the two share a decade, large pompadour hairdos, and strong machismo overacting

Above all – Johnny Depp is terrifying as real-life baddie Whitey Bulger.  And above that – Depp is udderly incredible in the film.  Obviously Depp is an incredible actor, but this may be his best (non-Tim Burton) performance since 1998’s Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.  I credit two things with this great achievement – the hair and the make-up.  So far, I’m rooting for no horses in the Oscar race, but Depp’s Mass face deserves a gold man, so I guess I’m rooting for that

Depp’s bad hair, bad skin, and cold blue killer eyes will haunt me 9ever

his look is like a combo of this-es…

Johnny S. Thompson Loathing with Fear

meets all the Biff Tannens of BTTFII

meets Flattop of Dick Tracy

meets William Forsythe in general

meets Coppola’s Dracula

meets Electro of Spider-unwatchble-reboot-2

meets Gollum

meets the creepy-eyed lizard aliens of V

Verdictgo: Jeepers MOS DEF Worth A Peepers

Black Mass preaches the bad words currently at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Peace The Forks Out

to

A Million Ways To Die
In The Wes

&

Mr Giant MNF Kathie Lee

&

Chocolate Thunder

&

Batgirl

&

+

he was about What’s Happening With Sanford & Son, Divorce American Style

Bond, Julian Bond

Bob Dylan’s producer

Awakenings no mo

Wrangler Jane

mister Mr Coffee

Marines’ First Black Aviator and General

Dust Lady

first lady of the Khmer Rouge

made a Killing with Kubrick

first African-American Jean Valjean

he trained horses

The Islander

activist beaten on Selma bridge

he rode for freedom

Mrs Marlon Brando the I

Disney historian

some actor

some other actor

Uggie

Chris Evert’s dad

some British actor

some other British actor

he told Chicago the weather

Maryland Batman

and

Robert ‘Bob’ Farrell

father of Farrell’s Ice Cream Parlour

AKA MY FAVORITE ICE CREAM PARLOUR EVER!!!!

there was no butter place to go for fun and magical and giant birthday desserts, loud noises, giant jawbreakers and other goody godly sugar excellentness!!  

sadly they closed up shop on the East Coast eons ago, but still live on today in a few West Coast and Hawaiian locations.  It’s one of the only reasons I want to return to Los Angeles

thank you Bob!

West of Memphis
North of Incredible
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 147 min

The West Memphis Three (Damien Echols, Jason Baldwin, and Jessie Misskelley) – falsely accused of horrific murder, rushed to judgment, and left to rot in jail/hell, but after much uproar (from Eddie Vedder, Johnny Depp AND MORE!), the three are finally sorta freed, but remained guilty.  Got all that?  Doc makers Joe Berlinger & Bruce Sinofsky shed light on the Three’s injustice plight of un-fancy over 15 years in their muss see Paradise Lost doc trilogy.  It’s a lot to take in, so Amy Berg & Billy McMillin decided to simplify everything in their Peter Jackson & wife produced doc West of Memphis, catch us up on the Three, while trying to pin-point the finger on the real culprit…  although one reviewer brought up a good point – that the filmmakers are rushing to judgment on their new suspect juss as quickly as the original prosecutors did with the Three.  Regardless, the truth may not be fully out there, but whatever truths are know muss be told, even if they’re already known, cause the real murderer still walks free. Don’t know how many times you can sit thru the pain, suffering and agony, but it’s a little easier to sit thru all of these docs than being a horrifically murdered child or being falsely accused of horrifically murdering children and going to jail for no reason.  Sh!t is fcuked up, that much is 100% known

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

West of Memphis opens in NY/LA today & elsewhere elsewhen and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Chernobyl Diaries
Where It’s Kinda (Pripy)at
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 86 min

We siht you not, but touring Chernobyl is something we’ve semi-dreamed of doing.  Sounds stoopid, but people do it, and now it’s the premise for a movie, and of course we had to see this movie, cause it’s like a semi-dream come true!  Chernobyl is a nuclear power plant, and Pripyat is the adjacent city where the workers and their families lived.  When disaster stuck, the people left Pripyat and never returned.  It’s a ghost town permanently stuck in 80s USSRness.  How would anyone NOT want to go and visit that?!?!?  And how could this not make for a killer movie??!?!

The first half of Chernobyl Diaries, when our protagonists travel to and walk around Pripyat (obviously they didn’t actually film there, but they did a great job of make a faux version of the city!!!), is eggzactly what we were looking for in a Chernobyl movie - eeriness, mysteriousness, creepiness, and bordering on outright scarinessness.  Then when siht goes wrong, and when the movie turns into a pseudo-horror fest, the movie goes wrong.  Not exactly wrong in terribleness, but juss wrong to the just right that came before it.  The scarinessness they jam in our faces isn’t all that scary.  That’s part of the problem, cause empty Chernobyl/Pripyat itselfves is enuff scary that a movie about Chernobyl/Pripyat  doesn’t require additional lame scares that aren’t scary

moral of the story - Chernobyl Diaries is a basic dumb horror movie with a killer premise with much promise.  the promise is partly there, and the rest is a basic dumb horror movie.  One lil thing that was hugely lacking was a bit more backstory of the disaster.  Doubt the kind of people seeing this kind of movie are overly familiar with that kinda history.  The backstory IS the story, not some tourist kids being stuck in a place where no one wants to be stuck

Dark Shadows
Not Awful!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 113 min

Since Ed Wood, Tim Burton has made one really really good Tim Burton movie (Sleepy Hollow) and one really really really good non-Tim Burton movie (Big Fish).  The rest have been a waste of his talent and our time.  The remakes have been especially poor, so one doesn’t expect much of a TV remake, right?  Semi-wrong.  His Dark Shadows might not exactly be a return to form, but it’s more of a return to Burton norm, and even with a not so hot third act, this is still a good sign, and a decent movie to boot.  Johnny Depp & co sizzle with the material, and it’s a lot of fun, until the material sizzles out, and then it’s not as fun

btw, not a huge fan of blue eyes, but we want to make love to Bella Heathcote‘s baby blues.  btw, Dark Shadows neeeded like 8812838266363636% more Bella Heathcote and her eyes!!!!!!!!!

Verdictgo: despite weak endings, the beginnings warrant low low low end Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Chernobyl and Shadows shed light to the darkness at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…